Hi everyone,

I have been feeling unsettled for a why but I could never express what I was feeling in words till I had the following conversation below with DarthKitty last night. To summerise - I know I do not fit being male but will I fit being female when I go full time?

Gee I wish I could just answer yes to that one but for now I will just have to hope I will. I am never going to give up cycling so if full time means me having to hide my bald head when at the coffee shop forget it, I will never be full time. I just want to be relaxed with who I am and do what I have done before. If I do not fit the mould of a perfact TS person so be it, I will loose the ability to say I want SRS cause I am not doing what the professional say I should be doing. A friend of mine said before they where not ready to give up their male side and I have never said I hated being male, so if when going full time I do some male things so be it, I still between the genders.

But if I do fit right in to being female and love every part of my life, if I fit being a "normal female" that would be something special that I can only dream about right now. 

Alice

Quote
[20:49] <DarthKitty> heck, i never expected to want to be "normal"
[20:49] <Alice> LOL
[20:49] <Alice> normal - you wanted to be normal
[20:49] <DarthKitty> well, i wanted to be me
[20:50] <DarthKitty> i didn't want to like fit into a particular gender
[20:50] <DarthKitty> and now i do
[20:50] <Alice> normal would be boring?
[20:50] <DarthKitty> i think normal would be great
[20:50] <DarthKitty> or rather, not having to worry about it
[20:51] <DarthKitty> or to let being a transsexual define a part of me like it has been
[20:51] <DarthKitty> i believe my brain is finally getting a grasp around this whole thing
[20:51] <DarthKitty> i just kinda realized when i was talking to my housemate that yes i really am a transsexual
[20:52] <DarthKitty> i dunno somewhere in the back of my mind this whole time i was doubting whether i was genuinely one
[20:52] <DarthKitty> even through the whole like going full-time thing
[20:52] <Alice> hmmm - am I one to?
[20:52] <DarthKitty> am i one?
[20:52] <Alice> I think I know how you feel
[20:52] <DarthKitty> tonight i think i finally accepted it
[20:53] <Alice> I Feel the same - I know I do not fit being male, But will I fit being female
[20:53] <Alice> you have probably now relised you do fit being female
[20:53] <DarthKitty> i think i do
[20:53] <DarthKitty> yah
[20:53] <DarthKitty> it fits
[20:53] <DarthKitty> it's me. im female.
[20:54] <Alice> and with that knowledge - the next question to look at is, how are you different and can you fix that difference
[20:54] <DarthKitty> yah
[20:54] <DarthKitty> that's exactly where i'm at
[20:54] <Alice> so thinking about SRS is a natural extension of what you are feeling
[20:54] <DarthKitty> i know what needs to be done
[20:54] <DarthKitty> yah
[20:55] <DarthKitty> and i think i'm going to start making plans
[20:55] <DarthKitty> get what i need done to make that happen
[20:55] * DarthKitty hugs everyone close
[20:56] <Alice> I still feel that doubt of will I fit being female
[20:56] <Alice> I am a step behind you
[20:56] <DarthKitty> you'll get there
[20:56] <DarthKitty> you and i have always been very much alike
[20:57] * Alice smiles
[20:57] <DarthKitty> it makes me feel relieved to know someone else with my mindset
[20:57] <Alice> I just relised what was bugging me
[20:57] <Alice> is there a way to know, before going FT?
[20:58] <DarthKitty> for me there wasn't
[20:58] <DarthKitty> too much otherwise to cloud the thought process
[20:58] <Alice> damm - the forums are down
[21:00] <Alice> remember that thought for me Darth
[21:00] <Alice> There had been something at the back of my mind bothering me
[21:01] <Alice> I have just been about to put it into words
[21:01] <DarthKitty> type it out if it'll help...i'm all ears
[21:01] <Alice> Thanks Darth
[21:01] <Alice> You have helps already
[21:01] * Alice huggles DarthKitty with affection
[21:02] * DarthKitty hugs Alice close
[21:02] <Alice> do you mind if I use this conversation in a thread when the forums are up?
[21:04] <DarthKitty> certainly go ahead hon
[21:04] <DarthKitty>
[21:04] <Alice> Thanks

Well, I am glad that you were able to get things figured out, Alice. Hopefully, things will be better for you from here on out. 

