Since realizing that I don't have to live my life in the prison of my false female identity i have become a little too confident in situations where i could seriously get my assed kicked, or worse. When people judge me based on my appearance I come very close to shoving it back in their face. Before learning about FTM's i was always ashamed, but now I have a weird feeling of empowerment. Don't get me wrong, it's important to be proud of who you are and everything, but i don't seem to get scared in situations where my safety could be at stake. Only after the fact when i think things over do i realize how my assertiveness could have branded me. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm not on T or anything, but am often read physically as a 14 or 15 year old boy (I just turned 21). I'm 5' 4'', 120lbs and although i go to the gym almost everyday, I know i could not really defend myself against an average sized guy with an attitude. I can't understand why I get these sudden urges to "fight back" so to speak.

I got my ass kicked a lot as a kid.

So my mom made me study marital arts.

Then I went on the road with rock bands.

Then I learned I liked to fight.

So. I've kicked ass as girl.

And liked it.

I don't know either, Freedom. BTW, welcome to Susan's. Please take some time to read The Site Rules and on The Main Page you can discover Links, Chat and Wiki for your use as well. You might also want to go to the "Announcements" section and read the two posts "Post Ranks" and "Reputation Rules" to help you with some knowledge about when you can apply your own avatars, PM, and what those lil stars mean beneath all of our names and how to get them for yourself as well!!


But, I have also seen MTFs who seem to have every confidence in their personal strength even after a while on HRT and they have probably lost a lot of muscle mass and may find themselves not as strong as they think should push actually come to shove.

Personally, I think level of self-confidence grows when people go about being themselves and I think that tis often translates into maybe an over-abundance of confidence in some areas.

Please don't mistake assertive and aggressive though. No one should get their plow cleaned in that fashion. The guys will probably be in to give you their views which I would imagine you'll find much more insightful than mine.

All the best, Freedom,

Nichole

Read the Frailty Myth, seriously. I think it will help give reason to your self confidence :3

I consider myself pretty damn tough. I always have, even when I was the token crybaby of my class as a child (no one knew what I went through at home, so I figured crying at school was ok sometimes). I certainly don't go out looking for confrontation, but if someone has a problem with the way I dress, act, or behave, I'll defend myself. Of course I'll try to use words and talk my way out of any bad situation (as a writer, I can be pretty damn eloquent when I try), but if someone attacks me, I've found that I'm a rather scrappy fighter. Being tough doesn't mean one has to fight fair. -_- (My secret weapons are my steel-toed boots and teeth. >_>)

I know since I started on T, I've had the strange urge to punch a guy who pisses me off occasionally. Luckily the more sane part of my mind overrules it, but for me it's odd to have the impulse in the first place. And it's usually some guy who's a lot bigger than me. (Mainly cause most guys are a lot bigger than me.)

So some part of my brain clearly thinks I'm tougher than I am.

Dennis

I am not that tough, in fact I am a huge wuss and a crybaby. But if I had to defend myself I think that I could do it.....maybe.

Nope.

I weigh about 83lbs. I'm 5'3". My bones are very small. I for some time was too weak to walk up stairs without assistance. I'm borderline cripple, and soon may be undergoing some body conditioning to regain normal strength. I keep dreaming of the day after I transition when I somehow pick a bone with some guy and I end up with broken arms or a broken face.

But am I aggressive? Absolutely. And will I fight? Hell yeah. But will I win? Never. Never, never, never. Usually it takes a 13 year old one arm to pin me. So I'm mostly a yeller. But that makes people call me a "bitch," say that only a "woman" would take that approach, and that a "real man" would fight. So I ask them about old men and cripples. And they ask me if I'm an old man or a cripple. I'm not, but I might as well be a cripple. I can't do anything. I've been eating normally and nothing is happening to my body. My thyroid is healthy. My genetics were supposed to make me thin, not le petite. My ass still fits into a size 0. That's how damn small I am. I'm like a Ken doll; I'm made of plastic and I have no dick. Drop me and I'll crack.

I am not going to proclaim "toughness" or "manliness." It's simple. I can take a lot of physical pain, and I will fight with my all. But next to other men? My full strength is about as much as one of his arms. So I never end up doing anything worthwhile. I've stopped trying. I'm one of the dainty guys who's lost his confidence. I have no mojo.

Being a man shouldn't be about fighting and being tough. But it is. So I worry that I'll never be a normal guy. I'll always be some dainty little kid who might as well be made of tissue paper. T isn't going to make me stronger or taller or bigger. It might help me bulk up a little bit, but not enough. My arm is still going to be small enough to snap like a twig. My hands will still be too small to get a firm grip on a rope and I'll never be able to swing a hammer like a "real man." I lack just about everything that falls under manliness; strength, valor, a masculine body composition, height, voice, and well, the biggest issue, the lacking of a penis, which by most people's standards really "defines" a man. Most people I've talked to say that I'd be a woman no matter what... if I just "sewed" a dick on I'd just be a woman wearing a dick.

And sometimes I think they're right.

