Hello everyone,
It's me Elizabeth. I am a 44 year old transsexual. I have been full time for almost 2 years now. I realized I was a transsexual when I was 9 and read a Readers Digest article about a woman trapped in a man's body. Up until then I knew something was wrong, but was not sure what. As soon as I read that article, I knew that I had the same problem. That same day, my official denial of being a transsexual began.
It was my intention to take this secret to my grave. I was the usual loner type, didn't date much, was a virgin until I was 21. Until age 19, I had never fully dressed up, but had been wearing panties since I was 11. At 22 I met a woman and after a year of dating, a year and a half of living together, we married. Other than wearing her nightgown while she was away I seemed to have kicked the crossdressing habit.
But a year into the marriage, and on kid later, the urge came back stronger than ever. My now exwife was a very open minded person, so in a series of intimate disclosures, I showed her that I really liked wearing women's panties, stockings and garters. While at first she seemed ok with it, she later showed displeasure. I went underground until about a year later when she found out that I was dressing up all the way, with her clothes.
We had a huge blowout that ended with her telling me I had to stop crossdressing. This started a 14 year period of buying, wearing, getting caught, fighting, purging and starting over again. In 1994 we fjnally reached an agreement where i could wear women's underwear, although it was begrudging by my exwife. This lasted until 1998 when in another huge fight, she insisted I stop wearing girls underwear.
I really tried, but I actually was so upset about it, I could not concentrate at work. I went home midday during work, put on some panties and told my exwife that I was not going to be able to quit, and she was going to have to divorce me if it was that big of a problem for her. This was a turning point in our relationship. I resented her for not allowing me to be the person I wanted to be, and she resented me for ignoring her ultimatum. By this point we have four kids aged 16, 12, 8, and 5, an electrical contracting business to run, a mortgage, and all the usual things.
We steadily grew apart until I finally had to stop working in 2002 because of fibromyalgia. I went on State disability then SS disablity. I went from making 90k a year to making 30k a year. The day I quit working, she quit having sex with me, and became very hostile towards me. I had made a lot of money in the past and she did not have to work, which she bragged about. Having to go back to work must have really pissed her off. To get to the point, she started having an affair, outted me to my brother and we split in July 2004.
I had come out of the closet completely, after being outted to my brother. I joined a crossdresser support forum in May, 2004, which was a really great place and really helped me. It made me realize that things were never going to work out between me and my now exwife. I suspected she was having an affair and it had been a long time since we had any kind of meaningful relationship. I asked her to leave, and finally forced the issue. She left with my youngest son, oldest daughter and moved in with her bf. Two weeks after she left, I was dressing full time.
I have grown a lot in the two years that I have been full time. I have outgrown the crossdresser forum. Most of the people there want to talk about what panties they bought today. Very few are willing talk about real issues, unlike when I first arrived there.
Here I am. I have been to therapy, but not a gender specialist. I am too poor to be able to afford a gender specialist. This rules out going on hormones for a while and I don't know where I would come up with the money to transition. For these reasons I am a financial non-op transsexual. I have returned to college and hope to return to the workforce in a job that I can use my mind, instead of my body.
In October, 2004 I met and fell in love with a Canadian woman, whom I have subsequently married. She met me as Elizabeth and is totally supportive and loves the person I am. Yesterday was our one year anniversary. My 14 and 19 year old sons both live with me and I get good visitation with my youngest son. I am estranged from my adopted daughter, that my wife had from a previous marriage, that took sides against me in the divorce.
That's it. Now you are up to date.
BTW, I have tried to figure it out, but can't seem to figure out how to post my real pic as an avatar. If someone could help me out, I would be grateful.
Love always,
Elizabeth
