Quote from: Lilis on May 23, 2025, 01:16:43 AMHey Lauren,

What you shared here stayed with me. It seems I can't shake it out of my mind.

Can I ask were you nervous when you first told her?

Ra (Ra not real name) and I are meeting in person for the first time on Tuesday.

We've had some good convos so far, and I'm feeling hopeful... but also a little nervous.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, do you have any advice?


~ Lilis 💗

Nervous doesn't even come remotely close to describing how I felt. I was terrified. Like absurd, rabbit-caught-in-headlights levels of sheer mortification. My mouth felt full of sand and I wasn't sure I would be able to form coherent sentences. I'm not even sure I did, lol. I think I just babbled something that sounded vaguely intelligible and she pieced it together... somehow.

Her words to me were, and I quote: "I see boobies in my future, so it's all good!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I did both at the same time.

Just be you, Lilis. That's my advice. Be open. She might have questions and want to understand. To get to know how you feel. Be as honest as you can. And... go with it. Watch the crazy butterflies but don't get consumed by them, and you'll be fine. <3 Remember, she's probably as nervous as you are.

Above all, remember you are worth loving, and worth being with. As is she. You have nothing to hide, and nothing to shy away from. So... girl, just enjoy it and have a great time. You'll be okay. I have a feeling. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on May 23, 2025, 01:52:04 PMJust be you, Lilis. That's my advice. Be open. She might have questions and want to understand. To get to know how you feel. Be as honest as you can. And... go with it. Watch the crazy butterflies but don't get consumed by them, and you'll be fine. <3 Remember, she's probably as nervous as you are.

Thank you so much, Lauren! 💗


~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Lilis on May 23, 2025, 07:12:06 AMThank you so much, Tanya and Davina, for this kind of warmth and encouragement. 💗

Over the years, I've found one of the hardest tasks people face is giving themselves permission to like and love themselves as much as people who know them do. So often, people instead doubt the like/love and end up pushing it away because of that. I did a complete reprogram of my thinking between the ages of 18 and 21 and in there, one of the things I learned was to love myself and to let others love me, which massively boosted my self-confidence.

Do this for yourself, Lillis and every date will become a good date. Even if they turn out to be idiots, they'll walk away a little better simply for having been around you for a short while.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 24, 2025, 02:09:55 AMOver the years, I've found one of the hardest tasks people face is giving themselves permission to like and love themselves as much as people who know them do. So often, people instead doubt the like/love and end up pushing it away because of that.

QuoteDo this for yourself, Lillis and every date will become a good date.

That's pretty incredible, Tanya, it's like you're reading my heart from miles away through a screen.

I love that. 💋💞

You touched something tender in me. I'm still learning how to love myself and allow others to love me, especially after a heartbreak that's lingered for a long time.

It's been 25 years since I said goodbye to Ruth, my high school sweetheart, and there are days when the grief still feels just beneath the surface.

That loss shaped the way I've protected my heart in every relationship since, and even now, I'm still slowly working through it.

So this upcoming date with Ra on Tuesday... it's a big deal. I feel hopeful, but also a little scared.

I want to show up fully as myself, with softness and joy, but it's not always easy to quiet those old voices of fear and doubt.

Your words are a balm. 🫂

I'm taking them with me on Tuesday.

Thank you so much, Tanya. Truly.

With love,

~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: Lilis on May 24, 2025, 04:30:41 AMYou touched something tender in me. I'm still learning how to love myself and allow others to love me, especially after a heartbreak that's lingered for a long time.

That's the thing with relationships, we have to take a risk sharing ourselves and accept that sometimes it wonn't work out. But when it doesn't work out, we also need to accept that if we are empathic, consistent and adult people, then relationships sometimes, often even, don't work out not because of any issue with ourselves, but because of other factors. Sometimes two people don't click, other times it's the other person who isn't right for us.

If a relationship fails, particularly a crucial early one, our confidence can take a massive hit because we haven't built it up enough at that stage to survive the gamble (if you like) which lies at the hear of any relationship. Which is we can build something from which both partners can benefit. In that case, a relationship not working out can make us feel all relationships will fail to work out, the common factor in the failure being us.

But that is not so, particularly not of you Lillis. You come over as a seriously complete and compelling person to me, and I'd love you to believe that of yourself. 

Quote from: TanyaG on May 24, 2025, 04:49:27 AMIf a relationship fails, particularly a crucial early one, our confidence can take a massive hit because we haven't built it up enough at that stage to survive the gamble (if you like) which lies at the hear of any relationship.

QuoteIn that case, a relationship not working out can make us feel all relationships will fail to work out, the common factor in the failure being us.

QuoteBut that is not so, particularly not of you Lillis. You come over as a seriously complete and compelling person to me, and I'd love you to believe that of yourself. 

This is such a thoughtful and deeply grounding reflection, Tanya.

You named something I've quietly carried for so long, the fear that maybe the common thread in my heartbreaks was me.

But the way you spoke to it, with so much clarity and compassion, offered me a new frame to hold it in.

