Some of you may recall  from some earlier posts that my family has been away for just shy of a week.  THe kid's school vacation didn't match mine.  ANd, like they say, when the cat's away, the mice will boogie!

So, since Saturday, with a few exceptions, I have been living my life as Chaunte.  Over this time, I have gone to my first support group meeting; had my hair done; saw a friend who knows all about me but had not met me in person; used the ladies room for the first time and been to my therapist.  On top of that, I came out to a fellow teacher who graciously offered me her home should I lose mine.  It was a busy weekend.

When it came time for me to go back to work Tuesday (I took Monday off as a personal day), my entire body recoiled at having to leave myself behind.  My therapist warned me that this would be hard, but I never thought it would be this difficult!

I got through yesterday through shear force of will!  My blood pressure was up.  I was irritable.  The only thing I wanted was to get home and put on some "normal" clothes!  Today wasn't quite as bad, but I have been packing my things away in anticipation of the family coming back tomorow.  This part has been awful!

Before this weekend, I would refer to my female self in the third person.  (She, Her)

Now, I refer to myself in the female first person (I)  I've stopped saying "She always here inside."  I have started saying "I am here inside..."

I have always taken a conservative approach to my transgendered status.  After this weekend, I am seriously wondering if I am transexual.

It's midnight and I have to be up in just over 4 hours.

Chaunte

Sweetheart;  you have a problem, which you can handle if you think it out and don't rush your fences, or simply don't get caught up in the rush of things and let things get out of control.  I can remember the rushing home to get my clothes on. and how that thought seemed to be the most important thing in my life.  I can only suggest that you think it through and if you want to take your family with you on your journey stick to your coming out plan.  If you do not have a coming out plan get started on one ASAP.

I was Outed before I was ready and it has caused several family problems that might not have occurred had I been able to stick to my original coming out plan.  In my case two things happened at almost the same time that outed me; first a Doctor told my daughter as I was being discharged from the hospital, that they had everything under control except my ->-bleeped-<-; and a very short time later my son was informed by a Military Intelligence person that I was transsexual, both of there events hurt me very much and some of the damage I am still trying to resolve

Hang in there Chaunte and God be with you and your family.

Caitlyn

Caitlyn,

I am feeling more ... wings level this morning.  I am just glad that I have had a couple days to calm down.

There are some other serious issues facing my spouse and myself besides my ->-bleeped-<-.  So, I am going to suggest that we go to therapy together.  I believe that she suspects.  If  When this comes up in therapy, then we will have the talk.

It has been an incredible few days.  What I need are more extended periods like this to better define who I am.  Until then, though, I have some wonderful memories.

Chaunte

Charnte:

I can relate to how you are feeling.  I have trying most of my life to put the "jeannie" back in the bottle, but finally decided to break the bottle and move on.  It is not easy but it necessary for me to live.

I think Caitlyn's advise about having a coming out plan is the right approach, and going to therapy can be part of the plan.  Think it through very carefully, prepare, then execute the plan.

Molly

Guess what, the "jeannie" doesn't fit back in the bottle ever again.

Sarah

Quote from: Sarah Louise on April 13, 2006, 10:16:08 AM
Guess what, the "jeannie" doesn't fit back in the bottle ever again.

This is SO true. My journal these past few months is littered with references of bridges being burned, opening pandoras box, digging a deeper hole, etc.

Last november, I finally decided to "solve" this issue, once and for all, by tackling it head-on. I fully expected to find some psychosis or obsession driving it all, some less than noble root cause which would release me from the need to transition.

Things didn't qiute turn out that way. The deeper I dug, the more reasons TO transition I discovered. Things just got worse and worse, and now I *almost* regret having opened this can of worms. Almost.

Now I'm in therapy, attending support groups, have started removing my beard, and am wondering how to start HRT without destroying my marriage.

Once you truly open your eyes and SEE the lie you've been living, and see the havoc it's wreaked in your life while you supposedly "coped" for decades, how can you ever close them again?

My journal is the same Kate, the things I put there are just for me and my therapist.  I would die if others saw it.  I have put my life there.  But it has helped, my therapist had me put a pad of paper next to my bed, I write things on it at night, that way I don't have to obsess about them all night.  I can look at the paper in the morning and am able to express myself better.

Sarah

Chaunte wrote, "When it came time for me to go back to work Tuesday (I took Monday off as a personal day), my entire body recoiled at having to leave myself behind."

Chaunte,  I feel such empathy with your situation.  My worst (most depressing) time of the day is usually in the weekday mornings, when it's time to put on the "disguise" once again and return to the sham that I've recognized my life to be.  Some mornings I stand in front of my closet and have to take quite a few long moments to gather my strength and force myself to grab something appropriately masculine to put on.  The "Jeannie" is going back in, screaming, and only with the vigorous use of a ramrod.

Fortunately, most days as the time passes I fall into the old habits and the pain, at least that part, subsides.  Either that or I just get used to it being there.  I'm hoping therapy will help with this but more and more I'm afraid that if I continue to feel this way, full time transition may be my only relief.  This is not, as many can relate to, a popular consideration at my house.

