This question has been burning inside me for some time now. Our FTM and MTF brothers and sisters have "a path" that they can take to make changes to help them be who they feel they should be, and I find myself a bit jealous of them at times. I'll always be "stuck" somewhere in the middle, with either extreme not suitable/a solution for me, and with me not fitting in with either a male or female world.

or as Kristi said, "stuck in the middle with you", a fine gerry rafferty song.

Anyone else find this frustrating? or is it just me? 

Its frustrating, but its also liberating.  You can be what you want to be.  And change your mind about it as your mind changes.  Yeah, its not like we have a map, or a guide, we're just kind of making it up as we go.  We're just kind of "Saints Of Circumstance."


Never could read no road-map
No I don't know what the weather might do
But hear that witch wind whining
See that dog star shining
I got a feelin' there's no time to lose
No time to lose

I never know, no, no
Just don't ever know
Never know, no

Never can hear 'Stuck in the Middle w/ You' without thinking about Reservoir Dogs and that ear scene.  Good Times.

Hi  Riven_One. I am certainly looking forward to seeing any responses you get. There were many years I thought I was asexual and I was comfortable being just that. Some time later when I came back to Susan's here post-op I discovered androgyne and what this term meant. I was almost convinced there was a possibility I maybe androgyne, I certainly could identify with many of their traits.  After some discussion with Pica Pica and Rebis I discovered I was where I was supposed to be, a trans female.

Cindy   

Quote from: cindybc on June 11, 2008, 12:44:46 AM
Hi  Riven_One. I am certainly looking forward to seeing any responses you get. There were many years I thought I was asexual and I was comfortable being just that. Some time later when I came back to Susan's here post-op I discovered androgyne and what this term meant. I was almost convinced there was a possibility I maybe androgyne, I certainly could identify with many of their traits.  After some discussion with Pica Pica and Rebis I discovered I was where I was supposed to be, a trans female.

Cindy   

Well, i'm probably gonna stir it up with this thread, but that is ok, and is why we are here, right? and the question bears answering, even if the answer is "no answer". As I said before, i'm glad to finally understand myself but am sad that there appears to be "nothing" that I can do to "fix" the situation, the situation being that I simply do not fit in, and am always on the outside of every situation due to being "different". And I want to hear what other people think/do in this situation, because for me it has become intolerable, and rather lonely.

If you don't really fit in anywhere, you can go everywhere cause its all the same.  Its a weird freedom, but it is freedom.

Quote from: tekla on June 11, 2008, 01:22:01 AM
If you don't really fit in anywhere, you can go everywhere cause its all the same.  Its a weird freedom, but it is freedom.

You are right, and i need to seize this vision. Today has not been a good day for me 

Hey Riven_One.

I understand what you are saying.  I have friends who love and care for me, but don't really understand what it's like.  They all knew me before I admitted to anyone (even myself) that I wasn't a man, and they think it is some kind of reaction to working too much.  I wish that were the case as I could change jobs and never feel this lost again.  But we all know that's not gonna happen.

I made the big step (for me) last weekend to visit the Info Fair at the local LBGT center.  Took a bit to find the "T" folks, but I finally did and found out about some meetings and social activities.  I'm going to make a real effort to attend and get involved.  As much support as I've gotten from Susan's, and you guys are fantastic, I need more than just an online family to make things work.  It is just too hard and lonely on my own.

Tekla is right in saying there is a freedom outside the gender norms, and I do my best to revel in that freedom as often as possible...hehehe...but there is also a loneliness that creeps in for those of us who live alone.  Sadly, there aren't a lot of "gently aged" women who are looking for people like us, so that makes the dating scene a little tricky too...just another little pat of butter on the cardboard pancakes of life.

It is also true that the only person who is completely free is the one who has nothing.  And having nothing (and that includes relationships) really sucks.

OK, so now that we are all completely depressed, would anyone like a cup of coffee and some cookies?  Sorry, I'm saving the chocolate for when things really get bad.

....L

Hi Riven_one, My goodness being considered as weird was my middle name through all those years before I transitioned. Being actually thought as weird gave me a bit of an edge during my early transition, everyone thought I was an odd ball anyway so why not transition. Well being different I certainly was but after I began to understand who I truly was, I had a new reason why I did not want to continue being different anymore. I just wanted to be a normal woman. I no longer want to be odd or weird anymore after I discovered who I was. Loneliness? Yes of course I was lonely. At the age of 52, I realised that being trans there was a good possibility I maybe living the rest of my life alone. I realised that I didn't want to be alone anymore.

