Some days it's hard to get out of bed. Some days you just want to go back to sleep. Some days you feel like it's too hard to bear...and right now I'm feeling the latter.

I feel like I've lost two near and dear loves to me this week, and I'm crashing and burning on the heartbreak right now. And then tomorrow I will be coming out to my parents (at an appointment with my current therapist) and I just feel like I'm going to lose them too. That'll be all four people who got to my innermost core capable of loving people that I've lost. But I should probably explain first.

My little sister and I were the worst of enemies as kids, then best friends as we grew up. She was my best friend when I had no one else, and she was still my best friend when people began coming into my life. I would have done anything for her, and sometimes I felt like the feeling was mutual. I'm not entirely sure now. I know she's been slipping away from me progressively as she hit age 17 this summer, but she's always been super mature to the point that I saw her as a 40 year old (haha) never a teenager. I know I'm her big bro but she'd be giving ME advice sometimes. This summer, I lost my best friend, my little sister. I don't know if it's because I am trans, but I doubt it. I feel like her age finally caught up to her and she's beginning to act like the teenager I used to be. Trust me, I see the signs. Always in her room, very anti social, thinks everyone's out to get her. Yeah, I was there at her age.

Earlier in the week, she was pissed because she had to go do a favor for my aunt, and while we were waiting on the paperwork I told her I was coming out to my parents this week. She already knows who I am. She said, "Look, I don't care, ok?" In a very mean tone...which made it sound to me like "I don't really care about you." That one hurt. I would do anything for my little sister, even tear the shirt off my back, and I always listened to her problems and supported her and the one thing I really need her support on, she "doesn't really care" about. Then she went on to rant about how this was a waste of an hour of her time for about 20 minutes (no joke) with one little sentence mentioning how it sucked that me and my friend had to be dragged into it. I didn't want to hear it anymore. It was like "I don't really care" was the final confirmation in me losing my sister. She's gone. A huge part of my life, someone I cared more about than anyone in the world is gone and I'll never get her back. And it's killing me.

What kills me more is when I see her act really nice to people in our family, friends I bring home, but when I turn to her for that same kindness, she snubs me, gives me short answers, and acts as  though she doesn't want to be in the same room with me. This week when she said she didn't care about what I was going through, it's like it clicked for me, she really doesn't care anymore about me or anything to do with me. And I thought I could deal with that, but after tonight I'm not sure I can. It finally caught up with me, and it hurts a lot.


Then there's my best friend. She's also one of the four closest to my heart. I've known her only online for 8 years, and finally this week I got to meet her, she came to stay with me. She's still here yeah, not leaving til Saturday. For the longest time I was sure I only saw her as a really close friend but tonight I realized she's more than that to me, that I think I might have fallen for her somewhere along the line. This saddened me, because I know her in and out and she knows me in and out. She's a maneater, she takes joy in messing with guys' emotions. This never bothered me because she never had her focus on me before, but after tonight I really saw past the obvious. It's one thing to know someone, but another thing to realize that you fell for them despite knowing who they were, and that you didn't see the full picture until after you were heart broken over them.

In short, she's an awesome friend to me, and I don't want to lose her as a best friend, but today I've realized in one crashing blow in the same night, that I've fallen for her, and I have to get over her at the same time. There will never be a future for us besides being friends. All week, I've been sort of teasing her with this slinky, dragging it lightly across her skin (I know, I'm weird) cause I figured it tickles and she's ticklish, but it did nothing but irritate her, and she finally exploded about it tonight. I felt bad cause I kept doing it subconsciously and I didn't mean to aggravate her. But before I could apologize, I went back to my room and thought it over because I was getting pissed off. She'd said "I kept teasing her with the slinky and she wanted it to stop" and the more I thought about it, the more I realized she's been teasing me all week.

I've never had a serious, tangible relationship with anyone and here she was in the flesh, making light of my sexual frustrations, saying that I could practice on her, but not really following through with anything and constantly teasing me about it. Earlier in the week, I thought it was okay cause I thought we were both joking around, flirting, but now that I think about it, it's not flirting if you keep trying to coax someone into using you as a "practice dummy" when you've repeatedly told them you didn't want that kind of thing to make your friendship weird, despite your sexual frustration not caring in the least bit about something like that, your head rules. I don't want to lose her as a friend, especially not over something that stupid. Despite all her teasing this week, I know she's still a good friend to me because she's always there for me and always listening to my problems and supporting me.

The thing is though, I had to stay in my room for a while because I was getting pissed that she was bothered by my "tickling her" aka "teasing her" with a stupid object, whereas she'd been teasing me sexually and emotionally all week. Everytime she teased me sexually, it just kept reminding me that I'd never been with anyone (not even kissing) and that I'd loved many people in my lifetime but I don't think anyone has ever loved me back. And now she's added to the "I love you but you don't love me" list. So I almost felt like going back out there and yelling at her that how dare she be angry at me for teasing her in a tickling matter when I should be angry that she'd been toying with my emotions all week. Then I reminded myself that she may not know there's all that emotional baggage attached everytime she teases me, so I tried to let it go.

But it hurts, realizing that I'd crushed on her and had to get over it in the same night. I can't be with her and now I have a second heartbreak in the same week killing me, cause it just keeps reminding how I love people no matter their flaws, but no one ever loves me back. First my sister, now her.

The pain is unbearable and I feel like an idiot because I'm always falling for people I can't have....I wish I wasn't such a loving person sometimes. Especially right now when it hurts so much.


