I've recently figured I'm a hermaphrodite(because for some strange reason I like this term) mentally. Both male and female, as I phase in an out of each gender role and as far as I can remember always have (weather it was visually obvious as in my late teen/early 20s or mentally and emotionally from my childhood years that no one ever knew about but me)
The term was mentioned to me today, bigender. What makes someone bigender and is it me? The definition the person mentioned was being both genders at the same time and not just fluctuating.
Last night I broke up how I felt into quarters.
1/4 of the time I feel like a boy and want to turn my female body into a male one
1/4 of the time I'm extremely happy and comfortable with my female body
1/4 of the time I try to be both at the same time and fail miserably because I have such a feminine accentuated body
1/4 of the time I try to be androgynous and have no gender but fail miserable because I have such a feminine accentuated body
If I could have it my way, I would have a slimmer more androgynous body mass with both male and female genitalia. I cant even tell you how happy that would make me. To be able to be one or the other or both or neither at any point in time as I see fit. To REALLY be gender fluid, and REALLY be comfortable with my body ALL the time.
Could I use the boys bathroom? That would be so awesome.
But how would that work. What of my breasts? Maybe a breast reduction? so they where small... that way I could always bind them if I felt like filling that male gender role. (I'm more fantasizing than really considering gender reasignment surgery)
I really do feel more like I'm both male and female at the same time. My fluidity between the two can fluctuate anywhere between an hour to half a year. right now I go back and forth so frequently that one minute I'm happy in my skirt and the next I question why I even put it on this morning instead of my pants. When that happens I just have to tell myself the skirt is more for functionality. I like skirts because I feel like I'm more agile than when I'm in pants, and that makes me feel okay with wearing a skirt when I feel masculine. And then sometimes I struggle with my wardrobe to find the perfect mix of both male and female clothing, but when I put it on I just look like a butchy fem (stupid cruves!!!).
A boy in the dress
I know we cant all have what we want, but I really just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I really want to change my body so that I am comfortable with it. But I'm soo poor, thats never going to happen in my life time and you have no idea how sad that makes me to have to live a lie in my skin until I die.
One last note: If I'm "bigender" but I only like girls but I'm polyamorous romantically, what sexual orientation does that make me?
