Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 24, 2024, 02:10:50 PMLeigh,


Merry Christmas!


Chrissy

Chrissy

Merry Christmas to you and all your loved ones.  I am responding to let you know I really appreciated seeing those 2 words. I  feel  a bit starved for a friend who accepts me. I am stuck and trying to pick myself up by my sandal straps. Still facing total rejection and severe criticism on any female portrayal. I cannot be myself. I am able to sneak some things in my life like working on posture. Not sure how long I can do that before the next intervention.

Hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 09:13:58 AMI  feel  a bit starved for a friend who accepts me.

You have many friends here who accept you as you are. We will always be here for you. Granted it is not the same as being accepted by people who are face to face with you, but you can always pop in here for reassurance that being yourself is never wrong.

Hang tough, Sister!

Hugs!

Quote from: Lori Dee on December 27, 2024, 09:27:25 AMYou have many friends here who accept you as you are. We will always be here for you. Granted it is not the same as being accepted by people who are face to face with you, but you can always pop in here for reassurance that being yourself is never wrong.

Hang tough, Sister!

Hugs!

I second these thoughts from Lori.

Chrissy

I love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.

I feel weak.

Love and Hugs,
Leigh

@MsLeigh
Dear Leigh:
You are accepted here without any hesitation.  We are all in a journey together and we
support each other. 
Many of our members will find that they develop long and lasting friendships as they
share their thoughts and personal stories with each other here on the Forum.

I am so very glad that you found us and registered as an active member last
summer in mid July.

As you continue posting updates on your Blog Thread and post elsewhere
around the Forum... ...along with your readers and followers I eagerly
look for your postings. 

HUGS, and more HUGS,  ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 12:15:40 PMI love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.

I feel weak.

Love and Hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 12:15:40 PMI love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.

I feel weak.

Love and Hugs,
Leigh

Please keep returning here.  Have a nice weekend too!


Chrissy

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 12:15:40 PMI love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.

I feel weak.

Love and Hugs,
Leigh

Sweetie... I don't need to be a therapist to tell you that you have extremely low self-esteem. Everything you say... honey, I get it. You have so little belief in yourself that you need those around you to give you what you can't give to yourself.

You have gone through life knowing something but feeling like it's just at the edge of your life. Something like.. trying to hold onto mist. Everything you've done, you've done to please someone else. Your other half, your parents, your friends. Because their approval fills the hole you should have for that voice inside you that says "Leigh, you're a good person. You're doing great!"

You don't know how to live without that. Because the self belief you should have, got pushed out of you at an early age. I am guessing by your parents based on how you talk about your need for their approval. You never got the chance to build up self-confidence. To believe in yourself and who you are.

That's okay, honey. It happens to a load of people. But it isn't something you have to deal with forever, okay? Self esteem is something you can work on, and improve. Click on the link in my signature, that's why I wrote what I did. You deserve to feel strong. And worth something. You deserve to feel like what you want and who you are matters. Because that's all true. Who you are and what you want does matter.

*massive squeezy cyberhug*

You can do this, okay? <3

Quote from: Sephirah on December 28, 2024, 05:52:37 PMBecause the self belief you should have, got pushed out of you at an early age. I am guessing by your parents

You hit that spot on. Thank you for the link. I will read it again tomorrow. Takes me a few times to sink in...

I had a therapist explain another topic called intimacy. We all need it to mature. I did not experience intimacy through my first 50 yr. I did not make good choices in friends or close relationships.  Joining this site was a good choice.

Thank you again. Part of me wants to disappear and another part thinks the best is yet to come. This is a bit of a roller coaster which nauseates me and brings tears.

Please continue to read and respond when you can. I sincerely love reading your posts. My wife has taken away my prostate supplements as they create female features. She has stopped my current therapist who was working with me on dysphoria. She controls our insurance..

Hugs
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 28, 2024, 07:49:47 PMMy wife has taken away my prostate supplements as they create female features. She has stopped my current therapist who was working with me on dysphoria. She controls our insurance..

That sounds... utterly draconian. And not good for your health, Leigh. Forgive me but your wife is starting to sound like Kathy Bates in "Misery".

Is there anything you can do to get out of this situation?

Sephirah,

Thank you for the movie comparison. You are a sweety. Kinda sounds like the movie. The only difference is, I have the ability to leave, just not ready to yet. I know it's hard to understand me but I have to be ready. I got my prostate supplement back except one. I have an immense desire to present female. It is so hard to suppress. Still hoping to live my dreams one day.

