I used to self-identify as FTM, which meant that I saw myself at the beginning of a long journey--at the "F" part of the journey and not the "M." I started seriously suppressing early in my grad school career a number of years ago. I planned to deal with all of my gay/FTM stuff after my diss was done, but until then, I was sort of in a combination of holding pattern and denial.

For years, I've been trying to research and write my doctoral dissertation. For the past three summers, I have slavishly worked on it. For the past two years, I have worked on it here and there while I taught, sometimes full-time and sometimes part-time.

This summer was supposed to be the "big push" on my doctoral dissertation. I planned to spend fourteen weeks busting my hump and getting the project close to completion. I took a week off for myself--no teaching, no diss, just taking a break. And then, instead of getting back to work on my thesis, I spent a couple more weeks wallowing in gay movies and TV shows, after which I came out to myself, for real. As a gay guy. Not someone who wants to be a gay guy. I finally recognized that my identity is who I am now, not what I want to be at some nebulous time in the future. My body just doesn't match my identity.

Even though I had previously considered myself FTM, this latest revelation was a big deal for me. At first, I was bouncing around the house repeating a new mantra: "I am a gay guy. I am a boy. I am gay. I AM a gay boy, now, right this freaking' minute. Not years from now, but NOW. Gee whiz."

Okay, so I had the big coming out maybe three weeks ago. I've had three weeks to think about nothing but queer/trans stuff. Like many of you, I have become obsessed. But I have my dissertation at the back of my mind, always. I kept thinking, "Now that this identity stuff is out in the open, I still have two and a half months to barrel through my diss before classes start, that is, if they offer me a teaching job." And, "If I start working right now, I'll have more than two months to work on my diss before classes start."

Yesterday, it was, "If I start right now, I'll have a bit less than two months left to..." Well, you get the picture.

Every day, I tell myself to get back to work. Every day I try. Every day I fail.

I guess I'm naive for thinking that I can just go back to "regular" life after dropping such a big bomb on myself so recently, but I'm actually getting quite desperate. Today I received a phone call from my department. They HAVE offered me a job for fall, only 2/3 time, but that will keep me pretty busy, and I won't have much time to do dissertation work. Winter quarter is up in the air. I might work, I might not. They didn't say anything about spring. I want to graduate by spring.

I accepted the job. I told myself, "If this doesn't kick-start me, nothing will."

Yet now I'm in a greater turmoil than ever. When can I stop obsessing? I mean, today was typical. I have done NOTHING useful. I watched a DVD. I munged around the Internet. I paced around and talked to myself. I ate breakfast and lunch. I have spent quite a bit of time on the boards here.

Perhaps I'm feeling the obsession more than I ought to because I'm not working now. I can just obsess the whole day long with no repercussions. Whee.

I know that everyone is different, but is this whole obsession arc the usual thing for most people like us? How long did it take for YOU to settle down and get your act together again? Are there any specialized techniques for getting a grip? I've tried to start a productive routine. I've tried visualizing myself working on the diss. I've tried cajoling. Threatening. Nothing has worked. And I am running out of time.

Any tips? I'm out of ideas.

Posted on: August 04, 2008, 06:30:54 PM

---

Actually, apart from a bit of self-disgust at my own perpetual laziness, I was having quite a good day until I accepted that stupid job. Grrr.

I was obsessed for a few months after I came out to myself. Years later, now, I'm not. But that could be because I can't 'do' anything about it at this point in time.

Um the only thing I could think is to set some sort of schedule for being obsessed. Like only allow yourself to obsess over trans stuff at a certain time each day.

It took me a couple of months.  I settled down after I got my T letter.  But the first month was nothing but OMG, for real? and researching therapists, and researching everything, finding this site and others and reading, reading, reading!!  Now that my transition is mapped out (started T, hysto this month, top surgery in Dec) things are falling into place so I'm getting back to my regularly scheduled life.

Transition has put a HUGE dent in my finances and now my ex tells me he signed up one of the kids for braces to the tune of $5000.  OUCH!

Name change will happen later this month when I can cough up $150.

I think once you start therapy and stuff starts falling into place you'll calm down.

