Yes! Describe it as a needle phobia. Then you'll sound really smart, hehe.

Here's an article to help you better understand Trypanophobia (Fear of Needles): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trypanophobia

Wikipedia isn't always the best resource but it's a good place to start, anyway. Wikipedia's article doesn't really talk about the psychological cures, but trust me, they do exist.

Hahaha she thinks I read too much as it is. I used all sorts of big words with her when I began describing the syptoms I had and the reasons I thought I was seeing her, now she'll just be all "oh, what has Tai read now...." if I mention trypanophobia.

When I came out to her this week about being a guy, her first question was "what have you been reading" and being the prideful person that I am, I didn't even want to mention susans and have her think I've been brainwashed or something... I know what I'm doing..

I did that too. My therapist was like, "stop reading this stuff." She said I knew too much. I'm mad about that. Usually I'm praised for being smart.

I feel the same way. My mom thinks I was "brainwashed" into being trans. But I know she's wrong about that...

In my experience shots are the middle ground but aren't safer. They raise your estrogen levels higher and have great risk of infection/ complication. Pellets are best for long term treatment and I would argue are safer. They are the original method of TRT and very effective. The drawbacks are clear, minor surgery to implant and they must be removed by surgery to stop treatment. However you can stop treatment with a pellet and can't with a shot and the testosterone in a shot isn't normal testosterone and has to be processed more by the liver. There are other differences as well but to get deeper means looking into exactly what is being done and added to the testosterone. Make your choice.

Trap- if you decided to take HRT by injection look into a long term mixed ester testosterone like sustanon or nebio *spelling is wrong on Nebio*. It is a larger injection but longer between shots. It is the difference between 12 shots or 2. On the other hand some guys really like the gel. Talk to your therapist because it is far easier to give injections yourself then go to the doctor.

Excuse me for a minute while I bang my head against a wall. An educated consumer is not a bad client. Lots of therapists are threatened by a knowledgeable client but that doesn't mean the client should stop reading. However just because you think you have symptom x, doesn't mean you have symptom x and using official terms can confuse your professional. The problem is whatever symptom you have could be symptom x but it is the same as symptom a, b, c, d, e, f... and if they assume you are correct they will misdiagnoses and mistreat you. It is always better to describe your symptoms by what happens and not official terms. That way they have a better chance of truly understanding you. A good example is my balance issue could be addressed by over 7 specialties and described by over a dozen terms. However only one of those terms actually describes my symptoms in a way the right doctor can connect to the illness I have. I didn't get the right treatment until I had the right combination. It would have been easier if I described it instead of tried to find the right word.

->-bleeped-<-boy

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 01:01:57 AM

---

I am not encouraging you to cut Elwood, that was my method. I am encouraging you to talk and find other ways seriously if you can't control your self harm then you need to address it. Burning your arm against a light falls under serious and severe injury and could morph much faster then you could deal with. Pick up scarification or tattooing with a professional artist, ask your doctor (or me if you are comfortable) to take you through safe and non-safe injuries, talk to me or another professional about how to care for wounds, don't be afraid to go to the doctor if something goes wrong, use clean instruments and properly care for the wound after. That is being a responsible self harmer that way if the psych system gets you, there is still a way out.

I would say I self harm about 1 out of every 20 times I want to. I am learning how to live with my emotions and that takes time. Injuring bought me that time and I won't negate what it did for me. I still self injure but I am alive, my scars bring my closer to people and I can get better. You also need to be accountable to someone you trust. If not your self harm will get out of control. You need to be able to talk about what happened to make you do this. It is alright to say the world was overwhelming me and instead of doing some thing worse I did this. The trusted person shouldn't attack you but should look at what happened and try to help you to figure it out. It isn't alright to just hurt yourself and hurt yourself without ever looking at why.

->-bleeped-<-boy

Responsible self-harmer? uh, ->-bleeped-<-boy, are you talking about tattooing or something?