Love and hugs,
Leigh

Chapter 1

I am 60 and struggles with my identity have increased many fold in the last few years. An extremely qualified therapist helped me through  pain management, divorce, and family dynamics. She deferred me to find another therapist who worked with gender dysphoria cases. I found a therapist and seen her until my current wife and I discussed my feelings. This was the beginning of my membership at Susan's Place to find support. My wife freaks at the idea of support so local groups don't work and Susan's is unknown to her. So I will go back and talk about my journey and will try to keep it interesting .

I remember believing I was a girl around 4. I  have 2 older sisters that would be in school. My mother would help dress me in hand me downs to my request. These dress ups would be head to toe. Underwear, tights, dress, wig, lipstick, makeup, and perfume. As I got older stockings and bras were added. These were the only intimate times with my mom. I loved the bling and flashy dressing.

My dad discovered this around 4 but mom allowed me to keep it up at special times through grade school. Dad tried to work my behavior out of me. (to be cont)

Leigh

Please carry on talking about this, Leigh. I know you have a lot to work through. And your wife is like some kind of BDSM prison warden. Get it out here, okay? We are not trained therapists but a lot of folks here have been through it and can help you. You're describing something that hits home to a lot of people.

You're not alone. Even if your wife holds the reins right now, you have an outlet. Use it.

I am proud of you.

Also... age doesn't matter. You're never too old to discover who you are.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2025, 03:27:07 PMPlease carry on talking about this, Leigh. I know you have a lot to work through.

Chapter 2 coming soon.  I have to write when I get time by myself. We'll see how many chapters it takes..haha. can get a little long winded at times. My mind and heart yearn to live as female. That is who I am. It feels good when I came to that realization. I will continue to live with that knowledge no matter what I look like. People think they can steal my happiness but that is not true. The only way for me to lose my happiness is if I give it up!! I will never do that.

We are not all the same. I happen to have a strong desire to present as female so that is my biggest struggle. Struggle is with others that want to prevent me from presenting. I'm still hoping the future allows me time to fulfill this dream.

Hon, I know you have said these things to me...I am repeating to myself kinda like self therapy...

Love and hugs,
Leigh

Chapter 2

As I stated in chapt.1 my Dad found out and I believe he tried to make a "man" out of me. I did not have a large frame but he made me work harder than any grown men in the community. One example: I would cut wood from daylight till dark (7AM till 6PM) I would get water, 30 min for lunch, and supper after we would get home. I received a chainsaw for Christmas when I was 12. I joined a Black Hills fire dept when I was 12 to fight forest, home, and grass fires. I never received validation that I was a good person or good son. I kept working harder. I felt I was female but had no one to talk with. I matured late like kids who are worked hard for gymnastics. I had one male friend that I would see at school and no female friends. I walked bent over like a 90yr old and had no self respect. I was too mentally weak to end my life so I kept going. I left home after graduation (17yr old). To keep parents from hauling me back home they agreed I could attend a Christian college. So down to Jackson MS I went. It was a rocky time with a lot of confusion but a lot of learning. I graduated with a Bachelor in Theology. The next stop was Michigan. There I thought I would shake off all my thoughts by marrying a religious lady. We had one daughter. We divorced after 20 yr. I still believed I was female and wanted to be. I thought I would try marrying again to a wonderful lady that became my best friend after 2 yr. I thought this would realign my thoughts and I would be okay. Well that belief was my biggest and really the only time I felt that I failed. I failed myself. 2 yr ago I started pain and PTSD therapy as I had not healed from my relationship with my parents. My pain is from every joint in body wore out along with weekly migraine headaches. I talked with the therapist about feeling I was female at heart and she deferred me to another therapist as she did not work in that field. The new therapist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria within 10 min. After therapy I revealed this to my wife and was completely rejected. So over the last year I have been struggling with acceptance. I have no friends or family that accept me. I don't feel like I should take up any space in this world anymore. (to be continued) 

I have to sneak time in to get on the website.

Love and hugs to all,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on January 10, 2025, 08:24:57 PMSo over the last year I have been struggling with acceptance. I have no friends or family that accept me. I don't feel like I should take up any space in this world anymore. (to be continued) 

I have to sneak time in to get on the website.

I am local to you. You can reach me by email or PM if you want to swap contact info. I understand your caution but know that you are not alone. I am here in Rapid City and I am a friend and ally on your side. Let me know how I can help.

Hugs!

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 09:13:58 AMChrissy

Merry Christmas to you and all your loved ones.  I am responding to let you know I really appreciated seeing those 2 words. I  feel  a bit starved for a friend who accepts me. I am stuck and trying to pick myself up by my sandal straps. Still facing total rejection and severe criticism on any female portrayal. I cannot be myself. I am able to sneak some things in my life like working on posture. Not sure how long I can do that before the next intervention.

