Is this weird?

I have difficulty talking about things with people when I'm face to face with them.  I can blab about my problems for hours on end if were to talk to someone online.  But in person I clam up and I hide my emotions and my feelings, and I basically lie to keep myself from exposing too much of the real me.

But I really want to talk to a therapist.  I think I finally found someone who's close by, cheap, and has experience in the LGTB community, maybe not trans-specific experience but he's open minded about it.

Still I'm really super nervous about meeting with him and I know that when I finally do, I'm going to clam up like I normally do.
SO.. I wrote a letter outlining who I am, and more importantly, what I want to accomplish with therapy.

Is this odd?  Will my therapist thing I'm strange for booking an appointment to talk with him, and then hand him a letter instead of talking to him?

Does anybody else have a similar problem with not being able to talk to people about their problems?


-Floating

myself personally, i find talking about who i am to someone i've never met can be odd. i at first felt like sending letters to therapists as well. no point in driving to someone who doesn't think that they can help you. if i were you, i'd send your letter, you're not paying them to let you know whether they think you're strange. that's the least of their worries. the important thing is for them to make sure you're mentally sound about making your decision to transition, and guide you if you have questions or problems you think they can help with. therapists probably see a lot stranger things than us, some haven't. i think the therapist will understand your concern and try to work with you about opening yourself up to them.

remember if you don't talk, it's only their time and your money you're wasting by being silent.

silence, in certain situations isn't always golden.

wish you well on your journey, hun,

Warrior Princess Mickie

Thanks!  That's good advice.

I don't know if I'd send it to him before I saw him. I was actually planning on just handing it to him in person.  But then again, sending it kinda makes a bit more sense.

Hmmm..

I'll have to think on this.


Thanks though.  ^_^

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago (childhood abuse issues) and, after the first meeting, started sending her a FAX the day before each session covering the things I want to talk about. I am also pretty good at beating around the bush to avoid exposing my vulnerabilities so I "paint myself into a corner" with my FAX. She reads them ahead of time and then in session we get right down to the nitty-gritty.

She said some people open up in letters and others in person - whatever works for you.

I would always wait until five minutes before the end of the session to say what I really wanted to talk about, so I finally gave my therapist access to my private journal on the web so she would know what was going on in my life.

Sarah L.

I definitely have had trust issues. I haven't always been honest with therapists, and I NEVER talked about gender and sexuality issues. My penultimate therapist wasn't a good fit, and I had other reservations about his motives. My last therapist messed with my head--probably an honest mistake, but it felt like he was intentionally screwing with me. After these experiences, I vowed that I would never see another therapist as long as I lived.

Then I came out this summer. It took me only a couple of weeks to realize that I had to go face-to-face again. I made my appointment. The first day I had to come in early and fill out some forms about my background. I didn't fill out the sections about my family and my previous experiences with therapy. It would have taken more than a couple of lines, anyway, but I just didn't want to deal with those things.

After the initial phone interview and the first visit, though, I knew that I could work with this man, even if I was scared out of my freaking gourd. He was a good fit, and he did everything exactly right. I realized that I needed to fill in the gaps in my history, so I wrote it all out and gave it to him the next time I came in. I'm glad I did--I mean, I was a little embarrassed about some of the things I had written, but it was all true, and it really helped to take stock that way. And I didn't have to stammer and stumble my way through it in a session. It acted like an icebreaker, really. I told him a lot of very personal, sometimes painful stuff in my letter, and I was not struck by lightning.

I really think that you should consider giving your therapist the letter before you go in. Explain why. Explain that you are concerned that you'll be evasive or deceptive if you talk things out and that you might even clam up altogether. I think he'll appreciate your candor, and you'll be helping him to help you better.

I've had maybe half a dozen sessions so far. And most of what I've talked about has been peripheral. I'm still getting used to talking about my most personal stuff--and I've been in therapy several times before! The thing is, he knows that I'm only skirting the issues, and he knows that it will take time for me to get there. That's okay. He is giving me time to acclimate. So we talk about lots of things. I have never lied, though. I made a sort of pact with myself that I could leave things out until I felt more comfortable with them, but I could not lie. I've held to that agreement, and I think I'll continue to do so. You're obviously in a different place, but if I can do it...well, that should give hope to you.

