You're wrong!
You're wrong!
It mighty be best not to tell.
I told my wife 4 months ago that I was transgender. I shouldn't have. She told me yesterday that she has nothing none she is alone.  My spouse said she has almost left several times.  I have a boy how has lost all respect for me.  I am growing a beard have clipped my nails and letting my body air grow back. How could I be so selfish?
My wife and family is more important than life too me.  It would have been better not to taste being female than to have tasted it and now have to shut it down. I just hope it not to late for our marriage.
So beware of tell your spouse it might be the end of all you know or care about.

Jillieann

I'm sorry, Jillieann.  It is very hard when family members react so strongly to something they don't understand. 

Once Pandora has opened the box, though, it's hard to get anything backinside.  Closets and lingerie drawers are similar.

A conversation I had with my ex ended up with, "How can I ever trust you again?"


We did separate, and I was full time within a year.  At some point, we have to balance our lives against some pain for ourselves and others.  I chose life.  Along the way, you will have choices to make - such as how happy you can be with someone who denies your existence? 

I don't think we know how to make such choices.  I turned it over to a higher power (choose one) and then was unattached to the outcome.  There was pain on both sides of the equation, but my ex and I each emerged much happier than before, and I'm back with all of my (grown) children.

We'll be here to help you through this.

Hugs.

Robyn

Quote from: Jillieann on May 15, 2006, 05:02:47 PM
You're wrong!
You're wrong!
It mighty be best not to tell.
I told my wife 4 months ago that I was transgender. I shouldn't have. She told me yesterday that she has nothing none she is alone.  My spouse said she has almost left several times.  I have a boy how has lost all respect for me.  I am growing a beard have clipped my nails and letting my body air grow back. How could I be so selfish?
My wife and family is more important than life too me.  It would have been better not to taste being female than to have tasted it and now have to shut it down. I just hope it not to late for our marriage.
So beware of tell your spouse it might be the end of all you know or care about.

Jillieann

This is so unfortunate Jillieann but at the same time it is our reality.  Above all else a person needs to carefully weigh the consequences of their actions.  The need to come out has to be tempered with the need for them to know, and why they need to know, and when you will tell them as to do otherwise can have catastrophic consequences.  Fortunately or unfortunately (depending how you look at it) it would seem that you are getting a second chance with your family.  I truly hope that this works for you and your family, good luck.  On a side note I was wondering if your therapist recommended that you come out?

Take care.

Steph

I am sorry also Jillieann, it is unfortunate that your family reacted as they did.  But didn't you kind of expect it?

As Stephanie says, this is our reality.  Most of us who transition face this possiblity, losing our family, our spouses, our children.  It is something you should come to terms with before you tell them.

Going back is not easy, your family already knows and has formed their opinion of you.  I give you credit for trying to go back for them, all I can say is good luck.  It is not something I could do.

Sarah L.

Hi Jillieann,

I am sorry it worked out the way it did.  I wish you the best.  Will you let us know how things progress? 

Shaun

Quote from: Jillieann on May 15, 2006, 05:02:47 PM
You're wrong!
You're wrong!
It mighty be best not to tell.
I told my wife 4 months ago that I was transgender. I shouldn't have. She told me yesterday that she has nothing none she is alone.  My spouse said she has almost left several times.  I have a boy how has lost all respect for me.  I am growing a beard have clipped my nails and letting my body air grow back. How could I be so selfish?
My wife and family is more important than life too me.  It would have been better not to taste being female than to have tasted it and now have to shut it down. I just hope it not to late for our marriage.
So beware of tell your spouse it might be the end of all you know or care about.

Jillieann

Jillieann,

I am sorry things have worked out the way that they have.  And I echo all the sentiments that have been expressed.

I am going to ask some very blunt questions from someone who has been struggling with ->-bleeped-<- for 40+ years.

Jillieann has a face, a voice and a personality.  Now that Jillieann has expressed herself, do you think it is possible for her to disappear?  Is it possible to go back to "how thngs were?"  Have you already crossed the Rubicon?  Will the internal struggle to make Jillieann vanish create so much stress that it will adversely affect your health?  (Think heart attack from the stress and internal conflict.)