Then there's tomorrow. And the inevitable appointment with my therapist and parents. I've lost two of the four people closest to my heart and now I'm about to lose the remaining two, my parents.

I'm glad that I have such great friends at school, I feel truly lucky that they've been giving me nothing but love and support since I came out to them..... But none of them are as close to my heart as my parents, my sister, and my best friend. And it hurts to lose them all in the same week.

This week is hell for me, and it's never going to stop, especially after tomorrow.

Some days it's hard to get out of bed. Some days you just want to go back to sleep. Some days you feel like it's too hard to bear...someone please tell me it'll all be alright someday. I think I can keep pushing forward as long as I know it will be alright, maybe not now, maybe not next week, maybe not 5 years from now. But someday. Someday this unbearable heartache will leave me.

When I first read the bit where you said "I feel like I've lost two near and dear loves to me this week, and I'm crashing and burning on the heartbreak right now", I immediately thought that they'd died. So, the short answer is that they're not dead, they're still with you, so you haven't lost them completely. Very simplistic way of looking at it, but at least you've not lost them *forever* forever. 

Less simplistically...

Your sister is at the same delightful age as my brother, while both of us are on the upper side of it (I'm 21). So you know for yourself, as I know for myself, that no matter what you were like when you were that age, you're certainly not like that now (at least, you don't sound like an egocentric anti-social teen ). So if you're a perfectly humane person, and I'm a perfectly humane person (I think ), and most people are perfectly humane when they become de-teened, then there is hope for our teened siblings. If she's your sister and she cared about you before, then I doubt very much that you'll have lost her forever. She may take a little while to come around - remember, she's coping with an out big brother as well as her uncontrollably-fluctuating hormones (female hormones are not fun during adolescence, trust me) - but as I said, that will end, and when it does, she'll probably be as lovely as she was before. So while I cannot *absolutely* promise that everything will be as it once was, it is *highly likely* that she will be her old self again soon. (She may also have just been having a particularly bad day for some other reason. Horrible coincidences do happen, unfortunately).

Where your friend is concerned, I can fully empathise with your inexperience, but don't have any good advice, sorry. I honestly don't know what to suggest. Maybe talk to your therapist sometime soon about it? If anyone's likely to have helpful advice, they will.

As for your parents and tomorrow, have you actually considered that you *won't* lose them? You seem absolutely certain that you will, but that's really not a given. It's like multiple choice questions: you have to look at each question and answer it independently of all the others. You can't say "well, if the answers for the first three questions were A then A can't possibly be the answer to question 4" - they're all distinct, separate entities that need to be treated as such. You've temporarily (NOT permanently) lost your sister for any number of reasons. You feel as though you've lost your friend, but again, that's for different reasons. Now, your parents, remember, are two individuals who just happen to be married. They are not one and the same person, and so what one thinks is not necessarily going to be the same as the other's opinions. I read something somewhere that talked about how sometimes one parent takes it better than the other - one might be more readily accepting than the other, or they might both be equally accepting, or they might both be accepting but one may show more sincere interest in how you feel, that sort of thing. So, the point is, 1) temporarily lost sister; 2) friend up in air, may have lost, may have not; 3) Mum may take it well tomorrow or may not; 4) Dad may take it well tomorrow or may not. In all honesty, if they mean as much to you as you say (which I don't doubt), then it's highly probable that you mean just as much to them. In which case, I doubt you'll "lose them" as you say. Again, I can't promise, but surely your therapist would not be having this coming out session if they thought there was no hope of acceptance. And remember too that the therapist will be there to help explain things - it's not like you're being locked in a cupboard and told to fight it out. You have emotional support there, and they're your parents, so if they're going to a therapy session they may already be trying to figure things out for themselves.

Sorry, don't know if any of that made sense or helped at all, but, to return to the short answer... I think everything will turn out well. You've formed close relationships with the people around you, meaning they've formed them with you. So yes, I think everything will be fine, if not immediately then certainly soon. When you go in tomorrow, be calm, have some idea of what you want to say, and remain optimistic. If things do happen to go pear-shaped tomorrow (which I doubt will happen, but if worst comes to worst), then you've always got some cyber-shoulders and -tissues here if you need them. But as I said, if I were your therapist and I thought your parents would take it badly, you wouldn't be having said coming out. But you ARE having it. Therefore, your therapist must be think it'll be fine.

  ALL THE BEST!!!!!!!!!! (I'm sure it will go well ).



  Lutin

It won't rain all the time and things do get better. Many of us had to face hell in order to live life as we wanted. I wear those scars with pride now and one day, you will too.

Good luck with the parental units and please let us know how it goes.

Thank you, both of you. I really felt like ->-bleeped-<- last night, so I was trying to get it all off my chest here, so I wouldn't go in to my coming out meeting (Therapist/parents) today with these feelings. It really helped to let it out, I'm about to go in rather level headed, and I have a letter I wrote to them a couple of weeks ago that I'm going to read.

Lutin, you're probably right about my sister. I'm going to miss her for these next few years, but welcome her back with open arms as soon as she comes out of the teen years. I still want to be her protective big bro in the future because I still do love her, though sometimes I try to tell myself I don't to ease the pain of what she's going through.

And thanks Nemosyne, I've faced hell in the past, and I thought I was ready for today's hell, but last night showed me that you can never be ready, you just have to take it as it comes. My scars are relatively small right now, and I hope this doesn't become a huge one between me and my parents.

If you guys want to know how it goes, I'll probably post something later tonight in the thread I started in the FTM area. Thanks for your help you guys are wise beyond your years and I feel a bit better after reading your responses.

Nate