I have not posted here much as of yet, I have been reading the boards for quite some time.  You all have such great input. Here is a little brief background on myself.  I have been married for 18 years.  My wife has known about my desire to crossdress for about 8 years now. After telling my wife she went through a period of shock, anger and finally acceptance. Over the years since I told her I have been consumed with family and work.  I have not really committed much time to crossdressing and developing my fem self. I am now feeling a strong pull to start express my other side.  My wife is very supportive of my feelings to express myself through crossdressing.  Through much reading, talking and understanding she and I both realize that being a crossdresser is part of what makes me the man she loves.  Through our discussion we have been pondering the questions below.

The question I would like to pose to all you here is: How does being a crossdresser define you sexuality?  What role does it play?  I know for some when you are enfem you are attracted to men. For others, myself included, you are still attracted to women.  Finally for you, what is the sexual component, if any, of your desire to crossdress? 

If I am out of line with these types of questions or breaking the rules of the message board please let me know.

Lora

Hi Lora,

I don't think your out of line here at all after all this is that sexuality forum. Provided we don't get into intimate details it's fine.

I am a CD also and have been for almost fourty years. I believe that it defines my sexuality in that when I am intimate with my wife there is a fine line between whether I am a man with a woman or a woman with a woman or a woman with a man. Physically it is obvious most of the time although there are erogenous zones that when stimaulated makes it all a little fuzzy.

I think it was DennisinGA who very recently said in one of the forums that sex is 90% in the mind. Certainly this is the case with most women from what I understand and it is certainly the case for me. My understanding of most men is that it's likely to be 10% in the mind and 90% grunt but I digress. It is the mind and it's ability to fantasize that allows you to change roles and actually experience the feeling of being different from the physical reality.

For some CD's there is also the sexuality of crossdressing particularly in the beginning. I personally experienced this in the beginning and through my teens however I belive that to be more related to being a teenager and all that testosterone being confused by my desire to crossdress.

These days I feel that I walk a line between male and female and because of that it extends into my sexuality. I feel that I have a feminine side that expresses herself in all aspects of my life. Shelley is a very real part of my life. Few know of the reality of Shelley but many have commented on my ability to be in touch with my softer side (thanks to Shelley).

So I guess the answer to your question is yes Shelley does have a need to express herself in the sexual side of my life although those around me are not necessarily aware of it at the time.

Shelley

Hi Lora,

First I think you are asking a some very intresting questions.
I also am a CD and have been married for over 31 years. Ilove my spouse.
But only recently accepted what I am, mostly female in a male exterior.
I agree with what Shelly said

QuoteI feel that I have a feminine side that expresses herself in all aspects of my life.

My cross-dressing is not a sexual thing but it is an outward expression of who I am.
I do enjoy dressing up and being able to look like the "worldly view" of who I really am.
The female in me whats to wear soft, silky, clothing. Wants longer nails and hair.

To answer your question

Quotewhen you are enfem you are attracted to men

No I am not and have never been sexually intrested in men.


Jillieann

Hi Lora,

Welcome to Susan's. I can't really answer your questions from a CD standpoint. I only know that component from my CD friends here. I'm a MtF TS. I live full time. But, perhaps I can give you another point of view. I have never been sexually turned on by dressing enfemme. It is merely a natural extension of myself. I do find some men attractive but not in a sexual context. I am only attracted to women and more specifically my wife of 25 years. Of course as a by product of HRT I have very little libido these days. Not non existant but there are two factors. 1) HRT itself has taken a toll. 2) The idea of sex with my current equipment is repulsive.

As I said I can't speak for CD's but since you seemed to be asking everyone I thought I'd give you at least one TS's point of view. As you have said you have been reading the boards and I'm sure you are discovering there is a wealth of information here and a lot of friendly people. So fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

Although gender and sexuality are not the same thing, it is difficult at times to separate them.  I can say that I am a heterosexual male who enjoys expressing my feminine side by dressing en femme. But what exactly is "expressing the feminine"?  It is not just wearing the clothes, although this is an important element for me.  It is also behavior and feelings.  The full range of feminine behavior and feelings includes sexual behavior and feelings.

