Hi everybody,
A lot has happened in my life in the last few months. Some of it is hard to talk about. It's been difficult, and I feel like I need some kind of closure. Typing it out is the only way I know of at the moment. This is a long read.
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The last three months have been the most stressful, yet exciting time of my life.
Last February, after struggling for years, my egg finally cracked. I mean, I've felt for a long time that I'm trans, but I was finally able to break through that denial stage and be honest with myself.
I started seeing a therapist. She helped me establish some goals and timelines for myself, most importantly coming out to my fiancé. I started working on a letter, with the intention of reading it to her out loud. We'd been together over 13 years, and we were each other's first love. She has very few friends. She's had a traumatic past and has trust issues. She's very socially isolated. I knew this news was going to absolutely destroy her, and I was having a hell of a time accepting that.
Fast forward about a year. I still hadn't found the right moment to talk to her. Yeah, I know, "the right moment" never comes. The letter was ready. I desperately wanted to start HRT. I finally decided enough was enough. I sat her down on a Friday evening, and this is what I said.
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I know I've been acting distant lately. And I realize how frustrating and confusing it's making you feel. Please know it isn't because of anything you've done. And it isn't something I'm purposely doing to you, or out of spite for you.
Really, all that matters, is that I'm hurting you, and that's not ok. I don't feel good about it at all. I don't like the person I've become. I don't want to be the kind of person who keeps things from their partner. I feel selfish and dirty, and I'm so sorry.
I want you to know that I love you more than you could ever know. I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I'd like the chance to explain why I've been acting so weird. I've written this letter with the utmost honesty and sincerity. I hope you can see how much effort I've put into it.
The truth is, I've been in a really dark place for a while. I say I'm fine, but I'm not. You tell me I can talk to you, and that means so much to me. I trust you, but certain things are incredibly hard for me to talk about, or even explain.
I need to share with you a personal secret I've been keeping for a long time. Having this conversation with you is all I've been thinking about—it's become the unwanted focus of my life. The thought of talking about it brings me severe anxiety. It's affecting me in a major way, and it's something that we need to discuss together.
Writing this has taken me a year. I only have one chance to get it right, and it's been challenging. It means coming to terms with feelings I buried long ago. I'm risking my reputation, my personal safety, and my future. Worst of all, I'm risking losing you.
My hope is that after the initial shock, you'll understand how difficult it's been for me. It could be the missing puzzle piece that makes things fall into place for you.
I'm choosing to confide in you something that I've been thinking and worrying about in private for a long time.
I have gender identity issues.
I was born in the wrong body.
I genuinely feel I was meant to be a woman.
I only find women attractive.
I want to transition into a woman.
I speak these words with conviction. It's not something I take lightly.
I realize how overwhelming, ridiculous and unreal this sounds. But it is VERY real for me.
I wish I didn't have to put you through this. It is not my intention to hurt you in any way. I've had my entire life to contemplate and dwell on it. But you're hearing about it now for the first time, and I can't even begin to imagine the feelings of shock and betrayal you must be feeling.
I need you to know that I TRULY felt I'd pushed these feelings to the side when we first met. I was able to ignore it for many years. But it's grown stronger over time—so much so, in fact, that I now feel it's my only path to being truly happy with who I am. I've considered a life where I just "forget it", but it leaves me feeling bleak, empty, and sad.
This is why I struggle talking about marriage. I can't move forward with this part of me hidden. I've made so many mistakes handling this, and I'm afraid I'll live with terrible regret for the rest of my life.
I didn't wake up one day and decide this, even if I may never be able to fully articulate my experience to you. It isn't because of anything anyone did to me. It's part of me, and as hard as I've tried to deny it, it always has been. This is not a phase, a mental illness to be treated, or a choice to be made. I've ignored many signs.
I felt something was off at a young age, but I didn't know what any of it meant. Saying anything would've been disastrous for me. I couldn't face the harassment. I would've been mocked, punished and disowned. It would've ruined my life, at a time where making friends was already difficult. So, I chose to keep it to myself. I accepted there was no solution. And I really thought I'd take this secret to my grave.
I hate my body. I hate all my body hair. I can't stand my voice. Or my rough hands. I wish I was shorter.