Only you can answer these questions.  I know my answer, but you need to do what is best for you as well as your family.

I am not trying to be insulting or harsh.  And I humbly beg your forgiveness if I come across as such.  It is not my intent or desire.  I am only asking you the same questions I ask myself every day. 

I truly wish you all the best in whatever direction life takes you.  Go with God.

Chaunte

Jillieann,
   
      Hey, I know what you are going through because I am going through the same thing right now. When I told my 14 year old daughter that I need to be a man since that is what I am, on the inside she took int very hard. We are very close but this is putting a strain on or relationship. The woman I am with for 7 months, her daughter is the best friend of my daughter. The whole thing has become very complicated, she is in the middle of a bad divorce, her ex blaming me nad calling it a lesbian relationship, which it is not, she is stright and I will be a man physically soon. Even now when we are in public and if no one knows me they assume I am male. It has been hard to actually start going through with this now only because of my kidds. I have 4. Dont ask why. I started transition 17 years ago, but did a 360 to plrase my mother at the time. Now she is gone 3 years now, and I still need to be who I am. It has been bumpy, but it will be fine down the road. The difference is I have the support of my to be ex-husband and my second daughter who is only going to be 12 understands and is supportive like she is 20 or something. Also I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman I am with. It is alot to ask of any child to understand, but in time they will. Remember you are the same  on the inside nomatter what the outside is. Let your son know you will always love him nomatter what. Live for you, not others. I tried that and thought I could change. never. WE cant.

                                        Marco

Jillieann, if you're still here, I want to say how sorry I am that things have turned out this way for you; you have all my sympathy for the pain you must be going through right now.

I also want you to know that what I am about to say isn't directed specifically at you; I certainly don't want to hurt you any more than you have already been hurt, but I think it needs to be said and this is as good a place as any to say it.

All of us in this community want nothing but good things for the people we've come to know here. Most of us know how important a few words of encouragement have been to us at critical moments, and we want to provide that same encouragement for others. But there is a danger.

We see someone going through all the pain and turmoil of wrestling with the decisions they have to make, and we want to tell them that it will be okay, that everything will work out. But we need to be careful; we need to remember that sometimes things aren't okay, and sometimes they don't work out.

We have to be realistic. The need to transition, or the need to come out to people close to us is so strong that it's easy to deceive ourselves; we read all the stories of wonderful, understanding spouses and friends, of passing when we never thought we would, and those stay in our minds. We don't remember the stories of divorce, recrimination, and being outed in public because that's not the way we want it to be for us. We become blind to the realities of our own situation.

So should we stop encouraging people? Of course not. Give them the kind words and reassurances they need, but point out the possibilities. Give them tips on how to make things go smoothly, but also give them tips on how to deal with the pain and rejection that may come.

I've been incredibly lucky so far, without a single bad experience. But I know that I've been lucky, and that my luck could run out at any time. Unfortunately, the reality is that there are a lot of people out there who either can't or won't understand who we are and what we're about, and feel threatened and even disgusted by us. We shouldn't be surprised when we meet them.

Annie

I dont know many answers to life's problems, but i wish you well and hope your choice leads you to the right place.

The road of any TG is filled with heartbreak, from what I have seen in other websites, posts, and news/tv programs. Probably one of the highest groups with great prejudice, limits, bounds, and misunderstandings.

Relationships is one thing even more vague and puzzling, by me and maybe more of you experiencing life as a TG. I dont know the statistics, but I am sure that they are not favorable.

All I can do is know what I like, know who I love, and live life with the cards that are dealt

I can learn and understand makeup and my own version of femininity. I can only know what kind of partner I am attracted to , and hope that they feel a little something towards me also. Marraige is something I havent experienced, and I have never had children. My partner has known about my TG before we moved in with each other.

I dont know what my post is saying. Just feel bad.

I'm so sorry you are ahving a tough time.  Unfortunately, one is transgendered for life and it will eventually come back around.  I myself have lost my wife.  We thought we were going to stay together and she decided she needed to be with a man.  It is unfortunate, but I can't stop my transition.  Too much pain with not moving forward.  I also know that this really was a necessary step for me to get to where I need to be.