Alice,

Please find some responses to your post below

I have been feeling unsettled for a why but I could never express what I was feeling in words till I had the following conversation below with DarthKitty last night. To summerise - I know I do not fit being male but will I fit being female when I go full time?

Then you need to find an answer to that Alice before you go Full Time, trying to live as a Woman If you decide you dont fit in may be a big mistake

Gee I wish I could just answer yes to that one but for now I will just have to hope I will. I am never going to give up cycling so if full time means me having to hide my bald head when at the coffee shop forget it, I will never be full time. I just want to be relaxed with who I am and do what I have done before. If I do not fit the mould of a perfact TS person so be it, I will loose the ability to say I want SRS cause I am not doing what the professional say I should be doing. A friend of mine said before they where not ready to give up their male side and I have never said I hated being male, so if when going full time I do some male things so be it, I still between the genders.

Many points come through, you are fixated on continuing your cycling, many of us enjoy hobbies, past times we enjoyed as Males, it is part of our life and we enjoy doing them. Why should you have to give up Cycling when full time?

We have had several conversations relating to your appearance, the wig situation, appearance as a woman is something I know holds many fears for you. You even talked about going out as Alan after going Full Time (which defeats the object of living as a woman 24/7), how much of your fear of transitioning is your acceptance by others of being perceived as Female?

I dont think many of us fit the perfect TS , otherwise we would have transitioned as soon as we finished childhood

But if I do fit right in to being female and love every part of my life, if I fit being a "normal female" that would be something special that I can only dream about right now.  

I dont think many of us can put our hands on our heart and say we love every part of our lives. Many of us have lives that are probably more manageable and easier to relate to. What is a normal woman? , ask your self that and genetic females and you will get many answers. The perfectly manicured, dressed woman is not the type you see at the school gate in the morning, the woman fighting with troops in Iraq is probably not the typical woman.

This may seem blunt and I apologize for that, but having known you for 2 years and fight tooth and nail NOT to get to this point, then you still have many questions to ask. Being a depressed guy who enjoys cycling, dressing may be preferential to trying to live as a woman and feeling you dont fit in and fearing about your appearance.

Despite this being your dream, you seem afraid of the reality.

Many of us have doubts about going Full Time, but we know that it is not an option to not do so, we transition and live Full Time 24/7 despite appearance, despite the fears and paranoia that go with that. Answer the question not If I can fit in Full Time, but Why I am I wanting to go Full Time.

Buffy

When I transitioned I changed the following things:
my name
slightly altered my appearance ala no more hiding the breasts and wear makeup at work (professional office setting)
popped hormones under guidance of my doctor
had surgery

I am just now becoming involved in sports again. I still love to shoot, train in the martial arts, can still change my own spark plugs and wires, and will even sneak over into the Mens department for socks that will last more than a week and the occasional shirt. I simply horrify those who give up one box for another. I have embraced and integrated what I liked from before and by doing so I feel more complete now than ever before in my life.

There is no perfect way to do this. There are ways that one is better off avoiding, my own transition should be a story of warning not a How To, but in the end we are who we are.

I had to move forward in transition. I have known since the second grade that I wanted surgery (when I first heard of it). I knew that my life would improve a little bit because I would be myself. yes, I knew the dangers that lurked about and have run into many of them but at the end of the day I am happy with who I am.

Screw trying to be normal, try being yourself. That is what matters.

Quote from: Alice on June 30, 2008, 07:58:14 AM
A friend of mine said before they where not ready to give up their male side and I have never said I hated being male, so if when going full time I do some male things so be it, I still between the genders.

What are "male things" anyway? My pre and post transition life really aren't that different at all (at least in terms of what I DO), although I realize that's not true for everyone. But you really don't have to turn your life completely upside-down when you transition. You aren't "between genders" if you play sports or work on your car. You're "between genders" (in terms of satisfying fulltime conditions) if you have some people call you by your male name, and others by your female name... or you TRY to pass as a male with some people, and TRY to pass as a female with others.

