I'm not sure how this blogpost will go, so here we go!

I did not the best of nights. I woke up in the middle of the night having a low grade panic attack. When I woke up the first thought that occurred to me was that having gender dysphoria and being transgendered is not who I am. I have this thought and feeling in a consistent basis every morning, but this the first time I have ever had a panic attack.

Objective observations
Childhood-I would go to bed at night praying that I would wake up a girl. I would put my penis between my legs at night hoping it would fall off.

Adulthood
-feelings of gender dysphoria creep up. My mornings are full of thoughts of not being transgendered, yet after that those thoughts happen during the day time.

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

I am not sure how this blog will end...lol

These last couple of days have been very confusing for me. I keep a voice diary where I am able to think and talk out loud my thoughts. I recommend it! It's a very helpful tool!

I have realized that through this voice diary that all I do is talk and think myself into knots and cicles.

This is what comes up (not verbatim)
*CUE THE COMICAL MONTAGE*
-I'm a trans woman and I need to figure out how to handle this.
-I am not transgendered because every morning I do not think I am and even refuse to even consider the possibility.
-I am a trans woman and I need to transition! But I know thoughts will come up that I am not.
-I am cis-gendered man so maybe I am just a cross dresser. But I know that thoughts will of being a trans woman will come up again....and again...and again....
-F this! I am tired and exhausted! I don't want this! I am done with everything!
-I am just a cross dresser and for some reason I think about transitioning.
-I want someone to tell me what I should do because I can't figure this out.

I'm sure there's more! I may add to this list later.

Random thoughts will spin your head in circles.

In psychology, we learned about NATS. Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs) are often distorted, negative, self-critical, and biased towards pessimism.

This is an unhelpful form of self-talk that we all do. "I'm not worthy." "Nothing good ever happens to me." and so forth.

By structuring your thoughts and focusing on goals and positive feelings, you can avoid and even teach yourself not to think negatively. Some people recite a mantra or motto to help them focus on the goal. You can do something similar.

The key is to sort out those conflicting thoughts, dispose of the negative, and stay focused on the positive.

The easiest way to "Zap a NAT" is to examine it and determine if it is really true. Very often, it isn't. If it isn't true, then dispose of it because it is unhelpful.

I hope this helps.

@Lori Dee I love you. 😊❣️

Yes, I've been there, very unhelpful!

Thanks ❤️

Quote from: treeseeds on January 23, 2025, 08:56:46 AMI am not sure how this blog will end...lol

These last couple of days have been very confusing for me. I keep a voice diary where I am able to think and talk out loud my thoughts. I recommend it! It's a very helpful tool!

I have realized that through this voice diary that all I do is talk and think myself into knots and cicles.

This is what comes up (not verbatim)
*CUE THE COMICAL MONTAGE*
-I'm a trans woman and I need to figure out how to handle this.
-I am not transgendered because every morning I do not think I am and even refuse to even consider the possibility.
-I am a trans woman and I need to transition! But I know thoughts will come up that I am not.
-I am cis-gendered man so maybe I am just a cross dresser. But I know that thoughts will of being a trans woman will come up again....and again...and again....
-F this! I am tired and exhausted! I don't want this! I am done with everything!
-I am just a cross dresser and for some reason I think about transitioning.
-I want someone to tell me what I should do because I can't figure this out.

I'm sure there's more! I may add to this list later.

Deep breath Treeseeds!

The mental hamster wheel draws many people in as they search for answers to the feelings that have long plagued them. The wheel can keep you running in circles for a very long time without getting anywhere if you let it...

I think the trick is to stop running... step outside of the wheel and look at the big picture... look at what you feel... it puts you into unresolved cycles of unease as you feel troubled and lacking a clear path to resolution...

Answers do exist but, they likely won't be found while running on that wheel... they will be found in answering the questions.. what do I need in my life to make it the experience that I want and how do I need to organize my life so I do not keep falling into periods of deep unease punctuated by periods of  "I feel okay and therefore the questions above are of less importance now" ?

