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Bad jokes and puns

Started by davina61, January 10, 2024, 04:21:02 AM

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ChrissyRyan

What do sea monsters eat?


Fish and ships.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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ChrissyRyan

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?


In case he got a hole-in-one.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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ChrissyRyan

What's the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

Bird flu requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 

ChrissyRyan

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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ChrissyRyan

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. 


She told me to stop going to those two places. 
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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ChrissyRyan

Why did the computer fall ill?


It had a virus.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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ChrissyRyan

Why do some French people eat snails?


They don't like fast food.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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ChrissyRyan

Why don't the circus lions eat the clowns?


Because they taste funny!
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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davina61

I used to be a werewolf but I am alright nooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww
 I used to think I was a spanner, I got over it but it was a bit of a wrench
 I used to be a cannibal but folks disagreed with me
I used to be a sheep but I got baared
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017
GRS 2021 5th Nov

Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever
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D'Amalie

<groan>  <giggle>  <rolling eyes>

Here's one I saw yesterday evening:

What has a small laugh in its middle.
One shouldn't open the book of another's life and jump in the middle.  I am a woman, I'm a mystery.  I still see and hear who I used to be, who I am, who I'm gonna be. - Richelle
"Where you'd learn do to that, miss?" "Just do it, that's all; ... I got natural talent." "I'll say you do, at that." - Firefly
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MaryT

Quote from: D'Amalie on March 10, 2025, 07:36:43 AM<groan>  <giggle>  <rolling eyes>

Here's one I saw yesterday evening:

What has a small laugh in its middle.

Please tell us.

(Or have I missed the punchline?  It wouldn't be the first time.)
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MaryT

This one I remember from a book of jokes and stories allegedly told by the late British comic magician Tommy Cooper.

Patient: Doctor, doctor!  I can't say "f" and I can't say "th".

Doctor:  Well, you can't say fairer than that.
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Lori Dee

Something that occurred to me back in high school English class:

The letter "E" is the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet.

Without the letter "E", you can spell "anything" or "nothing".
But you can't spell "everything".  ;D
My Life is Based on a True Story
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/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete
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Jessica_Rose

I have a new construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

Love always -- Jess
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
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"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
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Lori Dee

Three community leaders got together for a fishing trip.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi were fishing in a boat a short distance off-shore on a beautiful lake. The fish weren't biting, but the three enjoyed the camaraderie and some light conversation.

After a while, the priest cast his line, and the hook got snagged in some weeds near the shore. He put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat, walked across the top of the water, freed his hook, walked back across the water, got back in the boat, and resumed fishing.

No one said a word. The rabbi felt he was lucky to be friends with such a righteous man.

A short while later, the minister cast his line, and the hook got snagged on a rock near the shore. He set his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat, walked across the top of the water, freed the snag, returned to the boat, and resumed fishing.

Now, the rabbi was very impressed. He was in the presence of two very righteous men. But the more he thought about it, he knew it was just a matter of faith. After all, he too was a man of God, and his faith was strong. Perhaps he should show his friends how strong his faith is.

So the rabbi whips his line and gets his hook snagged on some tree branches at the shoreline. He set his pole down, stepped over the edge of the boat, and sank in the water over his head. He was splashing and floundering around. The minister and the priest reached over and grabbed him and pulled him back into the boat.

The rabbi sat there, soaking wet, his line still snagged in the tree. He was confused but knew in his heart that his faith would not fail him. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and down he went again.

The priest and the minister quickly grabbed him and started pulling him into the boat. They got him halfway in, and the minister looked at the priest and said:

"Should we show him where the rocks are or just let him drown?"

My Life is Based on a True Story
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete
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ChrissyRyan

What did the left eye say to the right eye?


Between you and me, something smells.
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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D'Amalie

Quote from: MaryT on March 10, 2025, 12:46:13 PMPlease tell us.

(Or have I missed the punchline?  It wouldn't be the first time.)

W -HA- t
One shouldn't open the book of another's life and jump in the middle.  I am a woman, I'm a mystery.  I still see and hear who I used to be, who I am, who I'm gonna be. - Richelle
"Where you'd learn do to that, miss?" "Just do it, that's all; ... I got natural talent." "I'll say you do, at that." - Firefly
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Lori Dee

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 11, 2025, 03:46:07 PMWhat did the left eye say to the right eye?


Between you and me, something smells.

From MAD Magazine, ages ago:

Does your nose run and your feet smell?
uh-oh! You're built upside down!
My Life is Based on a True Story
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete
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ChrissyRyan

Who will be next to post a silly joke?
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.  Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Help connect a person to someone that may be able to help that person.  Be brave, be strong.  A TRUE friend is a treasure.  Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.  Try a little kindness.  Be generous with your time, energy, wisdom, and resources.   Inconvenience yourself to help someone.   I am a brown eyed, brown haired woman. 
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davina61

One from school days, whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe. One has hydralics and the other has high b--------
I will leave that for you to work out!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017
GRS 2021 5th Nov

Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever
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    The following users thanked this post: Lori Dee, MaryT