Jay

Quote from: Nero on August 04, 2008, 06:40:59 PM
I was obsessed for a few months after I came out to myself. Years later, now, I'm not. But that could be because I can't 'do' anything about it at this point in time.

Um the only thing I could think is to set some sort of schedule for being obsessed. Like only allow yourself to obsess over trans stuff at a certain time each day.

A few months. A few MONTHS? I can't imagine being on this rollercoaster for that long...this is worse than graduate school. It's true that I have periods of relative calm, but they don't last long.

I've tried to set schedules for working on my diss, but I never thought of trying to set a schedule for obsessing...seems to me that I might have the same problem. "You may obsess for two hours out of every four, Monday through Friday; and allow yourself an extra obsession on the weekends."

Nero, I don't know.

I can't fall asleep, either. My mind races. I can't shut it off. Maybe if I tried to just focus on one unrelated thing, like the image of a zebra.

Maybe I need to start small--try to control one two-hour period once a day. Maybe if I tried to watch Die Hard instead of Breakfast on Pluto and The Rat Patrol instead of Queer As Folk...

No, that won't work. Die Hard will get me thinking, "I wish I looked that good in a wifebeater," and The Rat Patrol pushes my homosocial bonding buttons. All right, then, Dead Like Me. And instead of reading Jamison Green, I can try...I don't know, some Victorian novel. But I don't WANT to.

To slightly alter a Sparks song I know,
"All I ever think about is trans.
All I ever think about is being gay.
All I ever think about is queer...
All right with me."

Is this how addicts feel?

Well it is a major revelation - that there are other people like you and that there's something you can do about it.

Okay - Just get it out of your system then. Watch all the movies you want, read all the books you want and obsess, obsess, obsess. Put on some videos and relieve yourself. That always helps clear the mind for a moment.

Do you really want the PhD?  That dissertation has shattered lives, families (big piles of them) and departments.  The only way to do it is to obsess on it two to three times more than you would about anything else.

It is, in fact a test to see if you can put everything else out of your life for a year or so.

So is it worth it to you to get it?

Know how you feel, I have 3 weeks of class left, and then graduate a few weeks after that... yet because of this obsetion I've only been able to work on the stupid work at school and have gotten behind

Quote from: tekla on August 04, 2008, 07:54:52 PM
Do you really want the PhD?  That dissertation has shattered lives, families (big piles of them) and departments.  The only way to do it is to obsess on it two to three times more than you would about anything else.

It is, in fact a test to see if you can put everything else out of your life for a year or so.

So is it worth it to you to get it?

It's always been worth it. I've had my setbacks, and I've been derailed a couple of times, but this is something new and all-consuming. It's very disturbing to have my summer plans go so badly awry and to feel as if I have no control over it. Could be that Nero is right--in his second post, he said to ride the obsession wave if I thought it would help.

It's the uncertainty that's killing me. If I knew that in a week I would be able to get back to work, that wouldn't be so bad. But if it goes on...and on...yikes.

I really did think that if I was offered a fall teaching job, I would get my ass into gear and make the most of the time that I have left. Instead...you know.

Maybe it'll take a day or two of wrestling with myself. Maybe the job won't feel real until I sign the contract. Maybe, maybe.

In the meantime...ugh.

I do have a new idea now after rereading people's suggestions--Nero's first post got me thinking. Tomorrow I'll sit down for fifteen minutes--JUST fifteen minutes--and try to focus on the book I was reading before everything got so out of hand. If that works, I can always add another fifteen minutes the next hour, and so on. Maybe I'm paralyzed because I'm trying to COMPLETELY stop obsessing and completely turn my attention to the diss. I've been thinking of the dissertation as a replacement for obsessing, not as a complement to it.

Boy howdy, this is hard. I thought I was stronger than this. I mean, if I can laugh when my dissertation chair reads my first sentence and says, "Well, THIS is a stupid thing to say," then you would think that I could exert firmer control over my current fixation.

Aiden, looks like you and I are in the same boat. I hope you manage to achieve some focus. I mean, you are so close. Just three weeks.