Our minds operate at many levels, some apparent to us and others not... that is why we can lose something and then instantly remember where it is later... that doesn't happen because we stop thinking about it but, because our mind is working on it at other levels while we go about other things... Many times our answers are already there... but, we have to give ourself the time and space to find them... perhaps without worrying about them, or what the answers might mean...as much as we do sometimes...

Wishing you peace, warmth and clarity as you seek your answers... they are worth your time to find.

Hugs!

A💕

This blog post may seem a little off topic but I need to get this out!

I am Canadian, and always will be! I am absolutely furious that President Trump wants to annex Canada! It's so ignorant for him to say this.

Not only am I dealing with my own mental health and gender issues but now I have to deal with this maniac wanting to take away my country, my freedom, free health care, $10/day daycare, free dental care for seniors and children at a certain income level. We are also looking at bringing in a universal pharamcare program for all Canadians. I'm just at a complete loss about what to do about this.

I'm sorry! But this is absolutely terrifying to think that someone would want to take my freedom!

My grandparents were war refugees from Poland and lost their country and homeland. I just never thought that there would be a possibility that this could happen to me. There has been a lot of talk in Canada about what to do if this does happen. For my family and I, if this does happen we would leave Canada and become refugees.

On another note. Thank you all for kind words and advice. I have been reminding myself that this is a process.

I seriously doubt this will happen, but who knows?

Plenty of Canadians seem uninterested in joining the U.S. as a state. If they wanted to become U.S. citizens, they would move south.

I have trained with Canadian military members; they are some of the finest in the world, no exaggeration. So a military takeover is equally unlikely.

Relax and focus on the here and now. We will see what Trump is up to over the next couple of years.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 24, 2025, 10:01:35 AMI seriously doubt this will happen, but who knows?

Plenty of Canadians seem uninterested in joining the U.S. as a state. If they wanted to become U.S. citizens, they would move south.

I have trained with Canadian military members; they are some of the finest in the world, no exaggeration. So a military takeover is equally unlikely.

Relax and focus on the here and now. We will see what Trump is up to over the next couple of years.

Yes! Thank you! I was a  Lieutenant (lef-tenant...lol) in the Canadian military. I like to call it a previous life time...lol

Quote from: treeseeds on January 24, 2025, 03:46:12 PMYes! Thank you! I was a  Lieutenant (lef-tenant...lol) in the Canadian military. I like to call it a previous life time...lol

We might have trained together in Germany! Small world. 

Around and around she goes and where she stops nobody knows!

It's a Saturday morning and like any other Saturday morning I am sitting here with my kidlets watching Saturday morning cartoons, and I just goofing around on the internet and listening to music! It's winter and there's a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. The evergreen trees have this beautiful layer of snow on their branches that has that distinct contrast between the green and white. When the sun shows up it will be very bright out! I love the freshness and beauty these mornings bring. 

While my kids are watch their cartoons I am doing some research into the causes of dysphoria. ADHD can be a gift at times, I can become very hyper focused and spend hours researching a topic and learn everything I can about it. This is one of those moments.

Some things that I have learned so far
-gender dysphoria can start in utero
-all people who have gender dysphoria can experience it differently
-some people who have dysphoria don't transition but find ways of dealing with it that works for them. Some are the opposite and need to transition
-working with a therapist that you trust is very very very important
-seeing a medical professional who has a specialty in this is of the upmost importance
-some research that I am reading states that their could be brain differences, but I am not comfortable in stating what those are as I can't objectively state what the research is
-there's a difference between early-onset dysphoria, and late-onset dysphoria. I match the late-onset dramatically
-I am reading about how some people experience gender dysphoria coming and going, very interesting as this is what I experience

For some reason, that I don't know why, the term "transition" or "transitioning" doesn't work for me. This is isn't to say that people who use the term are wrong. These are just my thoughts on the terminology.

I think I might like the word "becoming", or maybe even "evolution". I don't know...lol I will continue to use the term transition and transitioning until I can find that works for me.

One of my favorite quotes:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place".

 

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 25, 2025, 09:31:27 AMOne of my favorite quotes:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place".

 

That could be true.  It depends on one's outlook I suppose.
There is a lot of learning and experiencing to become what you want also.

