I'm gonna go flat hunting with some girls that i've been talking to online.  Anyway I've not told them that i'm transsexual and i'm not wanting to.  But the question is that they're all on facebook and want to add me, but i can't decide whether to or not, because up until now the only people listed as friends are people who knew me from before.  I'm just scared that somebody will out me or that my picture isn't good enough to pass.
At the moment i'm changing my mind every 5 minutes, lol!

Any advice anyone?

The web is mostly about popularity. You can use a false picture and name like most other's do. Either way your writing is your personal stamp and will be on the web for a long time for anyone to find.

Quote from: lisagurl on May 18, 2008, 07:30:29 PM
The web is mostly about popularity. You can use a false picture and name like most other's do. Either way your writing is your personal stamp and will be on the web for a long time for anyone to find.

Yep, googling your name every so often can be interesting.  I do it to make sure some of the dumber things I've done aren't actually associated to my name

Unfortunately, the internet is "forever".  I found an email I sent to a distribution list in 1998 since they archive the messages to the web, fortunately it didn't actually have my name...but it's scary that 10 years later, there it is for anyone to see.

If you already have a profile there, one option might be to set up a second one and slowly stop using the first.  Or you could just add them and see what happens, and just deal with it if it does.  That's not really all that helpful though...

If you don't have enough confidence to share your facebook with them, why are you even considering living with them?  All of the conditions that you fear with facebook are a hundred times when you're living with people.  They see you every day at your best and your worst.  There's so many more ways you could get outted living with someone.

If it's such a big concern then you should just tell them.  Come out of the closet.  It will be a load off your mind.  If that's a deal breaker for them, then it's best you find out before you sign the lease.

Being trans isn't anything to be ashamed of or stress a ton about.  Don't worry.  Everything will be alright.

If it's not...then I owe you a coke

Well, as far as pictures go, you can maybe find some alternative to a real-life picture.  When the Simpsons movie was out, they had a website where you could submit your picture and be turned into a Simpsons-type drawn character.  That's my facebook picture.  I also went and removed all the tags from photos of me pre-transition, and removed any other identifying characteristics.  Just enough so that old folks still know it's me and that new people won't know I'm trans without me telling them.

Lia

Quote from: SarahFaceDoom on May 19, 2008, 01:35:29 AM
If you don't have enough confidence to share your facebook with them, why are you even considering living with them?  All of the conditions that you fear with facebook are a hundred times when you're living with people.  They see you every day at your best and your worst.  There's so many more ways you could get outted living with someone.

If it's such a big concern then you should just tell them.  Come out of the closet.  It will be a load off your mind.  If that's a deal breaker for them, then it's best you find out before you sign the lease.

Being trans isn't anything to be ashamed of or stress a ton about.  Don't worry.  Everything will be alright.

If it's not...then I owe you a coke

You're right.  You're completely right, and i'm gonna add them to facebook.  I'm just scared, but like you said if i'm gonna live with them then i've got to face it sooner or later.  I just don't want to, its scary!
I hope everything's gonna be all right!


Posted on: May 19, 2008, 07:21:38 PM

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Quote from: genovais on May 19, 2008, 03:57:46 AM
Well, as far as pictures go, you can maybe find some alternative to a real-life picture.  When the Simpsons movie was out, they had a website where you could submit your picture and be turned into a Simpsons-type drawn character.  That's my facebook picture.  I also went and removed all the tags from photos of me pre-transition, and removed any other identifying characteristics.  Just enough so that old folks still know it's me and that new people won't know I'm trans without me telling them.

Lia

I've thought about doing that. It's just that I really hate it when people don't use they're actual pictures, it makes them look like they have something to hide.  (Though I guess i do  )

What do you think of my picture?  I've got the same one on facebook as I do on here.  Its old and i've started hrt since then but its the best one i've got

FWIW, Jenny, you're an attractive woman!

Jay

I never NEVER give my facebook address to
anyone who knows I'm a TS unless they are very very
friends I can trust A LOT.

Just one person can out you for the whole world to see
and I can't take that risk.