Tattooing, scarification, body mod etc but done it with the proper equipment, by either trained professionals or getting trained yourself and doing it in a safe and controlled manner. I would call what I do responsible self harm. I use new sterile scapels, sterile gloves, clean the area, properly clean, bandage and protect the wound. I put my sharps in a sharps been and never leave an area unsafe. I make sure if something is wrong to get help but with responsible harm reduction, I haven't had any ill effects from cutting my body and I have known others like myself as well. Not everyone is capable of that though and if you aren't you need to work with a responsible harm reduction therapist to find safe outlets to your pain. Talking work better most of the time for me but that is now. It wasn't always like that and there are times when a little bit of pain is better then any talking. I probably will self harm until the day I die and odds are that won't be that long a time.

Incidentally I also support safe injection sites, needle exchanges and even doctor supervised and prescribed addictions. I believe nothing makes some one change, when they are ready they will. In the mean time I would like to keep them alive and safer until they are ready to walk away from it. You have to be alive to change.

->-bleeped-<-boy

Quote from: Elwood on July 20, 2008, 08:25:14 PM
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I missed this before:

Quote from: Jamie-o on July 19, 2008, 07:31:36 PMI can't help you much with RLE, since I will be starting T before going full time.

How do you do that?

The H.B. Standard calls for min. 3 months of therapy or RLE.  It's really up to your therapist in the end, though, to decide when s/he's comfortable giving you your T letter.  I laid out my ideal timeline/scenario for my therapist, and he said, "That sounds reasonable to me." (I'm looking to start T next winter/spring, so I will be passable when I go back to school to finish my degree in the fall.)

I also got my T letter after 3 months of therapy.  I had also been dressing/presenting as male full time for that time period also, even though I don't pass.  The only thing holding up T is my hysto.  The endo says it will be easier to start T once I'm rid of those parts.

Jay

Quote from: ->-bleeped-<-boy link=topic=39418.msg257752#msg257752 date=1216623707
Tattooing, scarification, body mod etc but done it with the proper equipment, by either trained professionals or getting trained yourself and doing it in a safe and controlled manner. I would call what I do responsible self harm. I use new sterile scapels, sterile gloves, clean the area, properly clean, bandage and protect the wound. I put my sharps in a sharps been and never leave an area unsafe. I make sure if something is wrong to get help but with responsible harm reduction, I haven't had any ill effects from cutting my body and I have known others like myself as well. Not everyone is capable of that though and if you aren't you need to work with a responsible harm reduction therapist to find safe outlets to your pain. Talking work better most of the time for me but that is now. It wasn't always like that and there are times when a little bit of pain is better then any talking. I probably will self harm until the day I die and odds are that won't be that long a time.

Incidentally I also support safe injection sites, needle exchanges and even doctor supervised and prescribed addictions. I believe nothing makes some one change, when they are ready they will. In the mean time I would like to keep them alive and safer until they are ready to walk away from it. You have to be alive to change.

->-bleeped-<-boy

You are the smoothest liar I have ever met.

End of story.

I don't know... he comes across quite sane about it actually

I've never, ever wanted to harm myself... in fact, it squicks me out quite a bit. But if it was something you really couldn't stop, his way sounds the safest.

Uh. I'm so tempted to buy T online, 'cause this... is just dragging on too long.

As for self-harming, substance abuse, paracetamol mainly and sniffing nail varnish or glue until it goes to my head.

->-bleeped-<-boy, just out of interest, is that the way you talk to to your doctors and therapists too?

Yes, this is the way I talk to my therapists, doctors, surgeons etc and they mostly agree with me. I have seen a lot of self harm that ranges from socially acceptable to out of control getting institutionalized self injury. I have seen otherwise perfectly sane men and women go to more extreme lengths to modify their bodies then you or I. I have friends who want to look like lizards and friends that enjoy other senses but the medical profession and public tend to treat them like they are insane. The only reason cutting is considered abnormal is because those around us don't think it is normal.

To be clear, I have been cleared by one gender programme and about to be cleared by another. I have seen over 3 dozen doctors in my process and 4 therapists and no one has ever been able to say I am not trans or insane.

As for online T, I know guys who do it and haven't suffered yet and I know guys who have had problems. Some places are better then other and some people are comfortable doing it. Most doctors will monitor you if you tell them you are taking it and won't stop. I have bought other medications online with a prescription and it was fine. I am not comfortable with no prescription place because there is no accountability.

->-bleeped-<-boy

I personally would not trust an online source. That's my unprofessional opinion. 