For the last few days I have been focusing on practicing equinimity. Emotions and thoughts will enter my mind. I focus on acknowledging that they are there. Sometimes they tell me the truth, other times they will tell me utter lies! With both of those I simply let them pass

Doing this is helping me remain calm. It also allows me to focus on what is important, do the work I need to do, and let's my mind do the work that it needs to do.

It is good to try to have a calm disposition.  Try to relax some too.

Last night and this morning I have had very little gender dysphoria creep up! I have been using my mindfulness practice, and doing my best to practice equanimity. In the back of mind I do have thoughts and little whispers of "you know you have gender dysphoria", when that does happen I just acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass. Yesterday, and so far today, I tell myself that I have something called gender dysphoria but I feel that "transitioning to female" isn't right for me. However, whispers of "you know you are just going to have thoughts of transitioning again!".

During the evening yesterday I asked myself if I would regret not transitioning in my 80's, and the answer is honestly that yes I would regret not transitioning. When this thought happened I couldn't help but laugh at myself because I will either switch from "transitioning isn't right for me" and "If I don't I will regret not doing it when I am older". I haven't made a decision what I am going to do, I am simply practicing equanimity to explore my mind and thoughts. These are thoughts that I have, and it is what it is.

Growing up I had very strong male role models. I am very thankful to those men who helped me. I can't help but think that if I didn't have those male role models who would I be? I was watching a show yesterday that had a very strong male protagonist. This character is very similar to the men that I looked up to growing up. I did have thoughts of "I want to be like this guy!" and "There's that dysphoria again at the back of my mind!" The later thought was going along with the wanting to be like that protagonist. You can imagine that this was very confusing for me, but I didn't get upset about it. I reminded myself of my mindfulness practice.

Two thoughts to compare and what do they mean?
-wanting to be like the strong male protagonist that I saw in the show
                                vs
-wanting to have the body of a woman

Yes, what does this mean?

Tomorrow I will be seeing my therapist, I am super looking forward to it! I am also seeing the gender specialist tomorrow. I will admit that when I have thoughts of not being gender dysphoric I will say to myself "I should just cancel my appointment with the doctor." I will not cancel the appointment with the doctor, seeing them is something that I need to do to get help!

A couple of thoughts on what you wrote:

Societal expectations have a tendency to gaslight us into wanting and doing things that are not to our advantage. Have you explored the idea that your lounging for being like that strong male protagonist could be rooted in your desire to comply with societal expectations?

What are you admiring in that strong male protagonist? His maleness or the strength of his character? Would you admire an equally strong female protagonist in the same way or even more?

Societal expectations dictate that a person born with male sex does not want the body of a woman. Yet you do desire so. What does that tell you?

I guess you have a lot to mull over and it is certainly a good idea to talk to a gender specialist.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

I like that you are exploring your thoughts and waiting to see where they lead.

Since there is no pressure to make a decision now, there is also no pressure to do anything until you are certain what path is right for you. Right now, you are in the "gathering information" phase which is extremely important. Many experience this then decide that transitioning is not something they need. Try not to worry about if you might regret a decision decades in the future. Your focus on the here and now is the correct path.

Many of us wish that we had transitioned earlier in life. But in retrospect, that was not a possibility back then. Maybe it was finances, or living situation, or maybe we were just focused on life as we were experiencing it then. Knowing that we were living our lives the best we could under the circimstances means no regrets. As our situation changes, new opportunities come forward along with their own set of challenges.

Cross that bridge when you get to it.

Today I will be seeing the gender specialist for the first time. My understanding is that this is just an intake appointment. Yes, I am a little nervous. However, I have no reason to be nervous. I also be seeing my therapist tonight as well 😊

Yesterday and today have been really good for me! The only difference I can say that made a difference was using my mindfulness practice.

As for thoughts of gender dysphoria they have decreased.

Before I hop into the car I need to get some more windshield washer fluid. It's supposed to a high of 0c today, so there might be lots of dirt on the road. Next week though it's supposed to drop back down to -20c 😅 It's crazy weather that we are experiencing!

I hope everyone reading this has a really great day! 😊

I hope your appointment and day goes well!!! Enjoy the warm weather! Lol 😅

Hugs!

A💕

If you are comfortable doing so, let us know how it went.

Good luck!