I'm not sure where to put this, so here it is....

I want to talk about dreams, the sleeping sort. Before I transitioned, I very often had dreams in which i was female, and it never seemed odd at all, I never even gave it a thought within the dream. It was only when I would wake up, then I would think, my goodness, I was a girl! And then: HOORAY!

These dreams helped me maintain my sanity, and gave me a type of joy that was denied me in waking life.

Very early in trnasition i had a remarkable dream that I'll never forget. I was watching a couple, a young man and pretty young woman, sitting on a park bench beside a pond. The young man seemed troubled about something, heavy with care, tired. The young woman was listening to him and seeming to try to comfort him. I wasn't sure if they were brother and sister, or friends or what.

Then I became aware of what they were saying. He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!

I remember how joyful I used to feel, after dreaming that I was female. Getting to experiance that and how right it felt. Well, now I don't have to dream to have that experience...it's my life.

Now, occasionally, I have a dream where I am male, and when I wake up it always makes me annoyed. Like, I thought I killed you, get back in your grave, dammit.

I guess, in some way, I'm still both. 

Stealth

I had those sorts of dreams. The weirdest would be a 'Ranma 1/2' style where I would keep switching back and forth in the dream when I get splashed with water. The absolute weirdest would be the one time a I became a sailor scout. I think I was 13 at the time. I remember being quite mad at having to wear a skirt if I wanted to be a girl.  Yeah, I watch way to much anime.

There has been a strange increase of a certain type of dream, fighting dreams, I wonder if anyone else has had this to. I always seem to be fighting something in my dreams, sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I can recall one of being I guess a female angel fighting these vampire like things. I think I lost that one.

But the dreams where I was living as a normal girl were the hardest. I would wake up and be a bit depressed that it was just a dream.

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM


Very early in transition i had a remarkable dream that I'll never forget. I was watching a couple, a young man and pretty young woman, sitting on a park bench beside a pond. The young man seemed troubled about something, heavy with care, tired. The young woman was listening to him and seeming to try to comfort him. I wasn't sure if they were brother and sister, or friends or what.

Then I became aware of what they were saying. He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!

I've never had any profound dreams like yours, as my dreams are always really weird and trippy and generally make no sense at all.  My dream self is usually male half the time and female the other half.  On an odd but interesting note that I realized as I was typing this, my dream self, whether male or female, is almost always naked.  When I'm female in the dream, I'm very comfortable with my nudity and have almost a "yes, I'm a woman, look at me" attitude.  As a male however, I'm much, much more self conscious, don't want to be seen, and usually hear laughter in the background. 

I'm so wierd...

I am believe our dreams are our subconscious' way of trying to talk to us, trying to make us aware of things we might not otherwise be aware of. I tend to write my dreams down as soon as I get up in the morning and then later go back and try to figure out just what the dream might mean. This dream really stood out to me and spoke so loudly that it was practically screaming at me...I had this dream just prior to my transitioning...

In the dream I am swimming through the ocean, the waters are very turbulent and I am being tossed around by the sea. Suddenly a platform appears and I climb onto it. The water suddenly becomes calm, there are no waves and all is dead still. As I stand there I am studying the waters around me. I'm unsure of what to do at this point, but as I stand there a slight breeze starts. I notice that the murkiness of the water is only on the surface. As the breeze grows in strength, portions of the water become clearer. After a few moments of standing on the platform, watching the waters clear and feeling the breeze on me I come to a decision to jump in. I don't just jump in, I dive in head first.

So just what does this mean to me?

All my life I have felt I'm not in control of anything. My transsexualism has caused my life to be extremely turbulent and my path unclear; that to me is what the turbulent ocean means to me. The platform actually represents a number of things, but mostly it signifies my stopping the struggling, thinking and contemplating my path and direction of life. Since returning to therapy, finding a support group and doing tons of reading and research the "waters" are much less murky than just a few months ago. Now, the fact I dive into the water is significant to me. I don't just jump in, sort of testing the waters and not going far from the safety of that platform, no I dive in head first. To me that signifies my finally accepting myself, accepting that while the waters will always be murky to some degree, I cannot let that stop me from moving forward. If I were to stay on that platform I would have surely died and that is how I felt about transitioning. I either do it or die.

