I've been stuck in a bad form of limbo since I first came to terms with the fact that I've struggled with my gender identity a year ago. I did see a gender therapist a couple of times last year. I liked her and she was very understanding. But, I started feeling like things were happening too fast for me to process. I felt like if I took one more step forward, I might not be able to go back. That really scared me so I took a few steps back and FROZE.

I can't stop thinking about this. It's like this constant, gnawing feeling that I'm sure most of you know about. What's new lately is that the idea of transition seems to be growing more and more 'right' every day. But even allowing myself to think that is really the one more step forward I've been fearing.

Here's my question; I've heard of people suggest that there are alternatives to full transition, but those alternatives are always spoken of in a vague way. Are there any specific ones that any of you have heard of? I know there isn't a *cure* as such, I just wonder what people are alluding to when they vaguely mention these so-called alternatives.

Ella (maybe one day?)

Alternatives to a full transition? Yes, maybe. It depends. I think I've found one that works for me -- but I'm still not absolutely sure it will, and there are people who simply must transition or else.

In my case it was useful to take the gender/sex complex apart and start figuring out which parts were the ones I had problems with. Simply put, I consider myself neither fully male nor fully female, and the current plan is to get to a state where on the one hand I'm comfortable enough with myself and on the other hand close enough to one of the binary genders that I won't be a complete social outcast. There are some extra constraints (I'm very reluctant to go farther than my partner will deal with, for instance), but that's the main idea.

I suspect it might be impossible to not transition if you identify as the opposite of your birth sex both socially and anatomically, but if it's not that clear-cut you may have some room to negotiate with yourself. In that case, the androgyne forum might be a useful resource.

  Nfr

Quote from: Ella~ on May 21, 2008, 11:34:15 PM
I've been stuck in a bad form of limbo since I first came to terms with the fact that I've struggled with my gender identity a year ago. I did see a gender therapist a couple of times last year. I liked her and she was very understanding. But, I started feeling like things were happening too fast for me to process. I felt like if I took one more step forward, I might not be able to go back. That really scared me so I took a few steps back and FROZE.

I can't stop thinking about this. It's like this constant, gnawing feeling that I'm sure most of you know about. What's new lately is that the idea of transition seems to be growing more and more 'right' every day. But even allowing myself to think that is really the one more step forward I've been fearing.

Sorry, but I'm going to not answer your question.

IMO you should resume therapy.  It sounds like you're dealing with fear and self-acceptance issues.  You can usually deal with this kind of fear by taking control of the process, being informed and proceeding at a pace that's right for you.  If a therapist is pushing to do otherwise they are NOT the therapist for you.  That gnawing feeling will not go away until you fully embrace yourself, surrender to your true self.  This may also result in another bout of fear about how others will react.  You must, for possibly the first time in your life, put yourself first and say "->-bleeped-<- them" and just do it.  Your detractors are only concerned with themselves and do not understand the hell you've been going through.

Believe in yourself!

Ditto to resuming therapy.  A good gender therapist should be able to help you work through these issues.  IMO a therapist shouldn't be pushing you into anything, but help you deal with issues surrounding gender identity and possible transition.

Trust me, you are not alone in feeling this way.  Transition is not a path I would have ever chosen for myself.  Putting myself out there for the public to see is terrifying.  But the alternative is a slow continued strangulation and death of my self.  I want to be ME for once in my life.

Jay

Yes, what they said; I really should have spelled it out in my answer as well. Therapy is good, if you have a therapist you can work with (and if you don't, try to find one). The key thing is to get to the bottom of things and see what it all really is about. For now it really doesn't matter whether you'll end up transitioning or not: that comes later.

Know yourself, act on that knowledge, and don't trust those who tell you what to do (myself included  ). It's that complex.

  Nfr

Quote from: Ella~ on May 21, 2008, 11:34:15 PM
I've been stuck in a bad form of limbo since I first came to terms with the fact that I've struggled with my gender identity a year ago.

...

Ella (maybe one day?)

