I don't think I'm 100% ready to go to therapy just yet, and most of it has to do with me wanting all the information I can get. The other half is me being indecisive about when and so on. But theres another half to it too, and its a root to a lot of my depression and anguish.

Have any of you ever felt like it wouldn't be 'real' enough to go through T and surgery? Sometimes to me, it feels like it'd be so fake. I know I'm supposed to be male, but growing inside a female body has been really tiring on me. I wish I could just wake up one day, and my body would be 'healed' and it'd be the way its supposed to be. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and the only way I can change my body is if I go through the therapy and all that jazz.

I don't know, it just sometimes I feel like my body would be second rate male. I want to go through with it, I want the changes to happen... its just sometimes it gets eerie on how artificial the experience might be.

Has anyone been through something like this before?

I've seen the results and no way would you be second rate.  T is awesome in its results; top surgery has been perfected by numerous surgeons.  Bottoms may be lacking still but a penis doesn't make a  man (coming from a guy with serious dysphoria issues there!)

The longer I go on in my transition the easier it is.  Taking concrete steps makes it real.  When two gender therapists agree with the diagnosis within 5 minutes of meeting me well it's kinda obvious, LOL.

I want the world to perceive me as a male.  I want my body congruent with my gender identity.  And I want my prosthetic!! (oops, wrong thread).

Jay

Hi, Monty. The short answer to your question is "yes." Others do go through such desires.

There have been times in my life that I truly thought that would occur, puberty was the biggie. Breasts swelled and became excruciatingly sore and I was simply thrilled, sure that my change was happening. It didn't, but when I began taking AAs and E I got the exact same response from the boobs.

And there have been other times that I wished very much, kinda like Virginia Woolf's Orlando, to fall into a deep sleep and simply become female. ... If wishes were horses.

It's always a big step and to have ambivalent thoughts and reactions about going through any process of change seems awfully natural to me. It's difficult to share your inmost hopes and desires, your self with a stranger, one you simply hope will find some means of understanding you, but the truth is, few do.

Truth is though, if you can steel yourself you can get the work done, the physical work anyhow, and go forward into being who you are and allowing that evolution to occur without the struggles with the physical bits. 

Yes, some of us, at the least, understand where you may be right now. Go with Mother, luv.



Nichole

pfft.... ive seen one of the manliest men EVER with no penis.  T does wonders.  i can dig up a link if you insist.  hes a hottie too.  lol

Thanks, Jay. I guess I'm a little worried how the world is going to perceive me... more so the women. I don't plan on bottom surgery, and I guess I'm concerned they'd pick a guy who has a natural male body. Perhaps its just a case of worrying of whether I'll fit in or not. You're probably right about it feeling more natural when you take those concrete steps with transitioning. Thats one thing I'll have to consider.

And thanks Nichole, I guess thats one way to look at it. Perhaps I just need to push forward with the only viable way to get where I need to be. Theres no other way I can really accomplish my goal, so perhaps just accepting that its the only way is the best way to deal with it... perhaps then it will feel natural for me.

Be my guest, Jonas. I'd love to see some of the effects T can have and how effective it is. I've seen some good ones and some... that well... I suppose it must have been early stages or might have been slow. Even so, I haven't seen a whole lot of FTM on T.

a good place o find people in all areas o transition is youtube.  just type in FTM and you get a wealth of vids.  you get to see people at each step of they way.  and i'll link to the pic since it may not be appropriate to post the pic like BLAM right here.

http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/HowMany/LCnude.jpg

Yeah I saw him on tv the other day. He's got some great photos.

i hope i don't get bashed by some of the very thoughtful and very kind FTM's here, but, you know, being a dude is just really no big deal.

i know, i know! that's easy for me to say, as an MTF.

but seriously, the kind of things that make you a stand out person are accessible to both males and females. if you can continue to work on those things, then why should you transition? there is nothing inherently "better" about being a male or about being a female.

-Ell

ps.
uh, just my opinion. not meant to replace professional guidance.

Thanks for the tip and the pic, Jonas. And daaaaaaang, you're right, he does look really manly. Looks like some nice outcomes... that really does help actually.

Don't worry, Ell, I see what you're trying to say. I guess its just really important to me that I match up to the gender that I feel I am inside. I could go the rest of my life with the body I have now, and I know appearance isn't everything, but it just doesn't feel right for me. I'd rather feel complete as a person than half way.

Hey... I think I figured it out now. 

Quote from: Monty on July 07, 2008, 11:27:29 PM
...
And thanks Nichole, I guess thats one way to look at it. Perhaps I just need to push forward with the only viable way to get where I need to be. Theres no other way I can really accomplish my goal, so perhaps just accepting that its the only way is the best way to deal with it... perhaps then it will feel natural for me.
...