To me the water is an important symbol. While I can swim in the waters, I can never truly know all the depths that are possible, the unexplored regions of myself, the depth of my being. For while we all grow and change throughout life, there is always more to learn, more to explore, more unimagined beauties to be discovered and yes some horrors too. But unless I take that dive and explore this aspect of myself I will never know...

Just wanted to share some thoughts...

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!

Wow.... I actually had a dream almost exactly like that back in April.  In my dream I was talking to this really nice girl that I'd just met at university, and I for some reason I was just pouring my heart out to her.  I was crying like a baby as I told her about how horrible my life was, and how much I envied her.  At some point, my viewpoint switched to girl-me, and I was crying too and hugging boy-me and consoling him, and telling him that I'd take over for him really soon, and then he could finally go to sleep.

That was about a month after I admitted that I was TS, and I couldn't stop thinking about the dream for the rest of the week.

Quote from: Nephie on August 04, 2008, 08:31:21 PM

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 04, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
He was saying how tired he was, that he couldn't continue; that he'd tried with all his strength to go as far as he could, but he was at his limit. I knew as he spoke, that this man was me. But then the woman smiled understandingly and told him it was ok, that she would take over from here; that he had done a fine job getting that far and she would do the rest. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized that BOTH of them were me!

Wow.... I actually had a dream almost exactly like that back in April.  In my dream I was talking to this really nice girl that I'd just met at university, and I for some reason I was just pouring my heart out to her.  I was crying like a baby as I told her about how horrible my life was, and how much I envied her.  At some point, my viewpoint switched to girl-me, and I was crying too and hugging boy-me and consoling him, and telling him that I'd take over for him really soon, and then he could finally go to sleep.

That was about a month after I admitted that I was TS, and I couldn't stop thinking about the dream for the rest of the week.

Just to add a ME TOO, lol...

Back when I was "debating" transitioning, I dreamt that I was lying on the floor, with a woman above me holding a knife to my throat. She wasn't trying to be violent, she just seemed desperate.

We both kinda laughed at the silliness of our stalemate, and I half-jokingly asked her, "you don't really plan to kill me, do you?"

She smiled and said something to the effect of, "I could ask you the same thing."

~Kate~

Hi, Isabelle St-Pierre and Nephie, I find both of your stories interesting. Mine might be some different but with some similar patterns that lead to the end.

My dreams came to me in different sequences through the course of the past 8 years. Oh yeah, I get soap opera dreams like months to years between sequences.  As for remembering dreams before beginning transitioning, on only a few occasions, and after I would wake up I would only remember parts of the dreams. The odd thing was that I was not aware nor did I ever truly say I saw myself. It was more like a disembodied spirit experiencing the dreams.

After all the moving about I have done through the years I had very little to none in terms of keepsakes that made it from the past, and definitely no pictures of myself. Even now when I wash my face in the bathroom mirror I can not make connections with who I was previous to transitioning. I have no desire to know the previous me.

Well now, eight years ago I came home and kicked my shoes off and sat on the couch to begin my daily meditations. I found myself floating in a thick grey fog and a short time later I felt my feet touching some type of surface. I stopped moving to listen to something. It was the sobbing of a child. I followed the sobbing until I saw a small hunched-over form before me, then I heard the whimpering again. It was a little girl, she wore a blue dress with white ruffly sleeves and hem. To my judgment the little girl was around six or seven years old. She looked up at me with tear-smeared sad eyes. I reached out to pick her up but as soon as I touched her it was like an electrical shock and I was sent flying backwards through the thick fog once more.

As soon as the fog thinned and was whisked away I was once again able to see my surrounding. The surroundings were not familiar until found myself back to the days of early childhood. I then began to move again to fast forward where I felt every emotion I had ever felt from childhood to the present time which was at that time year 2000.

