Hi! I'm a 59-year-old male cross-dresser. Am I also transgendered? Damned if I know. One of the reasons I'm here is to find out.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to dress like a girl, play with the girls, and generally be "one of the girls." Since I was 9 or 10, at least, and maybe earlier. In any case, it was way before puberty or any interest in sex. I suspect a lot of you are nodding your heads right now.

Once I hit 13 or so -- old enough that my parents would leave me alone in the house for an hour -- I tried on my mom's lingerie & dresses. Also typical, I suspect. I was careful, and/or lucky, and they never caught me at it. Also, I knew from the beginning that my girly desires were wrong, sick, evil, yadda, yadda, so I didn't tell anyone about them.

Back in the 50's & early 60's, cross-dressing, sex-changes, homosexuality, etc, were taboo subjects. TV shows didn't use those themes, newspapers didn't mention them, high schools didn't have LGBT clubs, etc. As a result, although I grew up in a moderately liberal household in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area, until I was 16, I thought I was the only guy in the world who wanted to dress like a girl.

It was quite a shock to discover that I wasn't unique.

In high school, I wasn't obviously effeminate, so I didn't get teased about being "a fairy." Actually, I was an overweight, totally unathletic nerd, so my "friends" teased me about that instead.

Once I got to college, I hit the library for everything I could find about cross-dressing and sex changes (no internet in those days, kids!). I didn't talk to a counselor. Back then, colleges didn't encourage that sort of "counseling." And even if they had, I think they would have fed whatever I told them right back to my parents (no medical privacy laws).

Ultimately, I decided not to go for SRS, for a bunch of reasons. One was I didn't hate my body. While I didn't exactly think of myself as a guy, and I certainly would have preferred to have been born a girl, I didn't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body. I wasn't going to kill myself, or try DIY surgery, if I didn't get "the operation." Another was the difficulty, the expense, the grief it would put my parents through, yadda, yadda. A third was that I wasn't interested in guys. SRS clinics of the day only wanted to create "normal" women (back then, the DSM still defined homosexuality a mental disorder). A fourth was that, although that was the start of the feminist movement, men still had an easier time in my field (engineering). And a fifth was that I was afraid I'd be an ugly freak.

So I decided to live with my male identity, and I just fantasied about being a girl. Once I started living alone, I cross-dressed in private, a pattern I continue to this day. I don't go out in public, and my only contact with the CD/TG world is through anonymous forums like this. BTW, I'm sort-of passable. My body shape is okay (for a woman, I'm medium to large, but not plus sized, and I have a defined waist). But I have a lot of body hair (start with Steve Carell in the 40 Year Old Virgin, and double it), five o'clock shadow to rival Homer Simpson, thinning scalp hair, and a face that's politely described as "craggy." Yes, I could overcome those, but it would take a lot of work, and it hasn't seemed worth the effort. Or the pain. (A full body waxing? Oh My God!)

In some ways, I've been quite successful in my male identity. I've had steady jobs, colleagues respect my work, I don't abuse any substances, I don't engage in unsafe sexual practices, and I don't rack up big debts (although it helps that my tastes run to Payless, not Prada!).

But in other ways, I've been a total failure. While I have a lot of acquaintances, I have few (if any) friends. I didn't start dating until I was 24, and I've only dated sporadically since then. I've only had one or two relationships. I've never married, obviously, and it's been a decade or more since I've dated (let alone been involved with) anyone. If I dropped dead at home, it could easily be weeks before anyone found my body.

I suspect a lot of that isolation is because I learned early on that I couldn't tell anyone about my deep, dark, evil secret.

One reason I'm here is that I'm approaching another cross-roads in my life: the R-word (*gasp!*). If I wanted to, this would be a perfect time for me to "come out of the closet" and stop living a lie. That is, transition. One of the things that attracts me to this site is there are a lot of older gals here, and I was hoping to learn from their experiences.

Hi, I am a 62 year old MtoF.  I know how you feel and what you have to deal with being born when we were.   I didn't have much luck finding women's clothes to wear as a young person because I was the oldest, my mother kept hers picked up, and my parents' bedroom was off limits for us kids period.   I was a girl in my mind and just survived in the rural male world of the Dakota's.    I was never very coordinated but went out for male sports where I tried hard, but during the game the coaches just forgot that I existed.   I didn't have that male gut level drive to be number one,  and just stood like a shy female on the sidelines waiting to be noticed.   I was attracted to girls, but didn't have a clue, and in sexual encounters would wait for her permission to do anything.    Where I grew up there were a lot of boundaries emotional that were not to be crossed.   For me to have dared to dress as a female or behave female in any way was the most dangerous one. The very thought now that those pillars of masculinity Rock Hudson,  Raymond Burr,  Randolff Scott, and the Marboro Man were gay and perferred men over woman sexually is mind boggling.    If we only knew.   In our day any man who was sexually attracted to men was a woman in sexual behavior.    I now dress female at home with my family here,  but when I go out I wear woman's jeans and a tee shirt over my bra and panties and leave my fake breasts at home.   I can wear ear rings and light pink nail polish out,  but the old fears of a fire storm of public disapproval still haunt me.    I guess I will work on being more female emotionally and in mannerisms and let the physical changes remain in God's hands.

Welcome and hello, MarySue!

I cross dressed for many many years until it stopped working and then I found I had to transition.  I used cross dressing as a release from the dysphoria.  Eventually, though, the release wouldn't even happen anymore.  All cross dressing did for me was remind me that I was living a lie.

