Ok, so I am having some problems I want to get out in the open. When I was younger, I was VERY emotional, it took very little, and the waterworks were going. But, nowadays, I feel dead cold emotionless. I can't cry (only a few tears at most, or it takes an emotional breakdown), and I have to react how I feel would be appropriate to others when they come to me with problems. Otherwise, I can be extremely cold if I want to. But these emotions like "Oh, I'm so sorry" or "I'm so excited for you!" shouldn't be forced, they should come from the heart. I feel fake everyday for all of this, and it bothers me to no end. I also feel like I am being walked over by members of the female gender. I want to argue back, but then I am afraid of getting hit with "Oh, men!" responses. So, I don't stand up for myself, unless it is around other guys. These days, I can laugh, I've gotten good at it, and it can be sincere. But, it seems like the only emotion I can really "feel" is flat out anger/rage.

Does anybody have any advice or understanding of what I am going through at the moment?

Are you on HRT yet? How were you raised to 'think' you should handle emotions? How do you feel about 'allowing' emotions. I don't think you've given us enough raw material yet, FR.

Nichole

No, I'm not on HRT. After T levels stabilized with puberty, I became colder emotionally. I feel like I should be allowed to display emotion, but whenever I cried when I was younger, my SOs would try and calm me down instead of letting it pass. But, I still cried. I think "Men shouldn't cry." is stuck in my mind sometimes, I feel embarrassed to cry even in private, when no one is around. And in general, I just don't feel anything emotionally towards anything, except for the occasional undying need to cry, but the tears won't ever come. And, I have some bitterness towards people when things are going right for them, and I act happy, but I can really bitter. I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment, I hope this is enough to go by Nichole.

No, not enough data for anything conclusive, but it does ring a few bells. In my case, repressing feelings started some time at school, as a defence mechanism against being teased. I did that partly on purpose, partly unconsciously; but knowing it was something I did to myself was a good start in undoing it some thirty years later. I'm slowly recovering now, but pretty often it's still hard to show my feelings even to myself.

And yes, the 'you say that only because you are a man' argument hurts, sometimes very much (as in, cry in the back seat of a taxi all the way home). It helps to think a couple of possible replies in advance, such as 'how do you know I am one' or 'does that mean you are saying what you are only because you are a woman'.

 Nfr

I have emotions that randomly turn on and off. I do not like the feeling of emotions so I ignore them. I never feel guilt, embarrassment, empathy, sympathy or connection with other people. Life is much calmer that way.

It rings a lot of bells for me too. I think in my case I shutdown all my emotions around 12 as a
way to survive. Prior to that I would cry at anything and after some tramatic things (a bad
reaction after coming out to my mom, suicide attempt, etc) I stopped showing any kind of emotions. I did not cry,
I did not laugh, I did not get angry. I had total control of my emotions. I had to really, everyone would have seen all
the girl stuff... lol... come out. I got really bad in my twenties, my girlfriend (now wife) called me the Ice Princess for
a long time. Don't get me wrong I was sad and happy like everyone but I just could not show it. Because if I was
sad I could cry like any female and when I was happy I could giggle hysterically. But coming from a man that was not good.

And that lasted till I was around 30 and I started to be a bit more of myself. Starting HRT was magical for me. I felt for the first time... I mean deep feelings for the first time in a long time.

I actually realized yesterday that I when I get drunk I tend to be more myself, I giggle, I cry easily, I'm
much more talkative, I show the true me. I think that may be why I have always controlled my drinking...
to keep the real me hidden.

Amanda

Quote from: findingreason on May 25, 2008, 12:21:06 PM
No, I'm not on HRT. After T levels stabilized with puberty, I became colder emotionally. I feel like I should be allowed to display emotion, but whenever I cried when I was younger, my SOs would try and calm me down instead of letting it pass. But, I still cried. I think "Men shouldn't cry." is stuck in my mind sometimes, I feel embarrassed to cry even in private, when no one is around. And in general, I just don't feel anything emotionally towards anything, except for the occasional undying need to cry, but the tears won't ever come. And, I have some bitterness towards people when things are going right for them, and I act happy, but I can really bitter. I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment, I hope this is enough to go by Nichole.

Perhaps everyone is different in why they cry but I strongly believe that our conditioning as children have a lot to do with how we express our emotions. I was taught as a child that "boys do not cry" even to the point when you hurt yourself, you were still told "your're ok, be brave, big boys dont cry".  And conversly I watched my female cousins, classmates and friends that were female always being told "Aw Sweetie or Honey, its ok, you go ahead and cry, everything will be alright"

The only times I ever until my transition allowed myself to express my emotions was at funerals or on occasions I would wet my eyes a little at a wedding for family members. And that was in joy for the bride for I more strongly identified as her. I also seemed to develope the ability to be aloof and to hold most emotions at bay.

