Okay, so I've avoided joining this forum for as long as humanly possible, but I have finally given in. I am about to collapse under pressure. I don't know if I am TS or not. I've had feelings of wanting to be a girl in my preteen/teen years. I had dreams of it even; and they felt right (in fact I think they even triggered it). I began wondering "Why am I boy? Couldn't I have just as easily been born a girl?" I looked at girls with envy of being one of "them". I didn't have the feelings when I was really young, but I always felt I was "unusual", like I didn't fit in right. I've come dangerously close to attempting suicide 6 or more times now for such things (and other stress in life, too). So, I denied for a while during the fall 2007 to the beginning of this spring. I decided I was going to live life positively and happily; and I did for a while. I was happy (or so I thought). I always fought with my libido since it began, except for when I decided it was normal from I all I heard during my early teens. But, at the beginning of spring, I was nailed again, I ran into a TS area of pages on Oprah's website, and began wanting to change gender again. For a while, I thought this was the right thing to do. But...... I feel I am fighting a male existence/ego too, what if I am denying myself my manhood? I understand guys, but I don't; I understand girls, but I don't. I worried for a while, what if this isn't TSism? I had this feeling I was comfortable with myself recently as a male, which then scared me; am I really just a boy with some freaking perverted desire or what? I hate myself for this, I have been fighting "male" thoughts for some two weeks now, and am doubting that this (TSism) is real. Yet, I feel inadequate as a man, like I am not the same, not deserving of manhood. But somehow, even though the fire in me is dying, I am exhausted, and have fried virtually every circuit left in my brain,  I know I somehow NEED to transition, but I fear I have created this. I cannot get over this Mt. Everest of doubt. I feel I have made this up, but why did I feel this way when I was younger? It seems so easy and like a good idea even to go back to living as a male and forget this all. But I am afraid it will come back and bite me later emotionally and wreck me. I want to go forward; but can't. I want to go back; but can't. I feel so stuck right now, I am holding myself from going back to living as male, because of fear of this happening again, which makes me feel like this isn't really real, because I really want to go back (like it is right), but I fear getting blasted down by this again. And, what if I start HRT and I found out it isn't doing me any good, then where do I have to go?!?!

I feel so alone, and lost. Can any TS (pre-transition or in transition) here relate, or have any advice?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Is this where the term "gender conflict" comes from?!?!?!?!

Added: I wrote this message a few days ago when I was going crazy, I'm doing a little better now, but I know it will happen again, eventually. So I need some advice. I still feel like none of this is "real". I don't if this a lie or not.

See a therapist.

As Lisa said,  and I agree. I thinjk you need to see a good Gender therapist before making any rash decisions. Right now you are experiencing more thoughts and emotions than you can handle and that is where the therapist can help. They help you to explore and find yourself first which is the first step towards transition IMO. The Hrt usually comes later after you are sure that transition is what you seek.

I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

Quote from: Wendy C on May 13, 2008, 09:33:20 PM


I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

I agree with all that has been said. Also I would like to add to what Wendy said about HRT. Not that I was prescribed it to determine if I was TS. I can only explain it like this. I describe how I felt is like there was this battle going on between my mind and my body. This was a huge thing and I had ongoing anxiety attacks, etc. I was given a low dose of HRT to start with and all I can say is that I am a different person. My counselor said something interesting, "that's what your body needed that was missing and caused the conflict." Whether that is it, it surely seems like it. Just a thought.

Hope I have not broken any rule either, its the only way I could explain it.

Hugs

Nigella

As a non-op TS/non-Transistioning ( is that possible?? ) that is 40-something,  I am happy with my life, my wife, and daughter, and my career & other endeavors seems to be going okay.   Do I wish I could make the step to cross the line --- you bet ya.  Will I? not in the forseeable future. 

Just be who you are....

Daisy

Thank you for all your support everyone. I wish I could see a therapist..... but I won't be able to for a number of months. I was hoping I could better figure this out here in the meantime. I was thinking, though. I have been told that I am far more emotional than the average guy. I have been told I have the mind of a girl before too. I've been commented on an argument that I had that I don't argue like a guy, but like a little b****  . But, it's like I am fighting this male ego/existence that doesn't want this, and it is getting cold and forceful in my head. I like some boy things, as well as girl things. I enjoy it more when I feel sincerely like a girl, but I haven't felt that "way" for a while. I don't know , maybe I am androgyne? I wish there were an "easy" door to take, but.... bleh. I have gone from being sure of being TS to 100% denial/believing it is all a lie, in no time. And T isn't helping either; I believe it's affecting my brain wiring. I just don't know sometimes.....