Not really being "out" yet to anyone to myself, I think my problem is more about obsessing about the day that I get to be "out." I play the scenes out in my head (as if it did any good). Worst case scenarios, best case scenarios, it takes its toll. I end up spending hours day dreaming and the more I try to not think about it the worse it gets. Its actually what would keep me from doing grad school , period.

It takes awhile.  Me probably about 10-12 months.  I took awhile to get used to the changes from the hormones.  I am still aware of my life and body changing,  but the full blown obsession period is over now.  Sad that I did end up losing some friends because I was too obsessive for awhile. 

Now life feels better and better as time goes by as I am getting more comfortable.

Anyway (as I ramble on & on & on......),  Like you said, give yourself time to recover from that bombshell.  It will take some time to get to that point especially if you haven't even started the physical process yet.

Audrey

Hum, I am not really sure how long I obsessed about passing but for me it wasn't for very long to be honest, only a couple of months tops. I still do go through periods of obsessing about passing, particularly when doing something new or find myself in a situation where I expect tons more scrutiny then normal.

As you gain confidence within yourself the obsession will pass, so it is difficult to say how long it will last for any given person. Just realize that we tend to obsess more about our ability to pass than is truly needed....

For me, it was my mind trying to pin down what the future would be like. I also had a hyperfocus on the concept of gender for a few months. I think it stopped when I started T. Not sure what you could do to lighten it up and get the dissertation done. Maybe promise yourself you can think about whatever you want all day, but you're going to spend one hour on the dissertation and see if you can focus on it.

Dennis

I am very, very much obsessed with being transsexual. However, I try to do other things WHILE I'm obsessing. If I'm looking really good in my binder, I'll sit down to study next to the mirror, etc. It's like I take pleasure in doing everyday things when I do them as John--as ME. I tried to get all my reading and other major-ish starting-out trans stuff (like getting my binders/new clothes) before I started school. It worked fairly well, but... I'm still obsessed.

You say you spend years and years at it so far, three summers, and if I was your mentor I would wonder why you were not done yet.  I spent three years total one to research, one to write it and the worst year in my life, rewriting and rewriting it.  Its the only thing I've ever done that not only gets harder and harder as you go but - and this is what makes it different from say parenting or mountain climbing which also get harder as you go - the rewards for doing it get less and less as time goes on. 

It's why ABD^* is almost the largest academic designation in the book.  And the figures are pretty glum, almost 70% of people in liberal arts PhD programs who finish the class work, and pass the written and oral tests can't finish the book.  Which, is what it is. 

That last year was so bad I would have chosen root canal work or anal surgery over sitting down in front of that screen again.  By the end of it I was emotionally and spiritually dead and in the worst physical shape of my life.  I had not seen any bands I liked that year, I didn't go on tour in the summer, I didn't watch movies, or go on vacation.  I didn't go anywhere without that printout in that damn binder (and the red/blue pencil) and I was 100% unable to enjoy anything. 

One of my favorite things to do has always been to dress up and go out dancing.  I didn't do that either.  The way I dealt with the GID in that period was by buying a couple of schoolgirl outfits that I would wear when I was re-writing.  It was pretty much my only expression that entire year. 

In short, like any PhD says 'in short' without kidding, I obsessed about finishing that damn thing over and above anything, and everything, else in my life.  To the point that when I was done I didn't even care anymore. 

You have to find a way to compartmentalize all that other stuff away for the months you still have to go, knowing that finishing it will only make whatever else comes later in life a bit better.










* - in academia ABD means, all but dissertation.

And thanks, Tekla, for reminding me why I never wanted a Ph.D.  Piled higher and deeper, so they say...

Oh, and then, and then after all that work, all you never get any respect (except in yourself, which is pretty powerful stuff) from anyone else.  Like things like say, combat and major rock band touring, only after you really do it can you begin to understand what it really was.  And, like the other two, it has a very high casulity rate.

The process does break people.  Almost broke me and I'd like to think I'm tuff enough, particularly when you consider that I really didn't need it - I started as a self-improvement way of keeping my mind and sanity (which is way funny in retrospect, and ironic, as most funny stuff in life is) and ended up finishing the race.

