Hi all,
First I want to say I feel much better. Last week was rough.
I know as I write this my mind keep jumping to different things I'd like to say.
Oh I started shaving again. I have to be myself. Couldn't stand wearing a beard.
I have to learn to balance my wanting to be accepted with being manipulated. I learning that I have always had a problem with that.

When I dress as a man I feel that I am put on a costume and doing an act for others. I get very tired of acting by the end of the day. So when I get home I redress in woman's jeans and a t-shirt or sweat shirt and feel much better. Lately I started combing my hair to look more like I feel and wearing a cami to sleep in. That was just too much for my spouse so I did back down but just a little.

My wife went away for the weekend. So guess what I did. Your right if you said I went to the mall. But I did allot more I dress as myself (a woman from Friday night thru Sunday except for church. I just loved it.
I was out shopping, at a mall 1 hour from home, Saturday from 8 am to 10 pm. Really want to see how I would hold up as a woman all day long.  I wore my skirt and boot part of the day and it felt soooooo good.  T
Then Sunday I just had to go back out. So I went to the local mall and some of the sale people recognized me from other times that I had been dressed and were real nice to me almost like I was a friend.
Till this weekend the guy side keep come back but he is not bothering me now.
I love being the woman that I really am.
My spouse gets back tonight.  So Jillieann will put on a custom but will not act like a man because I'm not. I real don't know what will happen as time goes on but Jillieann is the real me.
Oh just another thing when I was at the mall Saturday all was well as I was treated like a woman and always called miss or madam. Then I went into one women's shop and a young lady came up to me and said can I help you sir. I played it cool and didn't react but went on looking at the mechanist. But I did watch her and she made no sign of telling anyone in fact she came back to me a little later and ask if I was find everything I was looking for. I don't thing she actually realized that she had said sir to me and she did treat me like a lady. It was a real weird experience. Has anyone else had something similar happen?

I hope you like my new picture. I love my new wig. When I though I was a man I way always attracted to blonds. So when I was looking for a wig I though maybe that my attraction to blond was because I want to be one. So I bought it and love how it looks on me. What do you think?
I want to get some pretty things to put in my hair now. So I'm back to studying women to see what they wear in their hair and what I like.

My feelings for woman and sex have changed too. I would say that I had a very strong sex drive toward females untill Jillieann came out. Right now I'm not attracted to either female or males. In fact at times I am jealous of large breast woman, sometime even my wife. And I'm not at all interested in sex.  I'm not sure what's happening to me.
But I do know that I'm happier in who I am now than I have ever been. What I will be I don't know but I will continue this journey as long as I live.
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
You have helped me keep going when I want to just lay down and die. That was last week. Again thank you.

Now I'm just rambling, so I will close for now.


I'm Always Jillieann

Jillieann,

It's good to see you again!  I have been really worried about you since your last major post.

You and I have some major decisions ahead of us, as well as some painful times.  I don't recall who said it first here at Susan's but this is our birthing pain.  We are giving birth to our true selves.

There are times when we just want to quit.  THis is hard work!

Fortunately for us, we have a lot of midwives here at Susan's.  THey help us remember to breathe.  They coach us when to push and when to ease up.

I am glad you are finding your center again.  And you can forget about the PM I just sent you - you just answered how you are doing!

Wishing you joy!

Chaunte

Jillieann,

It is always good to talk and this is the best place to do it. I have been thinking out aloud lately and the support here has been wonderfull. I have been making a lot of desision lately and only when I recognise Alice is a part of me I start to feel better.


Alice

I use to think I was a cross-dresser and than later an extreme cross-dresser now I don't know what I am.  Although I wear a male shirt and slacks most days all of the rest of my clothing is female. I'm always calling myself girl or woman , that is, when I'm talking to myself and for the last month or more felt (what ever that is) female most of the time. Also I don't like my male parts and have begun calling them by my old male name in discussed.  If I wasn't married I would be working hard at becoming a female physically.
So what am I? I really don't know.

The good part of this journey so far is that. I believe the male side or what ever it was that had been controlling and limiting me, Jillieann, has now united with me as a woman and I feel like one instead of two people. That has never happened before as long as I can remember. Right now I am at peace and not a war with myself.

Guess what I am still losing weight and feeling better all of the time. Last year at this time I weight about 195 lbs now I weight 160 lbs. I found out this last weekend that size 14 Petite fit great now.  I hope to get down to a size 12 Petite by summer.

Life sure has allot of ups and downs for us trans- whatever people.
Thank you Susan and all of you guys and girls, on this site, for being here to talk too whenever I need you.
I will try to be here for you too.

Jillieann

Hi Jillieann,
I am really impressed by your picture, not only do you you look very nice, but your expression, shows that you are happy and at ease with yourself.  I envy you your looks and poise

However I have got to say this - I am concerned about how things are going with your wife, you two have got to truely communicate.  You mentioned before how down you felt that your wife was thinking of leaving you - that is a really serious situation and should be sorted out.  It is important to find out what exactly your wife is thinking because from posts you made earlier it seemed that your wife was some degree accepting?

What did occur to me was how you look - your eyebrows are excellent - anybody looking at you would notice them straight away - I would see eyebrows, then check out your nails (I'll bet they are long and beautifully cared for).  Even if you had a three day growth, you may as well be wearing a dress as humans have the ability to build and accurate picture from fragments.   I wonder if friends of your wife have noticed this and have made comments to her. 
Its funny that wives can loyally stay with husbands who are brutal, drunks, gamblers & wasterels or just out and out slobs - but if a loving and careing husband wants to express a feminine side - then God help the marriage.  Seems sometimes that its more acceptable to be a victim or a martyr than appear foolish?

