Hey Daydreaming,
Welcome to Susan's Place—and thank you for such an open, thoughtful first post.
What stands out most is how clearly you know yourself even as you explore new ground. You've lived authentically for over a decade, and now you're giving yourself permission to ask different questions. That takes real courage and self-awareness. Being confident that you're trans while re-examining what form that takes isn't a contradiction; it's a mature recognition that identity can be both steady and evolving.
Your note about resisting "nonbinary" because you've never liked being "out" rings true. Our relationship to labels is often as much about visibility, safety, and how we want to move through the world as it is about inner experience. Genderqueer and agender can honor that "neither/none" feeling you describe without demanding a spotlight if that isn't your style.
It's also valid to wonder whether hormonal changes are influencing what's coming up. Even if lower T creates more space for reflection, that doesn't make the questions any less real. Sometimes our bodies and minds need the right conditions to let us hear what's been quietly true underneath. You're not seeking to detransition; you're refining what transition means for you specifically.
The way you describe your expression—mostly masc, sometimes androgynous, slightly femme, or neutral—reads less like uncertainty and more like ease. Letting presentation follow mood rather than performing a fixed identity is often a marker of comfort. Many agender folks describe something similar: not being tethered to gendered expectations because there isn't an internal gender demanding consistency.
On "passing," after a decade on T it makes sense that the frame starts to feel strange. You're simply living in your body. The question shifts from "How am I read?" to "How do I want to inhabit the body I've shaped?" That's a different—and often more satisfying—conversation.
I also want to reflect what others have offered in the thread. Courtney G raised a question that may resonate: Is the middle ground the destination rather than a compromise? Erin noted how goals can evolve over time. Lilis described gender as flowing across a range rather than a fixed point, and Alana talked about seeking comfort and a touch of androgyny as a personal north star. Together, these perspectives echo what you're feeling: this spacious, less-defined sense of self is both real and shared, even if everyone's specifics differ.
One last affirmation: you said you're "definitely trans," and that matters. Agender is trans. Genderqueer is trans. You don't have to be binary to be "trans enough." The fact that your gender doesn't align with what you were assigned at birth is what makes you trans; exploring the particular flavor of that truth doesn't diminish it.
You're not lost—you're fine-tuning. Keep listening the way you already are. Your answers don't have to look like anyone else's, and you have every right to choose the mix of privacy, language, and expression that fits you best. I'm glad you're here, and I'm looking forward to hearing more as you explore.
Looking forward to watching your continued growth!
— Susan
