Hello Everyone,

I joined this site yesterday and have already found so many helpful posts. I am however still very much in the dark about transgender issues. I am not even really sure of the terms so forgive me if I make mistakes.

I am a bio-female, lesbian. My partner is starting ftm transition soon and I want to help him and be there for him in any way I can.  I met him when he was already ID'ing as a man and can not see him any different, in both our eyes he is a man, although he hasn't gone through the physical transition yet.

I was SO excited about finding this site, I was jumping up and down telling my partner (who introduced himself today, Slinky / Toni) about it. We are members of another site but trans issues are discussed there mostly in terms of gender identity etc, there are very few actual trans members and not much real life experience that one can draw from as there is on here.

We have no children and we haven't been together for very long - and I know there is a long and difficult road ahead of us - but I am in it for the long haul.

Take care and hopefully chat soon.

Russ x

Russ and All,

Although I'm an MTF, I am also an SO.  My husband is FTM.  And we've been involved in couples/SO support for several years.

IMHO,one very important thing in transition is that two people are each Number One.  You are Number one, and Toni is Number One.  There are things important to him and his well being, just as there are for you.  The trick is to honor each other's needs.  An oimportant aspect of this is for the TS to transition at a speed with which his or her partner/spouse can assimilate.  There needs to be an agreement that you can say, "Wait a minute; slow down a little so I can get used to this new step/phase."

At least, this is what we've observed in families that have survived transition and ended up with a stronger marriage/relationship.

Best wishes.

Robyn

BTW, congrats on having a 'reputation' already.  I'm still sitting on zero.   

Hello Rus:

Wecome to Susan's.  I am Steph's spouse and also a newbie to Susan's as well.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

Gill

Hi Russ,
I found your post very intersting. You seem to be very giving and that is good you will need that too. I ditto what Robyn shared. Very very important to remember to be Fair, Firm and Freindly to your selves as well as each other.
Oh yes, Sorry, I'm Leah's S.O. I've been out sick with the flue for a few weeks but am much better and will be here more again now. It will be a pleasure to read more from you both.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Quote from: Peggiann on April 02, 2006, 11:16:04 PM
Hi Russ,
I found your post very intersting. You seem to be very giving and that is good you will need that too. I ditto what Robyn shared. Very very important to remember to be Fair, Firm and Freindly to your selves as well as each other.

Hi Peggiann,

I've been trying to work out for two days now how to pronounce your name, is it peggi - ann?

Welcome back, I am glad you are feeling better and over the flu.

What you said is something that I have had to remind myself of time and time again. We often get so wrapped up in someone or something that we forget all about ourselves that before we realise it we have been left behind and it takes time to catch up again.



xR

Welcome Russ!

I am very excited to meet you because I feel like the only SO on the planet that knew about it before we started dating!  *doing a happy dance and singing "It's not just me! It's not just me!"*

Let give you a little background info:

I'm Kelly.  I have been dating Jocelyn (who is MtF pre-transitioning) for about 6 months.  She told me about her condition and about two weeks later I realized that my feelings for this person didn't diminish in the slightest, in fact they grew stronger.  I came out of the closet as a bisexual and promptly asked her out. (That's the shortest version I can give you)

To give you my two-cents on this kind of a relationship:

If you both need to be the (girl/boy) remember to treat your partner as such and make sure that it's returned to you (because you both have needs). Jocelyn and I switch doing girl/guy things all the time, and by now it's almost an unconscious effort.  Example: I hold her with her head on my shoulder, after awhile, we switch spots.  Sometimes I carry stuff for her, sometimes she carries stuff for me. Same thing with opening doors, dancing, paying on dates, etc.

Good communication skills will be your best asset not only in this relationship, but in any relationship.  And when it really comes down to it, this is the same as any relationship, it just has issues that most people aren't accustomed to dealing with.  Make sure that you make your needs known in a way that is both respectful to your partner and to yourself (don't sell yourself short because you're focusing on your partners' issues).  Of course don't ignore your partners' issues either, but I'm betting I didn't have to tell you that 

I hope everything continues to go well for you and your partner.  If you ever feel like talking to me about anything I'm always happy to help (or try to).

Hi there Kelly and thanks for your welcome.

I must admit.

Before I met Toni, I had never come across another transsexual person in my life. I knew nothing about ts's (except for what it meant) and the picture that came to mind when I did have something to do with the subject (in a day to day kind of way) was that of a man dressed as a woman (no offence meant to anyone here of course). I just wasn't raised in the kind of environment where issues such as same sex partnerships, transsexuals etc were discussed.

When I met Toni it was as him being "butch" and me being "femme" but he very quickly made it clear to me where he was heading with his life.

In spite of what I believed about ts's before, (mainly that I wouldn't be able to understand or cope with a ts partner), him telling me that he was planning to transition never made one bit of difference in how I felt about him and it never even once discouraged me from getting to know him and wanting to be with him. I would imagine he was nervous about telling me at first but since the day he did we openly discuss it all the time.

If you both need to be the (girl/boy) remember to treat your partner as such and make sure that it's returned to you (because you both have needs..

Toni is ftm trans and I am a femme lesbian - as I said before, I have never seen him as a woman – he is a man in both our eyes and because this is how I got to know him, we kind of naturally fell into the male / female roles in our relationship. I have no desire to take on a boy role and him a girl role, which I guess makes things a little less complicated.

Your post made me think.

It's amazing how we find ourselves in situations that before we never really thought ourselves to be in, and we just accept it without a problem, often surprising ourselves. I think it takes a special kind of person, one with enormous courage to come out as and live as a TS but it also takes someone special to unconditionally accept and love a TS as a partner.

Would love to chat more.

Take care,

Rusulka