Ella,

I'm a little bit in the same boat. My therapist brought up HRT a few weeks ago and I kind of freaked -- whoa, not ready right now! But she's not pushing anything, I realized, but rather putting forth concrete steps I might take in order to explore that terrain. Right now I'm a little bit at a loss what to do, I guess like you are. I'm really sick of feeling unable to express my gender as I want to, but scared of jumping into transitioning. Well, that's why I'm in therapy.

~Alyssa (ditto)

QuoteI've been stuck in a bad form of limbo since I first came to terms with the fact that I've struggled with my gender identity a year ago. I did see a gender therapist a couple of times last year. I liked her and she was very understanding. But, I started feeling like things were happening too fast for me to process. I felt like if I took one more step forward, I might not be able to go back. That really scared me so I took a few steps back and FROZE.

I can't stop thinking about this. It's like this constant, gnawing feeling that I'm sure most of you know about. What's new lately is that the idea of transition seems to be growing more and more 'right' every day. But even allowing myself to think that is really the one more step forward I've been fearing.

Hi Ella,

Yes I know the feeling well... I'm right there myself. Today... and I mean today only... I think I could live right where I am. But the
way it's worked for me so far is one step leads to the next. And while I think today that I can live right where I am I realize that
I'm just waiting for the courage to take the next step. Because it seems to me that the steps are small as you start out... but then
they get bigger and bigger. And for me at least it's going to take time to get comfortable with each bigger step. But I will
take them I'm sure. I may whine and cry here, I may say that I don't want to move forward but in the end I think I have to.

So I think the alternative is to be patient. And if you reach a point where you can feel OK about your life then maybe
that's all you need to do. Or maybe... you're just like I am... waiting for the courage to take that next huge step.

Amanda

Quote from: Ella~ on May 21, 2008, 11:34:15 PM
Here's my question; I've heard of people suggest that there are alternatives to full transition, but those alternatives are always spoken of in a vague way. Are there any specific ones that any of you have heard of? I know there isn't a *cure* as such, I just wonder what people

I tried a few things. I belonged to an email list dedicated to people trying to NOT transition for a few years... saddest group I've ever belonged to (though the people were wonderful). They told me crossdressing sometimes helped, so I tried it (never had before)... but it only made things WORSE. I felt stupid, like a "man in a dress." I DID go out on a few halloweens and actually managed to pass a few times... but again, it just made things MUCH worse by showing me what I could have had, but never would (or so I thought).

My wife always pointed out to me that people tended to treat me as "just one of the girls" anyway, so why did I have to transition? But again, that just frustrated and embarassed me, as it always felt like my TSism was "showing" somehow, not to mention I seemed to just be confusing everyone. I was never exactly effeminate, so I couldn't figure out what I was "doing" to encourage it... which scared me.

Some people DO find a happy compromise somewhere in-between. But for me... the more I tried, the more I realized I'd never be content with anything less than an ordinary life as Kate, whatever that took. My needs were never complicated... nothing to do with expressing myself, or wanting to wear pretty clothes, or envying female body parts. I simply needed to live as a female.

I "shattered" just over two years ago, realizing what'd I'd been doing all those years... and how I couldn't do it any longer. I took a deep breath, got into therapy, and started the long road home.

~Kate~

Oh my - those were all some very good answers. Thank you.

It's funny...I was really trying to ask the question in a very matter of fact sort of way. But, in re-reading my post I really do come across as someone who is just scared right now. The truth is, I am.

Your answers are both comforting and (yes) scary. Comforting in that it makes me feel better to know other people feel like me, though I'm sorry for you that you have to feel that way at all. Scary because, well, I guess deep down I'm feeling more and more like this isn't going to be a simple thing that is going to fix itself in an easy way.

I have taken little baby steps, but none of them feel like enough, you know? It's like one little taste only leaves me craving more. I just can't take any big steps out of pure fear, and that's my problem. I just don't want to have a breakdown that forces me to do something.

