I'm considering coming out to my immediate family and a couple of close friends sometime in the (relatively) near future. I'm extremely lucky in that I'm pretty sure no one is going to go absolutely ballistic over it, but I'm also very sure that I'm going to have to give a long series of "Gender Theory 101" lectures to introduce the idea of gender not being completely black and white. In light of that, I wanted to ask others what their experience has been in a couple of different respects.

1. How did the reality of coming out match up to your expectations? Did any reactions completely blow you away, or did it play out pretty much how you expected? How about the aftermath? Did your relationships change in the way you were expecting them to?

2. Anything you wish you'd done differently about it?

3. Anything I definitely should (or shouldn't) do?

I realize everybody's mileage is going to vary significantly on these, but I figure the more perspectives and experiences I can see, the better.

I didn't really "come out" - there wasn't anything to 'come out' to in those days - and there wasn't even a term for it or a realization that sex and gender could be different things so it was a matter of pushing the concept that I WASN'T a boy despite what my body looked like. As to be expected, the results were less than stellar - more like disastrous! By the time I escaped 10 years later I had to leave everything behind.

Life after transition was as grand and wondrous as it was terrible before, even more than I could ever have imagined. For the pittance that I lost, I gained the world (and my life). It is really too bad that those I had known as a teen did not trust my instincts - I became MUCH MORE of a person than I had ever been and they would have been so delighted. Oh well, their loss.

Like you, I knew no one would go crazy, but my family is very well versed in trans issues (because my biological father--my mom--is trans). Their reactions were fine--my stepmom even congratulated me. However, nothing has changed. I got them to start calling me an androgynous nickname, but the pronouns stayed feminine (though I'm hoping that'll change soon).

I wish I'd asserted myself about the pronoun thing from the beginning.

As for what you should or should not do, I guess I'd say, don't rush them. It takes time to get used to the idea of a close family member being trans. My grandma and aunt still call my mom "he" and she's been legally and physically female for years.

Good luck.

When I came out to my Dad and then my wife, It was not pretty.  Dad basically said "Not in my house, period."  That was 25 plus years ago, he is gone now and never knew me as I am now.

My ex, well that explains that one.  I also came out to my step son and he really could not care, but he is his mothers ( My ex )
son.

And then there is my BFF Peggy.   She always says she like me now a lot better than when I was 'him'.  'Him' she did not like.

Janet

Quote from: kephalopod on August 25, 2008, 07:26:56 PM
1. How did the reality of coming out match up to your expectations? Did any reactions completely blow you away, or did it play out pretty much how you expected? How about the aftermath? Did your relationships change in the way you were expecting them to?

I was surprised that no one really cared. Well, they cared that I was happy, but what I was doing was a big yawn for everyone. Nothing much really changed in my case.

Quote2. Anything you wish you'd done differently about it?

Yep, I wish I'd trusted them sooner. And it was a mistake to lecture them on GID theory in my case.. no one cared about all that. They just wanted to know I'd thought it out, and was going to be happy. And I would have asked to be called Kate when I came out to people, rather than say SOMEDAY I'd change my name. That just confused everyone.

Quote3. Anything I definitely should (or shouldn't) do?

I'm not a fan of using labels or diagnosises to describe my situation. I think saying "I've been diagnosed as having a condition called GID which means I'm a transsexual born with a birth defect" just makes us into a THING.

My recommendation is to keep it totally personal, one on one. "I'm changing my sex and going by the name Kate now" is what worked for me... once I figured out it's all people really needed or WANTED to know. No explanations, no theory, no labels or justifications... just a description of what I was doing, what I needed and what they could expect.

~Kate~

1. How did the reality of coming out match up to your expectations? Did any reactions completely blow you away, or did it play out pretty much how you expected? How about the aftermath? Did your relationships change in the way you were expecting them to?

Bloody Hell. When I came out to my mom, I thought she'd be supportive. She is a "New Age" philosopher. She believes in unconditional love for people of all kinds. Don't get me wrong, she still tells me she loves me, but she ACTS like she hates me. When I came out, she freaked and immediately called Kaiser's psychiatric department. She got me an appointment with them right away. We were both so at shock not much was said. I thought she was helping me until she started making nasty little comments. Then I realized she was trying to "unboy" me. I told her that was useless and she couldn't, and that's when the war began.

We're on pretty bad terms. I love my mom, but our friendship really has crumbled. I trusted her. I confided in her. I thought she would be the one person in the world who wouldn't reject me and my true form. Instead, she kept bitching about how she'll have two sons instead of a son and a daughter. "I wanted one of each," she said. And she'd also say things like, "I know you're still alive but it's like you're dying." I told her to quit being so melodramatic, that I'm still here. I had no idea that my genitals meant that much to her.

