How do I start this?

I don't know how to really talk about this. My spouse is a twink. Self-described. He has never felt like a female, just trapped in a female's body. He talks constantly about how he hates the female hips he has, the female pelvis that he's stuck w/. He wears compression shirts to hide his breasts. Is talking about getting compression pants to help w/ the hips and bottom. He gets very upset when someone calls him 'she'. He's stuck between two bodies, the one he has, and the one he wants. Enough about him.

On to myself. I am a cismale. Always thought of myself as such. As such, this is rather hard for me to come to terms w/. I love my partner. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. What one lacks the other provides, except I can't provide any relief to his growing pain w/ being housed in a female body. There are no plans for surgery in the future, but I can tell the desire is there. I want to be incredibly supportive of these needs, and this change in my love, but this is a part of his life I cannae share.

If I had to classify myself, it would be as heterosexual male. I have no attraction in me for members of my same gender. Yes, I've tried. I'm a bit of a twink myself, housed in the body of brawnier man. One of the questions I heard most often growing up was, "Are you gay?" in some way, shape, or form. I'm not. This would be easier if I was, I suppose.

How does one wrap themselves around knowing that your partner is in pain, and one cannae do nothing about it?

Hi Tetanus,
First of all.
Welcome to our little family. Over 1800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another SO.

Secondly,
By just being there and letting him know that you love him and care for him, does wonders.  Being open with each other and not judging is a great gift.  Caring for another person is the important thing.

If more SO's were that caring of their partner, there might not be so much strife in our own lives. Just knowing that there is someone there to turn to can do wonders for the suffering of a person in pain, whether because of Gender Identity or just life in general.

Janet

Hello Tetanus:

Welcome to Susan's.  I'm Gill and I was married to Steph (MtoF) for 34 years and I have known Steph for almost 40 years.  Though I have no experience with regards to FtoM I do feel that we do have somethings in common such as;

• Redifining our relationship with our partner
• Redining (perhaps) our sexual orientation
• Is this the place I really want to be
• Where do I want to be in 5, 10 years time

All of the above will come into it and we just cannot think about the here and now, we do have to think about the future and where it is we want to be in our own lives.  That may sound selfish, but ultimately we do have to address these issues eventually.

While Steph and I decided to divorce we remain solid friends who still turn to each other just to talk some things over.  After all you (well I) couldn't just turn our back on 40 years of friendship.

Providing the support and the level headedness ( I know that it isn't a word - but it fits) that is needed in this kind of relationship is most important.  As we can all attest to, when we this type of situation occurs (life changing for both) we are sometimes not at our best and having someone there as a rock can be a lifesaver.

Knowing that your partner is in pain is difficult to watch.  Offer support, keep level headed, be calm, keep talking/communicating.  But one thing you have to realize, leaving someone does not mean that you do not support or love them.  Sometimes loving someone enough may mean having to let them go.

Keep talking, keep writing.

Gill

Quote from: Tetanus on August 31, 2008, 01:11:02 AM
How does one wrap themselves around knowing that your partner is in pain, and one cannae do nothing about it?

There is something you can do about it.

Be there when he needs you.  Stick up for him.  Listen to him if he wants to talk.  Support him.  Let him know you're okay with him being trans, that if he wants to do something about it, you'd be there for him [if that's the way you feel, of course].

I understand what it's like.. [I'm an SO, too.]  You just wish there was something you could do that would be a more concrete help.. make the pain go away, instead of merely lessening it.  But you can't make the disphoria disappear, and you can't wave a magic wand and make his body physically change.  But that's okay.. he doesn't expect you to.  If you just do what you can for him, and make sure he knows how loved he is.. that will go such a long way.  And maybe it'll help him have the confidence he needs to go through with things, if the plans for surgery come to fruition.

As for coming to terms with it.. yeah, that's an interesting road.  I think it's different for everybody.  Some spouses/SO's handle it better than others.  For me it was pretty easy since I'm gay, so having my 'boyfriend' become my girlfriend was fine with me, lol.  And even so, it still took a little time before I was 100% used to the idea [but I'm like that with a lot of things].  The love is most important.  As long as you still have that, then you can do anything.  And who knows?  Maybe in the future you'll find that exceptions can be made, when it comes to attraction.  Sexuality is pretty fluid, maybe it'll turn out that your spouse's brand of maleness is attractive to you.  Or not.. who knows? That's my philosophy at the moment. Do what you can now, and leave the future open so it can take care of itself.

I think it's great that you're so supportive and calling him by the right pronouns and everything.  It really is good to see.

Hi, Tetanus and welcome to the forums

I think you've made a great start by looking for knowledge and support. It is difficult when your partner first comes out, because it changes a lot of things and (at least in my opinion) causes a lot of soul searching on your part.

You're already doing the one thing your partner needs most - *being there*. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it really does mean a lot (or at least Dani tells me so )

I understand your feelings about not being able to share this part of your partner's life. It's not completely true, so long as your partner does *not* exclude you, but there is a small part that we, as SO's can not really understand. It makes me feel left out as well, even though I know Dani would not want me to totally understand how she feels. (And if you think about it, understanding would mean for an interesting time )

Keep the lines of communication open and honest between you and your partner. Also, I don't know if either of you have considered therapy (either joint or separate) but that's a good first step.

WR