I'm tucking this reframing into my little inner toolbox, to help me keep rebuilding that courage, piece by piece, heartbeat by heartbeat.

And thank you, Tanya, for seeing me as someone whole and compelling.

That reflection means more than I can say.

I'm ready for Tuesday! 🙂

With love,

~ Lilis 🫂💗

Quote from: Sephirah on May 23, 2025, 01:52:04 PMNervous doesn't even come remotely close to describing how I felt. I was terrified. Like absurd, rabbit-caught-in-headlights levels of sheer mortification. My mouth felt full of sand and I wasn't sure I would be able to form coherent sentences. I'm not even sure I did, lol. I think I just babbled something that sounded vaguely intelligible and she pieced it together... somehow.

Her words to me were, and I quote: "I see boobies in my future, so it's all good!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I did both at the same time

Hey Lauren,

As the time draws near, I find myself feeling some of those same symptoms, heart racing, brain fog, and a surreal mix of excitement and fear, especially when I start thinking about chivalry.

I'm navigating many "firsts" on this beautiful, sometimes bewildering journey.

One of those firsts is happening today!

I'm going on my first date with a beautiful woman.

Her name is Ra.(Not real name)

She's kind, inclusive, and affirming. I'm thrilled... and also nervously full of questions I never thought I'd be asking from this side of things.

I've spent years socialized as male, and I'm still learning how to show up as a woman in queer dating spaces.

What does chivalry look like when two women are on a date? What's expected, or even wanted?

As our meeting approaches, I find myself wondering: 🤔💭

Who holds the door?

Who offers to pay, or asks if the other wants a drink?

Should I pull out her chair, or would that feel awkward or presumptuous?

Are there unspoken codes between queer women I should be aware of?

Can I still express my femininity and be the one to offer small gestures like opening the door or guiding us through the space?

To be honest, I'm a bit confused,and maybe a little self-conscious. I want to be respectful, caring, and present.

But I also don't want to accidentally fall into outdated gender roles or make assumptions based on how I used to navigate the world before my transition.

I'd love to hear from others who have experience with queer dating.

How have you navigated things like this?
What have you learned about care, mutual attentiveness, and emotional presence in your relationships?

Thank you for holding space for me to process this.

I don't have much time, our date is in less than 10 hours!

But no matter how it goes, I'm growing, I'm learning, and I'm so grateful to be doing it with the support of this community.

Warmly,

~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMWho holds the door?

This is where it depends on what your definition of trans is, Lillis! If you have exclusively feminine traits then chivalry isn't a thing, because it's so patriarchal. When two women approach a door, whoever reaches it first goes through first and stops it swinging shut for the second.

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMWho offers to pay, or asks if the other wants a drink?

Again, if you are feminine trait dominant, you share the cost.

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMShould I pull out her chair, or would that feel awkward or presumptuous?

Again, you sit in your own chairs, because with no gender barriers to negotiate, you are equals.

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMAre there unspoken codes between queer women I should be aware of?

This is case by case stuff, though I can DM you some extremely funny papers written about this! However, best not to pigeonhole her and just confess this is a new situation for you and you are on tenterhooks! Be honest and open.

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMCan I still express my femininity and be the one to offer small gestures like opening the door or guiding us through the space?

See above.

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMTo be honest, I'm a bit confused,and maybe a little self-conscious. I want to be respectful, caring, and present.

Be those things without laying the male scripting on top and you'll be fine, girl,

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMBut I also don't want to accidentally fall into outdated gender roles or make assumptions based on how I used to navigate the world before my transition.

Again, see above.

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMI'd love to hear from others who have experience with queer dating.

I've never employed male scripting or adopted a gendered role either way and it's never been a problem. I have dated queer women, but as man and if I've never had an issue, it's likely been because of that. Just stop yourself chaperoning her around and you'll be fine, darling.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 27, 2025, 04:29:09 AMJust stop yourself chaperoning her around and you'll be fine, darling.

ROFL! Thank you, Tanya!

Now I just have to keep myself from getting dolled up too early... but who am I kidding?

I'm a nervous wreck over here! 


~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 04:45:59 AMNow I just have to keep myself from getting dolled up too early... but who am I kidding?

Don't forget she's probably a nervous wreck too and is probably asking herself the same questions and already eyeing her wardrobe!

It was a long time ago now, but when I was eighteen I was asked if I'd ever thought of asking a girl who remains one of the two most beautiful women I have ever seen for a date. I laughed so much I couldn't speak for at least a minute and when I got my voice back, I replied I would no more ask her out than I would another girl in our immediate circle, who made the pair. I just couldn't conceive either would see anything in me and so I said, 'Why would I put myself through the inevitable public rejection?' I honestly thought the person who asked me was being malicious and wanting to see me humiliated.

Within three months, I would be living with the first girl and when she went to America the other asked me out and I ended up living with her too. After that I quit worrying about what I thought other people thought of me. Do the same on this date.

You know, it's probably easier to say how excited you are to be on a date with her, but how your anxiety nearly boiled over because she sounded so lovely and you were anticipating meeting her so much. Tell her you tried everything in your wardrobe. Then you can say something like, 'I can't imagine you ever being as ditsy as that, you look so serene and collected.'