Quote from: stardust on May 14, 2008, 11:28:54 AM

Quote from: Wendy C on May 13, 2008, 09:33:20 PM


I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

I agree with all that has been said. Also I would like to add to what Wendy said about HRT. Not that I was prescribed it to determine if I was TS. I can only explain it like this. I describe how I felt is like there was this battle going on between my mind and my body. This was a huge thing and I had ongoing anxiety attacks, etc. I was given a low dose of HRT to start with and all I can say is that I am a different person. My counselor said something interesting, "that's what your body needed that was missing and caused the conflict." Whether that is it, it surely seems like it. Just a thought.

Hope I have not broken any rule either, its the only way I could explain it.

Hugs

Nigella

I'm not going to self-medicate, I know that it is dangerous. It's just if I find out if the therapist gives me a low-dose HRT, and I was wrong, I really don't know what I am going to do......

I think you've taken a great first step in joining the forum. There is a tremendous amount of information here, and some really insightful people that are more than willing to help. Figuring out who you are takes time, please don't rush into anything without being sure. And don't be a stranger here 

riven_one: Thank you so much. Stranger? I just worry if this isn't real, what if I am troll or something? But then I have been told before by others that because I worry, this means this isn't not real.

I agree with everyone else, definitely seeing a good therapist is the thing to do.  Even if you can't see a gender therapist, a non-specialist could help you with all the emotions you're feeling.

One thing that I found when i was first really coming to terms with who i am, was that I really struggled to try and 'pick' a label that fitted me, which just added to the confusion.  Really, 'knowing' whether you're an androgyne, TS or any other label doesn't change anything.  Whats important is that you be who you are, it doesn't matter what that is.

good luck hon
*hugs*
jenny

jenny_: I wish I could see a therapist..... I still have to wait. Labels... yeah. I feel like I don't belong to any label, like I don't associate with anyone here in the time I was browsing before joining. But, maybe I am blind of the truth, and I am actually go through the same things, but my confusion is masking me? I really wish I knew who I am right now. Quoting what somebody here said in the past, if I could even use half my brain towards something constructive, I could do some amazing things.

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:50:38 PM
jenny_: I wish I could see a therapist..... I still have to wait. Labels... yeah. I feel like I don't belong to any label, like I don't associate with anyone here in the time I was browsing before joining. But, maybe I am blind of the truth, and I am actually go through the same things, but my confusion is masking me? I really wish I knew who I am right now. Quoting what somebody here said in the past, if I could even use half my brain towards something constructive, I could do some amazing things.

I feel for you honey, i really do.  Theres no easy answers, everyone is different and theres no one true transsexual or true androgyne that you can compare yourself to.  But give yourself time, answers will come and in a few months you'll have a clearer understanding of you, and you'll look back at this time and these posts and wonder how you could have ever been so confused. 

QuoteI wish I could see a therapist..... but I won't be able to for a number of months.

You can always have excuses, like being in the miltary, not having the money, or not wanting you wife to know. Your mental health is more important than all of those. If you have a problem you will find a way.There are even some free services if you look.

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:40:40 PM
riven_one: Thank you so much. Stranger? I just worry if this isn't real, what if I am troll or something? But then I have been told before by others that because I worry, this means this isn't not real.

my "stranger" comment is a southern USA saying that means "come back" often 

Note to self: Be more plain 

Quote from: jenny_ on May 14, 2008, 02:08:38 PM

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:50:38 PM
jenny_: I wish I could see a therapist..... I still have to wait. Labels... yeah. I feel like I don't belong to any label, like I don't associate with anyone here in the time I was browsing before joining. But, maybe I am blind of the truth, and I am actually go through the same things, but my confusion is masking me? I really wish I knew who I am right now. Quoting what somebody here said in the past, if I could even use half my brain towards something constructive, I could do some amazing things.