From what I have read it has not really been established that the HRT has anything to do with emotions. I tend to lean toward the idea that it does. As an example look at  PMS or post menopausal conditions. For myself, It wasnt until my last breakdown prior to starting my transition when I finally allowed myself the luxury of just bawling my eyes out. Since then and now that I am on HRT I find myself much more emotional and express myself much easier in all emotional ranges even to the point of being downright "bitchy" at times. 

I dont know if that helps but I think you may find that once you allow yourself to surrender fully to your feelings you  will see a change. Thats just my opinion and I hope it helps you on your journey.

Wendy

I also repressed my feelings for years. I think this had less to do with being male, and more as a defense mechanism, a way of avoiding feeling the pain of who I was/wasn't. Even now, I feel plenty of emotion, but it isn't always easy to sort out what my feelings actually are. As a kid I cried very easily and was often teased for being a sissy, so then I'd cry even more.  Sometimes, when I've felt deeply emotional, I'd laugh, almost uncontrollably, instead of crying.

Good thread... although not very fun to answer. 

Zythyra

I heard the boys don't cry thing too and I tried very hard all my life to hide my emotions but failed miserably. I was and am as open as a book. It got me into tons of trouble and I was cut up a lot emotionally because I react immediately.  I have always been hyper sensitive so developing a hide just wasn't possible. I envy those who can do it. Feeling things so intensely is exhausting. After HRT, I can cry almost at will. Not too neat in social situations when I cry at emotional times. When we watch movies, I'm the lone person who is balling her eyes out and the stoic women in my house just look at me. I seem like a blubbering idiot to them. If I had a choice, I might just go for an unfeeling life!

Maggie

I find that I really have to force emotions too...it's been like that for a very long time, and it sometimes scares me to see my self being so cold.

I got to a point in my life where I could ignore everything. Physical pain took no more effort than emotions. I'm still very afraid of being hurt physically, but when it happens, I can shut it out. I guess that's convenient.

There are times when I let down my defenses. Like when I know I'm all alone. If I'm with somebody, I can't show emotions. If I think someone might see me, I can't show emotions. That's even if I'm in a field, two hundred and fifty-seven miles from civilisation, I can't. It's only when I'm alone in a room with myself and no one else in the house.

I am really afraid of embarassing myself. So I have erected barricades to keep emotions in and people out.

I don't know if it's boys-don't-cry syndrome.

I wish I could just let it all go in that open field, but there's always the fear of someone watching, and that's enough to shut it away.


~Moi

Yes, I believe you have.

A strong combination of conditioning that is hard for anyone to overcome. The sneaking feeling you are 'doing something wrong' when showing emotion and a lack of 'chemical' assistance with estrogen and testosterone suppressants.

I'd suggest that after six months of hrt you may find it easier to break through your conditioning and begin to express more freely what you feel. Just a guess though. All women are definitely not emotional or even much in-tune with their emotional abilities. You may well be one, dear.

I'd say you just need to continue to winnow yourself to discover what you are comfortable with and what you are not. If you don't fit a stereotype or a 'most of' well, I wouldn't stress much about it. IMO, it's much more important you discover that you can have a comfort with yourself -- regardless that fits my comfort with myself or not. 

Best,

Nichole

Quote from: Nichole on May 25, 2008, 04:49:20 PM
Yes, I believe you have.

A strong combination of conditioning that is hard for anyone to overcome. The sneaking feeling you are 'doing something wrong' when showing emotion and a lack of 'chemical' assistance with estrogen and testosterone suppressants.

I'd suggest that after six months of hrt you may find it easier to break through your conditioning and begin to express more freely what you feel. Just a guess though. All women are definitely not emotional or even much in-tune with their emotional abilities. You may well be one, dear.

I'd say you just need to continue to winnow yourself to discover what you are comfortable with and what you are not. If you don't fit a stereotype or a 'most of' well, I wouldn't stress much about it. IMO, it's much more important you discover that you can have a comfort with yourself -- regardless that fits my comfort with myself or not. 

I want to second what Nichole said.  I was raised in a very emotionally distant home.  I learned pretty early on to box that stuff away.  And even more so after the world started going wonky on me at about 12.  At various times over the years I found it incredibly frustrating, the only emotions (besides the frustration) I seemed to have were anger and once in a great while a fleeting moment of happiness.  After coming out to myself there was some improvement and there was more improvement with HRT.  But I also feel a good chunk of the improvement was from the continuing process of dismantling those old defenses.  I'm post-op and that process is still in progress.  So have patience, these things take time.

