I'm not sure if this is the proper forum, but I really need to vent right now.
For about 7 months, I have been absolutely in love with a woman who does not return the same feelings. It is online, and I realize how foolish it sounds, and the logic itself is well in my mind, but my heart will not listen. I suppose this comes to mind:
Where there is love, distance doesn't matter.-Mata Amritanandamayi
This woman has been my friend for quite some time. I have confirmation from her roommate that she is the same online as she is in real life. I, myself, act no different online than I do in real life because I think people deserve the real me.
Unfortunately, many of my online friends do not know I am FTM. They believe I am biologically male. I know if I tell them, they may be upset, but they are so accepting I'm sure they would be fine with it. Never the less, I feel afraid of the true reactions. I was afraid if I told her beforehand, my chances would be less.
I had been rejected by her twice. Once in January of this year and once in February. After the awkwardness of bringing it up, I decided to stop talking about it. I tried to make it seem like it didn't bother me, when in true fact, my love for her grew. By March, I broke off my relationship officially with my ex to sort things out. It also would not be fair to stay in a loveless relationship and it would not be fair if I was out and looking while in a relationship. I still question, if letting go the only person who accepted me wholly for who I am, and to this day, still loves me... was a good idea or a terrible idea.
I was continually frustrated, not letting this woman know my feelings for her. Not knowing if she had changed her mind. Not knowing if I had a chance, but in my minds eye I felt inadequate and not in her league. I felt she would want a biological male and not someone born with a birth defect.
Despite the fact she had been understanding when I brought up the transgender topics when the pregnant man was a common hot topic, I felt she wouldn't accept me and give me a chance if she knew. She seemed to be very compassionate and understanding of transgender people, but I didn't know how she would feel about me.
My heart continually ached, I talked to my friends about it and her roommate, who is also my friend. They told me that I had to let her know, once more, how I felt about her, that the feelings were still there. I told them that it wouldn't matter, that I would be rejected again. I realize I was wrong, and I should have gone forward with it, even if she didn't want to be more than friends, that she should know. I planned on writing up an e-mail last week, but didn't know when to write or send it. And then I was too late.
I accidentally found from her roommate that she had gotten a boyfriend. And my intuition knew what happened before anything more could be said. I fell into a panic attack and the anxiety was so much that I felt like I was going to be sick. Then a calmness rushed over me, I believe it was the Lord bringing a calmness over me, tell me that it was OK and to have hope.
Apparently she didn't know I'm still in love with her.
So I wondered if I should write the e-mail anyway, and under the encouragement of the roommate and the roommate's boyfriend, I went ahead and sent a heart felt e-mail about how I truly feel about her down to the very last detail. I let her know I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.
I know its likely it wont do a thing, and even if it does, I still have to deal with telling her I'm FTM. However, I just can't help but feel a sense of hope.
On the other hand, I am dismayed and distraught. I have a hard enough time believing a woman would accept me for me as it is, I try to be confident... but... deep inside I'm hurting, even if others can't see it.
I can't be mad right now... I just see no point.
