I used to share that same fear about aging/masculinizing when I started, which was at age 28.  I think that was purely based on anecdotal stories I had heard about age/masculinization.  I can happily tell you that those fears were ungrounded and I have no trouble passing at all (no FFS, just hormones) -- even to myself.  In fact I even look about 5 years younger than I am, or so I am told.  I'm sure your fears will go unrealized too.  Also, I think that fear actually pushed me harder to transition quickly, rather than making me stop in my tracks.

Anymore I basically tell you younger doubters and those questioning who you are to find a gender therapist that is versed in GID and who has had other Transsexual clients. I will also tell you that I fought this with all I had and every tool I thought I could use because I honestly did not believe I would be allowed to transition. I made an internal hell for myself that lasted for over 30 plus years. It will not go away and it will come back stronger each time you let your guard down. You will most likely try suicide if you let it overwealm you. Thats the gloom and doom.

The miracle is that the way things are now, if you have the drive and desire to be who you were meant to be, anyone can transition short of having major medical problems. I am 61 now and started my active run at transition 1 year ago this month when I sat in an Emergency room after almost commiting my 5th attempt at suicide crying my eyes out and begging for help. Almost 9 months on HRT now and I am presenting myself to the world at every chance. You came to a good place to learn.  Hugs

Wendy

I just wanted to give an update to my thread...

Early this morning I left a text file on my parent's computer describing what I was feeling at that particular moment and my desire to get help. At the moment of typing this, I'm sure they have seen that text file. So it looks like I will get some help -- which just makes me so happy at the moment.

*hugs*

I hope they are mature about it and you guys can talk things through in a calm, adult manner, Je.

It took a suicide attempt to finally shake me up.  I tried to explain it to my wife but she would not listen.  Then we split up and I have been on a rocket sled ever since.  Sometimes I feel that I should put on the brakes and step back, but then I read that another girl is headed for GRS. And the motors fire up again.  I am so happy to going forward and I will not stop until I'm dead or complete.

Very Happy for Now, But looking forward to the next step,
Janet

I'm getting closer, but I'm sure I'll get cold feet. If not, I might jump right it. I guess I'll know when my therapist finally says the "okay."

nope. not me.  I'm a dude &can"t live my life as anythin else.  Sorry I know everybody's difernet but not me

I have no problem knowing that I'm a guy. The issue is the risk involved. For me medically especially.

My liver's healthy, my heart's healthy, my thyroid's healthy...

But I weigh 80lbs. I worry about that. I also worry about my mental health; my family WILL be ballistic. I also have to do with with my father's approval... and he wants me to wait and "make sure" at least a year or so (which really isn't a big deal). But I also hesitate myself. Yes, I am confident in my identity, but I still wonder if altering my body is the right thing. I wonder if I'll be happy with everything but a penis. I wonder if I'll be happy being a man who's 5'3" and maybe around 90lbs if the T helps me gain some weight. I ask these questions. I know I'll be happier without breasts (I'm just a size A), but I have to start T to have top surgery approved. So I have to make the biggest decision first; am I ready to start injecting myself with hormones for the rest of my life? Can I afford it? If there's some sort of world war, will I loose access to it?

I'm paranoid. I have many mental issues going on. Anxiety, OCD, and depression are the big ones. Plus the effects of GID on top of it. I am just 18 years old, and I ask myself if I am emotionally mature enough to make this decision. Adults all over have told me that they are glad they didn't make life-changing decisions when they were 18. It doesn't matter how smart I am; my brain is not done developing yet and I'm just not sure if I can trust my own reasoning. Because of this, the process with the therapists will take longer. I am less assertive because I am compensating for the fallibility of my own mind. I am trying to be intelligent, make the right decision-- do what a good man would do and do what's best for the future... Not be selfish like a child, weak and doing something for the sake of doing it because "I want now."

