Afternoon, guys, dolls, unicorns.

I want to talk about a strange phenomenon I experienced growing up. I didn't trust my body. Now this may or not just be because in elementary school I was your classic geek. So I don't know what came first - the nerd or the bodily distrust. But I had difficulties with anything involving physical exertion.
I didn't trust my body to be able to handle it.

I remember being scared to jump off things that were merely a few feet high and terrified of anything involving balls. I couldn't catch a baseball, couldn't ride a bike. I couldn't do any of those things. Now if it was something I really made myself do until I could, like skate or climb trees, it took me literally forever. And I couldn't just climb a tree I didn't 'know' intimately.
And it would take weeks to get acquainted with the tree and which branches to step on, which path to take, etc.
Running was pretty much the only thing I could do and that abruptly became near impossible the second breast buds appeared. I would not run or make any sudden moves for fear THEY would move.

I just didn't trust my body to do anything and it felt detached from me. I wasn't 'one' with it, I didn't know it, I didn't trust it.
The only way I got to know it was through sex. The only time I trust my body.


Just wondering if anyone else had this (though I doubt it) or any thoughts, comments, etc.
And nobody dare laugh.

Can't say I can relate on this one.  From the time I was able to know what sports were i was involved in them.  I was the typical "tomboy" who was up to any challenge.

Yeah, I can relate.  I'm not sure if it was because I didn't trust my body; I really didn't think of it using those exact words, though I remember a distinct feeling of discomfort with being seen.  I wasn't much a fan of anything physical that I had to do in front of other people.  When I was very little (4-ish and not aware of any differences between little boys and little girls), I didn't have any problems with team sports.  Loved 'em, in fact, even if I just played mostly T-ball  .  As I got older, went to kindergarten, and tried to get in on the kickball games that the boys were playing (rejected: "No! Go away, you're a girl! Go play jump rope with the other girls!"), I started getting hella insecure. 

It wasn't too long before I hated playing team sports of any form (we played them in gym class), but by then it was mostly because I sucked at 'em.  I played "like a girl" (sorry to the girls here, that's just what everybody said).  I guess I should've expected it--I couldn't hone my skills with the boys (the girls didn't play any sports during recess) and I didn't really get much practice.  I did, however, focus on things I could do alone: I loved swimming, mountain biking, ice skating, roller blading, hiking, climbing trees, trying to play-wrestle (which is hard to do alone), and jumping off things like a maniac.  As long as I wasn't being watched (so I couldn't be seen and exposed as 'just a girl' by, I dunno, my movements or lack of skill or something), I loved physical stuff and thought of myself as reasonably strong--right up until the guys went through puberty and there was no way I could compare any longer.

Well, I've never trusted my body.

It's an unresponsive mess, I can't catch, run like a girl and could only manage to tie my shoelaces by the age of ten. My motor skills are dreadful, I was banned from both art and woodwork classes, and was excused from sewing and sport. I could take two one hour lessons trying to thread a needle. I have slips of paper I put on the ends of sellotape to stop meself losing it. I'm very scarred from various cuts and burns, none of them intentional.

However, I was very rarely scared of it, just frustrated. I have a cup I painted with the words, 'you can't do everything' something my mum said as i was shouting at the glass because I couldn't draw what i wanted with the paint where everyone else could. 'Tis a good thing to learn.

Quote from: Pica Pica on August 21, 2008, 04:02:21 PM
Well, I've never trusted my body.

It's an unresponsive mess, I can't catch, run like a girl and could only manage to tie my shoelaces by the age of ten. My motor skills are dreadful, I was banned from both art and woodwork classes, and was excused from sewing and sport. I could take two one hour lessons trying to thread a needle. I have slips of paper I put on the ends of sellotape to stop meself losing it. I'm very scarred from various cuts and burns, none of them intentional.

However, I was very rarely scared of it, just frustrated. I have a cup I painted with the words, 'you can't do everything' something my mum said as i was shouting at the glass because I couldn't draw what i wanted with the paint where everyone else could. 'Tis a good thing to learn.

aww poor baby.

I can relate to that, Pica. I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was 10 and (even though I am embarrassed to admit this) I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 17. I had a lot of problems growing up due to poor motor skills and it made me REALLY hate myself in the process. Then the GID stuff was added to that and I felt like such a pathetic lump of flesh.

You just put yourself in a position where that won't happen. Have velcro shoes, buckles if you feel brave, practice tying laces in your spare time. Stuff like that.

Quote from: Pica Pica on August 21, 2008, 04:49:47 PM
You just put yourself in a position where that won't happen. Have velcro shoes, buckles if you feel brave, practice tying laces in your spare time. Stuff like that.