That's why I don't give my facebook address here either
and would never add any TS to my friends list. It may
be elitist, but if you've got many TS friends, you'll be
outed in someway pretty quickly (I've seen it done
accidentally or volontarilly to several people I know).

Prefer keeping
my interactions with TS friends off facebook
(or with a different identity with a different photo
or no photo).

Quote from: sneakersjay on May 19, 2008, 03:08:19 PM
FWIW, Jenny, you're an attractive woman!

Jay

*blushes* thankyou, you're sweet.

I think I pass mostly, though I know i can't be at all objective when it comes to myself.  Friends say I pass anyway, so I dunno what to think.  I just hope i'm not deluding myself, and my friends aren't just trying to say things to keep me happy. *shrugs*

Posted on: May 19, 2008, 09:43:02 PM

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Quote from: Keira on May 19, 2008, 03:21:37 PM

I never NEVER give my facebook address to
anyone who knows I'm a TS unless they are very very
friends I can trust A LOT.

Just one person can out you for the whole world to see
and I can't take that risk.

I can understand that, and I'll probably do the same thing in a few years time.  I'm early on in transition though, so most of my friends i knew from before.  I don't even mind telling people, its just that i want to be the one to tell them.  It really annoys me when my friends tell other people.  When I first came out to friends I knew at school it pretty much went like, "hi, i'm TS", "yeah, i know, thingy told me" grrr.  S'pose it makes it easy though

Quote from: Keira on May 19, 2008, 03:21:37 PM

I never NEVER give my facebook address to
anyone who knows I'm a TS unless they are very very
friends I can trust A LOT.

Just one person can out you for the whole world to see
and I can't take that risk.

That's why I don't give my facebook address here either
and would never add any TS to my friends list. It may
be elitist, but if you've got many TS friends, you'll be
outed in someway pretty quickly (I've seen it done
accidentally or volontarilly to several people I know).

Prefer keeping
my interactions with TS friends off facebook
(or with a different identity with a different photo
or no photo).

I don't know if Facebook does this, even though I have facebook, I've never really explored it's privacy features too much--but on myspace you can set up comment approval, so nothing anyone posts on your page goes without your okay.  I do this mostly to curtail people putting a bunch of stupid pictures on my page or loud graphics.  But one could also use it to keep themselves from being outted.

As for facebook.  Meh.  I always assume everyone already knows I'm TS.  Sometimes people suprisingly don't.  But I use facebook to keep in touch with people I used to know in college and high school, and so far I haven't had any problems.  sometimes people have questions.  Sometimes they don't.  I agree with Jenny though.  I do prefer being able to tell someone rather than worry about them finding information and making their own deal of it.  I feel like I can explain myself better than others have, and make it relatable.  So if this were my situation, I would want to out myself rather than worry about being outted by someone else.  I don't trust the rest of the wold to have that kind of control on me.  I want to be in control of my own information, so if I'm telling people, I can control how they find out, and what context they know it in.  And so far, I've not had any bad experiences with that.

From your pic, Jenny, you look like you pass just fine.

Jay

Quote from: Keira on May 19, 2008, 03:21:37 PMThat's why I don't give my facebook address here either
and would never add any TS to my friends list. It may
be elitist, but if you've got many TS friends, you'll be
outed in someway pretty quickly (I've seen it done
accidentally or volontarilly to several people I know).

The majority of my Facebook friends are LGBT, including a few T, not a big deal at all. I described myself in my profile as an out and proud queer woman, and at least half the groups and causes I joined there are LGBT-related.

Meanwhile, a friend made a video of me and posted it on You Tube using the same name for me, identifying me as a transsexual. I had given him permission to do so. In the old days they had a phrase to describe maximum exposure: "In front of God and everybody." The contemporary form of that would be "In front of Google and everybody." Because searching my name on Google will quickly reveal all. So I guess I'm really out now. I manage a lesbian Yahoo group, and for all 2 years I've been in it, I had never mentioned that I'm trans. Some of its members found my video and wrote to express support for me. So it's all good. I just don't worry about stuff like that.