Hello, Everyone.
I feel like the life I'd had for 61 years has ended and a new one just began in February. Over the course of several weeks, I realized I'm transgender (AMAB). I don't know yet where I'll land on the spectrum of possibilities. Increasingly often, I feel fully that I'm a woman; at other times I feel genderless. But I definitely don't feel like a "man" and I never have.
In May, I'll begin laser hair removal to try to eliminate my (very sparse) beard, which excites me beyond words. I've begun growing my hair longer than the 1/2-inch buzz-cut I used to maintain. I bought myself a silver necklace with a goddess pendant that brings me joy.
I'm fortunate to live in a community that is extremely accepting of gender diversity. I'm absolutely blessed to have a partner of 18 years who has been a lesbian for her entire adult life before me (how/why did we end up together???) and has been the go-to primary care doctor in our town for the LGBTQIA+ community. I couldn't ask for a more supportive environment. I'm also lucky to be small in stature.
When I first realized what was happening inside me, I felt like a complete mess - like I didn't know who or what I was, and that meant I was an unpredictable disaster. Over the course of the last two months, I've accepted that I am flowing down a river and just need to relax and surrender to what feels right for me. Last night, my partner laid out several of her (larger) pretty/soft shirts for me to try on. She laughed and chided me (good-naturedly) when she saw how happy I was wearing them. Each day feels like a step in maturing into my true self.
I don't hate my body or even my genitals. After 61 years with it, I feel pretty conditioned to life with this configuration. But it does feel "odd" and physically uncomfortable to me. I have no idea at this point what I may decide to do about that. I'm not at all enthusiastic about entering into the medical system (for any reason). My partner has asked, "If someone could snap their fingers and give you good results of a sex-reassignment surgery, would you want it." Yes, I would.
Something I wonder often is this: Why should gender matter at all to me? I have male anatomy, but I don't identify with "being a man." So couldn't I just "be me" (when I work out what that is in its entirety) in the body I have and wear and do whatever I please? Since I have no desire to emulate society's image of masculinity, why would I want to do that with its feminine menu of options? This is where I am in puzzling through what's inside of me.
Irrespective of the eventual results of those choices, I'll need to confront what to tell my mother (81 years old) when she visits us in June. I know that I don't need to tell her everything that's in my heart, but there will be enough visible in me and in my relationship with my partner that it will be obvious to her that a lot has changed since we saw her last year. And it's important to me to try to be as authentic with my mother as I can - even when it's uncomfortable.
That's my story so far. Thank you for being here and being yourselves. You are all shining lights in this world.
"Pema"