Yeah, I wore velcro shoes during my childhood and my teenage years (obviously), but I wanted to beat that whole shoe tying thing and I did. Although I still have problems at times due to my "butter fingers". LOL if it's not one thing it's another, eh?

I wouldn't say I didn't trust my body but I wasn't happy with it when puberty started. I had always figured it would become 'normal female' but it went half of each and I felt betrayed. I had boobs and couldn't wear normal boy clothes but had an tiny outie so I wasn't a normal girl either. Many times I came  very close to doing some 'alterations' of my own, to force the issue, but was afraid I would bleed to death and I didn't want to die (yet).

yea, when i hit puberty, i prety much stopped everything physical.  i felt so weak and inferior.

When I was younger I did mistrust my body, not necessarily because of the things it could do or couldn't do, but because it never looked right.  I was always picked on in school and was always afraid.  When puberty hit I was devastated, my voice dropped, the dreaded hair began to show up,  And then there were those damn dreams. Those were the worst.

My parents kept saying things like, ' Boys don't cry', 'Stop acting like a girl', ' No, you can not choice your own clothes, we don't trust you'.  That was the worst the 'we don't trust you'.  I just wanted a skirt like all the girls were wearing.  And the ever popular 'grow up and be a man'.

Janet

Quote from: Nero on August 21, 2008, 02:59:49 PM
{cut}
I remember being scared to jump off things that were merely a few feet high and terrified of anything involving balls. I couldn't catch a baseball, couldn't ride a bike. I couldn't do any of those things. Now if it was something I really made myself do until I could, like skate or climb trees, it took me literally forever. And I couldn't just climb a tree I didn't 'know' intimately.
And it would take weeks to get acquainted with the tree and which branches to step on, which path to take, etc.
{cut}

Nero, have you ever had your depth perception checked?
Those are pretty classic signs of someone with problems in this area.

Quote from: Leslie Ann on August 22, 2008, 03:21:00 AM

Quote from: Nero on August 21, 2008, 02:59:49 PM
{cut}
I remember being scared to jump off things that were merely a few feet high and terrified of anything involving balls. I couldn't catch a baseball, couldn't ride a bike. I couldn't do any of those things. Now if it was something I really made myself do until I could, like skate or climb trees, it took me literally forever. And I couldn't just climb a tree I didn't 'know' intimately.
And it would take weeks to get acquainted with the tree and which branches to step on, which path to take, etc.
{cut}

Nero, have you ever had your depth perception checked?
Those are pretty classic signs of someone with problems in this area.

No. What's that?

I didn't have distrust as a child, but in my adolescence/late teenage years the disconnection to my body became so extreme that I didn't feel like I was walking anymore. I felt more like I was floating places. I stopped trusting my body after I broke my leg the first time, and was told how utterly weak my bones were, and how little calcium I was getting. It just got worse after the hip cause my break had sapped all of my bodys calcium to heal, so ever since then I've run my finger across my shin/tibia and I constantly fear it will break if I do anything with it. Like I'll be running or doing something borderline less lazy than the last year of my life (I used to be hardcore into exercise and I've tasted very good health from it a few times but I stopped caring cause I wanted to gain fat for this...)

I overall feel hollow...

What do I mean?

I feel like Oggie Boogie almost. I feel like people say I'm handsome (or cute... if they know whats going on now)... Or maybe not as much handsome anymore cause I've feminized a bit.

But I feel like under that thin layer of skin, I'm made of writhing filler... Like insects. I'm like a hollow person or something. Like I look like me, but if I ever said, "I don't feel so go-" And keeled over and started leaking out my innards through my shell skin on the ground, I wouldn't feel surprised, just terror ridden.

I have started to feel less like a decaying mummy on estrodiol though. I feel like my body is slowly getting more substance to it, and my disconnection (a thing I've had to manage merely by willing it away and concentrating on reality. Something that got better after the terrible depression it was caused by lifted a TINY bit. 2006 ish) has been "anchored" down by my feminine traits. It feels more like me. Oddly enough for me my breasts are the best thing for it. They keep me in place. They keep me, me. They are the one thing on my body that are totally female other than their DNA. I look at them, and feel so awkward around them cause of my male upbringing, but at the same time feel like they're mine and mine alone, and they have yet to really turn me on or anything. They just are, and I love how thats what they are to me. The more developed I get, the more nutty I feel cause the surreal factor comes in, yet is undeniable when I can feel them there reminding me of what I am. They seemed maybe a TINY bit odd maybe... Until I realized they were me. Not just it, or mine I should say, ME. So sexual confusion has gone away a ton so I can now focus on what I prefer in people. I actually don't fantasize about having a vagina nearly as much anymore cause I am so distracted by a big chunk of my bodys role right now that are starting to hang off of me. I'm more interested in having one now just so the clothes I like would fit me better, and otherwise these other distractions keep me sane and in place I guess, so thats good.