I used to bite myself to cool off when was younger.  Left no permanent marks but was painful enough to distract me from my anger for a bit.  Unfortunately they still decided to stick me in a mental hospital for 3-4 weeks.  Ended up drugged up and slow and unable to concentrate.  But I stopped bitting myself only for my anger to go towards hitting things. (which again I sometimes hit hard enough to hurt some and it stuns me out of my anger lol)

I just introduced myself on the intro forum. Beware. I am long-winded.

Some of the stuff that you guys are talking about on this thread is so damned familiar. Not being able to think about anything but FTM stuff--although I'm gay, too, so I'm always thinking about gay FTM stuff. Hating my body so much that I don't want to shower. Cutting...which I used to do but don't anymore...although I seriously considered it again this past month or so. I used to do other self-destructive stuff, too, but I've never been hospitalized for it.

God, it feels fantastic to find this forum. I knew that I wasn't alone, but I did FEEL alone.

Not sure if this was already covered...

When I first started the process a set of standards (which unfortunately I do not remember the name of) were presented to me. I was to complete at least 3 months of therapy from a licensed professional before I could do anything. Mentally, my therapist considered me to be extremely levelheaded and on the right track so I was only scheduled once a week. We would talk about the future, my goals, and who I hope to become. After the three months, she wrote a summary of the information I provided her and recommended me for hormones.
Two weeks later, I received my first shot of T and self-injected ever since. It is very simple but I have issues jabbing myself so it tends to take me longer to slowly push it in. It's not painful and definitely not enjoyable but I cannot jab a needle into myself and hope I don't miss where I was aiming.
Less than a year later I had a mastectomy, and with a letter from my surgeon, changed the F to M on all of my legal documents.

Hope this info helps. 

Wow, Sparky, that's almost my transition time-line too. Therapist decided I didn't need therapy other than for the hormone letter, so made the sessions every two weeks (I had to travel three hours each way to see him), did my three months, got my T, and had chest surgery a few months later.

Although I don't self-inject. It's covered for me at the doctor's office and it's easy enough to stop in on the way to work once a week. I have thought I'd like to learn though, just to cover those times when I'm away. Haven't got around to it yet.

Dennis

I'm hoping that I can become "level-headed." I suffer from "female hysteria," practically (look it up on Wikipedia, lol). So I really have a tough time being level-headed and mature. I'm freaking out. I'm in panic. My body's wrong and that makes me scared of myself. Ashamed. Disgusted, even. And I keep feeling inferior and unable. I keep thinking that I'm never going to make it. That fear is taking over... plus my panic disorders just make me shake and stutter in the office when I'm speaking to a therapist.

There's so much to reply to here and so little time.  Forgive the lack of complete reply, but..

Sustanon is not available in the United States.

Quote from: Elwood on July 30, 2008, 01:01:04 PM
I'm hoping that I can become "level-headed." I suffer from "female hysteria," practically (look it up on Wikipedia, lol). So I really have a tough time being level-headed and mature. I'm freaking out. I'm in panic. My body's wrong and that makes me scared of myself. Ashamed. Disgusted, even. And I keep feeling inferior and unable. I keep thinking that I'm never going to make it. That fear is taking over... plus my panic disorders just make me shake and stutter in the office when I'm speaking to a therapist.

I know exactly how you feel, Elwood. I sometimes get so frightened I cry or pass out. Then when I calm down it's a wave of shame followed by a few 'why can't I do this?'s and 'why did I do that?'s? I also suffer panic attacks. My lungs close up, I get dizzy, my body goes numb, and I've lost consciousness a few times. You're not alone. 'Female hysteria' is everywhere! Even lurking in the bravest of FTMs.

I do, however, have some questions of my own, while we're on the topic of fear. I hate needles. It's not just the pain source, I get extremely queasy at even a drop of blood. I was feeling light-headed at the video Jamie-o posted. ( Though, I must admit, it was quite informative and I'm glad to have watched it. ) I simply cannot deal with needles of any sort. I burst into tears and have been known to pass out. Can a therapist help me with this? It's not so much a fear of pain, I think it's more of a physical reaction. I've heard of people overcoming their fears countless times, but I've never heard of someone ridding themselves of nausea. Would a therapist really be able to help me with this? And - though many have already been listed - I'd like to know some other options besides injections. What's the safest one out there? Is there one that's both gradual and effective?