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Gaydar (a portmanteau of gay and radar) is a slang term for the supposed ability to detect if another person is gay, bisexual or otherwise not heterosexual.

from the wikipedia article.

Several recent threads and my own past experiences have led me to start this thread.

Ever since hearing the term 'gaydar', I've been wondering why I seem to vibe as gay to other gays.  I've gotten used to occasionally having to say, "No, thanks, sorry, I'm not gay."  But I always wondered what it was about me that led someone to assume I was also gay.  What about me was setting off their gaydar?

Well, my wondering has changed a bit.  Now I'm wondering if it's not so much 'gay' in gaydar as it is being other-than-straight, and if being transgendered/transsexual 'pings' pretty much the same?

Has anybody else had similar experiences?

Karen

Haz, you wrote, "But I always wondered what it was about me that led someone to assume I was also gay.  What about me was setting off their gaydar?"

I suspect it was the normal confusion that ignorant people have regarding the difference between a physical male's expression of femininity and sexual orientation.  I notice that I have become more sensitive to those who are "other than straight" simply because I can more clearly recognize the evidence within myself.

helen

I've heard a lot of FtM's say they get read as gay men as well. I haven't noticed me being read as gay, but I could see it happen. Oh, except in San Francisco, but I was in the Castro at the time, so I figure any guy there is going to be assumed to be gay until proven otherwise.

I wouldn't say it pings the same necessarily because part of gay men's gaydar is noticing where a guy is looking, and how he's looking at other guys. Although I wonder if some FtM's who are just observing to learn are taken to be cruising.

But many gay men do not present traditionally masculinely and it probably is our variation from the straight masculine guy that causes some blips on the gaydar screen. I've seen the same happen to some straight British guys in Canada because they don't have that over-the-top masculinity that seems to be required in North America.

Dennis

Before I even started transitioning (and I was still partly in denial), I showed up on 3 separate gaydars.  For 2 of them when my wife explained I was trans, their reaction was "Oh, now that makes sense".

Melissa

While I was circling the blocks near the support group meeting place looking for a place to park (and realizing just how popular the neighborhood was on Saturday night,) I spotted a co-worker I'd known some years before, coming out of a very popular restaurant that caters to GLBT clientele.  The way he was dressed and the company he was keeping pretty much confirmed what I'd suspected years before.

I also recalled that back then he'd acted a bit strange around me, and suspected (to myself, of course,) that he was sending out pings to see if I answered.  I didn't, but that was yet another incident that had me wondering...

Karen

I think depending on where you are, what sort of cultural diversity etc, there is something to 'other than straight'; In North Carolina (this is all hidden, ever see the film Blue Velvet?) I was ALWAYS having to explain, 'I don't swing that way, sailor'; In the Castro, NOT SO MUCH. (Except admiration/envy for the hair or the nails, lol; NB: I did not dress then)
A founding member of The Cockettes, for a good example, when introduced to me was ebullient and shared so much of her history, and later wanted to be roommates, and everything, this person could sense I was trans (long before i was comfy with it) it is now apparent to me.

I've never been hit on by a gay man (though my best friend many years ago occasionally asked me if I wanted to make our relationship sexual). It's almost insulting, lol, as I live in a *very* gay town, and even my therapist and wife tell me they're surprised people don't think I'm gay. But... I get nuttin'.

I also rarely get a sexual "vibes" from women either. Oh sure, they'll TALK to me, best pals ever... but attracted? Flirted with? Doesn't happen.

I must be hideous.

"Gaydar"?  I never heard of that before.  Now I have heard the term, gotten a definition.  They have a "term" for everything anymore, don't they.

Sarah

Quote from: Sarah Louise on April 17, 2006, 12:02:52 PM
"Gaydar"?  I never heard of that before.  Now I have heard the term, gotten a definition.  They have a "term" for everything anymore, don't they.

Sarah

Do a search on this message board for Gaydar.  It's been used quite a bit before.  In fact, I learned it on this board.

As for a trans-dar, I have heard many people saying this one is usually difficult, but mine seems quite good.  When I see a trans person, I feel kind of a jolt and realize immediately they are trans.  I don't say anything because I know I wouldn't want somebody saying anything to me.

Melissa

I don't know about the gaydar thing but I am a bio female and I havent started transition to be a male yet but I always get hit on by straight women who think I am male.  I can pass as a male but I still have feminine characteristics.  But when They find out I am really a girl that doesn't ruin the deal for them.  I have had three girlfriends in my life (i am 22yrs old) I they all were straight and knew before hand that I was female.  But they still fell "inlove" with me.  They all say they weren't attracted to women but there was something about me that made them fall in love with me.  But I have never been hit on my men gay or not.  I'm sorry if this has nothing to do with the subject. 

This is sort of a funny topic for me. I have been wearing skirts and dresses for years, though presenting mainly as a male. And in all those years, not one person, friend or otherwise has asked me if I am gay. When I came out to a few friends, they were taken aback by the possibility that I might be sort of gay, or bisexual, or whatever it is that I am. And when I would ask them point blank if they had ever suspected, the answer thus far has always been, no. And the funny is, I always assumed that everyone must have thought I was gay, but just wouldn't say anything, and secretly I wished I would show up on gaydar.

