Everyone is welcome to join in but this question is primarily for the older girls... those of you that started your transition
later than say 35. Girls that had careers and lives as males. I think Lori posted something about this a few
days ago... she said something like  "I don't want to transition, I have to transition". I've thought a lot about that
and at first I thought that was a funny thing to say. At the time I thought I wanted to transition. But the more
I thought about it the more sense it made and I think I feel the same way.

I don't WANT to transition... but I HAVE to. But the part of me that doesn't want to, the part that worries
about my SO, the part that realizes the pain I'm causing people and will cause people, the part that wants
things like they've always been seems to be in control right now.

I HAVE to get laser but I don't WANT to.
I HAVE to start coming out to people but I don't WANT to.
I HAVE to get FFS but I don't WANT to.

Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying... I have little doubt that I'm not TS... that is not what this is about. This
is about having the will to allow myself to live as me. To risk everything for my happiness. I posted
a while back that I was 99% sure I was TS, some lower percentage,  maybe around 80% that I thought I could
pass and successfully transition and an even lower percentage that I wanted to risk my current life to do it.

I'm assuming this is the same for everyone, you HAVE to transition but you feel trapped by your current life.

So... my question is... when did HAVING to transition win out over not WANTING to for you? What was your breaking point,
where you said to yourself... "I've got to transition, somehow, someway, it MUST happen... I HAVE to do it"

Amanda

QuoteI'm assuming this is the same for everyone, you HAVE to transition but you feel trapped by your current life

That is a poor assumption. I transitioned when I had the power to do so. It took 40 years to have the resources. I would not start until I knew I could finish. I was never trapped in my life I have always enjoyed success.

Thank you Amanda for this thread.

Most of the membership will not know much of my recent past and I do not aim to go into it tonight, apart from Berliegh knowing, my life is still a closed book here but in good time, all shall become clear.

In essence, my moment of clarity re. transition, came as I was lying paralysed on my hospital bed at the very end of 2006. Christmas was done with and New Years was approaching and I had my third stroke.  I had visits from priests, social workers and various people 'doing good' and I realised that no matter how much quiet patient planning I had done, my time was running out and that if I did nothing, I would never get the chance to put right the dreadful wrong that was my male existence.

Within 4 weeks of my discharge from the hospital, I had resolved that my life as a male had ended and I took the necessary legal steps to alter my identity and I have not had a single moment of regret from that day.   Okay, I have had run ins with yobbish youths, intolerant adults and medical officialdom but I have come to realise that all of us have these problems.

QuoteI don't WANT to transition... but I HAVE to. But the part of me that doesn't want to, the part that worries
about my SO, the part that realizes the pain I'm causing people and will cause people, the part that wants
things like they've always been seems to be in control right now.

I HAVE to get laser but I don't WANT to.
I HAVE to start coming out to people but I don't WANT to.
I HAVE to get FFS but I don't WANT to.

I wanted to transition,
I want Laser or the old fashiond electrolysis,
I would  like FFS if I could afford it.......

I wanted to transition because I needed to, I was just running out of time and in such a situation, the mind and soul becomes sharply into focus....

I do not claim to have the answers or a special insight, please do not think this of me, but Amanda asked the question and each of us will have our own agenda when it comes to our final destiny because after all, we have had  a dreadful hand of cards at our birth.. 

QuoteI wanted to transition because I needed to

It's a fine difference in what I'm saying. I NEED to and I HAVE to transition... those are given... I just don't WANT
to... who WANTS to put themselves through this? Who WANTS to destroy their current life. Who WANTS to
cause others pain.

Jennifer... I'm sorry to hear about your health issues. I hope things are better for you.

QuoteThat is a poor assumption. I transitioned when I had the power to do so. It took 40 years to have the resources. I would not start until I knew I could finish. I was never trapped in my life I have always enjoyed success.

I've enjoyed success as well but I feel trapped by that success... you know? I may have to give up my current life
to be happy in my gender. It's a terrible trade off we have to make.

Amanda

  I was coming closer and closer to suicide. All I could think about was how I`m in the wrong body. Driving to work every morning I wanted to pull off into the lava fields. I would sit at the beach and wish I could be there female and full of life.  I would have to say it was the overwelming suicidal urges i had that broke me. I needed a way out and found it. Now I`m 5 months HRT and felling good. Angie

If you don't mind a reply from an over-35 ftm...

I'm very successful and well educated; I'm a professional and have a good reputation in the community.  I have a good job, family, and a few close personal friends.  There is no doubt I'm transgendered.  There is no doubt that I'll transition.  Heck, I've already started.