When I first started, I thought I would be strong enough to handle not transitioning all the way so that I could stay with my wife, but I was still in denial at that point.  I have come to realize that this is much more intense in me than I had ever realized.  There is the possibility of pain every day, but there is also the opportunity for joy.

There are many losses I have experienced as a result of being TS.  I have lost my church, my job, my wife and my parents (plus that whole side of the family).  The only things I do have at this point are my kids and friends (wife included).  I am not looking for another relationship at this point, because I know in all honesty that I'm not ready for one.  I now have an uncanny knack for making friends easily; both TS and non-TS.

Again, there are always risks associated with transitioning and most people end up losing far more than they ever gain.  It sucks to be transgendered, but there's not really any control over that.  Good luck with trying to reunite the family.  If you're like me, I imagine you are at least following this thread since you started it and want to hear everyone's reaction.  I hope you are able to find happiness in whatever form it may come.

Melissa

To be honest and blunt, I am not wrong. If I loose everything because I 'choose' to transition then I loose everything (life included). I have nowhere else to go, no hope left. No reasons left. I love my parents more than words can describe, but they will not stop my attempt at being myself.

I am very sorry what you are facing Jillieann, I really am. But you must face who you love more. You must come to grips with what you can tolerate and what you can stand. For some it is possible to sacrifice ourselves for the ones we love. Not all of us are that strong.

Jillieann, I wish you, your spouse and your child what will benefit you each most.

We are and will remain here if you should ever need.

Jillean,
I am so sorry that you are going through a rough time.  Do not give up hope.  If you and your wife love one another then there is hope that she may someday understand you.  I wear a beard for the sake of my wife, but she has come to see that I am not going to change into somebody else and that being transgendered is part of what makes me who I am.  We make compromises and we go on loving.  Don't give up on loving your wife, but don't give up on being who you are either.
Louise

Words cannot adequately express my sorrow for your troubles, Jilleann.  What happened to you is just as likely, if not probable, to happen any of us who awoke to who we are after we were married.  I hope your strategy will work for you and that your family's happiness will be assured by it.

The choice you make is yours, Jilleann, and I hope it works for you but I have to take issue with one thing.  You wrote, "How could I be so selfish?"  I believe that expressing yourself as you feel you are inside is natural and not at all selfish.  I think all people should have the right to be whomever they are.  I'm afraid I think it's selfish of someone to ask another person to bury and deny themselves simply to maintain a comfortable status quo.  A refusal to learn about what being transgendered is all about is a symptom of that selfishness, in my opinion.

I hope things work out so that you can continue to visit Susan's and contribute from your point of view, especially if your visits help you deal with your reality.  I hope I'm not too presumptuous to say, "We'll be here for you no matter what."  I will be, for sure.

helen

Even though I am not married, but I can relate with this situation. My entire family is so much against me transitioning that at times I feel as though I'm swimming against a tide. But I have come to a point in my life where I must do what is best for me,and suffer the consequences that come along with it. So early next year I will be starting HRT and hopefully by the middle of next year or sooner I will be living full time with my name legally changed. 

Gina 

Jillieann, you have touched my heart with the sorrow you are experiencing.  I am truely sorry for the circumstance you find yourself in.  I hope it works out for you and that you can repair the ruptured relationship with your wife.

I find myself in a similar situation and based on my experience it is hard to deny your inner self.  It can be suppressed, denied, expunged, but in time Jillieann will either resurface or you will live with an emptiness inside.  I base this strictly on my experience of trying to live up to other peoples expectations.

I don't accept that it is selfish to be yourself.  It is a lot of things, but trying to be true to yourself is not selfish.  I came out to my wife about the same time you did and it has been a rocky road and there have been times I wish I hadn't done it, but then I remember how miserable I was and how much happier I am today even with the marital issues we are dealing with.

I wish you well and hope you find the happiness you are longing for.  Being a transwoman is not easy and each of us must make the decision how to cope and live for ourselves.  You will be in my prayers tonight.

Hugs, Molly

Hi all,
Thank you for your responses.
I am feeling better now. Just got back from a therapy session.
Now to answer some of your question.

