Hello everyone,

   It's been a while since I've been here and to be honest I really wish that I hadn't dissapeared. Shortly after I had made so much progress and was about to come out to my parents about the fact that I want to transition I found out that my father was told he had only a year to live by his doctor due to a heart defect that he's had all his life. That and drama the likes of which usually only winds up in really really bad B movies seemed to creep into my life. I've done the best to deal with the cards that have been delt. it's taken quite the personal toll on me since I've been trying to help out my family as much as possible.

   I removed my original introduction ages ago there was to much for me to deal with between wanting to transition , my Family and finances . It was an attempt to make it so I didn't exist thinking maybe this will all go away. it's been almost 7 months since then and I have to say it was probably the worst thing I've ever done trying to deny reality is just asking it to come back and force it'self back onto you to prove that it is happening.

  I'm back where I was before and feel the need to re-iterate some of what I have removed.

  Since about as far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a girl regardless of what I was told I was and what I was supposed to be. My Parent's were always happy that they ended up with 2 GG's and 2 GB's (I suppose that's the best way for me understand) for them it was balance regardless of the chaos that 4 children bring. For the first 2 years of my life From my mothers accounts I had always been confused by others as a beautiful Baby girl even though she had me dressed in boy's clothes. She took special attention after she took me to one of her family gatherings when some friends commented on my "pretty hair" apparently it had grown in some and was in ringlets. Always short hair never longer than an inch and as boyish as she could dress me.

   As I grew up I tended to gather more girl than boy firends actualy I didn't have any male friends untill I was around 9 or 10 I just didn't like the things that they did I much rather went over to my girl friends and played them their dolls and we played house alot in costume no I wasn't playing big daddy It was rather usually as though we were two women having  lunch or tea. ( I Still get along better with GG than with men I just dont' relate to them well) This is how I spent most of my time between 5-8 when my Parents decided that something should be done because it wasn't normal. They actually asked the girls parents not to let me play with their daughters anymore. They went on a spending spree of "action figures" and Tonka Toys and kept making me tag along with my bother to his firends houses. After a while I settled into the "game" playing the role they wanted me to play. No I wasn't very good at it and my aqwardness with it generally left me as a loner for my entire time in school.

  During my school years there were some influences that made me question things somewhat more than just my personal feelings, mostly cartoons that always changed things from what they were on the surface into somthing else. many of these were anime starting with the last unicorn and moving onwards to Ranmi, Jem and the holograms, the little mermaid even transformers. But it wasn't untill I had seen the Rocky Horror Picture show (with my fathers exceptionally bad understanding of things explaining it)  that there might be an actual place for what I felt.

  I took many brave steps at least in my mind I stepped from "borrowing" cloths to buying some of my own and even the last few years going out in public on occasion. But the events that start this post pushed me back to nearly the start of my long journey. I don't want to loose my parents but at the same time I want to eek ahead and become me they constantly say that they love me no matter what however I know how they feel in general about anything that isn't "normal" in their books and with my Father on a short string I would hate to loose him.

  During the winter that just past I really really hoped that I was wrong about myself and that what I felt vs what existed would settle each other out I suppose they did in a way as I ended up right where I started. During the process of denying myself I've managed to destroy the small business that I started and was running I'd like to blame it on others but it really wasn't me the "job" I had created for myself almost 5 years ago was more to please my parents than me. I've done a multitude of things in my life so far from manual labour to desk work.  I have to admit it Manual labour and desk work really aren't what I like; So Financially I'm in a limbo and an emotional wreck.

  I've gone out to a few bars or clubs I'm not really sure whatthe fall under a bit of both but people I don't know we're either telling me I was a beautiful girl (though I'm sure they were a bit drunk) or telling me I would make a beautiful woman bit of a shock when one of my sisters drunk male firends sat down and told me that however The largest part of what's broughten me back is A few days ago I was walking though the mall with my mom and I made a comment about how horrible a kiosk woman was applying makup to a customer (the applied foundation was 6-7 shades brighter than her skin on her neck I'm not good with make up but I know a few of the basics) moments later my mom who didn't know how to explain makeup tried to comment on it and I corrected her she shocked my by saying that she was surprised that I didn't go into makeup (as a profession) Years ago she would have been appaled to make such a comment. Lastly I watched an anime called I my me, strawberry eggs and I was in tears for hours yes I'm a very emotional person. Many of the questions the main character asked himself have come accross my thoughts more than once.

I know where I'm headed now it's just taken far to long for me to get back to where I knew I was 2 years ago

Rei

Welcome back, Rei!   it is wonderful to have you with us again!

Quote from: Rei Ayanami on July 22, 2008, 02:37:25 AM
I know where I'm headed now it's just taken far to long for me to get back to where I knew I was 2 years ago

Rei

Very happy for you!  All my best to you!

*hugs*


tink

Welcome back rei, firstly I'd like to say that I feel for you, and your situation, my own personal experiences as a child have been painfully similar, and yet very different at the same time. My father kicked me out of the house at 16, and my mother is sadly human vegetable ninety percent of the time, after her seventh mental brake down. I also found myself not being able to relate to males very well, and had allot of trouble making friends in grade school.
Anime, and the rocky horror picture show have also been very large influences on my feelings on cross dressing and sexuality, and as it turns out rei was also one of my favorite characters from eva.

I'm completely new here and I hope we can be good friends in the future.

If you need a caring ear, to I'd be more than happy. I'm not very good at speaking my mind and feelings, but I know how to listen, and understand the feelings of others.

Hi, Rei,

I'm glad you are back. I never knew you as I wasn't here back then. But there's a lot in your story that chimes with me. Ringlets as a baby and the short hair later to starting and stopping and coming back.

Two years ... ah, but here you are. That's a cause for joy.

Nichole