Karen, you might have a point, with the gaydar being something that is picking up on something other than the typical hetero. Especially if the trans person is closeted, all sorts of signals would be visible and could be hard to read, if presenting in a fashion opposed to your true nature.

That reminds me of something a friend said once about "making yourself available." I have found that my worries and confusion over my gender and sexuality probably did make me look more like a machine than a sexual being, because I would exert energy concealing my true nature, hiding the fact that I might be a gay guy who liked being feminine. Maybe just gay is okay. Maybe being a hetero crossdresser was okay. But not both. And hence, I am sure all my body language said that I was not available, to anyone. So put on that party dress and make yourself available. Rebel rebel your hair is a mess. Rebel rebel how could they know, I love you so!




Posted at: April 18, 2006, 05:18:43 AM

---

I can't thank you all enough for being here and being yourselves. I have opened up so much and found a new lease on life, if you will forgive a tired cliche.

I don't know if it was because of this topics, or just getting involved here at Susan's, but I've been taking more steps to finding peace with my own unique identity more and more. And today, I decided to contact a former, sort of, co-worker, who is gay, and just try to seek some advice from him.

As it relates to the gaydar thing, when I told him that I had "sort of come out" to some of my hetero friends and they had no idea that I was or could be gay, he responded, "I knew. I always knew. You just never made it an issue or made it seem like something you wanted to discuss, so I didn't either."

So apparently they may be more to my theory about making yourself available and your intention clear, than I thought. At least I now know I am not necessarily hideous or invisible to the evil gaydar machine!

Regarding the Space Villian comment, I would like to say more, but I fear that my response may violate the terms and conditions of using this site.

And lastly I would love to see your hell raising Yunie outfit. I assume Yunie is some anime character? That was my last costume idea for halloween was to create a new (e.g. fake) anime character and design the whole costume from scratch. Unfortunately I had to work the entire week of halloween and it seemed silly to exert that kind of time, energy, and money on something I would wear to maybe the end of one party.

Merry day.

Yeah, I think gaydar is just for dececting non-straight people.  I have no idea what sets it off, but my gaydar is apparently quite good.  It's kind of the same thing as Melissa mentioned, this "zing" or jolt when encountering someone who wasn't straight.  It must be something in body language because often it happens even before they speak.

I definitely have "gaydar" for trans or other non-straight people. I've previously met a couple of people in situations where it wasn't cool to say anything, but we both knew immediately and said let's get together sometime to talk.

Seth

Before my epiphany I used to dread the possibility that I might be setting off anyone's gaydar. I'm quite feminine which was difficult to hide. Of course now that I know what I am I know that I'm not straight after all.

I have to wonder if bio women pick up on my orientation now though. I've gotten a few looks that seemed to be interest or curiosity from women who just gave off a vibe that suggested bi or lesbian to me.

Personally, my gaydar is 50% intuition and 50% looking for certain traits about a person, mostly based on stereotypes, and is actually more accurate with men than women.

It's a lot more difficult these days though, with the number of straight men who are more concerned with their appearence, a trait which used to be thought of as a gay stereotype.

I think though that some people do have a strong gaydar, and others less, it goes mostly with life experience

The life experience thing, yeah, for sure.  My mom had a lot of gay and lesbian friends when I was growing up and I think I developed gaydar before I really know what being gay was.

Mine's also more reliable for men...  I think it just comes from the fact that women are allowed greater freedom in their gender expression than men are - with women I almost have to see them eyeing someone before it goes off, though it will buzz and crackle beforehand, I just can't be as sure.

I know that I have been "pinged" on at least two people's gaydar.  My return echo indicated that I wasn't gay but ... something else.

Chaunte

(Thanks, Tink  )

A couple-three times ago at the Mercantile Saloon, I got into a conversation with a self-admitted dyke who is friends with a few trans-girls.  Somehow the subject of gaydar came up and I asked her if trans people set off gaydar

Her answer was "Yup!"

Not scientific, but another piece of data for this thread...

Karen

(Weekends are just too damn short anymore!)

Quote from: Karen on September 23, 2006, 12:52:32 AMSomehow the subject of gaydar came up and I asked her if trans people set off gaydar

Her answer was "Yup!"

Would that be pre transition or in our preferred mode? Please tell me it's the latter.

Quote from: umop ap!sdn on September 23, 2006, 01:57:07 AM
Would that be pre transition or in our preferred mode? Please tell me it's the latter.

awk* -- er, pre-transition.  As Mikko and a few others have pointed out, it seems to be more of a non-straight detecting system, leaving the one whose 'spider sense is tingling' to still make the determination what flavour of non-straight we are.

Before, when I was desperately trying to convince myself and everybody else I was male, somebody who I'd set off their gaydar would likely leap to the conclusion I'm a gay male, which was quite discomfiting to me.  Now, my external cues say "garden variety ->-bleeped-<-", and they shrug their shoulders and go on about their business (a change I welcome, by the way...)

Now that I'm paying attention, I'm finding I have my own gaydar.  I was in a favourite Mongolian Barbecue restaurant last week, and knew the guy ahead of me in line was gay.  Something about his mannerisms just made me 'pick up' on him, and his over-stylized dress (too-starched-and-pressed plaid workshirt, jeans with symmetrical holes 'worn' into the pockets, and other too-careful detailing,) provided the +aha+.  He got his order cooked, and went over to join his date (similarly dressed.)

Karen