Hugs,
Leigh

Merry belated Christmas and happy belated New Year's.

You can reach out to me if you need support.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 10, 2025, 08:37:56 PMI am local to you. You can reach me by email or PM if you want to swap contact info. I understand your caution but know that you are not alone. I am here in Rapid City and I am a friend and ally on your side. Let me know how I can help.

Hugs!

I am residing in Michigan. I want to keep up contact with you and everyone at Susan's.  I appreciate reading to gain strength from others.

Hugs,
Leigh

Chapt 3

I "was" totally controlled by parents, anyone in authority, and pretty much everyone else...lol.  Understanding who I am was the best work in my life. I opened up to who I am inside. Realizing that what I wanted through life is important. We all have needs but wants are important, dreams are important as well.  Some dreams and wants are achievable. Don't worry about the impossible... During this "work " to learn about myself the inner female feelings came roaring to the surface. It was like the proverbial beach ball that I was trying to keep under water.  The biggest relief was releasing the ball in my mind. I am still keeping it out of site to many friends. Because it is so healing I will say again, , getting a grip on my female gender was the most important thing for me to keep living. I don't take this lightly... I am able to smile and find some humor in this part of me as well.

More to come...gotta go for now,
Hugs,
Leigh

Reading through your posts, Leigh, I can't help but feel like the issues you have with your parents are separate from your gender issues. Your dad especially. And this isn't something that can be fixed through transition. It's something you have to deal with on its own. And it's something you need to separate in your head.

As I say, I am not a therapist but I can read people pretty well. I don't think the issue with your dad was about you. Or if it was, then only slightly. I think it was more about him, and how he saw the world. He projected his world view onto you. And, unfortunately, you weren't the kind of person to be receptive to how he saw the world.

An unfortunate truth is that the worldview of proceeding generations change drastically because the world changes drastically. I would venture your dad was trying to raise you how he was raised. And didn't know any better. I don't think he set out deliberately to hurt or punish you. He just didn't understand you. I would suggest he drew on his own upbringing because it was all he knew.

That doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It just makes you put in a place you didn't want to be put in. I am not the parenting type. I would be the world's worst mother. I don't have the patience. But I did have to work through a lot of stuff, like you, with regard to my own upbringing. And sometimes we lose sight of the fact that our parents are just people trying to play a game with no rulebook. What we think is harsh or callous, turns out to not be the case. But you don't know this until much later on in life, when you can have an adult conversation and they don't treat you as a child anymore.

Can I ask, have you ever talked to your parents about this? Knowing what you know now? Do you have the chance?

One thing I need to say to you, though. You are valuable. You matter. The light of someone's soul doesn't just "take up space". You just have a lot of issues to work through, sweetie. And you're getting there. I believe in you, okay?

Love you, Leigh. <3

Chapter 4

I have posted that I make every effort to not give up my happiness. The fact is no one can take my happiness, I would have to give it up.

 Well, I am also taking this approach to gender. My gender is mine and no one can take it. The first 3 chapters summarizes my life. I am not a victim to my past. I will continue to live each day to the funnest. I was born and lived the best I could, but as I don't have to go back and live misery. Some things I cannot change in history. I was born a male but I will not live another day as a male.

My appearance is what it is right now. Even though I face a spouse, family,  and friends who reject my desired female gender there are things I am doing for my mental health. I am enjoying improving my walking and posture. Phytoestrogens and alpha 5 blocker supplements have helped my skin and hair. Unexpectedly without changing weight my overbust has increased to 4 inches more than underbust. My thighs have increased by 3 in and hips by 2. Waist has dropped 3 inches. I work out specifically targeting chest, hips, but, etc. I moisturize, started conditioning hair, growing hair longer (was buzz cut all my life), wearing a knecklace and an extra ring. It is slow but fun. Each day I keep it up as it helps immensely.

Someday I hope to walk out into public in full female look. For now it is important to not embarrass myself and go backwards. A goal is a tweed suit (mini skirt), white satin camisole thin enough that a lacy bra outline can be seen, heels, painted nails, an shoulder length hair. It will take quite a few small goals to get there.  The thing is, this is a journey or rather an adventure!!! I will keep posting as I can about my adventures, feelings,  and experiences.

Love and hugs to all. And another hug to anyone else struggling through their journey. Don't let go of who you are and don't let others think they have the power to take your happiness and gender.

Leigh