Hi, my name is Geneva and I am woman (even if I'm stuck with a man's form for now). 

I've managed to keep it supressed until my mid 30s, but it hurts too much to pretend any longer.   I let the fear and ignorance of my backwater ultraconservative, ultrareligious rural community blind me.  I honestly believed the ugly hairy men in dresses stereotypes, but it had started to hurt so much that I didn't care anymore.  I'd been questioning if becoming a monstrous ->-bleeped-<- freak wasn't worse than not being at all.  But then I actually opened my eyes and looked around on the web and saw what ugly lies I'd been fed.  I'd say that no ones could know what finding this place menat to me, but I'm sure many of you know exactly what it is to find out you aren't alone and you AREN'T A FREAK.

Even with this ray of hope I know it won't be easy.  Its funny that while most of the people around mean would see me as living a dream (wife that is a friend also [not just a status symbol], 2 kids, great house, a job that is better than I could have dreamed of in school) I find myself forced to risk it all.  I dare not even dream of keeping any of it and that makes this hurt all the more, but I don't have a choice anymore (not that I ever did really).

I started this post with shaking hands, but I'm finishing it (slowly) with tears and sobs.  At least as much as years of hearing boys don't cry and thinking I was a boy will let me.  Even this is hard as I try to let go of the "shame" of crying.


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CREATING THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to Susan's, Geneva.

*hands over a box of tissues*
*big hug*

You're among friends now, no need to hide yourself away anymore. Come on in and make yourself at home. This is a place unlike any other, and I'm sure you'll be making friends and chatting away before too long.

It's great to meet you, honey.

Hi Geneva,

Welcome to our little family. Over 1800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.

There is nothing wrong with crying.  It is a release for tension.  If you browse the various threads you will see that most of us have very similar prior lives.
Be sure to read the signature lines under our replies.  Some times you can find words of wisdom.

Janet

sounds like a big day.
welcome to the site.

Hi!.


Just wanted to say hi.  Your post resonated with me; I felt the exact same way when I made my first post.   But you don't have to feel like that, you don't have to feel nervous or hesitant about being who you are or even exploring who you are in this place. ^_^  The people here are really nice, you'll see.

Anyway.  Welcome!

-Floating.

*comfort*
Hello there, welcome to this place

Aw... This is so hard for you.  We're here to help.

Quote from: hiddenflame on August 21, 2008, 10:05:21 AM
Hi, my name is Geneva and I am woman (even if I'm stuck with a man's form for now). 

I've managed to keep it supressed until my mid 30s, but it hurts too much to pretend any longer.   I let the fear and ignorance of my backwater ultraconservative, ultrareligious rural community blind me.  I honestly believed the ugly hairy men in dresses stereotypes, but it had started to hurt so much that I didn't care anymore.  I'd been questioning if becoming a monstrous ->-bleeped-<- freak wasn't worse than not being at all.  But then I actually opened my eyes and looked around on the web and saw what ugly lies I'd been fed.  I'd say that no ones could know what finding this place menat to me, but I'm sure many of you know exactly what it is to find out you aren't alone and you AREN'T A FREAK.

Even with this ray of hope I know it won't be easy.  Its funny that while most of the people around mean would see me as living a dream (wife that is a friend also [not just a status symbol], 2 kids, great house, a job that is better than I could have dreamed of in school) I find myself forced to risk it all.  I dare not even dream of keeping any of it and that makes this hurt all the more, but I don't have a choice anymore (not that I ever did really).

I started this post with shaking hands, but I'm finishing it (slowly) with tears and sobs.  At least as much as years of hearing boys don't cry and thinking I was a boy will let me.  Even this is hard as I try to let go of the "shame" of crying.


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CREATING THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!

Geneva!

I too posted my first entry with fears, tears and sobs.

No, hon, you are not a freak!  You are among friends.  More so, you're among your brothers and sisters!  We all care about you and love you as you are, a beautiful woman, a butterfly in a crysalis.  Soon you will emerge, fully formed and delicate, a wonder to the world.

One piece of advice I can give you now, Gen.  Dare to Dream!

So many of us also feared to dream.  But when you do, you will awaken from the nightmare into the dream.

Many hugs to you!

Feel free to look around.  Ask any questions you like, within the site rules of course, the only stupid questions are the ones you don't ask.  We are pretty casual around here so feel free to kick your heels off (or put them on!  ) and get comfortable!

-Sandy

Hello Geneva and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Hi Geneva

theres alot of people in your postion here so your amongst friends, im of a similar age and position so i totally understand what you mean.

Anyway a warm hug and welcome to Susans.

Welcome Geneva. I'm Nero.
<offers hand>

Hi, Geneva,

Hummm, something about this "I let the fear and ignorance of my backwater ultraconservative, ultrareligious rural community blind me" sounds very familiar to me. O, that's right, I grew up in such a place!! How soon we forget.

It doesn't sound as if you are blind anymore and that is a very huge accomplishment.

It's never easy for any of us human beings to come to terms with ourselves, luv. I imagine if it were the entire world would look very differently than it does. So, as you've already been told there are almost 2000 of us here who share a lot of your experience.

That seems like a really good starting point. You''ll never, ever have to be alone again.

Hugs,

Nichole

Welcome to the forum, Geneva!

There's lots of friendly folk around here of all kinds, so I'm sure there will be people who understand what you are going through.
There is no shame in crying, as someone above me said, it is a great release. Take a deep breath, try to relax a bit, and take each day as it comes.

Cheers,
PolarBear

Thank you all for the welcome.  I'm sorry to be over the top, but I was posting as much to come out to myself as to introduce.  Sort of a there I've said it and lightning didn't strike and the world didn't end.

I'll probably be on here a lot since its 100+ miles to any gender identity support groups/therapists.

It really helps to see that others are (or even better have already) dealt with this.  I've already found dozens of very important lessons from the wiki and other posts.

Thank you all so much.

Geneva

Hi Genive,
Welcome to our wonderful group.  You now have many friends each with their own story. We are all the same yet different.  I too have a wife and family. Who knows how long it will be until I can fully transition.
We all must take it one day at a time.
Wish you the best,

Luv Ronda