She says transition is a mutilation of my body. She said she can't stand that I'll look like a man. I told her that how I look won't change anything. If I were for some reason unable to transition, I would end up being some sort of butch dyke. I would never "go back to girl." Because I never was a girl, and I acted like a girl because that was what I was "supposed" to do. It was "nature's way."

2. Anything you wish you'd done differently about it?

I wouldn't have told her. I would have waited until I went to my dad's and told him. That or bottled it up and transitioned on my own terms...

3. Anything I definitely should (or shouldn't) do?

Everyone's family reacts differently. I can't really provide any advice unless you're more specific. Are they conservative? Any queers in your family? What sort of comments do they make about transsexuals?

Total non-event for me.  Like Kate, my family wanted to know that I'd thought it through, that I'd gotten second opinions, and that I was sure, and that I was happy.  Nobody really cares about the details.  My mother asks for some, and knows I'm on T and knows I'm having top surgery; the others I haven't really told specifics.

I'm hoping that when I come out at work it's a similar non-event.

Jay

Thanks, all. This is extremely helpful.

Kate:

QuoteI was surprised that no one really cared. Well, they cared that I was happy, but what I was doing was a big yawn for everyone. Nothing much really changed in my case.

I'm really hoping that's how it goes for me. I need to get them over the "I am what I am" hurdle and get them to understand that I'm not changing - I'm just asking them to look at what's already there from a new perspective.

Elwood:

Dude, that sucks with your mom. I hope things work out eventually.

QuoteEveryone's family reacts differently. I can't really provide any advice unless you're more specific. Are they conservative? Any queers in your family? What sort of comments do they make about transsexuals?

They're all bleeding heart liberals with what seems to be a visceral "ick" response to homosexuality, but an overall live and let live policy. (E.g. "Thinking about it grosses me out, but they should have the same rights as everyone else.") No queers in the family that I know of. As far as comments about transsexuals, they've never made any that I can remember. I'm not sure they're even aware of transsexuality as something that exists outside of the occasional tabloid story.

1. How did the reality of coming out match up to your expectations? Did any reactions completely blow you away, or did it play out pretty much how you expected? How about the aftermath? Did your relationships change in the way you were expecting them to?

As crossdresser, reality has been far better than what I had expected. Reaction of my wife has been most important and critical. Fortunately, she has been accepting and understandingme so well. No change in relationships.

2. Anything you wish you'd done differently about it?

Actions and circumstances are far more important than lectures on gender issues. I am not saying the lecture is entirely useless, but people around me have been pursuaded by my actions, not by my words. I could minimize lectures, but it did help people understand me.

3. Anything I definitely should (or shouldn't) do?

Avoid arguments. Always smile. Be patient. It could take more far more time than you expect.

Barbie~~

Quote from: kephalopod on August 25, 2008, 07:26:56 PM


1. How did the reality of coming out match up to your expectations? Did any reactions completely blow you away, or did it play out pretty much how you expected? How about the aftermath? Did your relationships change in the way you were expecting them to?

Yup, the father, Sister and two best friends kinda blew me away. For most others it was almost a non-event - they're all surprised to varying degrees of course, but it's not changed my relationship with anyone else yet.

The father freaked me out by saying he already knew, and then proceeded to explain how he completely understood (and he clearly does not) and that he thinks I should continue to live a lie. There's more to it but that's the main point, and the change in our relationship is that I think less of him now.

Sister was just completely cool with it. She asked a couple of questions but just accepted it right off the bat without me having to explain much. I was really stressing about telling her and her reply was "ok".

The best friends were both unbelievably cool, which wasn't so much of a shock as a relief, but just how cool they were was surprising; I stressed about telling them the most of all (and they were the first) and they were both shocked (got an actual jaw-drop out of Heidi  ) but straight away they understood and started with a barrage of questions as to the hows of transitioning - didn't have to explain much on the why, they got it. One of them is a journalist so she kept prodding me for info until 4 in the morning.

Quote from: kephalopod on August 25, 2008, 07:26:56 PM
2. Anything you wish you'd done differently about it?

I wish I'd told my friends sooner, I should have known to trust them but the massive amounts of paranoia meant a long awkward period trying to work up the courage.

I also wish I hadn't told my Dad yet, his reaction was a bit of a blow.

Quote from: kephalopod on August 25, 2008, 07:26:56 PM
3. Anything I definitely should (or shouldn't) do?

Don't watch a show like Jekyll and then decide that it's a good time to break your news by saying "you know, I have a double sided personality too..." .

That one gets you off to a rocky start.


Back to question one with reality matching expectations - it was never as big a deal as I imagined it was going to be. I was hoping for no relationship changes at all, but with the two best friends it's just strengthened  our relationship and we're closer than ever. 

