Quote from: Lori on May 26, 2008, 07:44:12 AM
Hrt will solve that problem. Believe me.

I hear ya. I got alot more emotional after recent HRT. Just thinking of old times makes me teary eyed nowadays. I cry for dumb things. I didn't even cry when my dogs died a few years back, which itself, kind of hurts. 

You know?  I've read through all of these posts that say HRT is the answer for not being able to express or feel emotions, and that causes me some concern.  Yes, estrogen tends to produce swings of emotion; it can deepen depression, and has been blamed for so-called "hysterical"^* behavior.  But I have to wonder.  In a person who is trying to supress their emotions for whatever reason, estrogen may make it harder to do that.  They may then let go in an uncontrolled fashion at unpredictable moments.  Will this make the person feel any better about themselves?  And for a person who has sublimated sadness into "flat out anger/rage," is it likely to be released in a helpful way?  So, I worry when people say, "Hrt will solve that problem."  Personally, findingreason, I think therapy to uncover all the reasons you are supressing your emotions and to help find positive outlets for them would be more appropriate than just assuming the problem will fix itself.

Lisbeth

^* "Hysteria" (from Greek hystere: uterus) was once thought to be caused by the uterus getting out of control and taking over the body.

Liz's postings here are very perceptive and true, at least imho.

HRT is never an entire and complete answer. Self-discovery and working with one's own blockages is a much more healthful and successful fashion of dealing with it.

The HRT may be, like an anti-depressant, one tool in the toolbox toward finding one's self and expressing one's self. But, it is no panacea. In this regard I think our social and cultural, our personal, conditioning is a much greater and more stubborn factor to work through.

I would wish that all of my crap had been 'taken care of' by estrogen. But it wasn't and cannot be the answer. Anymore than testosterone is the answer for the 'denial' of emotional response and feelings. All of this comes from elsewhere, not from hormones.

Men are just as capable of expressing emotion and feeling in healthy and non-threatening ways as are women. The social imperative is that they don't. The real work is gonna be through breaking down those barriers to one's emotional expression as a number of us have said.

Nichole

I wonder how much of your emotional response is tied to denial. I know that once I started to accept
my life it was easier for me to let those female type emotions out.

And it's not a conscious thought... "I need to suppress these emotions". I guess it may have been
when I was 12. But later it becomes instinct. It's a survival thing... a way to survive as a male... you just
cannot go though life as a male with female emotions so you learn at a very young age to hide, suppress and
deny those emotions. Pretty soon it becomes part of your  personality.

Regarding HRT... my thinking has changed a few times about this. At first I thought that HRT
was really affecting a lot of things. But lately I think maybe we tie too much of the emotional changes
of transition to HRT. I think that maybe I'm just more comfortable with myself as a female since I started
HRT. Not becuase of the HRT but becuase I've made the choice to move forward. Some of it is real but
the whole process of transition is so life changing... and for me I feel so good. I can't help but be
happy. Is it HRT or just the fact I'm moving forward? I guess I don't have that answer.

Amanda

Not showing emotions is not always a male / female thing (my brother and sister never showed emotions either).  In my case it was a combination of things; chemical reactions always sent me into a very deep depression if I allowed myself to feel an emotion; family situation taught me it was dangerous to express any emotion; and deep emotional scars kept me from expressing emotions.

Taking HRT or transitioning could not change any of those issues, however, I do find my self feeling emotions much more than I used to (they are just not always shown outwardly).  The one emotion I can not hide anymore is tears, I cry when I never did before.

Sarah L.

Oh wow, I knew there would be some replies, but not this many.

Thank you soooo much!

I've been thinking, and wandering this thread without logging in as I didn't have time to post (and risk of SO seeing me and not being able to get off fast enough). I don't really know, I can express emotion fine as far as it goes, but not ever in the way 'I' want to. I've opened up emotionally in the past several months, rather slowly. I know I was teased when I was a pre-teen/early teen, though I don't believe that had anything to do with gender (the kids were just freaking a**holes).

I've been gloomy the past few days as well, trying to subdue any happier moments I may have. Add a giant tsunami of doubt being produced by thoughts of "I am happy as a male", and low levels of energy, I am swamped completely. I noticed something though. It was around the same time last month I was nailed with a similar wave, but it subsided, quite slowly though.