When someone asks me to reach an item for them at the store. When someone calls me "big guy". A firm gripped handshake that I must reciprocate, or else I'm not considered "genuine enough". Not being allowed to cry. Words like handsome, strong, rugged, or manly—normal guys would be proud, but any time someone uses these to describe me, another little piece of me dies. I feel like I'm living life on hard mode. Like I'm not even real. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I feel broken and defeated.
I never gave enough consideration to how badly it would affect me years later. It's the main source of my rampant depression and anxiety. It's taken me years to realize that I've done NOTHING to address these issues. I was too busy denying and fighting it. All I've done is expend years of my life that I'll never get back.
Keeping this from you wasn't fair, and I deeply regret it. I was able to rationalize my choices at the time because I knew how badly this would hurt you. I feared the worst—that you'd be hateful and vindictive. That you'd consider our years together a huge waste of time. I didn't want to be the person who does that to another human being. You've given your life to me, yet I have this inescapable, life altering secret I'm withholding that I have no control over.
I didn't ask for this—I just wanted to find happiness in life. And I tried. I didn't want it to come to this. I was determined to find a solution that wouldn't destroy everything about us. And in those efforts, I inadvertently let so many years slip away, making the truth that much harder to confront. I feel terrible guilt for letting this go on so long.
I DESPERATELY need you to believe I'm not delusional, because I'm terrified of dealing with this alone.
You've expressed your opinions in the past. I know it probably conflicts with your beliefs. This has been really complicated for me, but I now realize I'm robbing you of an opportunity to eventually understand, even if you don't right now. That's a choice you deserve to make for yourself.
I need you to know that all our years together have been real, genuine love. Despite how you may feel towards me right now, please know that I've always felt what we have is special. I want nothing more than to have you in my life. This is not something either of us can walk away from without destroying a big part of ourselves.
I also know this isn't what you signed up for. I'm doing this with full knowledge of what it may mean for us and our relationship. The most I can hope for—you'll give me a hug afterwards and say you'll be there for me.
What I don't want, is for you to let your love for me blind you so much, that you're contorting yourself to accommodate a situation that isn't right for you. I'm not suggesting you magically become attracted to women. You can't change that, just as I can't change how I feel inside.
You are allowed to feel however you want. You may feel like you don't know me at all. Your thoughts and feelings don't make you a bad person. I know they aren't a dismissal of what I'm experiencing. All I'm asking for is your love and support. However you can offer it. I'm offering the most real and authentic version of myself that I can.
I'm still me. I'm the same person you've known for so many years. I'm still the person you fell in love with. I know you love my heart and my soul. I know you love me for ME. Regardless of how this ends up for us, know that I will always be here for you. I love you with all my heart and soul. You will always have a true friend for life.
Going forward, I'm prepared to openly communicate with you about everything.
I love you so much.
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By the time I was finished reading, she was sobbing uncontrollably.
She got up, casually walked out of the house, and just laid down in the grass. And not in a relaxed way, either. She laid there, halfway in the fetal position, like all the life was just sucked from her soul. She cried harder than I've ever heard her cry before.
I laid down beside her. I held her hand. I reiterated my love for her. That I'm still the same person. I apologized over and over. I felt terrible. She was speechless. But I needed her to ask questions. I wanted her to be eager to know more—not out of excitement or curiosity, but out of concern. Concern for the pain that I felt for so long. But there was nothing. She couldn't form any words.
She pulls her hand away. Her sadness turns into anger. She stood up, briskly walked into the house, and started screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Thirteen motherf***ing years?! You waited thirteen years to bring this up to me?! You do realize what you've done, right?! You've f***ing ruined us!! You've ruined everything!! We're f***ing done!! My life is OVER!!"
Within 5 minutes, she smashed every framed photo of us she could get her hands on. There was broken glass everywhere. Her feet were bleeding. An entire dutch oven of stew covered the dining room carpet. She trashed the entire main floor of our home. Our dogs cowered in their crates.
She runs upstairs and starts packing a bag. She's on the phone with her sister. She hangs up after about 30 seconds. She storms back down the stairs.
"I'm leaving. You can call and tell my sister, or I will. Same goes for my parents, and the rest of my family, too. And yours."
She walked out the door and left. She was gone. No chance to talk. I didn't even get a chance to give her the copy of the letter I had printed for her. I was just floored, shocked, so deeply hurt. Yet I felt like I deserved it all.