But we have to do what we have to do, I guess.  Support group helps and the therapy (although it seems to be taking forever!) should begin to bear fruit soon.  I just have to keep telling myself, "All good things come to she who waits."

helen

I think I've said it before, but it bears repeating: You know you've gone beyond the point of no return when you start thinking of getting dressed for work Monday morning as 'getting into drag'.

It's funny how the silliest things will set me off; removing my nail polish Sunday nights puts me in a state of depression for a couple of hours, and putting on a tight undershirt to flatten my chest just kills my soul.

Still, I know that I'm moving forward, and it won't be forever. It's those days when I seem to be stuck in place that tear me up; as long as I see that I'm making progress, I can deal with it.

One of the highlights of my being free was seeing my therapist.  Walking down the street, hips and arm swinging just a little, was so natural.  I didn't even have to think about how to walk - I just did it!  I arrived early for once, had a seat and started thumbing through a copy of Parenting Magazine.  Previously, my therapist gave me permission to arrive anytime as Chaunte, so it wasn't like I didn't have an invitation...

She arrived, saw me and said, "You beat me!"

Then her jaw hung open and an ear-to-ear smile crossed her face when she realized I was there in a skirt & heels with my hair and makeup done.

"You look great!" she exclaimed.

Her first question was, "How do you feel?"

"Normal," I replied.  "I feel normal."

She noted later that I seemed softer.  Gentiler.

As I left, she gave a wink & smile as she "ma'amed" me.  I smiled back, grinning from ear to ear.

Caitlyn & Molly - I am putting together a plan and will stick with it.  As part of my headiness, I came out to a fellow teacher that I know is in a domestic partnership relationship.  (Brag Alert! - My district is the only one in the county that has a domestic partner school & union policy that includes health coverage!)  We get along very well.  Of course, it doesn't hurt that i have her son in my class.  After chatting for a while, she graciously offered me a place to live should things work out as I think they will.  Having someplace to lay my head is a big piece in creating a plan.

Sarah Louise - You are right.  Jeannie is out of her bottle.

Kate & Sarah - I have an electronic journal that I dowload onto a cd-rom from time to time.  Parts of it I don't let my therapist see.  And it has been a Godsend.  I started the journal just a few days after my stylist "created" me.

Helen & Annie- I DO feel like I am going to work in drag!  I know that I will have to suffer through this for a while until a) I come out to my wife and b) I hear from NY State Ed.  Since the transgendersommunity is NOT protected in my state, State Ed could very easily shred my teacing credentials.  I have an email off to them asking about this.  Given that it is NY State Ed, I don't expect a reply for several months.

Quote from: Chaunte on April 12, 2006, 11:03:09 PM

I have always taken a conservative approach to my transgendered status.  After this weekend, I am seriously wondering if I am transexual.

Chaunte

Hi Chaunte,

Thats question of where I fit is proving hard for me. With Steph coments of the TS & TG thread..

Quote
I realize that there are CDs out there whose compulsion to dress is so strong that they too would consider drastic alternatives if they couldn't and to those I would recommend therapy as they may in fact be transsexual.

had me thinking about transitioning as well. I just got a call from my theripst and she was telling me to not look that far down the track enjoy your current days. I have booked into makeover session that she has now endorsed and I am sure I will enjoy that day.  However I still do not think that transitioning is correct for me. Ensure you are happy with decision before you start the process. Do not assume that because you love your feminine side you must transition.

Alice

Transitionins is a very personal decision and NOT right for everyone.  The problems, issues and potential losses of transition have to be carefully considered and understood.

It isn't up to your therapist, it is up to you and what you want and need for your life.  If your happy dressing once in a while and being treated as a woman just for short periods of time, by all means, don't transition. 

Sarah

I think that if there is one thing I learned from transitioning and I have learned it good. You need to be honest with your spouse. If you want to try and make your marriage work and there is not guarantees to any of this, you need to sit down and talk to your spouse before going into therapy. She may not want to go to therapy with you if she finds out you are TG. She may feel a little bit intimidated to go and if you told your spouse in front of the therapist you may get a negative response. She will find out if you keep on dressing and it will be disasterous if you were caught walking down the street by a friend that both of you know. You need a good long talk with her.
Sheila

Probably a better phrase would be a marriage councilor.  We have a lot of issues to work out before we even get to my ->-bleeped-<-.

I am convinced that no matter how I come out, my wife will have a very negative reaction.

Chaunte

Quote from: Chaunte on April 14, 2006, 03:38:50 PM
I am convinced that no matter how I come out, my wife will have a very negative reaction.

Then you're probably right.  I know the initial reaction I get from just about everyone was what I expected.  Some of them came around and ended up being supportive and some were supportive right from the start.  However, I never had a negative response from somebody where I had expected a positive one.  Of course, I may soon be putting my foot in my mouth because I have some more people that I want to come out to.

Melissa