I feel for you honey, i really do.  Theres no easy answers, everyone is different and theres no one true transsexual or true androgyne that you can compare yourself to.  But give yourself time, answers will come and in a few months you'll have a clearer understanding of you, and you'll look back at this time and these posts and wonder how you could have ever been so confused. 

Thank you so much, I know I will get to the answer. I know I just have to be patient (which is very difficult to be ).

Quote from: riven_one on May 14, 2008, 02:10:04 PM

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:40:40 PM
riven_one: Thank you so much. Stranger? I just worry if this isn't real, what if I am troll or something? But then I have been told before by others that because I worry, this means this isn't not real.

my "stranger" comment is a southern USA saying that means "come back" often 

Note to self: Be more plain 

Lol, I see now.



Posted on: May 14, 2008, 02:29:56 PM

---

Ok, so I have some more questions. When I recap and look back at my pre-teen/teen years, there's a lot of evidence pointing towards TSism. I have been told I think differently from most guys. I have been told when I asked that it is virtually impossible for a "guy" to truly act like a girl, and vice versa. Even when I am acting like what I think is guy-like ways, I am told otherwise. Does anyone here relate, or agree with this?
Secondly, occasionally things will be more positive for me, and I think this is gone; like suddenly GID is out of my life completely. It's great and all, but it'll usually come back for a round when I don't expect it. Can anyone relate to this too? I know some of my close-call suicide situations were because I felt I wasn't the girl I should be. But these memories of growing up and going through all this hell that I didn't realize at the time seem distant now, raise a huge doubt factor for me. It's like I know the answer down deep, but conscious doubt overwhelms it, like I need to keep myself consciously convinced this is real, which consequently creates a vicious circle of doubt that this is a lie or something. I only started really facing this in the past couple months, and is this normal in the stage of facing this situation?

I'm sorry to keep asking, I just keep asking questions (bad habit).

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 01:15:15 PM
Thank you for all your support everyone. I wish I could see a therapist..... but I won't be able to for a number of months. I was hoping I could better figure this out here in the meantime. I was thinking, though. I have been told that I am far more emotional than the average guy. I have been told I have the mind of a girl before too. I've been commented on an argument that I had that I don't argue like a guy, but like a little b****  . But, it's like I am fighting this male ego/existence that doesn't want this, and it is getting cold and forceful in my head. I like some boy things, as well as girl things. I enjoy it more when I feel sincerely like a girl, but I haven't felt that "way" for a while. I don't know , maybe I am androgyne? I wish there were an "easy" door to take, but.... bleh. I have gone from being sure of being TS to 100% denial/believing it is all a lie, in no time. And T isn't helping either; I believe it's affecting my brain wiring. I just don't know sometimes.....

Quote from: stardust on May 14, 2008, 11:28:54 AM

Quote from: Wendy C on May 13, 2008, 09:33:20 PM


I hope I am not breaking another rule with this statement but sometimes low dose Hrt is prescribed to a transsexual as a tool in determining if you truly are, but again that is best left to the Therapist or Endo to decide. Hrt can be dangerous in many ways in addition to being a lifesaver and is not to be played with.  Try to take one step at a time Hon and Hugs.

Wendy

I agree with all that has been said. Also I would like to add to what Wendy said about HRT. Not that I was prescribed it to determine if I was TS. I can only explain it like this. I describe how I felt is like there was this battle going on between my mind and my body. This was a huge thing and I had ongoing anxiety attacks, etc. I was given a low dose of HRT to start with and all I can say is that I am a different person. My counselor said something interesting, "that's what your body needed that was missing and caused the conflict." Whether that is it, it surely seems like it. Just a thought.

Hope I have not broken any rule either, its the only way I could explain it.

Hugs

Nigella

I'm not going to self-medicate, I know that it is dangerous. It's just if I find out if the therapist gives me a low-dose HRT, and I was wrong, I really don't know what I am going to do......

Hahaha. You've been called a little bitch TOO? . You're not alone, don't worry about that. You sound kind of what I was in last year. I was trying to date again to see if a girlfriend I used to have and I could make it again, cause I thought I loved her again. I was, of course, wrong. Then I started thinking it wasn't fetishism, but maybe something else.

So yeah... I'd recommend seeing a therapist. I'm not lucky enough to get a specialist, but if you are in the position, you definitely should. Good luck, and don't do anything dumb again like what you said. I've thought of it myself sometimes, but keep it going. I too thought everything had shorted out in my brain, but after I got out of my depression it got fixed a bit. You are most likely also depressed, and this cycle of your issues and that will feed off of each other.

