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Middle aged and sick of hiding...but petrified of what's to come

Started by CynthiaR, September 07, 2025, 08:29:46 PM

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CynthiaR

Hello all. Guess I'll try to introduce myself. I'm Cynthia or just Cindy, and I'm 50. Guess I've always known I was, ahem, "different". Some of my early memories are wanting to paint my nails or do up my hair. As soon as I was aware that my parents were suspicious, I buried myself inside and hid behind the mask. I've spent over 40 years introverted, ashamed of who I am, and scared to death that I'd slip up and be found out. I am so tired of hiding and pretending. A couple of weeks ago, I finally plucked up enough courage to contact a local clinic that provides gender affirming care and made an appointment for a consultation. This is the first that I've ever revealed who I am. I can't even begin to put my feelings into words and my hands are just shaking. I have a wife and two kids. I can only imagine how they're going to react when I finally find the courage to come out to those I care about. It honestly feels selfish of me to even consider it. I sincerely pray that I am making the right choice. If there's anyone that has advice to offer, or that can point me in the direction of local resources, I'm in western NY. Thank you all for allowing me to kinda ramble on and get this off my chest. Guess it's not much of an introduction, but it's unscripted and fired off from the hip, lol.

Maid Marion

Hi Cindy,

Welcome!

Western NY is out my comfortable driving distance by quite a ways--about double the time/distance of my long trips to Provincetown.

Marion

Northern Star Girl

@CynthiaR
Dear Cynthia:

Hello and WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum. 
I am so very glad that you found us and made the decision to register as a member here.


You definitely came to the right place to share with our like-minded members regarding your transition journey.

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confusing to be able to navigate around and utilize the features here.
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member of the Moderator staff
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CynthiaR

@Maid Marion Can't say I'd ever expect someone to consider coming to meet me. Appreciate the support. Thank you. @Northern Star Girl Yes, the forum format is new to me and will take me a bit to learn to use effectvely. Please bear with me as I bumble along.

Lori Dee

Hi Cindy,

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Relax. You are among friends here. The anxiety you are experiencing is very common for those who are just beginning to figure out who they are inside.

If you read some of our members' stories, I think you will see just how much we all have in common. You will also find that many of our members were/are married with children, and how they navigated that part of their journey.

It will not be easy. There will be good times and bad. But you are not alone in this. Read that again. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. We are here to offer advice, lend an ear when you need to vent, a shoulder when you need support, and we will cheer you on as you advance along your journey.

I am happy that you found a clinic and have a consultation. That is a very important first step. Will that include a therapist? If not, seek one out who has experience with gender identities. They can help answer questions you may have, even help you explain things to your spouse and children. If you get comfortable, it doesn't hurt to invite your spouse to a therapy session. That allows them to get answers to their questions. It provides you a chance to hear what her questions are, and she can hear what questions you have, and you both hear the answers from someone who knows what is going on.

When to talk to her about this is up to you. You must be comfortable doing so to make it go a little easier. How you tell her is also up to you. The important part is trust and honesty. You will be trusting her with something very personal, so it is important to be honest about it, lest you be accused of hiding something. This is all new for you, so it will be new for her too. I am hopeful that she will be willing to stand by you and walk this journey with you together.

If you want to check out some of the member stories here, you can find them in the Member Blogs section.

We also have a section specifically set aside for Significant Others and for resources, check out our Support Groups forum.

I look forward to seeing you around the forums.
My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete

HELP US HELP YOU!
Please consider making a Donation or becoming a Subscriber.
Every little bit helps. Thank you!

tgirlamg

Welcome Aboard Cindy!

Kudos on finding the courage to make your consult appointment!... I think there is a tipping point many of us reach when our worst fears about showing others the part of ourself we have always hidden are no longer as bad as the thought of hiding any longer!

There are, of course unknowns ahead but, move into this process with an open heart, anxious about the discoveries to be made because amazing things await you!... all challenges can be navigated and a life that serves the needs of the soul within you far better can be built... Your answers are out there and will be worth all your good efforts to seek out!

May your journey be blessed!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻

CynthiaR

@Lori Dee Thank you for your kind words and gentle way of reminding me to get a grip. I'm uncertain as to the extent of the services the clinic offers. They are affiliated with a teaching hospital and a local university. If they don't have therapists on staff, I feel fairly confident that they could point me in the right direction. I do feel that I need to be working with a therapist. I would like to have a diagnosis kinda as proof that what I've been experiencing is real and valid. Kinda my rock to stand on as I allow those around me to get to know the real me. I greatly appreciate the links to areas of interest. The forum is deep and vast. Without a knowledgeable guide to point the way, it's easy to overlook a helpful thread.
@tgirlamg Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Yes, I certainly felt as though I'd reached a tipping point. I was so sick of lying to myself and just hating myself. It seemed the only thing I was feeling was anger over the frustration I was experiencing. Finding a community, acceptance, and finally allowing the real me to find her voice, is allowing me to breathe easier. I know this is not going to be a leisurely stroll along the primrose path. But I'm nothing if not stubborn. Once I set my mind to something, I'm rarely deterred.

