Sadly it is too easy sometimes to dwell on the negative, which seems to obfuscate all that is beautiful and happy. Eventually it becomes a way of thinking instead of a temporary state of being. When I get down, I create a little mantra, to help reverse the cycle. Something as simple as, "I am committed to living." Right now it is, "I will be a successful writer."
Unfortunately my views on spirituality are extremely fluid, and somewhat humanistic, so i have a difficult time relating with Christianity or other belief systems with strict rules on thought and behavior. I did grow up in a Christian envirnoment though, and do remember and grasp the thoughts and emotions such a belief system can incubate.
However, if I may remove the Christain arguments against suicide, the real point is in your statement, "It is also a refusal to spark life. To lose your spark and not try to rekindle it somehow." Regardless of your belief system, the fact is we are alive, whatever that means, and suicide is a terrible escape from what is typically little more than passing pain or suffering. Being alive most people will find joy and sorrow, and for some reason sorrow and despair are powerful modes that seem to overwhelm and make us incapable of savoring the inherent joy of the next new experience.
Suicide is an awful proposition, as in most cases it indicates an internal sense of failure or futility. Being more existential and/or humanist in my world view, this is often made all the worse, as I don't have anything except the here and now, this single life to believe in, to cherish, to keep me going. I can get depressed considering big bang theory and the possibility of a closed universe, where regardless of how advanced or enlightened the human race becomes, there will eventually be no universe to exist within. How silly is that? Something that wouldn't even MAYBE happen in a time frame incomprehensible to me can give me a sense of futility. Then make it personal, how futile life seems, when I am happily sitting here wearing a halter top and skirt, and constantly have lurking in the back my mind what would happen if the neighbors suddenly dropped by to say hello or complain about how crappy our yard looks. Afraid of being judged, afraid of being discovered, for just being me.
So what then? I could dwell on the difficulities inherent in my life. Or I could appreciate the fact that I am here communicating with you. I could think about the fun time I will have later watching Mr. Show with friends later tonight. Or maybe I could begin fretting about whether or not I will wear a skirt tonight and whether my friends will begin to tire of my little "hobby/fetish". I could think about all these things, but ultimately I find it much healthier and happier to simply be here now, and take each moment as it comes, and not spend too much time worrying about things that may or may not be real, and invariably will only bring me down.
But this still does not address the religious aspect of your post. As your psychologist stated, suicidal thoughts are perfectly normal. We can study the real chemistry behind how humans function and make such logical conclusions. Thus, regardless of your belief system, it seems that we have been given or simply possess that ability for coping, a release valve if you will, and if you believe in God, then it seems silly to think that God didn't want us to have that free will, to have that coping mechanism. And if you do believe in God, then there are certain codes of behavior that must be adhered to, and that there is no loophole for suicide. Suicide is freewill enacted. But if you believe in God, then actually committing suicide is an abuse of the freewill given to us by the creator, and I see it only as a good thing. Looking for a "loophole" seems to me like fighting for, striving for the nerve to actually do it. But why? If you are Christian, then life is holy and following the tenets of your faith seem paramount. I am reminded of Job. Living for God is reason enough for living at all. And if you aren't Christian, or of a belief system that "permits" suicide then you have even more freewill to make that choice. But why? With that much freewill comes the power and opportunity of infinite possibility, which sounds a whole lot more exciting than cashing in the chips. Living for our own personal values, just to see what happens next, what we can give, what we can experience, is reason enough for living at all.
I hate to see so much saddness, especially here on this forum. Yet I can't help but think that addressing these issues is a big part of this forum, of life in general; of acknowledging and contemplating the human experience. And sadness is an intrinsically part of life as joy.
I can only say, "Choose to live." Why? Because it just makes too much sense. You think deciding what to wear is a difficult to decision? At least a bad outfit can be remedied. Regardless of belief system, suicide is not something easily remedied. As a Christian the consequences are potentially severe. As a humanist, it is simply the end and undoable. And even if you believe in reincarnation, at best you end up as a devolved being in the next life and have to "suffer" through so many more lives, just to get back to having this same discussion in another life.
I hope my words bring light to a darkness in your life. As an aside, I learned to savor my sad dark feelings through cinema. I can live those difficult human experiences through characters in a story, fall comletely into it, but when its over I feel purged, cleansed somehow. Just an extra thought. Take care and I hope you find your day well Luana.