Like I said, go to a therapist/specialist. It will help a lot. And stay on here... You'll find you have quite a bit in common with some people. You're not so different from many things I've had in my past...

Quote from: deviousxen on May 14, 2008, 11:15:15 PM
Hahaha. You've been called a little bitch TOO? . You're not alone, don't worry about that. You sound kind of what I was in last year. I was trying to date again to see if a girlfriend I used to have and I could make it again, cause I thought I loved her again. I was, of course, wrong. Then I started thinking it wasn't fetishism, but maybe something else.

So yeah... I'd recommend seeing a therapist. I'm not lucky enough to get a specialist, but if you are in the position, you definitely should. Good luck, and don't do anything dumb again like what you said. I've thought of it myself sometimes, but keep it going. I too thought everything had shorted out in my brain, but after I got out of my depression it got fixed a bit. You are most likely also depressed, and this cycle of your issues and that will feed off of each other.

Like I said, go to a therapist/specialist. It will help a lot. And stay on here... You'll find you have quite a bit in common with some people. You're not so different from many things I've had in my past...

Lol, yeah, I have. I actually was pleasantly surprised when I was called that (does that make any sense? ) I've heard of it before, but can someone explain what fetishism is exactly?

I've been definitely depressed lately, and I don't think I even fully realize it. I think it goes like this:
Gender issues -> Depression -> Forget the issues because I am so depressed; makes me think this isn't real -> Heavier depression -> I somehow find a way out, and things are positive; makes me think again: Is this all fake again -> Slowly fall into depression again. Sometimes, I just don't care if I am male or female or whatever, and at other times, I am depressed and will have something hit me at the wrong time, like watching a couple GGs having fun hanging out or something. Sometimes I will get hit hard, other times, I just don't care. This is just one vicious circle......

Same here. Cycles are usually similar in that.

And I don't find it weird. I liked being called that too...

findingreason, I have absolutely no advice at all, but I'm very thankful for your thread as you precisely explained things that I feel like but couldn't explain myself. (though I'm not sure if it's at the same intensity) I really hope you figure stuff out and I know how difficult and confusing it is, heck I'm in a very similar position at the moment. I think it's a good idea to see the therapist, not so much for medication (although it does make it easier) or to be 'diagnosed' as TS, but just to have someone give you some ideas and some confirmation that what you are feeling is valid. (the feeling valid is _incredibly_ important) I also understand the thing about the therapist, my therapist is in a different freaking country, so I'm pretty much corresponding via email though I might see him next week. (if the plane flies then that is) Oh and something that I've found is nice, just start doing some more feminine things, like shaving and stuff. You can still be completely male and do feminine things which makes it 'convenient' (for gross lack of better term) and it might make you feel better about yourself, it does for me, sometimes it makes my day. Anyways, I hope you figure things out.

Quote from: findingreason on May 14, 2008, 09:44:51 PM
Secondly, occasionally things will be more positive for me, and I think this is gone; like suddenly GID is out of my life completely. It's great and all, but it'll usually come back for a round when I don't expect it. Can anyone relate to this too?

I have known people [who later decided to transition] that this has happened to.  You're not alone in feeling that way.

Findingreason,

Not unlike a lot of the girls here, I can completely understand what you're going through because I have been there exactly like you are now.  I went through the same things you are going through, it cost me three wonderful marriages and twenty five years of struggle.  For me I made the choice to find out what the hell was wrong with me.  If you are TS, no one on Earth can change that, I tried believe me.  There is only one cure I know of and that is 'Transition'.  I am a hell of a lot happier in a dress than in a jock strap.

Contract your local chapter of GLBT.  Or look up Gay Organizations in your phone book they may have low cost sources for you.  But above all and forsaking everything else find a good therapist.  Unless you live in Cowtown USA you can find help.

Your mental health is paramount and suicide solves nothing.

Stay in Touch.  All us girls need to stick together.  The ladies in these forums, and some of the guys, have really got it together.  Listen to them all.  We are here to help all of our sisters.

Good luck and just be yourself as you feel it.

And welcome to the Sisterhood. 

Love,
Janet