Outside of therapy, I've been working very hard in the past month to find my courage and get used to the idea of confiding in a professional who was (let's face it) a complete stranger to me only a month ago. But I almost feel as if a miracle has occurred here. I thought I was the last person who would ever go through therapy again, I have been suppressing my identity for years, and I've been truly terrified of opening up to anyone. But I got lucky. I was ready to start overcoming my reservations, and I found someone who is truly gifted in his profession.

I trust my therapist now. I mean, I REALLY trust him. I hope you can find that, too.

What I do is write a big bullet list. I get nervous too!

On my bullet list, I always have a series of questions and statements. Things like,

- What is the exact process of starting HRT?
- How long do you think the wait is gonna be, Doc?
- During the wait for testosterone, are hormone blockers an option for me?
- My plan for transition currently involves HRT and top surgery. We can talk about why I don't like the bottom surgery options available.
- etc.

A bullet list gives me something physical to hold onto and look at if I get clammed up.

When I first started seeing a gender therapist, it wasn't until the third session I started opening up.  However, when I decided to switch therapists, I wrote out everything in a letter summarizing what I had done so far and a brief history of myself.  When I went into his office for the session, I handed him the letter and he took a couple minutes to read and we got right down to business.  It was so effective that I ended up coming out to HR at work the very next day and was fulltime shortly after.

yeh writing something out would be good.  though wouldn;t go way of Elwood, no offense elwood but bullits are nice but do you really ask them questions on first meeting?  If so no wonder your having a hard time.  Give them a chance to get to know you first otherwise you just come off as overeager and their less likely to take you serious.

Anyways as far as writing.  Personally I am able to talk to people easily but I do forget stuff and don;t remember everything want to tell.  So at times I also write something and will hand it over at the meeting and we will go over what I have writen and I can clarify parts of it.

Quote from: Aiden on August 27, 2008, 12:48:12 AM
yeh writing something out would be good.  though wouldn;t go way of Elwood, no offense elwood but bullits are nice but do you really ask them questions on first meeting?  If so no wonder your having a hard time.  Give them a chance to get to know you first otherwise you just come off as overeager and their less likely to take you serious.

Anyways as far as writing.  Personally I am able to talk to people easily but I do forget stuff and don;t remember everything want to tell.  So at times I also write something and will hand it over at the meeting and we will go over what I have writen and I can clarify parts of it.

It depends. She could make a bullet list of her symptoms, which is what I did on the first day with my counselor.

- How I've been feeling
- How I'm feeling now
- Recent big events
- My symptoms (that I'm aware of)
- Some background info...

That's how the first bullet list really looks like. But as for my visit with Demara, even though it's my first face to face with him, he's been reading my medical file for a while. He worked closely with my counselor while she was working with me. Demara already knows most of my background information. Plus, I can write the bullet list, but I don't have to use it. If he has questions to ask me, I won't be asking the questions, will I?

Thank you so much for replying everyone.  It's nice to just know that I'm not the only one who has these concerns. ^_^

I'm actually doing something along the lines of what Elwood was doing with a bullet list. 
I wrote a letter saying what and who I am, then I wrote a second part to the letter which outlines what I'm hoping as long term goals for therapy.

I re-read the letter this morning and I'm a little worried it comes off a bit strong or forceful.  Which is actually kind of strange considering I'm not that kind of a person.  It also comes off really cold, but I guess that's from the fact that I'm not used to expressing my feelings very well (which I make a point to talk about in the letter ^_^).

What I'm thinking of doing is taking the letters with me, and then if I clam up, I can just read from them, and if I get really really nervous I can just hand them to him.  And I'll probably leave the copy with him at the end of the session so he can look it over later. 


Actually, at the risk of making myself look really bad, I'm going to copy and paste the two letters I've written.
Again, I already know they seem a bit cold. I want to re-write them a bit so they don't come of like that.  That and I think Aiden makes a good point, although I don't totally agree with it, since I think that kind of an impression can be minimized if I write things differently.