Lori Dee

Quote from: CynthiaR on Yesterday at 11:01:13 PMI would like to have a diagnosis kinda as proof that what I've been experiencing is real and valid.

Yes, and it opens doors as well. Typically, a healthcare provider will not treat an undiagnosed condition. They don't just hand out medicine the way some politicians believe. By having the diagnosis, you then have a condition that requires medically necessary treatment. Those are key words. Many insurance companies will not cover treatments that are "cosmetic" or not medically necessary.

For example, hair removal for facial hair is a "cosmetic" procedure. With a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, it becomes "medically necessary" to treat dysphoria. Under Trump 2.0, much of that has gone out the window, and everything is denied because... reasons.

All is not lost because there are ways around the BS. A friend of mine owned an accounting business and was teaching me how to do tax returns. He said:
"It is not what you say, but how you say it."

Hair removal for gender affirming care was removed by the Veterans Administration. But I started transitioning five years ago, so my medical records show me as female. I then received a diagnosis of "hirsuitism," which is excessive facial hair in women, and hair removal then became "medically necessary".

Early in my transition, my hormones were labeled For Gender Transition. My Endocrinologist wrote a letter stating that I had completed the clinical requirements for transition to female. That letter allowed me to change gender markers on my IDs. Then my hormones are now labeled for Hormone Replacement, which is medically necessary for women my age (68).

So it is important to have an accepting and supportive healthcare team. That is a therapist, Primary Care, Endocrinology, or Gynecology. It is nice to be accepted, but even better to have their support. Because they can "say it" so that it qualifies as medically necessary.

Keep us updated on how things are going for you and let us know if you need help.

My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete

HELP US HELP YOU!
Please consider making a Donation or becoming a Subscriber.
Every little bit helps. Thank you!

tgirlamg

Cindy!

I hear in your words the determination that will carry you forward to wherever you wish to go with all of this!... Let the anger of the past drop away and be replaced with hope for there is much to be hopeful about. The building of a life that finally serves us is a glorious and liberating process... At the beginning there are so many unknowns, and therefore fears, but as you put one foot in front of the other you will find your way past them. 🌻

The path to the things you seek is best walked with friends at your side and you are amongst friends here girl!!! 🌻

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻

Sarah B

Hi Cindy

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

What you shared took real courage.  Shaking hands and a racing mind are completely normal at this stage.  You are among friends here.

Your consult is a big first step.  Since the clinic is tied to a teaching hospital or university they can usually link you with a therapist who understand what you are going through.  A formal diagnosis can validate what you are feeling and it often helps with practical things like insurance.

Marion is right that distance makes person meetups tricky yet the support is real.  Danielle and the moderator team can help if the forum layout trips you up.  Lori is right that you are not alone.  Ashley is right that hope belongs in this process.

Member Blogs and the Support Groups sections are great places to read stories and meet people who have walked a similar path.

You belong here Cindy.  When you are ready, let us know how the consult goes.  We are with you.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@CynthiaR
Be who you want to be.
Sarah's Story
Feb 1989 Living my life as Sarah.
Feb 1989 Legally changed my name.
Mar 1989 Started hormones.
May 1990 Three surgery letters.
Feb 1991 Surgery.

CynthiaR

@Lori Dee
@tgirlamg
@Sarah B
I'm unable to put into words my gratitude for your kind words of support and your willingness to provide guidance. I'm still working on opening up about myself. I spent years being bullied in school during my youth. As a result, I have a hard time letting my defenses down. I look forward to engaging with more of the community here, and I hope my story and journey can be an inspiration to others struggling to find their true selves. On that note, as well as for anyone that might like to look into my provider, I'm working with Trillium Health in Rochester, NY. They're associated with the University of Rochester, and UR Medicine. When I was looking into them, Trillium claimed to not just be "all inclusive", but to actually have transgender providers on staff. Kinda figured I'd be in good hands. As I'm able to spend more time exploring posts here, I'll gain inspiration and will flesh out my bio. I'm still surprised that anyone really wants to get to know me. Again, thank you to everyone.
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