Lately, I have also been wondering again if I am male, just misleading myself. But then as I stated in my first thread, I had conflicting feelings in my pre-teens/when puberty started.

I know I need to see a therapist, but my earliest time is this fall, so I got to live it out until then. I also know I am depressed (I don't know if I realize the full extent of it either), and I shouldn't decide anything at this time, or make anything of it, as I know depression distorts perspective. I just want to be happy, but I keep myself from being happy, as I don't know who I am yet.

I still am cloudy in my thoughts right now, so please bear with me, I am rather tired of it all lately.

If you had cancer, would you wait until fall to seek treatment?

I wouldn't wait with cancer, but I have reasons why I can't. Primarily, I NEED to be moved out from my SOs, as my mother is closed minded, doesn't believe in TSism, and will likely kick me out, and I'd be done for if that happened right now. I'm not suicidal either, so I can live out a few months. Sometimes waiting is wiser, and in my current situation, I'd definitely be wise to wait a little longer, cause if I don't wait, it could be very bad for me (living on the streets, for instance). So, I am waiting for my own sake right now. As soon as I started facing this a few months ago, I made a plan and I am sticking to it, even though I am going through some ups and downs lately. But, I know each up and down will pass with time.

Quote from: findingreason on May 27, 2008, 09:17:19 PM
I wouldn't wait with cancer, but I have reasons why I can't. Primarily, I NEED to be moved out from my SOs, as my mother is closed minded, doesn't believe in TSism, and will likely kick me out, and I'd be done for if that happened right now. I'm not suicidal either, so I can live out a few months. Sometimes waiting is wiser, and in my current situation, I'd definitely be wise to wait a little longer, cause if I don't wait, it could be very bad for me (living on the streets, for instance). So, I am waiting for my own sake right now. As soon as I started facing this a few months ago, I made a plan and I am sticking to it, even though I am going through some ups and downs lately. But, I know each up and down will pass with time.

I should have been more clear.  I meant the depression.  You can probably find relief from that without disclosing gender stuff to anyone other than your therapist.  Depression can be deadly and its progress is so insidious.  Take care of yourself.

Quote from: findingreason on May 27, 2008, 08:41:53 PM
I still am cloudy in my thoughts right now, so please bear with me, I am rather tired of it all lately.

It takes time to work through these things.  But those words, "I am rather tired of it all lately," I know them well.  They are your depression speaking.

I already have a "support network" of SOs I talk to and that helps a lot to get through the depression. I just haven't spoken to anyone for a while, hence why I've been gloomy on here. I'm also saving up for therapy right now, too. I also have a number of self-help books, so I am working on it. Also, if I went into therapy right now, my mother would really like to know "why". She's difficult, very difficult.

I think it is actually testosterone that makes it difficult to express emotions.  I always felt like a robot growing up, but since I've been on HRT, showing emotions is much easier.  I've heard the reverse for FTMs that went onto HRT--they wanted to display emotion, but had difficulty doing it.  I think you have emotions just from being human, but the chemicals are what affect your ability to express them.

Quote from: findingreason on May 28, 2008, 10:56:48 AM
I already have a "support network" of SOs I talk to and that helps a lot to get through the depression. I just haven't spoken to anyone for a while, hence why I've been gloomy on here. I'm also saving up for therapy right now, too. I also have a number of self-help books, so I am working on it. Also, if I went into therapy right now, my mother would really like to know "why". She's difficult, very difficult.

From the good folks that bring you Celexa and Lexapro:



Depression Self-text




Your Results


(Range 0-27)

None   0-5
Mild   6-10
Moderate   11-15
Severe   16-20
Very Severe   21+

    * * NOTE: The above cutoff points are based largely on clinical judgement rather than on empirical data. © 2000, A. John Rush, MD, Quick Inventory of Depressive Symptomatology (Self Report) (QUIDS-SR).


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Quote from: Melissa on May 28, 2008, 02:05:52 PM
I think it is actually testosterone that makes it difficult to express emotions.  I always felt like a robot growing up, but since I've been on HRT, showing emotions is much easier.  I've heard the reverse for FTMs that went onto HRT--they wanted to display emotion, but had difficulty doing it.  I think you have emotions just from being human, but the chemicals are what affect your ability to express them.

