Why am I more worried about dissapointing and upsetting others then I am of dissapointing and upsetting myself?

Quote from: treeseeds on January 15, 2025, 05:48:50 PMWhy am I more worried about dissapointing and upsetting others then I am of dissapointing and upsetting myself?

It is perfectly natural. A lot of us went through that too.

For me, I just reached a point where I ran out of ... to give. I got tired of living for everyone else and decided to start living for myself. Let the rest of the world burn, I made myself the priority.

You are still learning, grasshopper. 

You and myself Lori, some times we have to be "selfish".

I am not doing good.

I have decided that the only way I can move forward in life is to take every night to just cry, and cry, and cry. I feel like to much of coward to do anything about my gender dysphoria. It's an ever revolving door of sadness and hurt.

morning-wake up sad and angry
night-cry and cry and cry
-rinse and repeat

I am so sad, not angry just sad.

You know that song from the 90's? I think it's the 90's. "Absolutely" (story of a girl) by Nine Days? That's me, every day and all day.

All I want to do is cry, and I want it to end. I feel like I am done physically, mentally, spiritually. What does this mean? That from now on my life will just be full of suffering. I will be here for my family, for those that need me. But I will be sad. I am not willing to take a chance on me and risk losing it all. I won't be here for me, only for others.

There is an old saying: "If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting."

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. You need to talk to your therapist about this. Understandably, you don't want to change things and risk the loss. Our fear of loss is more powerful than the incentive of a reward. This is the dilemma you are facing.

You will need to find a compromise. Find something small that you can change that will help you feel better and not be so drastic that it affects those you are trying to protect. Baby steps all the way. Humans are homeostatic creatures in that we resist change, yet change is necessary for progress. If that were not true, we would still be living in caves.

I truly hope that you can find your way.

Hugs!

Hi everyone!

It's snowing where I am. And it's absolutely lovely out! I don't have much to say at the moment. But I felt the urge to write something down so I decided to stick with that feeling. I am listening to some music at the moment, and I have it set to random. Some really amazing music is playing that I have never heard before. Interesting how algorithms work.

This makes me think of the concept that maybe our minds are an algorithm. As babies and children we get programmed with one that will carry us through our lives. However, for some people there's a glitch in the code that will cause messages to skip a certain section of code. And that section of coding that is skipped, or not read properly, causes the system to need a reboot or help with reconfiguring the algorithm. Not changing, because there's nothing wrong with the system, but the code was just being read wrong setting us off on the wrong algorithim. Is this making sense, or am I just going down a weird rabbit whole that only I can understand?

PICTURE ME STANDING IN FRONT OF A BULLETIN BOARD WITH SHEETS OF PAPER TACKED UP WITH BITS OF STRING CROSSING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE PIECES OF PAPER

You are dangerously close to the truth!

Our subconscious minds run on a "program". It isn't based on logic, but emotions and memories. The stronger the emotion, the stronger the memory.

If we have a bad experience with a barking dog, the subconscious stores that memory. It then starts to avoid what it perceives as danger. If we have many such experiences, we can develop a phobia.

But if we have many good experiences with dogs, those memories can override the bad ones and we realize that not all dogs are dangerous.

This is also how habits are formed. Many good experiences and a few bad ones can cause the mind to crave more of the "good stuff" despite any risks or bad experiences.

It is very similar to an algorithm!

This is my second attempt at this blog! I didn't post it quick enough and got logged out. Pro tip-if you can save your work before you attempt to post it...do it...I had  such a good blog post and I lost...lol

Anywhooo. I am glad it is the weekend.

I have started a voice journal! I am finding it is very helpful for me talking out loud my thoughts, doing thought experiments, disagreeing with myself, and agreeing with myself! I recommend doing it if you can.

My last two mornings have been better. If you remember my mornings are the worst! I don't have difficulty with any aspect of sleep. My mornings always include me being angry about having gender dysphoria. If I am objective about the reasons why it would be thinking about having to put in the effort into covering up the maleness. But then I think "But if I have done HRT this won't be an issue!" That does make me feel a bit better. It is important for me acknowledge that my mornings include the thoughts of "I am so glad I didn't transition!", "I don't want to transition!", and "If I do HRT this won't be an issue"; this is apart of the process. I always remind myself that I need to be objective with this. Seeing before and after pictures of people my age and looked similar to me is encouraging.

I have also been thinking about my fashion sense as a woman. I don't see it being much different then it currently is. As a woman I see myself wearing jeans, t-shirts, flannel/sweaters (think my boyfriends' sweater style...lol). I am very much an outdoorsy person, and I honestly think that that style fits me best. Googling the feminine outdoorsy fashion style gives me a tingly feeling.

There was something else I wanted to mention...what was it? Hmmmmm....Oh yes! I remember. If anyone out there has any wig recommendations please message me! I think that is all for now.