My turning point came about a month ago when I had my AHA! moment.  While I've always known I was male, I pushed it aside and tried to be a 'good girl.'  I told myself I just had odd fantasies, and everybody had them.  But after my divorce something was gnawing at me.  And I finally figured it out.  And denied it.  And researched it.  And accepted it.

Do I want to basically tell the world my private business?? No.  But in order to truly be myself, I think I have to.  The shift in my mental state changed instantly when I ditched my women's clothing and makeup, stuff that grossed me out my entire life, that I forced myself to put up with.

I understand the reluctance to disrupt everything.  I also understand the intense need to transition and be myself.  I'm standing on the edge...

Bottom line is: I will most likey transition because I *have* to in the sense of finally being true to myself.  Fortunately my future plans already included a lot of travel and an online job, so I can go stealth.

Jay

QuoteI've enjoyed success as well but I feel trapped by that success... you know? I may have to give up my current life
to be happy in my gender. It's a terrible trade off we have to make.

It is not a trade off. We do things that teach us and help us grow. We can not take anything past our death change is life, not to change is not growing. The only thing that can trap you is if your choices are not coming from your soul but from your ego.

QuoteWho WANTS to destroy their current life. Who WANTS to
cause others pain.

If you are not content you have no life to destroy.  We have no control over how other's feel they are the one's that create the pain. We can help them grow also. Too many people think they have control over the world around them. The world was here before and will be after. Beliefs create most of people's problems.

QuoteIt is not a trade off. We do things that teach us and help us grow. We can not take anything past our death change is life, not to change is not growing.

You are thinking ONLY of yourself when you talk of change. What if those around do not want change. What if
they are happy the way things are? I disagree... it most definitely is a trade off, you are trading your happiness
for the happiness of those around you. How they react to the change is part of the equation. I know I can be happy
as a women. I'm not sure if those around me can be. So I feel trapped... do I follow the path to my happiness or as
I always have put the happiness of others first?

QuoteThe only thing that can trap you is if your choices are not coming from your soul but from your ego.

I have no idea what this means and I'd love to hear more

QuoteIf you are not content you have no life to destroy.

I have a life, it's not the life that I want, but it is a life.

Quote
We have no control over how other's feel they are the one's that create the pain.

I think my changes cause pain to other people, they choose how that react to the changes, but I created
the pain because it's my change not theirs.

Amanda

*smile* Lisa, you are such a cognitive-behavioralist!! Aaron and Judith Beck would love you no end at all.

N~

Quote from: Nichole on April 29, 2008, 06:00:58 PM
*smile* Lisa, you are such a cognitive-behavioralist!! Aaron and Judith Beck would love you no end at all.

N~

LOL... I have no idea what this means and I'd love to hear more

Amanda

Check it out "Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy" on Wikipedia.

QuoteCheck it out "Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy" on Wikipedia.

I actually did just that after reading your initial post...

QuoteCognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts
    cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations,
    and events.  The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to
    feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

...and I agree with that 100%... it's how you react to any situation
that determines the outcome. But I don't see how it applies to what lisa said. I can
control my side of the change... I cannot control how others react, so it is a trade off
to me because I'm making the change.

Amanda

QuoteBut I don't see how it applies to what lisa said.

QuoteBeliefs create most of people's problems.

See any similarities now?

Event----> Reaction ----> <---- Automatic thoughts<---- Intermediate beliefs<---- Core Beliefs.   

No I really don't... im sorry... I don't get it at all.

LOL... ok your editing your posts...

QuoteEvent----> Reaction ----> <---- Automatic thoughts<---- Intermediate beliefs<---- Core Beliefs.

You are light years ahead of me on this... I have NO idea what that means

Amanda
(made from the densest wood)

The diagram above is the basic presumption of CBT, core beliefs being the most deeply held and unconscious/pre-conscious beliefs.

Going back to the original topic.

I had lots of breaking points, it took me more then one to come round to now feel like I am ready for transition. If you have been following my "Battle Within" story (lastest chaper here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,34048.0.html ), you will relise that I have covered the first breaking point, my big break down at work. The next serise of breaking points will happen in my next chapter called "anytime" (yes I have more writting to do), and in particular the days I thought I would act on suicidal thoughts just broke me into nothing. I had to move forward to now where I am comfortable with my decision to transition.

Alice

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 29, 2008, 06:00:21 PM

QuoteIt is not a trade off. We do things that teach us and help us grow. We can not take anything past our death change is life, not to change is not growing.