~Kate~

Alice, listen to what has been said in the previous posts. Just like most, I was very apprenhesive about my looks, until I just said this is rediculas. I told a good friend of mine that I would rather be the ugliest looking woman than be a man anymore. I was never what you call a man, I did play the part, probably over did it. You just have to know what you want and who you are. Like what was said, there are a lot of men who like to go out dressed and they don't have to go through all the hormones or the surgery. Just make sure and listen because there is no going back. If you think your miserable now, wait until you have surgery and you wake up someday and say WHOOPS! I think I made a mistake. I have known two who have done that. One committed suicide about 2 months ago.

Hi alice,

I guess you'll, need to find out WHO Alice is. I would not rush things, but see how it feels and what it is that makes you happy.   Me I still love messing around with boats (Ha I better as I live on one) and I'm counting the days till I can get on my bicycle again. Though I get just as excited going to my hair dresser and Nail salon. 

you don't have to fit a perticular mold,  just find/be what Fit's you best.  No wrong answers OK. 

As I was transistioning last year I would take inventory of what changed, what I liked, what I missed and what I wanted.  Perhaps find a quiet time and ponder on what you wish, how you wish to be, Who you were 2-3 years ago compaired to who you are now. 

Take care

Beni

I think the thing was more so until I did go full-time, I had no idea for 100% certain if I was doing the right thing, and is there honestly any way to get rid of that uncertainty without jumping ship and going full-time?  As sure as I was on the surface, inside there was the side saying "are you for real? Are you sure this is the right thing? Are you really transitioning to be female?" 

So that night Alice and I were talking, just prior to the above, was the first time in two years that I had felt that need to pursue SRS, the whole new name, paperwork, etc.  The whole choice of term "normal" is something we hear in the chatroom so often about people wanting to be "normal" for which is more so like often taken as one of the gender binaries, and not stuck somewhere in the middle as I have been emotionally and otherwise for the past few years.  It wasn't that I was uncomfortable with the idea of being in the middle, it's that being somewhere in the middleground isn't who I am deep down inside, and now I'm starting to find that out.  And for some of us, myself and perhaps Alice included, is there any way of knowing for sure until you have gone full-time if you'll know where you fit?

Yes I know people are going to say "why fit anywhere?  Why is that important?"  Finding out more and more that I prefer one of the gender binaries isn't something I choose.  Those that know me know that up until very recently, I classified myself as non-op, and I was as far as I was aware happy as such. 

As for whether Alice and I share that need, or other transgendered people share, that going full-time is the only way to know 100% where on earth you actually fit in the gender spectrum assuming you fit somewhere, well that's what you need to do.  And definitely that part-time can cloud the ability to see what's 1 foot in front of your face.

-Kit

Quote from: Alice on June 30, 2008, 07:58:14 AM
Hi everyone,

I have been feeling unsettled for a why but I could never express what I was feeling in words till I had the following conversation below with DarthKitty last night. To summerise - I know I do not fit being male but will I fit being female when I go full time?

Gee I wish I could just answer yes to that one but for now I will just have to hope I will. I am never going to give up cycling so if full time means me having to hide my bald head when at the coffee shop forget it, I will never be full time. I just want to be relaxed with who I am and do what I have done before. If I do not fit the mould of a perfact TS person so be it, I will loose the ability to say I want SRS cause I am not doing what the professional say I should be doing. A friend of mine said before they where not ready to give up their male side and I have never said I hated being male, so if when going full time I do some male things so be it, I still between the genders.

But if I do fit right in to being female and love every part of my life, if I fit being a "normal female" that would be something special that I can only dream about right now. 

