I came out to my mom yesterday, and I am going to do the same with my dad tomorrow night. While it was a great relief to tell my mom, I feel that I have just stabbed her in the heart. Why is that? The last thing that I wanted to do is hurt my parents, the people I care most about in the world. The other thing is that yesterday, I was certain that this is what I wanted, needed, now I tell myself that I don't need it. I have no idea when or if I will transition. Yesterday, I was absolutely certain, that I am a woman in a man's body, now not so. Am I just reacting to a painful and traumatic scene? I would be greatly appriciative to know others' experiences.

Sorry to rant,

Jennifer

Jennifer you need to get yourself to a therapist before you go any further.  While the doubts that you are experiencing may be due to the feelings you are experiencing towards your mom in that that you feel that you "just stabbed her in the heart" when you came out to her.

You need to be sure that you are coming out to people for the right reasons and if there in fact is a need for you to come out to anyone.  Coming out to them because you are CD is a little different than coming out to them because you are TS as the end results of each is different.

Steph

I second what Steph has said, and add a bit of advice my therapist told me when I started seeing him--

At first, don't tell anybody who doesn't absolutely need to know, and only tell them just what they need to know, no more.

Karen

Thank You Stephanie and Karen, I am seeing a therapist, however my parents live together and the damage is already done. Heh... I go to see my therapist today again, before I see my father. Last night I was really depressed, and I do belive that I am TS. It all feels far away sometimes though, I just don't know when I will start my transition. I am Jennifer, I know this. It's very much apparent to me and I've known it all along (just didn't see it). So, I have to follow through with what I've already done. I'm sure that it will all be ok.
Thank You again, your support and advice mean a lot to me. 

Jennifer,

      You are who you are on the inside. When I tild my mom 18 years ago the first time I was going to do this, I too felt like it killed her.  When I had my name changed then. even though I had it published in a different paper, my mom knew people everywhere, so a friend of hers called her and asked what was that all about, and again I hurt and embarrassed her. Then I left for California and lived as a man for 5 years and she hated every moment of that. Then,  I do a 360 degree turn back to being a woman to please her. Got married, had kids and now full circle back to knowing I have always been a man on the inside. Only now my mom is dead, and I had to tell my kids they wont have a physical "mom" anymore, but this is who I am, and I can tell you that I can not change that. I tried, just to please others. Mt point is don't make that mistake. I wasted alot of years always knowing it would come back to me, and one day I would be complete. my top surgery is going to be Aug 7. I could not be happier. You need to do what will make you happy. Think of who and where you want to be in ten years, or even only five, then you will know what to do.
                                 
                                                  Marco

Thank You Marco. Scince I originally posted this, I have decided to start my transitioning by next year. This has given me a great sense of inner peace. Most of the anxiety has gone with that decision. I still haven't told my dad which is unfair to my mom, yet she keeps advising me that it is not a good time to tell him. You are absolutely right in the fact that I must do what will make me happy. When the disphoria gets really bad I tell myself that I can wait and see, that I can live as a man, but just how long will it be before these feelings return? How much more of my life will I have to regret not being the woman that I am? So, regarding that, I made my decision. I will start with electrolosis and then work from there. BTW Marco congrats on the top surgery!

Jennifer