Letter 1:

Quote
Dear whomever,


I want this letter to express what I am uncomfortable talking about in person. I want to express who I am and what I am, and to discuss how those two mix with each other.  As well I'd like to discuss how to come to accept who and what I am, and, of equal import, how to deal with the rest of the world as they deal with me.  I wish I had the English skills to better communicate how I feel, but I'll muddle through the best I can.

The easiest point to begin with is simple physical and medical aspects.  This constitutes part of what I am.  I am 28 years old and I am genetically male. I was born with the standard male organs and male body.  I am an average height for a male.  I have large hands and large feet.  I have body hair, it's soft, but there is a lot of it. Stress over the past few years has taken its toll and in part with genetics I am suffering from male pattern baldness.

Who I am is harder to quantify and explain.  I am a person who is shy at times but extremely extroverted when I feel comfortable.  I'm often nervous and anxious.
I have a girlfriend of seven years whom I love.  I think the best description of my sexual orientation is bisexual.  I love music, mainly classical instrumental and opera, which perhaps isn't the most common musical taste, but it's what I like.  I find that I'm very guarded when it comes to my feelings and emotions.  I fear rejection and I don't want to get hurt so I build up a wall to prevent people from knowing too much about me.  Some people would call me conservative because I never discuss things like sex; this is just because it's a topic I don't feel comfortable discussing.  There is no person in the world who could honestly say they really knew who I was because I've never felt comfortable sharing who I am.  But the aspect that brings me to you is that deep down inside, in addition to all that I've mentioned, 'who' I am is also a woman.

On some level I've known this all my life. Even when I was very young I knew I had to 'act' a certain way to be perceived as the 'boy' I physically was.  I do not know how I could convince anybody the truth of how I feel, but I don't think it's necessary. I am self aware of who I am, and I am writing this letter because I'm seeking your help and assistance in finally accepting that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. 

So I think my main goal is to transition, to physically change my body to match how I feel on the inside.  It may be a futile attempt but I don't know how happy I can be otherwise.

I have a set of specific topics that I'd like to discuss with you in detail.  I do not know the best way to tackle these issues, but I'd like to consider dealing with them as goals to accomplish.  These are just things that are bothering me know, and potential things that I think need to be dealt with in the future.   Since I feel more at ease when writing I think I'll outline as many as I can think of.

2nd Letter:

QuoteGuilt:

There are two kinds of guilt that I've been feeling about the issues that I'm dealing with. 

The first is that I'm worried about all the people I care about, and I have trepidations that they'll feel betrayed.  There is justification to say that I've lied to them, pretty much for the entire time I've known them.  Will they feel betrayed?  Will they be hurt?  I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to cause grief for someone that I care about (or anyone really), but I know that by being true to myself, this will be unavoidable in some cases. And more than that, I know that there are people who love me, and will continue to love me if I manage to transition. With that in mind, transsexuality is still considered an aberration in normal society.  It's something people still discriminate about, it's the butt of jokes and in some people's eyes, it's considered sinful.  What I'm worried about is that the people that do accept me will now be subjected to at least part of the discrimination that I may face in the future.  I do not want people to suffer because of me. I don't want to suffer either, but it's not fair that they should because of me.

The other type of guilt I feel is a bit more philosophical, sometimes I think it's silly that I worry about this, it sounds weird but it really does bother me on a fundamental level.  I suppose I've lived a fairly good life.  I don't have the greatest health, but I don't have cancer or aids or any crippling diseases like multiple sclerosis.  I've never been severely abused nor have I ever had to endure torture.  I've always had food on my table.  I never received extravagant gifts at Christmas or my birthday, but I always got presents. I've had arguments with my family, but they care about me, love me and want the best for me.
Yet out in the world, there are people who are dying of horrible diseases, there are people being raped this very instant as you read this letter.  There are millions of atrocities going on right now.  But I have the audacity to complain about 'being born in the wrong body'. 
And I feel guilty about this.  How can I complain when there are people who pray for a life not even half as decent as mine?


Inability to show emotions:

I know that part of my personality is that I'm somewhat cool and level headed.  I can handle stressful situations, I do get angry, but I think for the most part I keep calm (although I do get angry at times).  But I've never been able to show either my happiness or sadness. 