I was overwhelmed by all these feelings I had experienced and I sat there doing the only thing that made sense at the time:  crying my eye balls out. I have no memory in my past having such deep emotions

The next vision I had was not long after the first one.

Again I was sitting on the couch meditating  and found myself again floating in the grey fog. When the fog cleared and I looked about to get my bearings on my surroundings I saw a dark form in some type of cloak standing on a stone slab. I approached the dark form and suddenly it jumped off the stone slab raising sword over its head. I was quite aware of the possibility that the intent of this entity was using it's sword to kill me, but for some reason I stood my ground, unmoved and unafraid by it's action. He took another couple of steps forward so that I could see his face which looked familiar but I couldn't quite place it. 

This man, who by now was becoming much more familiar, bent down and placed the sword on the ground, then stood up straight as a soldier and proclaimed that he would fight no more. I was expecting some type of military salute but he only stood still for a couple of seconds studying me. Then turned and walked back toward the stone slab, took his cloak off and draped the stone slab with it, then climbed up and laid on his cloak and simply drifted off to sleep. Cindy emerged a short time later. And yes, that was the first time in my life that I can actually see who I am in dreams.       

Cindy

I remember one dream, the only dream I can clearly remember pre-transition a chat between two people, I still remember what it was about, and it still scares me. This is what was said:
Ryu:So you've come
Carolyn: It's time you left
Ryu:Ha, you made me to protect you, now you want me gone?
Carolyn:This is my life, it's time I was freed. I won't be your slave anymore.
Ryu:I am your hate, you can't get rid of me
Carolyn:Even so, I'm taking what's mine my life!
Ryu:Very well, I'll end you
After that I woke up in a cold sweat, and begin thinking about suicide until I came accoss a forum (Can't remember which one) that was about Transsexuals and read a subject that I felt like it was talking to me. It was about coming out, and seeking help, I broke down and cried and that's mean I knew my choices where death or transition. It was on Nov 19 2007 I read that, on Feb 21 2008 I begin my long road by telling my best friend.

Quote from: cindybc on August 04, 2008, 10:16:45 PM
I was overwhelmed by all these feelings I had experienced and I sat there doing the only thing that made sense at the time:  crying my eye balls out. I have no memory in my past having such deep emotions

Quote from: Carolyn on August 11, 2008, 03:23:32 AM
I broke down and cried and that's mean I knew my choices where death or transition. It was on Nov 19 2007 I read that, on Feb 21 2008 I begin my long road by telling my best friend.

It's weird, and even kind of sick, but I envy you your tears - your ability to cry.  I haven't had that sort of emotional release in my entire (relatively brief) adult life.  I just stumble through life without feeling anything.

The really weird part of this (and relevant to the thread) is that I've had at least a few dreams wherein I've cried my eyes out over some hardship or other.  I'm always male in these dreams -- though much girlier than in reality -- and I'm always in abject misery.  The dreams are the kind that seem so real that you confuse them with memories later on - and this nearly sank my life at one point.

One of the dreams involved me coming out to my family, especially my father.  Just to show how twisted that is, know that my father once told me, during a discussion on gay marriage, that he'd never want any of his kids to tell him that they're gay -- because then he'd have to throw them out of the house.  He's much less charitable to transgender people.  He's an emotionally abusive, homophobic, misogynistic narcissist (and is even now the single biggest source of pain in my life).

I don't plan on coming out to him if I can avoid it, but in my bizarro dream I'd actually told him!  Even weirder, I'd come to some sort of tearful acceptance with him and my entire family.  I woke up from that one feeling better than I ever have before, and I was convinced that it had actually happened!

I was home from uni at the time, and I was just sitting down for breakfast when my father came into the room (I usually try to avoid him).  I started to mention again how relieved I was that he'd accepted my need to be a girl, when I realized exactly what I was doing and nearly choked.  I am so glad I didn't get more than a few words out.