I have been happily married for over 35 years.  My wife knows about my crossdressing and is quite supportive and understanding, but one line that we do not cross is mixing sexuality with my crossdressing.  We may exchange kisses when I am dressed en femme, but any serious intimacy is reserved for my male role.  So as far as outward expression, we separate crossdressing and sexuality.

But it is quite another thing to separate gender and sexuality in private fantasies.  While I am completely heterosexual in behavior, I often have fantasies in which I am a woman in a relationship with a man.  These may be somewhat more frequent when I am dressed en femme, but they are not limited to then.  When watching a romantic movie, I often empathize with the female characters.  This occurred most recently when my wife and I saw "Pride and Prejudice"--a film I enthusiastically recommend.  I would not describe these fantasies as "homosexual", since the relationship I imagine is a heterosexual relationship between a man and a woman--it is just that I imagine myself as the woman.

Hi Lora,

When I was younger, I found crossdressing to be sexually arousing, but as I have gotten older and more in tune with my inner feelings, I find it to be more of an expression of who I really am on the inside.  For example, when I am driving, sometimes I will put on my earrings, some lipstick, a pink baseball cap, and female sunglasses, and I feel great.  There is nothing sexual about that for me, just letting my feminine side come through.  I am strictly heterosexual, but when my wife and I make love I imagine we are a lesbian couple.  If she touches me the way a woman likes to be touched my mood and excitement level are elevated 10-fold.  When she touches me the way a man would normally like to be touched, my excitement level drops like a rock.  I hope this helps.

Lisabeth

Hieee,
I'm in my forties and have enjoyed dressing ever since I was 12 or so. it started wth my mother's silky panties from the wash before washing) and then i graduated on to other lingerie.
I love painting my toesies, wearing ankle chains and toe rings and of course make up.
i sleep in a babydoll often with something phallic shaped where i pretend I'm pleasing a man orally.
i am straight and love feminine company but have had two gay experiences, once where i was dressed very girlie.
The problem now is I'm in a very conservative Moslem country in the Persian gulf and it's very difficult to find Cd companionship.
in fact, dressing is an arrestable offense here.
Just wanted to share my thoughts and hugs and kisses to all us girly girls out there.
Love
Joanna

Welcome to Susan's Joanna!

I'm glad you found us and have chosen to contibute to our forum.  I hope that your sharing via the internet doesn't out you in any way.  Is it illegal even when you CD at home alone?  I think that's awful but at least you don't run the risk of being murdered by a vigilante group the way things are happening in Iraq.

Please make sure you read and follow the site rules and feel free to contribute in any of the various message boards but don't limit yourself to the forum alone, the WIKI links and other features of this site are also very good.  I'll be looking forward to reading more from you,

again, WELCOME!
helen

Hi Lora... good topic!

I am a transitioning TS, but for years (going back to some of my earliest memories) I have known I was female, and dressed accordingly when possible. I never thought it would be possible for me to transition, so dressing the part in private was my only outlet.

After reaching puberty there was of course a sexual component to it, but it was never the point of dressing. I was becoming a sexual person and as I knew I was female, my sexuality was strongest when I was expressing my true gender.

Over the years dressing became more and more a part of my life, as my despair at having to live as a male grew stronger. Sex remained incidental, and even when I wasn't dressed, my sexual fantasies were those of a woman. In my relationships I was, in my mind, female.

Now that I have finally begun to transition, clothing still plays a big part, although in ways different from before. Prior to realizing that change was possible, I tended to dress in an ultra-feminine manner, compensating for my hated masculinity. As my transition progresses, I tend to dress more casually, with the more feminine look reserved for special times, like going out clubbing, or meeting friends for Sunday brunch.

