Is contentment possible as a closeted MTF?  Well, we know that everyone is different.  Some need to be out, free and openly expressing their gender, anywhere, at many or all times.  Others can be happy to some extent while being "in the closet."  After all, about all of us started out that way, unsure who we could tell and what our limits really were.  Some of us started out as cross dressers, and of course they have similar scenarios.

It is clear that many of us who stepped out of the closet could not take being in that closeted situation any more.  But we experienced it.  It was a struggle.

Some put one foot out of the closet, others simply a toe.  Then some of us took steps.  Then some of us walked out of the closet.  Some to special events only.  Some to make it a new lifestyle.   There were no set timetables, each of our lives and situations differ.


What say you about this?


Chrissy

For me personally, I realize now how much I craved full expression, even before I consciously understood it.

I actually started out crossdressing in private, not really knowing what was going on, just that it brought me a sense of comfort, relief, and rightness that I couldn't explain at the time. I thought it was just a quirk, something I could tuck away and control.

But staying closeted, even from myself in some ways, eventually felt like carrying a secret so heavy it began to weigh down my spirit. Every year, it grew a little heavier, until it became undeniable. I don't look back with judgment, I see now that I was doing the best I could with the understanding, I had available at the time.

So, no! For me contentment is not possible as a closeted MTF.


~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: Lilis on April 27, 2025, 04:31:55 PMFor me personally, I realize now how much I craved full expression, even before I consciously understood it.

I actually started out crossdressing in private, not really knowing what was going on, just that it brought me a sense of comfort, relief, and rightness that I couldn't explain at the time. I thought it was just a quirk, something I could tuck away and control.

But staying closeted, even from myself in some ways, eventually felt like carrying a secret so heavy it began to weigh down my spirit. Every year, it grew a little heavier, until it became undeniable. I don't look back with judgment, I see now that I was doing the best I could with the understanding, I had available at the time.

So, no! For me contentment is not possible as a closeted MTF.


~ Lilis 💗

Beautifully stated, Lilis. And reflects my own life inside the closet (though for too many years I thought I was merely a run of the mill pervert instead of an unrealized woman). Whatever lies in front of me, I am eager to meet it head on. Actually, I was ecstatic when I realized I might actually be a woman. Guess I'll find out soon enough; I'm seriously considering HRT (thanks in no small part to reading about your journey, despite all the mud, it sounds beautiful.)

Quote from: Lilis on April 27, 2025, 04:31:55 PMFor me personally, I realize now how much I craved full expression, even before I consciously understood it.

I actually started out crossdressing in private, not really knowing what was going on, just that it brought me a sense of comfort, relief, and rightness that I couldn't explain at the time. I thought it was just a quirk, something I could tuck away and control.

But staying closeted, even from myself in some ways, eventually felt like carrying a secret so heavy it began to weigh down my spirit. Every year, it grew a little heavier, until it became undeniable. I don't look back with judgment, I see now that I was doing the best I could with the understanding, I had available at the time.

So, no! For me contentment is not possible as a closeted MTF.


~ Lilis 💗

Lilis,


I understand where you are coming from.


Chrissy

I guess it varies. I remember at one time I wasn't wanting to be a fully feminine woman. I would've just settled for being an androgynous/unattractive woman. Things like attracting men or being beautiful weren't really what I was wanting at the time.
When I transitioned I gradually became more feminine, and I wanted those things more. It wasn't really an all at once kind of thing for me.

I am not finding contentment in staying hidden in being a transgender Woman.  But I am also not finding myself in a bad place either. I'm learning myself in this place looking forward to the day I too can be open to the world as a fully out woman. I have many more miles to go in this journey and know I will get there. Am I going to get to a place where I can announce to the world who I am, yes. When will that be, I am not sure. But until then I will manage  my life as a woman as best as I can to get me to where I want to eventually be. I know one day I will get there. Until then I will continue to progress forward.

Your query has so many shades!  You'd better be able to define contentment.   Is contentment defined in that you are happy with yourself?  I guess you might.  Better a question to raise with a therapist or two or three!

Case histories indicate closet crossdressers might fit your query better, because I can't see how one can be MTF and be contentedly closeted.  I can conceive that it could be done.  Yet what strength of personality is needed for that though!  For some of us its not what we wear in public but how we act and interact with others that reflects gender.  Of course we prefer to be pretty and well liked.  But we can't all be Elizabeth Montgomery, or Princess Diana.

If its all tangled up in the safety or lack of it when out on the street or at work, with fear of rejection and ostracizing behaviors of others, then I guess you could say staying closeted is safer, but I sure wouldn't call it contentedly closeted. 

I don't know that its all about what we present to the world.  Are you talking about dressing up or down in private?  Or, living as something other than yourself?  Or, presenting what you don't feel in public?  If truly MTF then it should have shown up in one trait or another, and you can live it.  We can all be trained to hide our true selves, but I think you'd be hard pressed to describe it as contentment.  I think we all are closeted about one thing or another, we just call it self control. 

I just don't like the term "closeted."  MTF is a description of how you present to others, either in your personal or public lives.  Gender identity is what you feel and live and act.  "You" will show through no matter what, no matter the trappings.  Hiding a personality trait can be done with skill, albeit maybe in shades of personality.

I'm not saying this very well.  I think its no different than wearing a blue coat one day and a red one another.  We are all able to shift our behaviors and presentation to match what we think we need to do to survive. 

When personality is hidden, hidden, hidden, it damages the psyche. Those of us who stepped out have the satisfaction of fulfillment that precludes ever going back.  Letting our true personalities through is something done unconsciously.  I don't even know how one could even be closeted and be MTF.  Hiding causes more internal strife and stress.

It is simply nice becoming yourself, in all ways, over time.

Could I want more, yes, such as a male fail voice.


Chrissy

I would be content with a more womanly shape. Though it may be like tattoos,once you get one one you want more.

It is nice to see some shape developing over time.