TTFN 

Quote from: treeseeds on January 18, 2025, 08:41:18 AMThis is my second attempt at this blog! I didn't post it quick enough and got logged out. Pro tip-if you can save your work before you attempt to post it...do it...I had  such a good blog post and I lost...lol

Anywhooo. I am glad it is the weekend.

I have started a voice journal! I am finding it is very helpful for me talking out loud my thoughts, doing thought experiments, disagreeing with myself, and agreeing with myself! I recommend doing it if you can.

My last two mornings have been better. If you remember my mornings are the worst! I don't have difficulty with any aspect of sleep. My mornings always include me being angry about having gender dysphoria. If I am objective about the reasons why it would be thinking about having to put in the effort into covering up the maleness. But then I think "But if I have done HRT this won't be an issue!" That does make me feel a bit better. It is important for me acknowledge that my mornings include the thoughts of "I am so glad I didn't transition!", "I don't want to transition!", and "If I do HRT this won't be an issue"; this is apart of the process. I always remind myself that I need to be objective with this. Seeing before and after pictures of people my age and looked similar to me is encouraging.

I have also been thinking about my fashion sense as a woman. I don't see it being much different then it currently is. As a woman I see myself wearing jeans, t-shirts, flannel/sweaters (think my boyfriends' sweater style...lol). I am very much an outdoorsy person, and I honestly think that that style fits me best. Googling the feminine outdoorsy fashion style gives me a tingly feeling.

There was something else I wanted to mention...what was it? Hmmmmm....Oh yes! I remember. If anyone out there has any wig recommendations please message me! I think that is all for now.

TTFN 

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Chrissy

@treeseeds

When you log in, make sure to select longer than 1 hour. You can select a day, week, month, or forever. When you close your browser, the system will log you out.

Check out this topic on wigs:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,212435.0.html

There are lots of postings about wigs.  I would try the Beauty area:

https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,341.0.html

Well...I had that dream last night...you know the one...

The one where I am a woman. This one was interesting because it started off with me looking at a photograph of me and then the image turned into a female version of me. My body then felt like a woman's body. I will objectively and honestly say I love those dreams and I wish I had them more often!

Yesterday I went to go and see my parents. It was so frustrating! I came to a sad realization. My father is the type of person who constantly picks fights with people in every single conversation. You cannot have a conversation with this man without him starting an argumentative discussion! I am in my 40's, and I just realized this. It makes me incredibly sad, I did break down crying when I had this realization when I got home that it took me so long to understand this. When I pulled up to their house and I saw my father I felt a pang of fear. I could literally see annoyance in his eyes, and it scared me! How would I explain to man like this what I am going through? Oh, he also called my wife a bitch when she wasn't around...so there's that...I wish I loved the man but a life time of emotional abuse really messes up one's emotions. Yes, I am in therapy for this. How do you talk with someone that when you talk with them they start an argument every single time?

There was something else I wanted to talk about...what was it?...Oh yes, when I was at my parents I didn't feel dysphoric. When I got home I didn't feel dysphoric. This morning I wasn't thinking about my gender, I was just going about my daily routine. My brain feels all muddled with this. It's like I can't remember exactly how I was feeling. The best way to describe it is thinking to myself "I know I have gender dysphoria, but I don't feel that way". At this exact moment my body feels feminine, yet when I look in the mirror what I will see won't match up. This makes me feel frustrated and angry. At what point will I stop feeling angry and frustrated about this whole thing?

In an earlier post I spoke about algorithms. Perhaps what I am feeling is a programmed algorithm, the feeling of not wanting to be transgender but knowing and feeling in my body and mind that something doesn't exactly match. And wanting it to match! My habit is to push against this, that is my programming. Perhaps I need to stop pushing and just let things ride out the way they are and see what presents itself? This could be a way of rewiring that algorithm that I have been living with my whole life. The one my father and others programmed into me.

Let's go back to how I felt around my parents. Not feeling dysphoric.  I was saying to myself while I was there "Push those feelings away! The only way to be around my parents is just continue how I am. Life will be so much less stressful if I do this, to continue presenting as a man". Yet, I knew the feelings of dysphoria would come back and wouldn't go away. I literally had to leave them for a couple of hours just to get away from the toxic environment. My father got angry for me wanting some time to myself, but I just couldn't take the toxicity anymore. While I was away I did consider telling my parents about my gender dysphoria. I'm glad I didn't because I am still figuring out what all this means for me.

I know the feeling. My father is similar.

When he argued with me, I would just stop talking. Eventually, I stopped visiting. The arguments continued when we talked on the phone. I had been transitioning for three years before I told him. I had learned enough about dysphoria to be able to explain it to him. My counter-arguments were in the form of explanations about things he didn't know about. I sent him links to medical studies and articles that explain what gender dysphoria is and what the appropriate treatment is.