You are most welcome, sir. These journeys all resemble one another a lot, don't they? I've often wondered if for every FTM there isn't an MTF whose lives shouldn't have somehow have gotten exchanged as physical reality anyhow. 'twould make it a lot easier on us all I expect.

So, failing that, we can at least share together and see the intersections of our lives.

Sometime, let me lean on you when I am down, please? That will be more than thanks enough.

Nichole

We've all been there, Monty. My biggest fear before transition was that I'd be stuck in the middle and be not-quite man. T does do miracles, although it is a longer process than I first thought it would be. I do wish there were better options for bottom surgery, but I'm happy with what I've got so far. Some books that might help with seeing the possibilities are "Body Alchemy" by Loren Cameron (where the pic that Jonas linked is from), and "Phallus Palace" by Dean Kotula.

Some women do care about the lack of a penis. Some women also want tall men. There will always be people who are not attracted to you because of a physical feature, but there are others who will find you attractive exactly the way you are. The awkward bit is explaining exactly how you are to those who do need to know, but once you get through it once, it gets easier.

The important bit is whether you like you. And that's a part that therapy can help you through.

Dennis

Sure thing, Nichole. 

Thanks Dennis, I'll take a look at those books. And I'm sure therapy will help me through it... I admit, I really do need to like myself better.

Quote from: Monty on July 07, 2008, 10:39:38 PM
Have any of you ever felt like it wouldn't be 'real' enough to go through T and surgery? Sometimes to me, it feels like it'd be so fake.

hey dude not me u do what u gotta do & u work w/what u got!  enough for who? u? or da girl or dude u're with?  I'm as real as any bio dude.  who's 2 say u or I aint "real"? sorry but thats bull->-bleeped-<-!

You know what, Chris? I think you're absolutely right.

And if someone doesn't think I'm 'real' enough then I guess their opinion doesn't really matter to me. I've always been male, I may not look like it right now, but at least I know I am. And I think I'm starting to overcome some of these insecurities that are getting in my way of being who I'm meant to be. 

Quote from: Monty on July 12, 2008, 02:27:41 AM
You know what, Chris? I think you're absolutely right.

And if someone doesn't think I'm 'real' enough then I guess their opinion doesn't really matter to me. I've always been male, I may not look like it right now, but at least I know I am. And I think I'm starting to overcome some of these insecurities that are getting in my way of being who I'm meant to be. 

 

When I first started transitioning I didn't want to transition unless I could finish it. I thought either I transition and have a normal body or I kill myself. I decided to transition because I didn't want to give up without trying. I didn't know what if any options for surgery I had. If I had believed at the time that my options would be limited to the current phallo and metidio I would have killed myself.

Once I found out my surgical options were, to put it mildly, limited. I had to decide and I knew I couldn't go back to before. I decided to focus on the other stages of my transition and when I was ready make the choice on whether it was possible.

Now I have completed every other step and I had to look honestly at the whole penis thing. I realized personally that if I wasn't going to get my own penis (with  my personal requirements) that I would kill myself but like before I was going to fight like hell to get what I needed to live. Now in a few short months my penis will be done and I didn't have to sacrifice what I wanted. When the time was right I found the ways I needed to move forward to achieve my goals. I would never have dreamed that I would be where I am but I am. I am happy with myself or will be in a few months.

Incidentally I don't date ->-bleeped-<-->-bleeped-<-s, lesbians or people who aren't interested in me more then my body. I have found many women who would be happy to be with me for who I am of which being trans in part of. Some knew my status before and other after but they didn't mind. Trust me no matter how unique you are you can find someone who will be attracted to you for you.

Testosterone will work but it will take time. I have never know anyone without a medical issue that testosterone didn't work on. However none of this means transition is right for you. Only one who know is you and sometimes it takes time to figure out if it is the best choice. First of all it is ok to start and go this isn't for me or to reach a point at any time where you say this is enough for me regardless of what anyone says. This is what the real life experience is all about. Secondly it is also ok to say this isn't the right time to do it. I have always said when you know that you can't do this anymore is when you transition and have surgery never before though. People should feel internally compelled to do this and should not be unsure of their decision.

->-bleeped-<-boy

->-bleeped-<-boy

Fake? No way. I'm just really... down. You know? I can't ever really have a real penis. And that well, weighs me down. But T and top surgery? VERY effective. It's usually really nice work... I'm quite impressed. I just know the inside of my pants will never be normal. But does that make transition not worth it? No way. I'd be happier as a guy and forever a virgin because no one can stand that I don't have a dick than being a girl who's had a thousand men but unhappy about myself and my body. I'd rather be alone and a guy than a girl showered with praise and affection. I really feel that way.