I still don't trust my body per se either. I feel like a volatile chemical bomb walking down the streets. Caffeine, estrogen, possibly higher potassium (we'll see.. My blood test results appt with the endo are on monday. Nothing desperate I don't think... Would have called me otherwise), adrenaline, etc etc etc. I feel like I'll keel over and implode like a balloon... And I also feel like having a nervous breakdown near my best friends all the time when they don't need that.

Wow... I ranted. But I also distrusted my body in school fights AS A CHILD. I'd finally get the chance to punch people in the face, and my limiting mechanism and the reason why they never got hurt was cause I was legitimately afraid of PERMANENTLY damaging them. I feared knocking their teeth out and being haunted forever, even though they were my bully. I probably was internally wise to choose not full-force decking their faces, even if they deserved it.

My distrust of my own destructive power and later physical disconnection. Those are mine.

Hmmm.... interesting topic that ima gonna have to think about for awhile. Thinking back on this did stir up old memories of my dad haranguing me from time to time and during those episodes saying that my actions were girl like. Now that I think about it i'm pretty sure that dad didn't quite know what to do with me as he often compared me to being like my mother, and eventually he let her take the parenting lead. I also got picked on in school a lot. I threw like a girl, and was pretty non-athletic. Perhaps these were some early signs of what was to come (what a shame I didn't know enough to recognize them at the time), but I really don't have memories of not trusting what my body could do. Some things it did quite well, for example, I probably could have gone pro on the motocross circuit had my parents had the funds.

Quote from: Nero on August 22, 2008, 03:48:42 AM

Quote from: Leslie Ann on August 22, 2008, 03:21:00 AM

Quote from: Nero on August 21, 2008, 02:59:49 PM
{cut}
I remember being scared to jump off things that were merely a few feet high and terrified of anything involving balls. I couldn't catch a baseball, couldn't ride a bike. I couldn't do any of those things. Now if it was something I really made myself do until I could, like skate or climb trees, it took me literally forever. And I couldn't just climb a tree I didn't 'know' intimately.
And it would take weeks to get acquainted with the tree and which branches to step on, which path to take, etc.
{cut}

Nero, have you ever had your depth perception checked?
Those are pretty classic signs of someone with problems in this area.

No. What's that?

Depth perception is how you judge distance, speed and height and effects hand/foot/eye coordination.
Catching a ball, you would not be able to tell how fast it was coming at you, or how far away from you it is. Trying to put your foot on a branch, you would not be able to be sure of the exact position of it even while looking right at it.

The three main causes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amblyopia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strabismus
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optic_nerve_hypoplasia

I don't know.  I know at least since puberty I was clumsier than before.   And I never really got used to having something on my chest as I tend to bump things with it a lot and it gets in the way.  I tend to get off balance as well tend to run into things.

Though the fact of wearing glasses made sports difficult for me as well.  I don;t really like much sports now anyways.  Not ball games anyways.  Wish could still wrestle, and wish could still camp without the curves of my body causing me problems sleeping on the ground.  Probably won;t get back into rock climbing, I don't handle hanging over heights real well.  But I miss running (can't do that to well, chest bounces to much)  I run like a girl now   trying to minimize the bouncing.   Went white water rafting once though and would love to do it again.

I was really active as a kid, into team sports like baseball and individual sports like tennis. I did well in sports, though, and was quite coordinated. I also skiied, ran, rode bicycles, climbed trees, swam, and built go-karts and forts.

So I guess the answer would be no here.

Dennis

I had poor motor control when I was young. The problem came from rough birth. It was actually consider learning disability at the time because affects speech and writing. Anyways it meant that many thrown or batted balls ended up bouncing off my body. The school consular thought if I was able to learn to play ball and stuff like that would fit in better and help my self esteem. Nope it doesn't help you fit in or how you feel about yourself. I still trip over my feet and every once in while I just lose my balance.


Anna

My problem wasn't trusting my body to handle what abuse I put it through. I didn't do much in the line of sports but I did spend a lot of time in the woods (or in the trees) and I'd take hiking to an extreme. What I didn't trust was how other people saw my body and what they thought of me because I wouldn't do the whole "This is Sparta" theme as a boy in school.