Alice

Quote
[20:49] <DarthKitty> heck, i never expected to want to be "normal"
[20:49] <Alice> LOL
[20:49] <Alice> normal - you wanted to be normal
[20:49] <DarthKitty> well, i wanted to be me
[20:50] <DarthKitty> i didn't want to like fit into a particular gender
[20:50] <DarthKitty> and now i do
[20:50] <Alice> normal would be boring?
[20:50] <DarthKitty> i think normal would be great
[20:50] <DarthKitty> or rather, not having to worry about it
[20:51] <DarthKitty> or to let being a transsexual define a part of me like it has been
[20:51] <DarthKitty> i believe my brain is finally getting a grasp around this whole thing
[20:51] <DarthKitty> i just kinda realized when i was talking to my housemate that yes i really am a transsexual
[20:52] <DarthKitty> i dunno somewhere in the back of my mind this whole time i was doubting whether i was genuinely one
[20:52] <DarthKitty> even through the whole like going full-time thing
[20:52] <Alice> hmmm - am I one to?
[20:52] <DarthKitty> am i one?
[20:52] <Alice> I think I know how you feel
[20:52] <DarthKitty> tonight i think i finally accepted it
[20:53] <Alice> I Feel the same - I know I do not fit being male, But will I fit being female
[20:53] <Alice> you have probably now relised you do fit being female
[20:53] <DarthKitty> i think i do
[20:53] <DarthKitty> yah
[20:53] <DarthKitty> it fits
[20:53] <DarthKitty> it's me. im female.
[20:54] <Alice> and with that knowledge - the next question to look at is, how are you different and can you fix that difference
[20:54] <DarthKitty> yah
[20:54] <DarthKitty> that's exactly where i'm at
[20:54] <Alice> so thinking about SRS is a natural extension of what you are feeling
[20:54] <DarthKitty> i know what needs to be done
[20:54] <DarthKitty> yah
[20:55] <DarthKitty> and i think i'm going to start making plans
[20:55] <DarthKitty> get what i need done to make that happen
[20:55] * DarthKitty hugs everyone close
[20:56] <Alice> I still feel that doubt of will I fit being female
[20:56] <Alice> I am a step behind you
[20:56] <DarthKitty> you'll get there
[20:56] <DarthKitty> you and i have always been very much alike
[20:57] * Alice smiles
[20:57] <DarthKitty> it makes me feel relieved to know someone else with my mindset
[20:57] <Alice> I just relised what was bugging me
[20:57] <Alice> is there a way to know, before going FT?
[20:58] <DarthKitty> for me there wasn't
[20:58] <DarthKitty> too much otherwise to cloud the thought process
[20:58] <Alice> damm - the forums are down
[21:00] <Alice> remember that thought for me Darth
[21:00] <Alice> There had been something at the back of my mind bothering me
[21:01] <Alice> I have just been about to put it into words
[21:01] <DarthKitty> type it out if it'll help...i'm all ears
[21:01] <Alice> Thanks Darth
[21:01] <Alice> You have helps already
[21:01] * Alice huggles DarthKitty with affection
[21:02] * DarthKitty hugs Alice close
[21:02] <Alice> do you mind if I use this conversation in a thread when the forums are up?
[21:04] <DarthKitty> certainly go ahead hon
[21:04] <DarthKitty>
[21:04] <Alice> Thanks

Just to add a little touching a bit on Kate and Sheila's points, respectively: 1st. I feel theres too much emphasis placed on the roles and behaviors of which males and females should practice. I went to the Manny Pacquiao/David Diaz fight at Mandalay Bay last Saturday night. Does this mean I'm not girl enough to commit to full-time if the opportunity should present itself? I think not. I'd like to add that there were several girls there and much like myself, weren't on their feet the entire time screamin', "Knock that @&$%#* out". I didn't feel any less girl-like watchin' Manny knock David out in the ninth round than I did when I got home and went straight to wearin' my comfee clothes. Well, Maybe I felt a bit more feline and delicate. But I love bein' girly-like and those that know about me claim I'm more pleasant to be around. Believe it, playin' drums and enjoying a sport like boxing is something both genders can enjoy-and do. Granted this is Vegas, but several of those girls there were in dresses and dolled up like their girlfriends. Maybe their something like I wouldv'e been? I think it's certainly a possibility. 2nd. as Sheila mentioned, please ponder on this thoroughly in light of the rilly high pre and post-op suicide rates. It's tough to sit here and type that I don't condone it when I think about it daily, but the last stat. I heard for post-ops (the ones that actually made their desired goal) was like %36. This came from my prof. of abnormal psyc. back in like 99. But please, above all else be yourself and take all interest and practices, that will facilitate your comfortable functioning, over into your full-time living status. You can always make adjustments, right?