The only dreams I have been having are of the erotic type.  I am always with a different SO and in every one I am a woman.  They all tell me that they are glad I am in their life.  Strange.  I have no idea what is means, but I really need a cold shower when I wake up.  >

Mistress Janet

Before transition the idea of transitioning was only a far away fantasy in my imagination. For several years before I transitioned I use to play act being the woman I am now. Like I mean honest to goodness play act. Once I actually put on a gown that had managed to get the nerve up to actually go into a department store to buy it.

So that evening I play acted being a lady escorted to a ball by a debonair middle aged gentleman. Another time I wore skirt and top matching colors, and I wore a blazer. My gentleman frriend and I walked arm in arm into a rather large building to  a book signing of one of my own novels I had written.

Another time I sneaked out of the apartment building and walked down a trail on the side of a fairly steep hills and kicked my shoes off and walked around the soft sand of a fairly large sand pit. I wore a short dress with a wide belt and had a stick tucked into the belt, my sword as my only defence while I walked across the desert land at night under the canopy of billions of stars which were my only source of light.  Well needless to say this was where i got the idea for The Duns of Mars Warrior Princess.

I also got dressed at every opportunity I had when I went out with my friend Tracy to visit her friends who were absolutely delighted having me at there home for company, of course each time I put on an act for them, they enjoyed it just as much as I did.

I also use to go to this very large beach where hundreds of people went to to go sunbathing or swimming and boating on the bay. I was dressed in the appropriate women's attire for the beach, no one paid me any attention. I believe it was the following year I came to the entire town.

Well all I can say is that after 8 years I do not look anything like the previous person I was and thus far many lady friends a\have taken a guess at my age peg me being 10 years younger.
Like I have mentioned before I have this pot I realy do dislike but a couple of the girls at the women's shelter ask me if I was pregnant, Geeee I could only wish.

Cindy
   

Posted on: August 12, 2008, 03:07:12 AM

---

Hi Nephie, It will come. Usually the estrogen is notorious for playing on one's emotions and tears come much easier then they did pre-HRT, when you feel, sad, hurt, happy, melancholy, or for no apparent reason. Oh boy, the fun part is probably when you are crying and laughing at the same time.

Or you may feel an urge to cry at any given time for what ever reason, or at times no reason is required. Don't hold it back, no reason to do that anymore, hon. You are on the right side of the gender fence and you may cry at will. I am also aware of needing to hold back emotions when I was in the other gender. Well, I was conditioned to believe it wasn't appropriate for a man to cry, it is a show of weakness to cry in front of one's male buddies, and heaven forbid if you did, unless it was over someone who had passed away.

Well you are in the women's club now. You will find values will change and so will your personalty and ethics. The quickest way to transition is to let go completely of the persona you were before. If you want to be your gender of choice you need to revamp much of your thinking and feelings as well as attitude.

Cindy   

LOL, I am seeing Leiandra's wonderful avatars all over Susan's now. And why not?

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading Nephie's and Cindy's posts, above. During the latter part of my previous incarnation, I didn't cry at all. In fact, I had begun to honestly wonder whether I had lost the capacity to feel real joy, which ties in with the general muting of emotions generally. It's a sad thing...to lose one's joy so completely.

But Cindy is right, the combination of E, and the release of being who one truly is, allowed me to become the emotional girl that I am today, and who I should be naturally. Life is so much fuller, and my poetry came back after 20 years, as well.

Cindy, you mentioned being pregnant. To bring this ramble back around to the subject of dreams, I dreamt, mid-transition, that I was, indeed, pregnant. In the dream I wasn't trans, I was just a normal woman, and I was so happy and full of joy to be pregnant. It was not quite like any other feeling I have ever had, and when I woke up and realized it wasn't true, I was heartbroken, really sad. It sounds insane, but I felt like I'd lost a baby. But that passed and what remains is the marvelous experience of getting to be pregnant, in that dream. (I know I know, any GG's reading this will leap in and tell me all about morning sickness, back aches, and so forth...but my dream was one of the nicest ones i ever had.)