The necessity of dressing as a male at times has become horribly depressing; I am still working as a male, and spending 10 hours a day 5 days a week that way is getting to be more than I can abide. I try to make it a bit easier to deal with by wearing all womens clothing, even in male mode: jeans, sneakers, and tops that are androgynous enough to get away with. I'm hoping that won't be necessary much longer.

By the way, if it matters, my orientation has always been toward women, although I have to admit I have recently begun to see the appeal of men. Well, some of them, anyway!

Annie

In my sexual relationships while physically I functioned as a male emotionally, and in my sexual fantacies I have been the female.   With my current spouce I am her girl friend emotionally and have stated so during sex.   When I come home from work I am out of my male uniform and into my own female clothes as soon as possible.    Even thought surgery is not in my future I my femininity grows daily.

"The question I would like to pose to all you here is: How does being a crossdresser define you sexuality?  What role does it play?  I know for some when you are enfem you are attracted to men. For others, myself included, you are still attracted to women.  Finally for you, what is the sexual component, if any, of your desire to crossdress?"

I don't think the crossdressing defines my sexuality, but is part of it. I am attracted only to genetic females. I am Blessed to have a Bride who not only knows and accepts, but participates in my crossdressing, whether we be just about the house, eating, reading, on-line, watching television or in the most intimate of moments.

Some believe that our sexuality is determined either by "nature" (predisposition) or "nurture" (environment). I am from the camp which believes it is part of our nature.

For some, crossdressing has no sexual component at all. For others, it is what is considered a "fetish" and there are many degrees in between. For me, crossdressing is simply expression of the balance of masculinity and femininity I've been Blessed with whether in a sexual setting or not. When in male mode (EnDrab) in a public setting I am considered an "Alpha male". With my Bride the blending of the masculine and feminine is always present regardless of attire or lack thereof. EnFemme I am passive/submissive to my Bride and she takes a more Dominant role.

When the libido was a big part of what clued me in to what I am, actually crossdressing was too intense for me, pretty much. I have always had a harsh mix of hormonal activity. The basically female sexuality was stimulating the male parts. Too much, it was eventually like torture to me, and I self-medicated that out of existence. Entirely.
Now that I have accepted my fate as it were, what I wear does not seem to me as a cross-dressing expression.
The only sexual component is more like this example: my friend and I bought some real similar long - up to here - sox. While comparing the look, she giggled and said: "I think we're supposed to wear little skirts with these!" And we both sorta squealed like schoolgirls. (pretty immature huh?)
So I can imagine the dressing, being attractive to a male sexuality, no doubt. Have not actually been there or done that.
Oh and per this part of your question: I am somewhat interested in men sexually, a thing that was really hidden til recently, but not attracted to them. In fact, emotionally and mentally they tend to leave me cold, but maybe I travel in the wrong circles.

Quote from: jan c on May 29, 2006, 02:52:26 PMI am somewhat interested in men sexually, a thing that was really hidden til recently, but not attracted to them. In fact, emotionally and mentally they tend to leave me cold, but maybe I travel in the wrong circles.

Jan, I'm going through something similar, but in a different way: I've begun to feel an attraction to men sexually, but not physically.

What I mean by that is that I'm discovering that I like the idea of being with a man sexually, and I'm really turned on by the little touches, the protectiveness, the arm around the waist, and so on. Yet the sight of a guy does nothing for me. It's not like the attraction I had toward women, where I would see someone really hot and fantasize about being with them.

Maybe it's just part of the difference between men and women.

Annie

yeah Annie, the whole 'that guy is really cute/hot' thing is lost on me. I've considered the thought that the visual cue to a turn-on is more of a male than a female thing, we've all heard that said, but I donno about that.
I'm probably just a 'lesbian' with a kink.
A little like you have pointed out, I find certain behaviors 'cute' (but lol a little like I find children cute) or sweet even...

Heya

What an interesting thread this one...
I was once capable of being attractive to both men and women, but only women caught my eye and only because I desired to construct an image of me that was as close as to how they look as possible, not because I wish to make love to a beautiful woman...I only wish to have a body like hers when I look at her !