I have to be smart. I can't walk back from this. There is no reverse. There is no saying "oops" in 10 years. There is no, "It turns out I just had trauma from the past, which is now resolved, and I so hate being a man," or something. Yes, right now, I can't imagine that ever happening. But it's the things we can't ever imagine happening that catch us and kill us. Steve Irwin didn't expect a sting ray to pierce him in the heart and kill him. That's why he's dead. He didn't see it coming. And there's no way I'd see regret coming from transition. That is why I must be really sure and prepared. I came out when I was 17. It's been about a year. I think by two years I might really have a clue. I've felt this way my whole life, but I haven't started living full time. I think I need to live full time for at least a few months before I start shooting hormones into my blood. Full time isn't going to happen for a long time, because of my life style, obligations, and outside goals. I have school, work, family. I can't throw all those things away to transition or I'll have nothing to come back to. I must have a strong foundation on which to transition, and I must do this smartly and correctly. That is why I am hesitating.

I have not seen a GID specialist yet. I am seeing my counselor on Thursday. It is then that I will ask for a referral. If she doesn't feel like she can make one, I'll simply call the specialist and ask to work with them (a referral is not required). That is when my real journey will start. I call this part of transition, "adaptation." I will be learning, listening, discussing, and expressing. I'll be talking to people in LGBTQQI groups (in person) to familiarize myself with my position. I will start living full time with a male name and hopefully people will catch on and use the pronouns. I already dress full time, have been for many months. I started taking on some male rituals, such as not shaving my legs and instead shaving my face. The effects are subtle, but I don't have peach fuzz, so more people call me a "sir" now. I will work with the therapist on my GID issues but also my anxiety issues. This process of "adaptation" could take many months or even a couple years. It will be after this process that things will start to move rapidly.

When I feel ready, which could be months or years from now, I will start HRT. That process will take a couple years of adjusting dosages and making sure things are working out properly. It would be wise to make sure my testosterone levels are healthy before I try to have any surgeries. Perhaps during this time of transition, I call "balancing," I may have top surgery, which for me will be a very quick, inexpensive, and simple procedure (because I am only an A cup-- I'll go for a key hole procedure). At that time, MOST of my issues will have been resolved. But I will also want to go with the next part of transition, which involves the genitals.

Having been on T for many months or a few years, my clitoris would have undergone some major changes. Depending on what medical professionals say, I will either have a medioplasty done early or later. If earlier helps the clitoris develop more, than I will seek to have the surgery sooner. In the mean time, I will be considering options for hysterectomies. By the time that thought crosses my head, I should be at least 30. I will have been living full time after HRT and top surgery for quite some time before I consider doing anything drastic to the bottom portion of my body. Not only for reasons like Thomas Beatie, but mostly because of the medical risk. I might be happier if I died at 30 instead of 20. Not to mention the fact that they wouldn't do a hysterectomy when I was 20 anyway.

actually for me, it was easy to transition because i knew i was not a boy, just a girl being forced to act a boyish part which indeed looked silly. on top of that i look very feminine which made me want more to live in the correct gender role. so really i didnt have any trouble at all to start transitioning.

nah, it was pretty easy.

I'm wondering, has anyone else besides me grown up acting and dressing as a boy and doing boy activities (or girl if your transwoman) while only finding out why years later?

I do not know how difficult transition will be... I know it will be a long time though between emotional issues have to deal with and the fact that I have very little income.

I also know that even after transition I most likely will still not fit in.  But I never have and fitting in is not why want to do this.  Feeling more comfortable with myself physically and mentally is. 

Quote from: Aiden on July 30, 2008, 01:29:31 AM
I'm wondering, has anyone else besides me grown up acting and dressing as a boy and doing boy activities (or girl if your transwoman) while only finding out why years later?

I do not know how difficult transition will be... I know it will be a long time though between emotional issues have to deal with and the fact that I have very little income.

I also know that even after transition I most likely will still not fit in.  But I never have and fitting in is not why want to do this.  Feeling more comfortable with myself physically and mentally is. 

I did. And I was also not discouraged from taking on female traits and behaviors, so I think that's why transition was so easy for me. There was little to no "male conditioning" to overcome.

Quote from: Aiden on July 30, 2008, 01:29:31 AM
I'm wondering, has anyone else besides me grown up acting and dressing as a boy and doing boy activities (or girl if your transwoman) while only finding out why years later?

I do not know how difficult transition will be... I know it will be a long time though between emotional issues have to deal with and the fact that I have very little income.

I also know that even after transition I most likely will still not fit in.  But I never have and fitting in is not why want to do this.  Feeling more comfortable with myself physically and mentally is.

Yes. I was that way. I started "pretending" I was a boy many years ago. It took me until very recently to look back at that and say, "I've been trans for much longer than I originally thought."