Thanks again. I will think hard about what you all said.

Ella

Quote from: Ella~ on May 22, 2008, 09:58:34 PM
I have taken little baby steps, but none of them feel like enough, you know? It's like one little taste only leaves me craving more. I just can't take any big steps out of pure fear, and that's my problem. I just don't want to have a breakdown that forces me to do something.

I said similar things when I first joined. I later realized that I always knew what I was going to do. It was already too late for me the day I arrived here. Oh I protested and yelled "I can't do this," but I knew I was gonna do it. I had already decided. The next 3,000 posts were just me trying to come to grips with the decision I had made LONG ago.

~Kate~

Quote from: Kate on May 22, 2008, 10:10:33 PM
I said similar things when I first joined. I later realized that I always knew what I was going to do. It was already too late for me the day I arrived here. Oh I protested and yelled "I can't do this," but I knew I was gonna do it. I had already decided. The next 3,000 posts were just me trying to come to grips with the decision I had made LONG ago.

~Kate~

So true!

I may not have posted it all, but I sure felt it.  In my case it didn't take long to face the inevitable and be fine with it.  Now it can't happen fast enough...

Jay, the impatient...   

Quote from: Ella~ on May 22, 2008, 09:58:34 PM
Oh my - those were all some very good answers. Thank you.

It's funny...I was really trying to ask the question in a very matter of fact sort of way. But, in re-reading my post I really do come across as someone who is just scared right now. The truth is, I am.

Your answers are both comforting and (yes) scary. Comforting in that it makes me feel better to know other people feel like me, though I'm sorry for you that you have to feel that way at all. Scary because, well, I guess deep down I'm feeling more and more like this isn't going to be a simple thing that is going to fix itself in an easy way.

I have taken little baby steps, but none of them feel like enough, you know? It's like one little taste only leaves me craving more. I just can't take any big steps out of pure fear, and that's my problem. I just don't want to have a breakdown that forces me to do something.

Thanks again. I will think hard about what you all said.

Ella

Ella,

I can totaly relate to what you have said. I was like that for years. I wanted and tried to stop cross dressing but that feeling was always there gnawing at me. I sometimes think of it as a rock in a shoe. The rock does not change size but it gets depper and depper into the skin, the pain getting worse the longer the rock sits there digging ever deeper and deeper.

I like you wished and wished for another way, but I did not find anything when a expect recomended HRT to me I just knew I would need to try. It took me a long time to come to the reliseation that I needed to try and many nights crying. I had those break downs cause I did not want to transition but in the end they also helped me to accept my fate and move on.

It is supprising how difference HRT has made to my life ad I thinking it is more then mental. The energy it has give me to go out and ride my bike make me think that the body knows it is missing something and that needs to be corrected.

Hang in there, we all know it is hard but somehow we all seam to get through.

Alice

I was so deep in denial that I had been quietly inching toward it for years and years--but without ever admitting to myself what was really going on. By the time I finally admitted it to myself, I had already taken it so far that I was able to skip over the back-and-forth internal debate. Once I came out to myself, I was already primed to start taking steps to living as a woman. I might take a long time to make up my mind about something. But once I do, that's it, I'm in it 100%. No hesitating, no wavering, no going back.

In other words, I skipped going through a conscious debate with myself about it. My unease at the whole idea was so strong it forced it under the surface, where it developed slowly and quietly for a long time. But once I took a conscious look at it, then it was immediately clear what the score was, and no need for further debate. That didn't mean I immediately knew everything that I would do about it. I just knew I seriously had to do something about it. A major change.

Once I'd come out, at first all I knew is that I was trans for certain. There remained to be settled the details of how to proceed. But that I would proceed immediately was not in any doubt. These details can't really be known until you've walked some way along the path. All I knew at first was that I was setting foot on this path, impatient at the beginning to find out where it would lead me. And that I was never turning back. As I trod the path, the way forward opened up soon enough and then I knew the way ahead, it was just a matter of persevering through the ordeal until I reached success.