I recall that some FTM's report that they are much less emotional and do find it hard to express emotions on HRT. This supports the suppression of emotions by T.

Maggie

8 years ago I was depressed to the point of suicide. My shrink was treating me for bipolar, had been for the past twenty years. Finally I figured it out for myself and I got my shrink to send me for diagnosis by those who specialised in trans and GID.

I was diagnosed as such and didn't waste time starting to transition and went full time right then. I will not go into great detail about the bipolar part except that in the past 8 years it has subsided considerably and was able to even taper off my meds.

I repressed much of my emotions as a guy but that don't mean I didn't feel stuff, I just kept it to myself. Actually I was a very sensitive individual since I as far back as I can remember, as a little kid. What the estrogen done for me is to make it just so much easier to feel stuff and share it with other people, *well mostly with other women.* I became more in touch with my feelings. Although my emotions can be all over the map I am pretty good at keeping them in check. I am still in control of my emotions, until such a time as I am able get to where it is safe where it is OK to share them , like with my mate.

I believe that having the opportunity to share my emotions with another has done more for me then a team of shrinks

Cindy

Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 27, 2008, 09:59:38 AM
Not showing emotions is not always a male / female thing (my brother and sister never showed emotions either).  In my case it was a combination of things; chemical reactions always sent me into a very deep depression if I allowed myself to feel an emotion; family situation taught me it was dangerous to express any emotion; and deep emotional scars kept me from expressing emotions.

Taking HRT or transitioning could not change any of those issues, however, I do find my self feeling emotions much more than I used to (they are just not always shown outwardly).  The one emotion I can not hide anymore is tears, I cry when I never did before.

Sarah L.

too true. I've got female family members that never cry while they're brothers do. I think it's both a chemical and learned thing. I hope not too chemical cause I don't want to end up unable to express myself on T.

Claire de Lune: I scored a 12 (moderate).

Quote from: cindybc on May 28, 2008, 05:36:11 PM
I repressed much of my emotions as a guy but that don't mean I didn't feel stuff, I just kept it to myself. Actually I was a very sensitive individual since I as far back as I can remember, as a little kid.

I do have a lot of emotions myself, just all bottled up. Lately, all I get instead is just anger, cruel sadistic thoughts, and lots of other unwanted BS going through my head. I hate myself for all of the crap that I think, as I don't think any of it is really "me". I know none of it is me, even though it has "my" voice saying it.

I came here to these forums to try and get through some of my problems until I can see a therapist. Lately I think I may be even androgyne, but I can't say anything for sure about myself until I get my head on straight again.

If you're an androgyne, then welcome to our balanced world. At first I thought I was an M2F, but now, I know better. I am definitely a balanced or neutral person, but with some feminine aspirations. Essentially, I'd love to have a more feminine face. I'd love to be pretty. Okay, I've spoken too much.

Quote from: polymorphic on May 29, 2008, 06:05:10 PM
If you're an androgyne, then welcome to our balanced world. At first I thought I was an M2F, but now, I know better. I am definitely a balanced or neutral person, but with some feminine aspirations. Essentially, I'd love to have a more feminine face. I'd love to be pretty. Okay, I've spoken too much.

Not really sure yet, cause I know I don't think I like living in my current gender all that much. I just live, and whenever I have a dream of being a girl, well, I wish it would continue, but I HAVE to wake up at some point.

Interesting, the lack of emotions is one thing that kept me from progressing into HRT when HRT seems to have been exactly what I needed to solve the problem.  I cry often, but only at the end of games or shows since it feels like a group of friends of mine just died.

But then I was never told that boys don't cry, as my father was never one for giving advice or anything like that.  Instead, if I feel hurt, I tell myself that girls DO cry, and that it is okay to cry if I am a girl inside.

On the other hand, apathy has been my greatest issue throughout life, especially while repressing my feminine feelings.  Taking on life and emotions felt pointless when I was unable to even cope with my own body and mind.  Now that I'm being honest with myself, I find myself in contact with a new emotion called "hope."  It feels strange after only being able to feel anger and depression for 3 years.