Jillieann - I hope things go well for you   I watch with interest your transformation - I hope it does not come at too high a price

love

Merope

My problem was why I ever worried about what self serving people thought and did not take better care of my self.    It seems that my life before 2002 and Susan's most of the people in my life did not care about me but only their own feelings and egos.  I had a very distorted view of reality and let others use me and my needs to have a normal life and raise a family until I started caring for my feminine self and thinking about what I really need out of life.  Now I am finding that in trying to be a male I really distorted my life and wore myself out physically and emotionally and left myself not knowing who I am and disenchanted about the years I spent in my professional field,  finding that I may now be too old, mixed up and disinchanted to do it any more.  Especially the fact that you are being judged minute by minute by how you keep others happy and not complaining about you behind your back.

Hi Jillieann,
                 It's good to see you happy again. You look great. I'm glad you were able
                 to work things out. I had a small coming out of sorts. My mom has now
                 noticed my shaving now thats its summer and I am wearing short sleeve
                 shirts and shorts. She doesn't like it but she seams to be accepting it. I
                 didn't really tell her my true feelings as I am still trying to figure out just
                 what excactly I am. But anyway I'm glad to see you back.

                 You look fabulous

       Love to you
        Owen

Love being female 

My wife loves, which I knows that she does.  but she has expressed that she would rather me be abusive than transgendered.  I am not a bd person, but I just have this problem

Bryanne

Hi Bryanne,
I glad you found this posting. I think the most important thing that I said here was

QuoteI have to learn to balance my wanting to be accepted with being manipulated. I learning that I have always had a problem with that.

I'm still learning how to do that.
There is compromises in an relationship but if some is controlling you that is just wrong. To controlling someone is to making them a slave and that is not love.

I think love is caring and wanting the best for that person. It is wanting to help that person grow and develope and wanting to experence it with them.  And wanting to share your intermost felling with them and vise versa.

Jillieann
   

Quote from: JillieannI have to learn to balance my wanting to be accepted with being manipulated. I learning that I have always had a problem with that.

I'm still learning how to do that.
There is compromises in an relationship but if some is controlling you that is just wrong. To controlling someone is to making them a slave and that is not love.

Just my thoughts here Jillieann, but being manipulated by anyone is not really a compromise as the person doing the manipulating is the one who is controlling.  Personally I don't feel that there is any difference with being controlled by love or by threats the person is still being controlled.  But I suppose if I were inclined to be controlled then being controlled through love would be the better of two evils.

Just my thoughts, nothing personal.

Steph

Hi Steph,
I think sometimes there maybe a fine line between control and compromise.
But to control is to be manipualate by another by exercising authoritative or dominating influence over.
Compromise in love is accommodation in which both sides make some concessions to live together in harmony. 
I love to chew ice but my wife has real sensitive teeth and hates the sound of it. So I compromise by not chewing ice around her.

Jillieann

Quote from: Jillieann on June 22, 2006, 05:17:34 AM
Compromise in love is accommodation in which both sides make some concessions to live together in harmony.
 
I love to chew ice but my wife has real sensitive teeth and hates the sound of it. So I compromise by not chewing ice around her.

Please explain where "both sides" falls in your example.  I agree with your definition, but your example showed you accomodating to her, but nothing accomodated on her part.

Melissa

Hi Melissa,
Your right I did only a one sided example I was tried when I post.
So here is a concession on my wife side. She doesn't like crowds and doesn't like to camp out but annually she has been going with me to my family reunions. We average over 70 people. My wife and I camp out in our tent for two or three night and there is no running water just a hand pump. We have two outdoor toilets at the property where the reunion is held and they get pretty bad after a day with that many people. I'm sure you know what I means and especially if you have to sit on the wooden seats. I know my wife would rather be home, but she always come with me and never complains. She always gets involved help with the cooking, dishes, setting the tables, watching the kids or what ever else need doing. She does it for me and my family.
Hope that helps to complete the example.

Jillieann
This

I meant an example where both sides compromised for an equally beneficial agreement.  Let's see, here's an example (not real though):  The husband has been playing golf a lot with his buddies and the wife wants to spend more time with the husband, so they start playing golf together.  That's compromise with love.  He doesn't hang out with friends so much and she joins in on an activity that she has not tried before.  Both sides gave in and ended up with a solution that benefitted them both.

Melissa

Thank you for the kind words Cindi.
I love going out because I can be myself and people except me. It has gotten to the point now where many of the sales clerks at the mall recognize me when I'm dressed and they greet me and tell me what they have on sale.  In fact when I went in to the Payless Shoe store the clerk had to show me the boots that had just come in. She remembered that I had bought some from her last winter. When I'm out and dressed I love to talk to anyone who will listen. One time I stood in line for about ten minutes just talking to the woman next to me as we waited to get our turn in the dressing room. It was so nice to be accepted as the woman I am. I don't know what I would do if most people didn't accept me as a woman. This is the second time I wore a skirt out and I just loved it. It's so much more comfortable and freer than wearing slacks.
Now I seem to have another problem on Wednesday I got to the mall at 5 pm and didn't leave until after 8 pm. My wife was upset that I was gone so long. I just didn't want to go back home were I'm treated like a man.

Jillieann