I have the "ideal" girl's body, according to the media. I don't have big boobs, but I am that miniature size that a lot of guys want to ->-bleeped-<-. But I don't want that attention. I'm tired of guys checking out my ass like I'm a sweet piece of meat. I don't think they'll ever see me as another guy.

My confidence has gone completely down the toilet. So many transguys are succeeding much more than me. With strength, size... A lot of transguys I've known are at least 5'5", a height I'm sure I'll never be... they take T and they suddenly pass 100%. I feel like I'll never really pass as a guy my age... I'll always look 5 years younger, which is not flattering on a man.

I'm hoping I'll come out of this depressing slump. Just a few days ago I was burning with confidence. But now I just feel like a "pathetic little woman" trying to be something "she's" not. And that's how a lot of people (straight & cisgendered) tend to address me.

Elwood, I've said before, you should count yourself lucky you've got a bit of height on you. How would you feel if you were four eleven, like me? You can't go around saying you'll never be a real man or whatever you said (I'm not stopping to quote you here) simply because you're small. I've learned to deal with being little. Until you accept yourself the way you are, you'll never be happy. Haven't you realized yet that physical attributes, no matter how much you dislike them, will never stop you from being a dude? Even a "normal" guy. No one but you thinks one has to be large to be a man. (And don't bother getting all confrontational with me--I'm not trying to start an argument.)

There are all kinds of toughness in the world. Physical toughness is just one. And I think all you guys are showing a tremendous amount of toughness just by dealing with the issues you face being stuck in the wrong body. It takes a certain amount of mental toughness and courage to walk this path, regardless of how physically overbearing you may or may not be.

I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes. It's from the movie Rocky Balboa, and this says it better than I ever could:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

I'd say I'm tough, but sometimes I lack the weight. That doesn't stop me though...

Its not that I think I'm tougher than I really am, its just that I want to prove I can do things and be tough. I feel like I'm always having to prove something to others because a lot of the time they say, "you can't do that, you're too such and such."

I think I'm pretty much a coward. Size has nothing to do with it to me, but I've always hated conflict so I've always run away from it.

Quote from: Yochanan on July 15, 2008, 04:56:18 PM
Elwood, I've said before, you should count yourself lucky you've got a bit of height on you. How would you feel if you were four eleven, like me? You can't go around saying you'll never be a real man or whatever you said (I'm not stopping to quote you here) simply because you're small. I've learned to deal with being little. Until you accept yourself the way you are, you'll never be happy. Haven't you realized yet that physical attributes, no matter how much you dislike them, will never stop you from being a dude? Even a "normal" guy. No one but you thinks one has to be large to be a man. (And don't bother getting all confrontational with me--I'm not trying to start an argument.)

I guess you have a point, but are you done growing? I've seen tons of doctors (which is like, 3, lol) that tell me I'm done growing because I started my period at 13.

I don't know. I find it hard to be a "normal" guy without a penis. If a girl (or guy) wants to get close to me, I'd have to ruin the moment and tell them that we can't just slide into sexual merriment. I'd have to "set up" first. Because I have to put my penis on every day.

Not to be overly confrontational, but I don't recall saying that being tall was REQUIRED for manhood. I just want to be typical. As average (and boring, actually) as possible. But if I'm short, I'm interesting. In a way that I don't consider good.

wow, lots of feedback! Thanks guys and gals. And thank you Kestin for telling me about Frailty Myth; I'm gonna look for it the next time i go to the library.

Quote from: Elwood on July 15, 2008, 08:12:35 PM
I guess you have a point, but are you done growing? I've seen tons of doctors (which is like, 3, lol) that tell me I'm done growing because I started my period at 13.

I got my period at age 11, I'm 19 and still growing, although slowly. Not everyone is the same though, its kind of hard to gauge these things sometimes.

Quote from: Monty on July 15, 2008, 08:30:49 PM

Quote from: Elwood on July 15, 2008, 08:12:35 PM
I guess you have a point, but are you done growing? I've seen tons of doctors (which is like, 3, lol) that tell me I'm done growing because I started my period at 13.

I got my period at age 11, I'm 19 and still growing, although slowly. Not everyone is the same though, its kind of hard to gauge these things sometimes.

I'm so glad you mentioned that. Because my doctors said that females stop growing a year after their period. But I'm sure I'm still growing, and my mom said she stopped growing around 22. I might have a couple inches to go if I'm lucky.

Both my mom and dad continued growing for a long time... So I have potential. My dad is 5'11", my mom is 5'4", I think. So I have a chance to catch up to one of them. I say even 5'4" is better than 5'2" and 3/4 (yeah, I'm like a six year old, I count every fraction of an inch).

Nothing wrong with counting that fraction of an inch.  It is what we short people tend to do.  Also, I bear good news.  I am 18 and had my period at 11 and am still growing.  I grew from 153.6 cm to 156.5 cm recently.   There is hope yet.

Fantastic. I've really been eating a diet that will hopefully contribute to bone growth. Even though my doctors said there was no way, I don't believe them. There is still growth hormone in my body.

Mind sending me a PM with the details on that diet? I'm curious.

Haha. I'll just post it. It's nothing big, really.

I'm simply consuming extra protein and calcium and various other substances that contribute to growth and wellness. Simple physiology.