Having been through and finished transition, my life now is not how I imagined it to be.
Before transition, I guess I had all the paranoia and normal fear that everyone starts out with. Passing was going to be utopia, acceptance was probably never going to happen and the rest of my life was going to be spent in lonely isolation, being ridiculed and an outcast of Society. Unable to do many of the hobbies and past times I had previously enjoyed.
During transition and going into Full Time, my feelings began to change. After starting hormones, having speach therapy, overcoming the whole coming out process and being the "novelty act" for a few months at work. Everything started to settle down into a kind of normality. Despite going through a painful divorce and other family issues, I started to change my perception of where my life was going.
I actually started to become sociable, confident and enjoy the company of others and this without the paranoia I had held about passing and being accepted. I made new friends, which have been deep meaningful friendships and many of those still remain today.
Looking back over the post op years, I know realize that being made redundant was a blessing in disguise (although it did not seem like that at the time). It enabled me to escape my transsexual past, by moving abroad, starting afresh and going to a place that I actually live in stealth.
I started a new job, travelled the World, went to many of the places I hade dreamed about, but never thought I would see (Kyoto, Mysore, Petra, Great Wall of China etc). I even resumed a sporting career that I had all but given up on and reached a level I never considered possible, when I played in two international tournaments in 2007.
Today I run my own business, I am my own boss, have wonderful home and American boyfriend (well thats a downside I know), great social life and do the one thing I had only ever wanted to really do in my life, just be me.
My relationship with my Father is something I know cherish, we are close friends, Father and Daughter as before we where never Father and Son, that just didn't work.
There are many things that transition has cost me, I will probably never see my sons again, never see them marry or see my grand children, I have lost a wife I actually loved deeply, but couldnt return that love when I could no longer bear the role of husband and father.
As we cannot change the past, we cannot predict the future. Our history is there to be written and I for one know realize how negative that woukd have been, If I hadn't transitioned or embraced my new life.
As for the future........ Its what I want to make of it.
Buffy