I called her sister a few minutes later. I came out to her over the phone. She's like a sister to me, too. She was crying. But she was understanding and accepting. The conversation left me feeling a glimmer of hope—maybe she'd be able to calm her sister down after a while. Despite the terrible mess she made, the hours of cleaning ahead of me, all I could think about was her well being.
I spent hours picking up glass, cleaning food, blood, and dog urine out of the carpet. I went to bed afterwards.
I wake up in the morning to missed calls, voicemails, texts, and Facebook messages. Her entire family knew already. As you can imagine, most of the messages were not sympathetic or nice. A couple of the messages convinced me I needed to leave the house. I packed a couple bags. Took the dogs. I didn't even know where I was going.
I took the dogs to my parent's house. In that moment, I couldn't explain much to them. They hadn't heard from my ex. I wasn't prepared for any of this. I wasn't ready to come out to them yet. I just wanted to disappear. I told them I needed them to watch the dogs for a few days. And that I would explain more soon.
In the following days, I mostly slept in my car. Park and rides, Walmart parking lots, etc. I slept on a friend's couch for a couple of those days. I took two weeks off of work. I hadn't heard from her at all. I didn't know if she was home.
After about a week, I went back to the house. No signs that she had stayed there. But there was a key lockbox on the front door. She must've contacted a realtor. Regardless, I started staying in my house again. I bought a blink camera system, because I didn't know if her family was out to get me. I blocked her entire family. I deleted Facebook. Messenger. Anything they could use to contact me.
I started HRT two weeks later.
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That was late February. A lot has changed since then.
By the end of May, we had sold our house. It was a rough time for both of us. It still is. We're a bit more civil than we were at the beginning. Despite the huge changes in my life, I still think about her daily. The guilt eats at me. I wonder if she's okay. I don't want to lose her as a friend. But healing requires distance.
Technically, I'm staying with my parents. They don't know yet. I'm waiting until I'm no longer under their roof, because I'd probably end up homeless if they found out. Really, most of my belongings are just there. I'm usually based out of my truck, living out of a duffel bag. And I'm fine with that—it's the warm season, and I'm taking the opportunity to find myself.
I haven't found a place yet because I'm trying to relocate an hour away, to Madison, WI. The home market is really competitive here. But I spend most of my time here. I know people here that love me for who I am. They've given me places to stay. When I'm here, I'm living full time. It's where I feel safest and most welcome.
I met someone down here a few months ago, and she's absolutely amazing. She's also transgender. She's a couple years into her transition and has helped me so much, despite having a daughter and being recently divorced. We have such similar experiences and pasts, and we've grown super close. She's been my guiding light, and I don't know where I'd be without her. She's truly changed my life.
The social anxiety has gone away for the most part. I went from being terrified of being feminine in public, to presenting female all the time, with the exception of work and around my parents. I've purged most of my guy clothes, keeping only enough to maintain that side of me until I'm fully out.
Building my new wardrobe has been incredibly validating. Walking out of Torrid wearing a dress I just bought, then going out to dinner with friends afterwards, OMG, I cry just thinking about it. I hold these moments dearly.
I came out to several old friends, a couple of my coworkers, and I've met a handful of people at my support group. Everyone has been totally supportive.
I don't know if I'm going to stay at my current job. They offer fantastic benefits, including health insurance that covers gender affirming care. I've been there 6 years and have a solid reputation. I'm conflicted but I'll just have to figure it out.
I started laser on my face, neck, upper chest, and back. Purchased a lifetime package through Milan. Paid for it outright. Talk about the best feeling in the world. I need to start bringing a box of tissues to my appointments. I cry tears of joy every time I'm there!
So yeah, almost six months on HRT, three laser sessions, major weight loss, and discovering new parts of myself every day.
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My 2025 started out rough. I went from feeling like I was circling the drain, to the happiest I've ever been in my 34 years on this giant flying rock.
Thank you to everyone that contributes to this forum. Your words helped instill positive changes in my life. And so many others.
I've lurked these forums for years. Everyone that said coming out to your partner is the hardest part, you were 100% correct. Pain and suffering are part of the human experience. But things got better. They still are every day.
If you took the time to read this, THANK YOU!
-Freyalin