Crossdressing doesn´t necessarily excite me - Crossdressing per se doesn´t really exist when you already think of yourself as being a woman, it´s just the right clothes fitting the right person, the inner identity...

So I crossdress for that matter for the time being, and what I think and feel right now is that I´m attracted to CDs that are attracted to CDs - whoever they may be
So it´s all a bit confusing, I´m not gay and I´m not hetero either I somehow feel this ( CD/TG ) is the gender I´m attracted to...

I think you & your wife are right when she stated

Quoteshe and I both realize that being a crossdresser is part of what makes me the man she loves.

By you crossdressing you are exploring your feminine side and becoming more in touch with your feelings and emotions
(what most Men lack! )
I mean what woman doesn't want a man who is both sensative & well in touch with his emotions but still a man.

Quotewhat is the sexual component, if any, of your desire to crossdress?

Many factors fall into this catagory but Im not one for boxes!
but for some it's a sexual turn on. for others its a way in which to explore your feminine side, for others a way to get more in touch with your emotions and feelings. For me it WAS or began has a manner of fashion!
I mean come on dressed up has man is just a suit give a girl some flare &\or variety skirt, pants set, dress, ball gown oh my!
as for defining your sexuality just stop why bother! LOL
Your still attracted to the wife & women in general so I'd say sexuality defined

or maybe I just had way to much chocolate this morning.
In any case just an opinion.

Wishing there really was a Wonka chocalote factory
Chynna

Quote from: Marlene on May 31, 2006, 07:55:56 AM
What an interesting thread this one...

Interesting, indeed. Let me ask: Do some hetero-indentified CDs ever fantasize about male partners, even if the reality is not something you have pursued? In other words, even for straight CD guys, is dressing in a female way associated with ideas of being sexual in a female way?

Or is this completely beyond such categories?

hetro-identified CD,  well I guess I would fit that description.   Yes I have fantasized often about male partners with me always playing the part of a woman.  I was a thing that worried and distressed me as I thought it signified I was gay.   In real life I have never seen any man that interested me sexually.
I funny thing I noticed, since I told my wife about Rana,  and since I told all of this to a therapist, those fantasys have stopped - I did not even miss them or in fact realise they had gone until I read this post

Rana

Quote from: mrcool on June 04, 2006, 10:06:52 PM
... is dressing in a female way associated with ideas of being sexual in a female way?

Or is this completely beyond such categories?

stepping out onto a shaky branch, possibly...

It has been my thought for some time - and this is just me, so like, chill - that the whole "85% of cds are hetero" has got to be taking their reporting at face value, as 100% reliable. (and not talking about categories other than the 'dresses for sexual gratification, on some level' one here.)

What are these clothes - EG: Frederick's, V.S., U-Name-It, designed to primarily do? dressing in a female sexual role has got to indicate desire to be sexual in a female way.

so many points to ponder

QuoteFinally for you, what is the sexual component, if any, of your desire to crossdress?"

My desire to crossdress at this point in time has no sexual component. do i fantasize about sexual activity as a woman, Yes. But not when dressed though.

Trudi

QuoteI don't think the crossdressing defines my sexuality, but is part of it. I am attracted only to genetic females.

I find that this is very much my attuted. I continue to be very attracted to women.
trudi has another excelent point

QuoteFor me, crossdressing is simply expression of the balance of masculinity and femininity I've been Blessed with whether in a sexual setting or not.

I beleve what i am searching for is such a balance

I am not a man in a dress
I am a woman when dressed
my reflection is that of a woman


Chynna you have a great point here

QuoteBy you crossdressing you are exploring your feminine side and becoming more in touch with your feelings and emotions

(hey I got that into a quote box )

I have much to explore with Kate.


Rana Welcome back

QuoteI was a thing that worried and distressed me as I thought it signified I was gay.   In real life I have never seen any man that interested me sexually.

this worries me also, but i am not intrested in men so i wont panic yet.


KateAlice