The most obvious example of this is crying.  I have a disturbing inability to cry.  Even if I'm watching a sad movie, I'll feel sad, and I'll want to cry, but I can't.  If I'm alone, sometimes I can, but it's still far too rare an occurrence for me.  If I'm with someone else, even my girlfriend whom I feel the most comfortable with, I still cannot cry.  While I feel for the characters, I connect with the emotions they are having, there's a part of me which interrupts and makes my body belie how I actually feel.

It's not only negative emotions that I have trouble expressing.  Its other things like showing that I care about someone.  I have a hard time expressing how I feel about people. Sometimes I can say the words, but showing it with my body is difficult. 
Even happiness is hard.  Laughter comes easy because a lot of the time I use happiness to mask how I'm feeling.  In general though, I don't feel comfortable really showing how happy I am, it just doesn't come out. 

Maybe this is just a part of who I am, but it's something I want to work on.


Self Acceptance and Self Hate:

I hope it's obvious by now that I am unhappy with the physical state of my body. There are many aspects about what I look like which evoke deep dissatisfaction and numerous negative thoughts.  Most of this is to do with physical aspects of what I am.

It all boils down to the fact that I do not have a genetically female body.  When I see myself in the mirror I almost always see a hideous male face that shouldn't belong to me.  When I look down at, all I see is the wrongly shaped body that's hairy and lumpy. When I shower, I avoid looking down because I don't like my reproductive organs.  If I take a bath, I need to cover my genitals with a facecloth so that I can relax.

I don't know if I have a strong enough command of the English language to be able to express how much I hate my body.  I suppose disgust would be the best word for it, perhaps bitterness as well (bitter towards what? I don't know).   And I'm worried that even with all of modern day science I'll never be able to change it to my satisfaction.  I know that I will always feel this way if my body does not change.

But in addition, I know I need to accept some realities.  There are some things that cannot be changed.   Sometimes I'll go outside of my apartment and I'll see people and I'll suddenly feel profoundly sad.  It will be simple things like seeing a little girl being taken to the department store for shopping with her mother.  I never had that, and I never will.  Of course I can't change the past so I shouldn't really be worrying about those things. 

But there are things that are not in the past that I still need to accept.  For example, every time I see a pregnant woman I'll always be forced to be reminded that I will never be able to carry a child inside of me like that.  While I technically have the physical ability to procreate, I've always since I was very young considered myself to be infertile because I do not have the required organs to be pregnant.  I know that sounds odd, but it's one of the things that brings a tremendous amount of disappointment into my life.


Fears:

Will the 'choices' I make at this point in my life affect my possible career?  Will I hurt people?  Will I get hurt?  Will I ever look female?  Will I be able to live with myself if I don't?  Will I be able to walk down the street and endure snickers and hushed comments by ignorant passersby? 

I could write page after page after page of these types of questions.  And they will probably creep up as I progress.  I am a nervous and anxious person. I'm filled with these fears and trepidations. As they come up, I will most definitely need to discuss them.  At this point, they overwhelm me so much that I don't even know where to begin.



Hormone Replacement Therapy and Surgeries:

These, I suppose, are the medical answers that can help with the issues I'm dealing with.  They can help me appear the way I feel I should.  I have decided that I fully intend to both go on HRT and pursue surgery (SRS/GRS) to correct my physical gender. In addition I will most likely need plastic surgery to acheive a face that appears more feminine.  These are things that I have already decided.  I intend to pursue, as some have called it, a full transition.

I'm not one hundred percent familiar with how the system works.  From what I understand, I need a therapist (I'm not sure what type of therapist; Counselor? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?) to write me a letter before I can begin HRT as prescribed by an endocrinologist.  In addition, I will need another letter, or a few letters, to be able to qualify for SRS.    I will not bother talking about SRS at this point because it's a long way off for the moment. 

HRT is something that I still need assistance receiving.  I would like to go through a safe method of receiving this type of medication, which means I require a referral to an endocrinologist that says I'm ready for this sort of a step.  I personally don't really agree with this; sometimes I think this system sets up a 'gatekeeper' mentality where I need to prove myself before I can get help.  I don't think I can prove who I am, to me it's indescribable.  There is always the option of self medicating at this point and I have seriously considered it, but I decided to try and be responsible since I'm not a medical professional. 

Anyway, any comments would be appreciated. ^_^
I just wanted to share.