Then his computer stopped working. Every time I called, it was in the shop getting repaired. Then he got it fixed, but his email wasn't working. Suddenly, his email provider stopped servicing his address even though he lives in the middle of a large city in Colorado. He said he was switching over to a new email/internet service provider. That was before Thanksgiving, and he still has not emailed me or offered his email address.

I stopped calling him and he realized that he would have no contact with me if he didn't contact me. It took him two years to start calling me by my legal name.

I don't need the stress. I choose not to have negativity in my life and if that is all he has to offer, I will opt out. I do not need to talk to him. I am 67 and I would love for us to be able to have an adult conversation. For that to happen, he must treat me like an adult, or else I won't participate. I have more important things to do.

It was hard to do, but when he asked why we were not in contact as much anymore, I explained to him that I was not going to argue with him. If he is interested in learning about what I am going through, I am happy to explain it. But not if it means an argument. Now when he calls, we talk about the weather or our latest medical appointments. I secretly enjoy telling him things like I had an appointment for a mammogram or to see my Gynecologist. Just my way of reminding him who he is talking to. 

Normally I don't do 2 blog posts in a day. But I need to get this typed out!

I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now! Oh...wait...there it is...it literally just happened. This just happened while I was typing out "I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now!" I wonder why this happens? I went through my entire morning not feeling it all, and now it just pops up? Seriously.... 

Quote from: treeseeds on January 19, 2025, 02:17:33 PMNormally I don't do 2 blog posts in a day. But I need to get this typed out!

I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now! Oh...wait...there it is...it literally just happened. This just happened while I was typing out "I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now!" I wonder why this happens? I went through my entire morning not feeling it all, and now it just pops up? Seriously.... 

I think out path is less defined by whether we feel dysphoric in our every waking moment but... if we feel it often enough and intensely enough, that adjustments need to be made in how we approach life!

Onward!

A💕

It's a beautiful cold morning! Last night I went to take the dog out. It was below -30c. If you have never experienced those cold temperatures before it can eerie. It is very very very quiet. Usually it doesn't snow at these temperatures but last night there was a light dusting of snow. Dirt particles in the air will also freeze and fall to the ground. So the stars and northern lights are incredible! The most amazing northern lights I have ever seen were ones that covered the whole sky, you couldn't see the black of the night sky just the lights!

When I woke up this morning I was in one of the best moods I have been in for a long time! There was no dysphoria. As I got going for the day it did come to mind but not as heavily.

When I feel dysphoria
-when all is right in my universe
-when I see a beautiful woman
-wanting the body of a woman
-when something disrupts my peace of mind

When don't I feel dysphoria
-when people are angry around me
-when life is stressful
-when I am around my parents
-usually when I first wake up in the morning
-when I think about having to put in the effort of telling people about my gender dysphoria
-when I think about how much work and effort it took me to get ready in the morning when I lived part time as a woman

How do I feel right now?
-at this time I am just riding this wave of being in a good mood. So, I will just leave it at that.

When I realized I was transgender and understood that it was an inherent part of who I am, I made the choice to transition. I knew then, that transitioning was not about becoming someone new, but about aligning with my authentic self.

I hope that helps, and I wish you find peace and happiness in your journey.

~ Lilis

Quote from: Lilis on January 20, 2025, 09:50:59 AMWhen I realized I was transgender and understood that it was an inherent part of who I am, I made the choice to transition. I knew then, that transitioning was not about becoming someone new, but about aligning with my authentic self.

I hope that helps, and I wish you find peace and happiness in your journey.

~ Lilis

I certainly can relate to this. 

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 20, 2025, 10:04:05 AMI certainly can relate to this. 

😊❤️❣️

My morning-woke up a bit grumpy. Not wanting to feel dysphoria and thanking myself for not transitioning. I am also convinced I am not transgendered.

Drive to work-the feeling of not being transgendered continues. This feels right! I look at myself in the rear view mirror and the face looking at me doesn't feel right. The sadness and frustration kicks in, I recognize that it is important to be mindful of these emotions for what they are.

Other thoughts at this time
-wanting to have the body of a woman feels right. But I am confused because of how I felt this morning.
-I have gynecomastia, I feel my breasts move under my shirt and I want them to be bigger. This happened immediately after I woke up.
-I feel shame for thinking what I think and being who I am
-the thought that if I really was transgendered I would act more feminine
-thinking that if I transitioned I would regret it
-frustration and anger that the thoughts of being transgendered keep on popping up! I want them to go away

I am interacting with people at work. How would they react and think about me if I transitioned to a woman? I feel angry, frustrated, and confused. It feels like every thought and emotion I ever had concerning this is coming up all at once! And that's okay 😁