Only to find the finish line devoid of people. 

It's like finishing a race at 3:00am in the middle of Death Valley, its cold, its very, very still (which is the best thing, almost surreal when you get there), and its empty as far as the eye can see - and on the valley floor, you can see a long, long ways off.  It's pretty much you and you alone, and that has to be more than enough - or else that breaks you.

But when you finally get your breath and look around, its an awe-inspiring view.  What you know when you're done (about what you studied, and all the other stuff that everyone else taught you in those years) makes you look at the world in a very unique angle - and that is good.  Like I said, I know people who it broke and they either went crazy more or less or they came out the other side and found something that made their life much, much better. 

I do have a doctorate, but not a PhD, and I've finished 2 marathons.  Very empowering.  Made my decision to transition an easy one.  Well, I've already done that, so why not this? 

I remember crossing the finish line of my first marathon.  The last few miles were a mental battle and it was all I could do not to take a break and collapse.  And I swore I wasn't going to let my naysayers win.  And I pushed myself.  The photogs captured a pic of me about 100 ft from the finish line.  I look like I'm going to die.   My hands are so swollen.  I'm hot and sweaty.  The look on my face says OMG I'm gonna die!  But when I finished, I remember thinking, If I can finish a marathon, then I can do ANYTHING!!

Very true.  Not much gets in my way.

Jay

Quote from: tekla on August 06, 2008, 04:47:18 PM
You have to find a way to compartmentalize all that other stuff away for the months you still have to go, knowing that finishing it will only make whatever else comes later in life a bit better.

Tekla, I'm afraid that compartmentalizing is what caused the problem in the first place. I can no longer do that. I'm out to myself now, and I'm not going back in. Somehow, I have to find a way to be out while finishing my diss. Fortunately--and I hope this is a trend--I seem to be calming down a bit. I haven't done any scholarship this week, but I've worked on letters of rec the last couple of days. So at least I'm doing something vaguely academic.

People do have different dissertation experiences; I have had plenty of friends who didn't need to shut out everything else in order to finish. I plan to be like them, cuz I've tried the obsession route, and it just wasn't healthy for me. Other people's mileage may vary.

Different disciplines have different timelines; mine happens to be one of the worst disciplines with regard to time-to-degree. Some projects take longer than others: I happened to take on a project about a subgenre that is virtually untouched in the scholarly literature; consequently, I'm having to lay nearly all of the groundwork myself instead of relying on other scholars. And different people have to delay for various reasons. For example, I had to take an extended leave because of health problems. My advisor knows all of these things, and he is totally fine with the fact that I'm not done yet. In fact, several months ago I was champing at the bit, and he advised me to slow down and do it right.

With all of this said, I'm looking forward to the day when this particular albatross is history. And it will be, eventually.

Quote from: Arch on August 04, 2008, 07:14:14 PM

Quote from: Nero on August 04, 2008, 06:40:59 PM
I was obsessed for a few months after I came out to myself. Years later, now, I'm not. But that could be because I can't 'do' anything about it at this point in time.

Um the only thing I could think is to set some sort of schedule for being obsessed. Like only allow yourself to obsess over trans stuff at a certain time each day.

A few months. A few MONTHS? I can't imagine being on this rollercoaster for that long...this is worse than graduate school. It's true that I have periods of relative calm, but they don't last long.

All this gender stuff was the only thing I was thinking about for over a year. It's only in the past two months or so that I've been able to focus on much else, and that's still hard. Can't do anything about it at the moment but still read a lot about it. Not as much as before, but it's difficult to get out of your mind.

So I can't give you any advice on that, I'm 'fraid. Hope you can somehow get it off your mind and focus on what you need to be doing right now.

Hello again, Ciarquin. Yeah, sometimes I think I am obsessing less, but then I go back and think about it, and I realize that even if I am obsessing less, I'm just substituting other stuff for it. I don't know whether that's an improvement.

Lately I decided that I really NEED to ride the obsession wave for a little while. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it.

Of course, I start back to teaching in about a month. I really want the money, but I'm not looking forward to the start of quarter.

Well, I'll see how it goes.