Quote from: MaggieB on May 23, 2008, 11:57:22 AM
Most of the time, I think of her as my partner.

Apparently, she doesn't.  My ex preferred "friend."

A friend, huh,  might have to be it for me too.

Maggie

don't feel bad Maggie, i am in somewhat of a similar situation as well. of course tho we still sleep in the same bed, neither of us wants that to change. she didnt want to marry a woman either and we live in ohio. here in ohio, i can have all the surgeries i want but they do not recognize srs and refuse to cahnge gender markers on anything, so legally we are still married as husband and wife. i really prefer those terms no matter what myself. imho, i don't see why husband=man with penis and wife=woman with vagina, who said these labels had to be defined this way in the first place. she doesn't identify as a lesbian woman either and i told her she doesn't have to but i do. we both still love each other very much. yeah there are times and places i really don't know what to say but i figure partner is the best bet especially with meeting new people, our sister calls her my husband, but she really doesn't like that, but it doesn't bother me in the least. i think it's cute myself.  you love who you love.....no matter what the label....


Best Wishes,
Warrior Princess,
Mickie

Maggie:

Soon my partner will be moving in with me.  We've discussed what we would call each other.  We are partners and she refers to me as her wife (which I adore).  She is the more dominant of us but we are still equal.  To others we will refer to ourselves as life partners.

And if Illinois passes HB1826 we will get married and we will be spouses.

If you wanted to re-write POSSLQ you could say:
Persons Of Same Sex Saring Living Quarters.

But then it comes out POSSSLQ!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Won't you be my POSSSLQ?

-Sandy(Getting silly)

I understand this question perfectly. I still refer to her as my wife, she simply refers to me as him, although she did do well to call me she the last time we were out and I was dressed female. Like Kate, I still havent removed my wedding band, she did almost immediately and openly tells me that I screwed her life up and she no longer loves me.

She says she is not a lesbian and will never be one. We still sleep together but all romantic or closeness has been removed by her initiation. I kiss her head but recieve nothing back, I still love her and tell he so but she will not. She says she will stay with me through transition but I am having a hard time accepting this the way she acts. She says she wants a bedroon set for her in another room.

It makes me sad that I feel I gave so much of myself, 22yrs and raised her children as my own only to be treated like crap when I need her the most. Im sorry, it just hits home and hurts.

The only thing good is that my understanding of the Illinois law is that even though I transition, unless we divorce legally, it remains a valid marriage. So to me she is still my wife.

Wendy

Sandy,
Congratulations! This is a wonderful development in your seemingly charmed transition. I only wish I could find someone to love me as deeply as I loved Jane.

Wendy,
I can so relate to your situation. My wife still insists that she loves me but behaves like she doesn't. I think she wants to preserve the "marriage" as a marriage of convenience since we both have been though a divorce and it was devastating to all involved. So we will stay together and won't see anyone else. She is so bitter that she won't deal with any man now. In fact, she is now bitter and cynical almost full time. Of course, if I mentioned this to her, she would vehemently deny it. It is so difficult to be with a person for so many hours who doesn't want to be with me.  She has taken to saying I look old a lot. I asked her to stop and also why she says it. She responded with "You need to be brought back to reality, you are old". My joy at finally being free to be me has only inflamed her more. So it is a no win situation. This weekend she is home for three days. I so look forward to Tuesday. I admit, I don't want to be here.

Mickie,
Thanks for the encouragement.  I wish my wife would want to sleep with me again. She says she would but since she doesn't really show me any meaningful affection, I wonder seriously if that is just a ruse to get along. I am a trusting person and not devious in any way. I tell the truth and don't lie. She on the other hand does put on a face and tells me that is how she survives at work. I simply couldn't to that. She has a stoic personality so it is almost impossible to read her emotions.

This morning, I am really tired of trying to find ways to make her feel better about my trans status. She spurns everything I come up with. All she says she wants is for me to go deep stealth and leave every trans contact behind, including this forum. I could do this as I pass now but my trans friends are the only friends I have and I can't imagine leaving. You all are my lifeline and a voice of reason in an insane world.

Quote from: MaggieB on May 23, 2008, 02:15:39 PM
A friend, huh,  might have to be it for me too.

I tried that once. It didn't go over well at ALL, lol, "What? I'm just a FRIEND to you now? That's ALL?"

I think the relationship has to find it's own way. In time, the label and appropriate "concept" will show itself. In the meantime, we all struggle and "test" and experiment to find something that works.

Although, I suspect in my case the difficulty in finding an appropriate label simply reflects the fact that a romantic/intimate relationship just isn't THERE. We aren't trying to figure out who we are NOW, so much as realizing how it's ALWAYS been between us. My wife often says, "it's not that I lost my husband that's so hard, it's looking back over the years now at how we've been together and realizing that I never HAD one."

~Kate~

"Maiden aunts" >

friends, housemates

Posted on: May 24, 2008, 01:16:26 PM

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Quote from: Princess Mickie on May 23, 2008, 05:17:29 PM
i don't see why husband=man with penis and wife=woman with vagina, who said these labels had to be defined this way in the first place.

I think that is the accepted form in English-speaking countries. In Germany and Austria and parts of Switzerland and in parts of other European countries in eastern Europe, you would be "Herr" and she would be "Frau."

I don't think there was a "who" unless tradition and social custom can be blamed.

Most butch-type lesbians I know don't particularly like that term "husband." It's a "male" term and they definitely do not identify with "male." Now I know it is often used by some gay men in their committed contexts, as is "wife."

Most of my lesbian-couple friends use wife for both.

Nichole

Quote from: Nichole on May 24, 2008, 01:49:44 PM
I think that is the accepted form in English-speaking countries. In Germany and Austria and parts of Switzerland and in parts of other European countries in eastern Europe, you would be "Herr" and she would be "Frau."

I think in English these terms can be switched much more easily than in Germany and Austria (where I'm from) husband is called "Ehemann" (which is just the word for "marriage" + the word for "man") and  wife is "Ehefrau" (which is "marriage" + "woman") and in everyday language it's even just "Mann" and "Frau".
I have never really heard these terms switched if it wasn't to ridicule sombody or at lest self-ironic. I think stuff like that is way easier in English and I sometimes really envy the fact that your grammar isn't gendered...

(@ Nichole: "Herr" is rather used as "Mr." or "gentleman", by the way)

You are correct. "Mann" is husband. *smile* Long time away from Germany.