Quote from: TanyaG on May 27, 2025, 05:05:02 AMThen you can say something like, 'I can't imagine you ever being as ditsy as that, you look so serene and collected.'

But I'm wanting and expecting for her to do this and say it me.

I don't know, does that make sense?

Lol 

Lilis 💗

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 05:12:49 AMBut I'm wanting and expecting for her to do this and say it me.

If you move first, she'll likely make that response first and if she moves first, you'll make that response first. If you both wait for the other, neither of you will say it :-)

Quote from: TanyaG on May 27, 2025, 05:14:30 AMIf you move first, she'll likely make that response first and if she moves first, you'll make that response first. If you both wait for the other, neither of you will say it :-)

Hahaha, I'm going to paint my nails.

Thanks Tanya! 💗

~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 03:59:39 AMHey Lauren,

As the time draws near, I find myself feeling some of those same symptoms, heart racing, brain fog, and a surreal mix of excitement and fear, especially when I start thinking about chivalry.

I'm navigating many "firsts" on this beautiful, sometimes bewildering journey.

One of those firsts is happening today!

I'm going on my first date with a beautiful woman.

Her name is Ra.(Not real name)

She's kind, inclusive, and affirming. I'm thrilled... and also nervously full of questions I never thought I'd be asking from this side of things.

I've spent years socialized as male, and I'm still learning how to show up as a woman in queer dating spaces.

What does chivalry look like when two women are on a date? What's expected, or even wanted?

As our meeting approaches, I find myself wondering: 🤔💭

Who holds the door?

Who offers to pay, or asks if the other wants a drink?

Should I pull out her chair, or would that feel awkward or presumptuous?

Are there unspoken codes between queer women I should be aware of?

Can I still express my femininity and be the one to offer small gestures like opening the door or guiding us through the space?

To be honest, I'm a bit confused,and maybe a little self-conscious. I want to be respectful, caring, and present.

But I also don't want to accidentally fall into outdated gender roles or make assumptions based on how I used to navigate the world before my transition.

I'd love to hear from others who have experience with queer dating.

How have you navigated things like this?
What have you learned about care, mutual attentiveness, and emotional presence in your relationships?

Thank you for holding space for me to process this.

I don't have much time, our date is in less than 10 hours!

But no matter how it goes, I'm growing, I'm learning, and I'm so grateful to be doing it with the support of this community.

Warmly,

~ Lilis 💗

It's five hours until my date with Ra, and this is feeling extremely challenging.

My neck muscles are tense, my stomach's full of butterflies, and my knees feel weak.

It's like my gender is short-circuiting between male and female energies all at once.

What's going on here?

The only other time I've felt something like this was with a binary, heterosexual trans woman that I was getting to know before.

This swirling mix of anticipation, dysphoria, excitement, and fear, it's intense.

I honestly don't know if I can pull this off.

~ Lilis 🤕

Quote from: Lilis on May 27, 2025, 07:11:01 AMIt's like my gender is short-circuiting between male and female energies all at once. What's going on here?

Without talking to you, I'd say you're experiencing symptoms of high arousal, triggered by anticipation and anxiety about how you'll come across to her. Some of the anxiety will be this is the first time you've been in the situation of dating as a woman with a woman and in your earlier posts, you're almost setting yourself up for imposter syndrome. Yet right up until this moment, you've come across as a very grounded, empathic, adult person and maybe you're forgetting that's whom she is going to see?

I've got all afternoon if you need it.

Over thinking again, relax and enjoy. Just be yourself and try not to "please". If there is chemistry it will happen. XX

Quote from: davina61 on May 27, 2025, 08:03:28 AMOver thinking again, relax and enjoy. Just be yourself and try not to "please". If there is chemistry it will happen. XX

☝️😀 What Davina Said!... You are gonna do great little sister! It is okay to give yourself permission to be nervous!... if you need to, tell Ra that it is your first female date and you are feeling anxious..she will totally understand and that way you don't feel you need to maintain a facade of not being nervous! I predict as soon as you both start talking... You will just be you and YOU is a beautiful thing to be!... All Shall Be Well 🤗

Onward Brave Girl!

A 💕

Do remember she won't have a window to see into your all your hopes and fears and that if she did, that she'd probably want to never to want to leave your side again anyway

Quote from: TanyaG on May 27, 2025, 07:40:42 AMWithout talking to you, I'd say you're experiencing symptoms of high arousal, triggered by anticipation and anxiety about how you'll come across to her.

QuoteSome of the anxiety will be this is the first time you've been in the situation of dating as a woman with a woman and in your earlier posts, you're almost setting yourself up for imposter syndrome.

QuoteYet right up until this moment, you've come across as a very grounded, empathic, adult person and maybe you're forgetting that's whom she is going to see?

@TanyaG Christ, I can hardly type and send this message... Tanya

Yes... How do I make it stop?

Thank you so much, @tgirlamg @Davina


~ Lilis 🤕