Stealth

Hi, Stealth,
We all have dreams as well as visions, some more vivid than others, like a true to life experience.

I have had dreams, some  really wonderful dreams, as well as some pretty terrifying ones. I have even written stories based on some experiences in dreams. I believe that most writers get their material for book writing from dreams and visions

Past dreams, or dreams of the past, or dreams of the future, well, according to some researchers the past, present, and future exist simultaneously because it is within the realm of infinity, no beginning no end, making time itself no more than a sequel within the theatre of infinity.

All that truly is reality is this very moment, a heart beat in eternity, this is where we make our choice to either move forward or backward. I would choose to keep moving forward because forward is growth. Life is a test and we as Trans folks were served an extra portion on our plates, more than most other folks out there. Instinct for survival and to evolve into who we are or will become, intuitively we follow our destiny.

Mr Einstein once said that there are infinite potentialities within the quantum realities. We exist in a realm where we can only touch infinity one heart beat at a time. Hmmm I wrote a short truism and it may be interesting to post it here.

So as we plod along on the path of life we learn and we grow and I believe it is the growth that really counts, ascending to our next mission in another reality. How many lives have we lived since the occurrence of the "Big Bang" and the seed of life was planted into fertile soils of a plethora of planets? So what are dreams made of, and where are they born from? Can you imagine all the life time memories a soul can contain since the "Big Bang?"

Heck, I was blessed with having 11 kids go under my roof in time past. Never been pregnant and I really do wish I could have had the opportunity to actually have experienced the miracle of conceiving and birthing life from my own body.  I love children, they are a special gift given to the female of the species by the Sacred Feminine.

Cindy           

I couldn't agree more, Cindy. 

Thanks Stealth
Hun I do have many other philosophies and reams that I put down on paper hereabouts. I will see if I can find them. I have a few saved on microsoft word.

The few experiences, I supposed would be labeled as spiritual, a good many of them are based in spirituality and not religion. Those two are about as separate in nature as Transsexuals and ->-bleeped-<-, just meant as an illustration and no more

The problem with trying to teach others how to get in touch with who we are using  the medium of spirituality. I have studied North American Native spirituality and legends for a good many years. I started out with the study of  ancient Wicca Witchcraft which was close in the mater of both using the elements of nature to draw they their spiritual strength from. 

In later years I chose the North American Native traditions and spirituality in which discovered  would be the strength I would be needing in order to transition. Unfortunately there weren't sufficient members here to keep that thread open.

I'm just a wittle kid, what can you expect from a wittle kid hitchhiking to Albequoiky to visit Bugs Bunny.

Cindy
   

Well, my advice would be, don't take any wrong turns, and be bewwy bewwy quiet!

Mehh To late I took a left at Albequoiky and wound up in my mate Wing Walkers apartment in Washington DC. then we both took a wrong toin in Ontario and ended up in Vancouver BC, Maybe I should just stick to looking for a rabbit hole.

Cindy

It was two dreams of myself as a woman that precipitated my coming out to myself and beginning this whole process. Those dreams were the inevitable rising to full consciousness of my long-buried truth. A few days after those dreams, I finally stopped denying and admitted that I'm trans, and from that moment on my whole existence has been radically transformed. Dreams are some powerful stuff, baby.

My favorite quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "The future belongs to those who believe in the reality of their dreams." And how.

My dreams lately consist of both the male me and the female me. We're both fighting some sort of hardship together. Whether it is solving a difficult problem that has been troubling me, or just fantasy fighting. What does this mean???

I've always felt different and dreamed that was female but why is Michael there with Amrisa now???

...

I just don't know. Do any of you people have any ideas??

Stealth,

I just wanted you to know that I was here and I saw this.
I am glad you are you, you always brighten my day.
I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I have my own personal dreams, as you
know lil bits of my story as being a survivor, so can understand somewhat.
Just wanted you to know I am here for you and wanna be.

your friend,
mystic aka tink