I needed someone in my life, I just couldn't think of any thing else that would ease the loneliness. Well as it turned out it was like Great Spirit answered my prayers and not long after I met another girl from this group, that was six years ago. Now we have lived together for going on 4 years. It has been the best of any reunion I have ever had before with previous relationships. She is a wonderful loving caring lady. I some time call her mommy just to bug her, "hee, hee," well sometimes it feels like she is my mommy. I am a tiny person and love to cuddle up to her. She is truly a wonderful soul and in a way I saved her from falling off the edge of the world. She is the most precious mommy in the world, I love life and I love living each new day with my soul mate. 

Again I will pray that you find your comfort zone. I am not certain if I hit any of what you need in this post but just keep what you feel is for you and discard what doesnt 

Cindy

being in the middle means finding you own path for me its a path of "gender ->-bleeped-<-" other people its middle of road defining your true self is a complex and confusing journey that we are lucky to define for ourselves as no-one knows exactly what it feels like to be you.
I'm trying to find my true self and its an amazing rolercoster of self discovery

As Tekla said, we have freedom to be ourselves. This is a wonderful thing, and sometimes a difficult one too. It's been 15 years since I transitioned M2F and then later realized I was neither gender, and I'm still figuring out how this all works, so to speak. Sometimes, I still feel as though I'm only just beginning. Like you Riven-one, I too have my bad days.

As Laurry said, having this wonderful online family isn't enough, I also find it's important to have a community where I live. I'm currently finding that I need to be more active in outreach and education about what it means to be non binary gender, and have recently started blogging about my own journey. My partner and I have been invited to do a presentation as part of a diversity training session this Friday. I'm really excited about that. The more I can do like this, the better.

Zythyra

I agree with everyone else.  It's a freedom to be ourselves.  I have days when I wish there was a clear answer and then I have other days where that freedom is exactly what I want.  But on the whole, I prefer the freedom that being androgyne provides.  I have a (sometimes bad) habit of saying and doing whatever I want anyway, everyone else be damned, so it works for me most of the time.  But then again, sometimes I wish there was a little androgyne colony I could go live in where no binary exists so I don't have to think about it anymore.

It took me a long time to realize how much freedom there is in being androgyne and how nice it is to have room to breathe.     It grows on you.

QuoteRe: OK, so i'm androgyne. Now what?

so now you get to be IN the world while simultaneously holding it in your hand and observing it.

Once you can do that while standing on one foot. You'll be a master magician.


Welcome to the clan, I mean, club.   

Hi Rebis hon, interesting avatar. If you don't put glasses on it sure can do a number on the imagination. 

Cindy

Thanks, Cindy.

Quote from: Rebis on June 13, 2008, 11:27:46 PM

Once you can do that while standing on one foot.

I'm screwed 

Thanks for the responses. I'm trying to see all of this in a different way in my life right now.

Quote from: riven_one on June 11, 2008, 12:26:22 AM
Anyone else find this frustrating? or is it just me? 

I find it quite frustrating also. Around spring and summer time I usually feel much more feminine. I find myself wanting to change my body in a more feminine direction. But I also know that I won't continue to feel that way.

I'm well into middle age and I get the impression that those who are younger these days may be more comfortable with living their life in the middle than I am.

Hi MichelleT

Well I was in a similar situation when it came time for me to make my decision there wasn't any doubt in my mind what I wanted to do. Since I was 52 years old at the time I realised that time was fast passing me by and I realised there wasn't any more time left to wast. Now as I sit here as female as medical science can make me, at 62 I have accepted who I am, a woman in every way that I can be and I am happy. I deserve to be happy, my life has been a hard one but now it's time to reap the harvest. My journey may have been difficult but it is good now. Still I wish I would have done transitioning sooner.

It's your choice hon.

Cindy

Hi cindybc,

It seems to me that making that kind of choice and going through with it would take a huge amount of motivation. I don't see how an androgyne could have and sustain that kind of motivation.

Your tagline says "I am woman". Mine would be "Sometimes I am woman and sometimes I am man".

Hi again MichelleT

No problem hon. You are who you are and in my own oppinion it doesn't make me feel less of a freind to you. I am always oppen to chating and sharing.

Have a wonderful evening.

Cindy

Quote from: MichelleT on June 14, 2008, 07:36:47 PM
Hi cindybc,

It seems to me that making that kind of choice and going through with it would take a huge amount of motivation. I don't see how an androgyne could have and sustain that kind of motivation.

Your tagline says "I am woman". Mine would be "Sometimes I am woman and sometimes I am man".

Transition can be very wrong for many androgynes. Once you have transitioned, then what? You may not have gained anything at all and lost a lot.

I am not saying it is wrong either, some androgynes are more close to T.S. than androgyne and possibly should transition just as some T.S. are probably closer to androgyne and probably shouldn't. Either way it is not something to be taken lightly, this is just one of the reasons there are gatekeepers.