Quote from: findingreason on May 25, 2008, 12:10:05 PM
But, it seems like the only emotion I can really "feel" is flat out anger/rage.

Yes, I feel the same many times. It is like "nothing" can set me off, and anyone that knows me knows that
this is not like me. I am having to actively work at being a human being at times, and I hate it
I'm not on HRT but am taking some "herbs" and I suspect that these have something to do with
me being way emotional lately.

Hrt will solve that problem. Believe me.

I was the same way for years and years. Couldn't or wouldn't cry. Happiness was far and few in between forced laughs and an occasional chuckle.

Hatred and lashing out were the only two that were heart felt and common emotions I could must up. There was lots of love and I could squeeze out a tear or two in a really sad movie. I felt like I was crying on the inside, loving on the inside, and things just seemed trapped. It was like an invisible barrier under my skin that blocked anything from bleeding through.

Now on HRT, the waterworks open up and crying is no longer a problem. I laugh much easier now as well.

Quote from: findingreason on May 25, 2008, 12:10:05 PM
Does anybody have any advice or understanding of what I am going through at the moment?

I sense tremendous pain in you, that you are unwilling to allow out for fear that you cannot control it.  I know the prospect is frightening, but can you begin to tell me about the hurt in you?  Letting it slowly out is the only way you are going to be able to feel again.  Send me a private message, and we can talk.

Lisbeth

Quote from: lisagurl on May 25, 2008, 01:12:35 PM
I have emotions that randomly turn on and off. I do not like the feeling of emotions so I ignore them. I never feel guilt, embarrassment, empathy, sympathy or connection with other people. Life is much calmer that way.

but then, We Are Borg

Hi Finding,

I just thought I'd chime in and say you're not alone.  I experience things quite similar to what you're describing, not exactly the same, but close enough.

My friends often think of me as cold and callous because of how indifferent and downright apathetic I can be.

I don't actually feel like that, but I find myself acting the part.  So much so that the feelings and emotions don't surface and I'm often afraid that I'm incapable of having emotions at all.

I have not started HRT yet, and while many people have said that it will help.  I think it's something that I need to work on myself and that HRT will only be an aide (albeit an extremely helpful one). I don't know if I can count on the miracles of HRT to do everything for me.  I think it's a process in which I (and hopefully you too) will gradually accept that it's healthy to have a full range of emotions and feelings, and to accept ourselves as emotional beings.

That being said, I hope you the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to who's going through the same paces as you, just send me a PM. ^_^

-Floating

As I've gotten older, I became less emotional. Although there are a few times I've cried a river recently, such as the ending of Full Metal Alchemist or my grandfather's death. Also, when I think about my situation, I do become more agitated or angry. And sometimes, I feel like crying, but nothing comes out. I think we all have more control over our emotions as we get older. But then again, I don't really know.

I guess all I can really say is that you aren't alone.

Great topic!

As a child I was very sensitive but as I was socialised into manhood I learned to bury those emotions away, deep inside myself.  It was very long term denial and I was able to do it from puberty till well into middle-life.  Substance use was the way I dealt with unpleasant feelings.  First  with pot then alcohol.  More powerful drugs came later. 

AlwaysAmanda mentioned that her emotions came out under alcohol.  Not for me.  Drink and drugs were all about anaesthetising the pain of living, of living a lie.  Eventually it all began to fall apart.  The emotions were spilling over the dam and cracks began to appear in its wall.  First came the anger.  I managed to drive most of my friends and family away from me.  Even the strongest of pain killers couldn't keep the emotional pain at bay.  I'd been depressed for years already.  It became deeper.  I cried a lot.  Finally, life became unbearable....

Somehow, I survived.  Part of my healing process was learning to experience and express the full range of emotions, both good and bad.  Was HRT responsible for my recovery?  I think Wellbutrin and therapy had more to do with it.  Coming out and transitioning completed the process.

It occurred to me while I was reading this thread that a lot of us seem to have buried emotions.  Like AlwaysAmanda stated alcohol 'always let me be me', but then again only alcohol lowers ones inhabitation.  I wonder burying emotions is part of being transsexual.  We all have been or are afraid to allow our true selves out, so we bury all emotion until only the rage at our own fear is left.  I know that, myself, I can have a violent temper with a short fuse.   >
But now that I have begun to express my true self, I seem to be happier.  Maybe not content yet, but it will come I feel when I can go full time.  Which I cannot just yet. But I am shooting for 24/7-40.

,
Janet