I am 56 years old and I see myself as a middle-aged woman.  My breaking point came after I knew that I was not supposed to be a boy at age five.  It was solidified when I was 9 years old and knew that I should have been the girl standing in-line in front of me in the fourth grade.  It stayed internalized, suppressed for 42 years, until I was 51.  that was in 2002.

I tried to touch my dream after I left the military in 1974 but back then such things were considered reason for a good beating or ostracism by the neighbors.  I wore some feminine attire a few times when my first ex wasn't home but that was not the pleasure or the fullness of experience that I sought.

It was in 1995 that I got my first computer and began to earnestly research all that I could about transgender, from scholarly works to the chick-with-a-dick porno.  Eventually I found truth and people who helped guide me. 

In 1998 I divorced for the second time but I was still afraid to buy my own truth instead of the world's un-truth so I married the third time in 2000.  That lasted nine months.  After that encounter I knew that I was to follow my heart and be the woman that I was born to be. I was sure and I told my psychiatrist who sent me to a gender therapist.  92 days after meeting the gender therapist I began HRT and I ain't looked back!

I did not want to transition but if that is what they call the process by which I could change my body to become congruent with my mind, then I decided to transition.  I also think of it as embracing the woman who has always been inside of me and becoming the best "her" that I could be.

From the first meeting with my gender therapist I saw my transsexuality as a gift given to me by my Creator.  Others may see this differently and I honor that so please honor my right to see it differently.  I believe that I am, as in some Native American beliefs, two-spirited, able to comfortably work with both genders to bring help and healing.

So my breaking point had been a long time in happening.  It was more like little pieces of the edifice of lies that I bought into were falling off and exposing the hollowness of my life.

I have always found life to be rather pleasant, even when marriages and debts were killing me.  I always found something positive, be it my evening classes, my work, lunch with friends, a trip to another city, whatever I could squeeze fun from, I did.

Now I don't need to look for the wonderment in each day.  It is there when I open my eyes in the morning.  To borrow from Harry Chapin's Sequel, "...I finally like myself.  At last, I like myself."

I acknowledged who I really was one night in March 2002, in Susan's Transgender Chatroom.  I had been lurking for months and I finally got up the nerve to sign-in.  I asked to speak and was encouraged to do so.  After 2-1/2 hours my old self faded into the back and the woman I always was began to take her first tentative steps.  Cindy was in the chatroom to help draw me out.  We have been together ever since, and will be forever.

Wing Walker
Flying Continuously Since 2002

Wing Walker, you just summed up my experience as well.  Amazing how so many of our stories are similar.  I joined Susan's 2 months ago and here I am.

Jay

I am at my breaking point.  I have had two major surgeries,  two strokes, and I am now alone.  My wife and I are separated over my GID.  I don't want to die as a male.

But I fear 'them' and why they will think, but I have done that all my life.  And that is why 'he' is still here.  I HAVE to transition,  but I over analyze everything.  And I think that is a major drawback.

I have to say that my 'heroines' here have to be Kate, Nicole and Amanda.  You three ladies have given me more insight to myself then anything I have read.  I have always felt that I would be seen by "them" as a Guy In Drag ( that is why I hate 'GID' ). 

I am going in for a makeover with a lady here in Portland.  She is well recommended and has extensive knowledge of our special needs.  Wish me luck. It maybe the kick in the butt I need.

I know that some of you will say that I cannot let 'Them' run my life, but I still have that fear.

I wish I looked as good as you ladies in this thread.  And that includes Jennifer.

Sorry for the rambling.

,
Janet

You'll always have us Janet... please don't forget that. I know I tend to forget that too.
I'm really sorry to hear about your problems. If there was a magic wand I could wave to make them all go away
I would... that goes for all of you.

And I'm honored Janet that you would include me in a list with Kate and Nichole... (my guiding lights) but all I do is share
things I've thought or that I'm thinking about... about my experiences.... it's not special insight... it's just a glimpse into my
world. I'm so happy it helps someone.

QuoteI am going in for a makeover with a lady here in Portland.  She is well recommended and has extensive knowledge of our special needs.  Wish me luck. It maybe the kick in the butt I need.

Janet... you have heard this before but I'm sure you need to hear it again. None of us can see what others see... I think
for most of us just starting out we see the guy still. As Meghan says I'm not full time, I'm not even part time yet... lol...
and I look at myself in the mirror every morning, with no makeup and wonder how I will ever get there. But then I post
pictures of myself with makeup on to hotornot and thousands of obviously blind guys rate me as a 9.2. I don't get it. I
hope someday I do.

But you will have a great time with your makeover... and it will change your life.

I think I've posted about this before, but after mine I was so stunned at how female I looked. I had worn makeup many times
before but like anything the more you do it the better you become. And the special lady that did my makeover was an artist.
I know it sounds lame but I had to touch my face to make sure it was really me in the mirror. It was a moving and very
emotional experience and I had not even considered that I might react that way.  I would plan your makeover for very early
in the day... the hardest part for me was going back to guy mode. I cherished every second and the day flew by.  And when
it came time for the day to end... I spent another hour just staring at a face I've never known, unable to force myself to
remove the makeup. I just stared at the face that looks so right to me... so feminine... the one I saw in my mind all those
years. And then as I removed the makeup I cried like a baby. I looked at Amanda in the mirror and I promised her that her
time was coming.

I hope you will share your makeover experience with us.

Amanda