You are thinking ONLY of yourself when you talk of change. What if those around do not want change. What if
they are happy the way things are? I disagree... it most definitely is a trade off, you are trading your happiness
for the happiness of those around you. How they react to the change is part of the equation. I know I can be happy
as a women. I'm not sure if those around me can be. So I feel trapped... do I follow the path to my happiness or as
I always have put the happiness of others first?

QuoteThe only thing that can trap you is if your choices are not coming from your soul but from your ego.

I have no idea what this means and I'd love to hear more

QuoteIf you are not content you have no life to destroy.

I have a life, it's not the life that I want, but it is a life.

Quote
We have no control over how other's feel they are the one's that create the pain.

I think my changes cause pain to other people, they choose how that react to the changes, but I created
the pain because it's my change not theirs.

Amanda

Just to respond to this, hon.

Women are always putting the needs and happiness of others before their own, but it's time to look out for number one. Don't feel bad for it. You've got to be true to yourself even if others get hurt in the process.
Remember hon - You didn't create or choose this problem but you're going to fix it. Don't feel bad for putting yourself first for a change.

Quote from: Nero on April 29, 2008, 07:00:02 PMWomen are always putting the needs and happiness of others before their own, but it's time to look out for number one. Don't feel bad for it. You've got to be true to yourself even if others get hurt in the process.
Remember hon - You didn't create or choose this problem but you're going to fix it. Don't feel bad for putting yourself first for a change.

I love you, Nero.

You don't know how badly I need to hear this.

How badly it hurts when my family accuses me I'm harming my children by transitioning--and they refuse to listen when I tell them it isn't a choice and if I couldn't transition, I'd be dead by now. They make themselves stone deaf.

And then I reflect how for the first 45 years of my life, I did exactly what they're demanding--I suppressed my own needs to satisfy the demands of my family-- until I just couldn't keep doing that any more. I get no credit for having stuck it out that long, even though it had been slowly killing me inside for all those years. If I had continued to obey their demands, I would have killed myself for sure-- but they are so determined to heap guilt on me, they will never let go of their absolute denial of my needs, no matter how I try to get through to their stony hearts, they will never give an inch. Their denial is so deep they have no idea of how badly they hurt me by it.

They deny that I'm a woman but if I hadn't been so timid and withdrawn in nature, so easily coerced into putting the family's wishes ahead of my own, I would have asserted my own demands long ago.

Amanda, I attribute my ability to finally come out and transition to my process of maturation, how I finally grew a backbone when I reached the age when many women are able to come into their own power after having served their family's needs all their lives. In reading other women's stories of maturation and discovery of their own power, I recognize myself.

FFS? Of course I don't WANT it. I want to get few surgeries as possible and stay in good health. But I will most likely NEED FFS not WANT it.

SRS I will get not only for my body image issues but for good health so I can lower my HRT doses.

My breaking point?

Realizing I was selfishly messing up my wife's life, AND my own, by not facing facts. Taking the easy route of inertia, stringing my wife along with the hope I'd become who she needed me to be someday.

No, I wasn't sacraficing myself for anyone, or putting my dreams on hold for them, or... nothing like that. I was immature and afraid and lazy, and was getting some of the things *I* wanted from the relationship: a close, though platonic girlfriend, a female life I could "leech" off of, acceptance and closeness of femalekind... oh sure, it was great. FOR ME.

The poor girl would ask me constantly over two decades if I was going to transition someday, and while I wouldn't dare say yes, I also just could not bring myself to say NO, NEVER. I couldn't do it. The more she pushed, the more I avoided it, and the more I realized that I couldn't say NO because I knew.. I KNEW... I would have to. Somehow. Someday. When the stars were Just Right. I was just setting up the chess pieces for the Perfect Move, where I could do it and no one would be able to stop me. My entire life had been one long manipulation to make that happen.

Yea, I'm an immature, selfish bitch.

It all built into an avalanche of clarity one bitterly cold Thanksgiving Day, when I stood in the howling wind, tears freezing to my face, fully realizing what I had done to her, AND me - and was going to do to both of us now. I never "decided" to transition really. I just realized I WOULD, and all the rest... the whining and crying on here for two years was just me venting at the futility of resistance. I KNEW I would. I ALWAYS knew I would.

I realized that I *am* That Kind Of Person. Someone who believes in something so deeply, so insanely selfishly, that it's more important to me than anything. ANYTHING, including my wife's happiness... or even my life itself. It's horrible. It's ugly.

But it's also the Truth.

~Kate~