Transition is hard, but a rewarding, enriching experience. You're blooming into the young man (or for transwomen, woman) that you're supposed to be.

One of the things that made me start when I did was the fact that I didn't like the role I was being put into. It wasn't a do or die for me, however it was a strong feeling. I didn't like the idea that people were expecting me to be a big and bulky male and that being feminine and sweet was not part of that. I was hurt, so instead of repressing those feelings I expressed them and went about making sure I was able to do so. It was the right point in my life. I've always bucked against the norm and so it never really bothered me to have to face them. For some people this is very difficult, for others it's easy. Just like the journey it's different for everyone, make sure it's yours and at least try to enjoy yourself along the way. Good Luck

Je, your first post described me perfectly. You're definitely not crazy. I think I am crazy too, but it looks like we are all related on these personal matters. I've almost committed suicide half a dozen times (and maybe more), but I still doubt myself.

Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 30, 2008, 01:55:57 AM
I did. And I was also not discouraged from taking on female traits and behaviors, so I think that's why transition was so easy for me. There was little to no "male conditioning" to overcome.

Oh, lucky. Gracie FAISE, I'm SOOOOO envious of you. There was the invisible "male" barrier set up for me, and it is so deeply ingrained, that I am scared to freaking death of trying things feminine. I am afraid of being raided, teased, and tortured. I read girls manga, but that's about it. I keep sticking in my comfort zone around boy things. It makes me think I am androgyne too. I recently tried feminine clothes, but got stuck in them . I am realizing others don't care as much as I think they do, it's just me overreacting.

Quote from: Chett on June 27, 2008, 07:35:26 AM
it does seem easier in the real world for "butches" to be accepted than for "girly men"  so i can see where youre coming from.

i guess you could be right about that, but once you get started, you learn it's not the acceptance from the world that you need, but acceptance from yourself. once you've tasted self-acceptance, possibly for the first time in your life, you no longer need to ask people about whether transitioning is a good idea.

-Ell

Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 30, 2008, 01:55:57 AM
I did. And I was also not discouraged from taking on female traits and behaviors, so I think that's why transition was so easy for me. There was little to no "male conditioning" to overcome.

This was the same for me.  But we get a certain amount of "male conditioning" just from living in the world.  I can't say there was nothing to overcome.

Quote from: Lisbeff's Elf on August 10, 2008, 02:10:18 PM
i guess you could be right about that, but once you get started, you learn it's not the acceptance from the world that you need, but acceptance from yourself. once you've tasted self-acceptance, possibly for the first time in your life, you no longer need to ask people about whether transitioning is a good idea.

-Ell

Amen!

Lisbeth

I have a lot of conditioning I have to deal with though there are a few things I admit I wouldn;t change because I feel they make me a better person.

But I've found it just difficult to speak up and say I'm Aiden, am not she and such.  I'm not sure how to deal with being known by _____ and callled she all my life, and now feeling as if my body still betrays my birth sex I'm afraid to call myself Aiden and correct people with correct pronouns.

I've also been conditioned to respond to _____ and she to where I respond without realizing right away what names and pronoune they used.

Though I look at a form that says male or female and grit my teeth...  used to I automatically put what my body says am supposed to be, but now I am very aware that there is a difference between my biological sex and my gender.  (believe it or not there was a time I thought Gender was another word for sex)   But of course I still find myself forced to mark F on forms like that.

Quote from: je on July 11, 2008, 06:34:00 PM
I just wanted to give an update to my thread...

Early this morning I left a text file on my parent's computer describing what I was feeling at that particular moment and my desire to get help. At the moment of typing this, I'm sure they have seen that text file. So it looks like I will get some help -- which just makes me so happy at the moment.

I wish you the best of luck with what you are doing.

I'm finding myself with a lot of the same questions that you are facing.

Starting to transition is always difficult, as clear or muddled your internal gender directive may seem.
You mention you would fully switch genders in a split second. Would you stay on the other gender for life or would you switch back? If you would switch back, and this is the crux of the question, would you do it for yourself or for others (not to disturb your surroundings or to avoid the hassle)? If for you, then I'd say you're ok straddling the gender line and a queer path seems the best, if for others, then not being able to switch fully would be at the root of your anguish and exploring the possibility of transitioning would be wise.