First:  Steph, no my therapist did not recommended that you come out. At the time I came out I didn't have one. 
It was many well meaning people here at Susan's that told me that I needed to.
So I did.

Second:  Chaunte, You said, "Jillieann has a face, a voice and a personality.  Now that Jillieann has expressed herself, do you think it is possible for her to disappear?" My answer is NO. 
You also ask, "Is it possible to go back to "how things were?"
My answer again is No.
I don't want to be what I was before. I am still changing and becoming ... I'm not sure what yet.  Jilleann lives.

Third:  Annie Social, Your right when you said, "All of us in this community want nothing but good things for the people we've come to know here. Most of us know how important a few words of encouragement have been to us at critical moments, and we want to provide that same encouragement for others. But there is a danger.
We see someone going through all the pain and turmoil of wrestling with the decisions they have to make, and we want to tell them that it will be okay, that everything will work out. But we need to be careful; we need to remember that sometimes things aren't okay, and sometimes they don't work out."
Please just be careful what you tell hurting lonely people.

Fourth: HelenW you said, "I believe that expressing yourself as you feel you are inside is natural and not at all selfish.  I think all people should have the right to be who ever they are.  I'm afraid I think it's selfish of someone to ask another person to bury and deny themselves simply to maintain a comfortable status quo."
Yes your partly right.  But when your right, of self expression, harms and or destroys relationships with ones closes to you heart is it not selfish. 
Try this.
I am Jillieann with or without a dress.
True.
And if I wear a dress and do have that right,
True.
and it hurts one I love
True.
and I don't really need it
I just said that.
I am being selfish.
True.

Fifth:  Kimberly You said, "... you must face who you love more. You must come to grips with what you can tolerate and what you can stand. For some it is possible to sacrifice ourselves for the ones we love. Not all of us are that strong.
Thank you for getting to the heart of the issue. I've always tried to avoid people like you  .  I like your honest words.
But I do believe you are too black and white. There are many shades of gray in between the two. I am working on a middle ground now.
Any real relationship is built on some compromises on both sides. Where I can compromise without losing myself I will were I can I won't.

Yes Helen you know what I am saying and where I am heading, thank you for your kind words.

Also thank you Robyn, Sarah, Shaun, Kendra, Melissa, Gina.
It does help just know you are here and are willing to listen to this crazy transgender person.

Jillieann

Jillieann,
            I'm sorry things did not work out for you the way you wanted it to. I certainly hope you can work it out and repair the damage. It must be real tough not being able to express your female side now.

I wish you well
Peace be with you my friend

(((hugs)))
Owen

Jillieann, I'm sorry for what has happened. However, is it possible that when you read the posts at Susan's, you read what you wanted to read and gave little credence to what you didn't? I don't think anyone has unreservedly said 'come out and damn the consequences'. People may be optimistic and I do think it's important to encourage people, but I also think that there have been enough posts about losing spouses and the potential negative consequences that both sides are presented.

In any event, I do wish you the best and I hope things work out. You can't close the closet door once it's been opened, but on the other hand, if you don't open it, you're hiding something very important about yourself. I couldn't live with the latter in a relationship and I lost my marriage because of it. In the long run, I compare how I feel now to how I felt when I was hiding, and I feel much better now. So does my ex. Our last year of marriage was hell, thanks to this issue largely, and me hiding it from us and from me. Your mileage may vary. Perhaps some people can hide important facts about themselves and continue in a relationship.

Dennis

Jilliann
I am so sorry that the tide has turned for you.
there are many things you may call yourself but selfish is not one of them.
The jilliann i know is a loving and caring person who puts family above all.
She will do anything to keep close the loved ones she holds so dear.

That is not being selfish it is sacrifice.

It shows the true love that you have for your wife and family.

Know that.

Hold that love dearly.


Best Wishes
KateAlice

Jilliann, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know the family is important but so are you and your happiness.
I really doubt that you can put Jilliann back in the closet now when she's tasted the freedom. I still remember
how happy you was when you was out shopping in the mall etc ... so this must be really hard for you right now.

**I wish you all the best**


* *

Michelle