Coming out was a surprise in that most of the women at work that I came out to knew all along that I was TS. Relatives were a bit surprised, but everyone has been supportive. Overall, friends became closer as did my sister in law. Coming out was a really nice thing to do, since I gained so much support from people who otherwise were just casual acquaintances. I felt better about being open about myself, and everyone felt good about being included in my transition.

My brother is a bit distant. He isn't rejecting me, he needs to have more time to accept everything. It isn't unreasonable. Some people need more time than others. All that I can do, is to be as open and honest as I can be, and to answer his questions. He has not asked anything that I would consider to be "out of line."

I can think of nothing to do differently. What I would suggest, something that I did, was to buy the book, "True Selves" by Mildred Brown. It explains everything in easy to read language. You can loan the book to your closest relatives since it does such a good job of explaining everything and it will answer most, if not all, questions that they may have. I gave the book to the man that I've lived with for well over 30 years. Believe me, this was not at all easy for him, but the book helped a great deal. Giving him the book was the best thing that I've done.

Quote1. How did the reality of coming out match up to your expectations? Did any reactions completely blow you away, or did it play out pretty much how you expected? How about the aftermath? Did your relationships change in the way you were expecting them to?

Well, I expected everyone to disown me and disassociate themselves from me and that didn't happen. Things have been pretty good since I came out to them. I have a much closer relationship with everyone (in contrast to when I was younger I would just hide from them instead), so that was a nice change from how things were in the past. One thing that I didn't expect was how my "friends" reacted: One was totally freaked out and views me as some sort of oddity and my other "friend" thinks that I am a "sick freak". Oh well, they can both die as far as I am concerned.

Quote2. Anything you wish you'd done differently about it?

No. I am glad that I did things in the way that I did. Well, maybe I should have come out sooner.

Quote3. Anything I definitely should (or shouldn't) do?

Well, that is all up to you.

When I came out to my friends, they were supportive and said if that is what make you happy then go for it. I never thought I would tell my brother, but I did and when I did, he said that he expected it and understood and I found out he was Bi. I thought he was truly a hardcore redneck and would never understand, I was so wrong.

I came out my 15 yr old son very recently and he just said that that it didn't matter to him, that I was always be his dad no matter what. I was so afraid to tell him, thought I might lose him, or turn his life upside down.

Threactions from my brother and son, blew me away. I will probably never tell my Father, he is very jugemental person and even my brother agrees with not telling hm.

The thing I would have done different is not live in fear of reactions, be true to myself, and would of told my son sooner.

The thing you should do is be honest, be true to yourself and tell everyone you want, you will know when it's time to do so.

Best wishes and I hope that all goes well.

Hugz to all,
Ariana

Thanks for all the replies. I know that everyone's experience is bound to be vastly different, but this has been very helpful in getting sort of an aggregate sense of things that could happen and thinking about what kinds of scenarios are possible and what kind of reactions might work.

Thanks!

Quote from: Kate on August 25, 2008, 07:46:06 PM
My recommendation is to keep it totally personal, one on one. "I'm changing my sex and going by the name Kate now" is what worked for me... once I figured out it's all people really needed or WANTED to know. No explanations, no theory, no labels or justifications... just a description of what I was doing, what I needed and what they could expect.

~Kate~

I like your advise, Kate. The only thing I would add is to get a free blog from blogger.com, set it up to archive individual posts on their own page, and write up any long-winded explanations that you want and give people the links to the page that says what you want to say. They can read it or not, but you tried to explain from your side, and that's good enough.

Like others have said, it was kind of a yawn for most people in my life. My family was/is accepting and understanding about it, but they do still have their hurdles to get over. However, they never make any nasty remarks or anything and truly try their hardest to get the pronouns correct and everything.

I pretty much knew this already though. I had a very keen sense of the state of mind of people I interact with, probably due to my never-ending insecurity and paying attention to people. My sisters, who I came out to first, were completely fine with it. One of them had been in the underground, after-hours scene for years anyways and was used to "out of the ordinary" people so it came as no shock for her. My employer and friends took it extremely well also, and have had pretty much no problem seeing me as Sarah and treating me as such with correct pronouns and everything.

The one person who I was most shocked about was my brother. He caught me dressed up when I was about 10 or 12 or something and hadn't let me live it down. He would tease me about it, not directly (most times), but more in an indirect sort of "unspoken" way. After I had told him though, he left the room and started bawling and telling our mom about how sorry he was for what he knew he must have put me through throughout the years. This came as a complete shock.

Overall, nothing has really changed, I haven't lost any friends, and some relationships have grown stronger afterward. I would say that it differs for everyone though depending on the area you live in, as well as other circumstances. Just try and get a feel for each person before you tell them and try to tell the ones you think would be more accepting of it first and try to build a sort of support system for the ones who may take it harder.

Good luck when you do come out.

- Sarah