So, I slept with a woman last night. It was good -- I felt almost like a virgin, because my parts are new and it's a completly different experience/feeling. So, there was some sense of awkwardness, but I also enjoyed it.
There was a sense of familiarity because of post-op experience, but un-familiarity at the same time because I started to let go more than I ever have. Post-op, I'd do most of the pleasuring on someone else because of the awkwardness surrounding the ugly-stick. I usually didn't like it to be touched, seen, used, etc. So this was the first time I got to actually sit back and feel a sense of fulfillment sexually. It felt like a new door opened up, and I realized just how much I've been missing out sexually in my relationships (a lot of my past relationships broke down over the sexual part over time... sex isn't the only factor in a relationship, but it can be an important role in a relationship and with bonding).
I've been thinking about it all day (and grinning). I think that the next time and the time after that is going to be better. In a way, I'm not transitioning into my new vagina -- if that makes any sense at all. I feel complete and happy, but psychologically it takes time for the walls I built up to be taken apart. I realized that I have put up walls sexually with my partners in the past due to having the incorrect parts -- and now that part is gone, and the correct one is in place, the walls are slowly starting to come down.
I had a sense of something I never felt -- a sense of letting go for one moment and finally actually being part of the moment fully without walls or borders. I'm very elated to feel this way, even if I recognize that this is just the beginning.
Even non-sexually, I'm starting to notice more confidence in myself. I don't look in the mirror and question myself anymore. I'm starting to feel a sense of completion. Others are noticing it as well, and I've had a few people mention that "there's something different about you" (ppl who don't know about the surgery, ie, regular customers coming into the store). It's a wonderful feeling.
Even when I am with myself, exploring my own body and check'n out the part that should have been there from the beginning, I feel a lot of good things. Not only is there a physical change, but a psychological one was well. It feels as if there's a lot of tensions working their way out. I feel as if a new door has opened up. And most importantly, I feel like myself. I can be confident wearing those tight jeans now.
Anyway, that's my experience anyway. I thought I'd share it although I'm pretty sure others in here have read similar experiences like this over and over and over again in this message board. I just thought I'd write it out anyway.
--natalie