I woke up to that fact about 2 weeks before my 50th birthday so I can relate to the lack of information, and the social mores of the 50's and 60's, that made sure we would think we were all alone in our "perverted desires."

I hope your visits to Susan's will provide you with some of the same kind of help that I received in figuring out who and what I was, in truth.  Please make sure you check our rules and Terms of Service as well as our links, chat and (especially!) our Wiki pages and please don't be shy, we can relate!

I'm happy to make your acquaintance, MarySue, and I hope we'll get to know each other a little better real soon.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Hello Mary Sue and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Quote from: Emelye on September 07, 2008, 03:26:30 PM
I cross dressed for many many years until it stopped working and then I found I had to transition.  I used cross dressing as a release from the dysphoria.  Eventually, though, the release wouldn't even happen anymore.  All cross dressing did for me was remind me that I was living a lie.

Wow! Thank you for sharing that, Emelye. That hits close to home. For the last few years, cross dressing hasn't done that much for me either. So far, I've been telling myself that's because my mirror no longer lets me conn myself into thinking that I'm the cute mall rat that I wish I once had been.

Although what has "done it for me" lately has been writing TG/CD fiction. Even if I don't finish the stories I start, the process seems to help. It seems that the fantasies I create in my head, and set down on paper, are much more satisfying than any CD reality I can create.

I guess the next question I have to ask myself is whether those stories are better than a transitioning/TG/TS reality.

Love your introduction. Sounds very familiar to me. I guess the only big difference is sexual experimentation -- I had all those girls and boys that you dreamed of having. I wasn't all that shy and had sex with everybody who asked me nice or who said OK when I asked. Way back then STDs were still curable with penicillin and HIV was not to be discovered for a couple of decades later, plus the PILL. It was the sexual revolution, ya' know.

Nowadays it's like Austin Powers, misfit out of time, still thinking of shagging everything in skirts or pants. Well daydreaming is SAFE SEX. you DO daydream, don't you girl?



Posted on: September 08, 2008, 01:50:35 PM

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Quote from: MarySue on September 07, 2008, 10:42:44 PM
Wow! Thank you for sharing that, Emelye. That hits close to home. For the last few years, cross dressing hasn't done that much for me either. So far, I've been telling myself that's because my mirror no longer lets me conn myself into thinking that I'm the cute mall rat that I wish I once had been.

Although what has "done it for me" lately has been writing TG/CD fiction. Even if I don't finish the stories I start, the process seems to help. It seems that the fantasies I create in my head, and set down on paper, are much more satisfying than any CD reality I can create.

I guess the next question I have to ask myself is whether those stories are better than a transitioning/TG/TS reality.

Hey MarySue, I discovered that I have a previously unknown talent for role-playing interactive fiction writing. Unfortunately the first two places that I tried this out are run by psychopaths, that is LIL (Lacy Place) and D+X Institute, but I found out that there are lots of players who enjoy that game if only there was a saner place to play.

I would have to swap out my operating system and video card, a $400 expense, to play Second Life. I am not gonna do it.

On the other hand, for $60 a year I can have my own website to do that in, which is where I am going. The software needed is basically what runs this website, "Simple Machines".

My stories are more like novels where I play multiple characters with other players who write their characters and plot twists. It gets really intense. Both of those sites mentioned are "Forced Femme", where some standardized plot device takes guys forceably into femme roles. Because of the "forced" aspect players with some reluctance to admit these urges can play because "it's forced on them" in a pretend fashion, "rather than them choosing the role". Obviously that is only a charade, but it's a critical charade to support borderline players who otherwise wouldn't play.

The standard plot devices revolves around dominatrixes and dominators, women and men of type-A personality, acting as drill sergeants to get those girls whipped into shape. The submissives outnumber the dommes ten to one. D+X specializes in extra helpings of ultra-kinkiness, while Locked in Lace (LIL) is fairly bland.

I got kicked out of both websites for being too creative. I will be looking for players to have some fun in a few months if you like role playing. I promise to take you on a wild ride of the imagination.

Hi MarySue,

Welcome to Susan's from the rainy UK, particularly as I guess I also fall into the "older gals" category.....

The "transition" question can become even more complicated in later life, but this is a great place to discover the options, and maybe decide what could be right for you.

If not.. just relax and have a good time reading and blogging.... knowing that your not alone in your feelings....



Chrissty

Quote from: Liann on September 08, 2008, 02:10:57 PM
Love your introduction. Sounds very familiar to me. I guess the only big difference is sexual experimentation -- I had all those girls and boys that you dreamed of having. I wasn't all that shy and had sex with everybody who asked me nice or who said OK when I asked. Way back then STDs were still curable with penicillin and HIV was not to be discovered for a couple of decades later, plus the PILL. It was the sexual revolution, ya' know.

Nowadays it's like Austin Powers, misfit out of time, still thinking of shagging everything in skirts or pants. Well daydreaming is SAFE SEX. you DO daydream, don't you girl?

Thanks for the complement! Yeah, that was a big difference between us. Nobody even asked me in school.

*Big sigh, wallow in self-pity for a minute, then snap out of it.*

And yes, I do daydream. Always have. But daydreaming's about all I do now. I've pretty much given up on sex. At least the kind where other people are involved. But don't worry, you can't catch THAT through a forum.

Quote from: Liann on September 08, 2008, 02:10:57 PM
I discovered that I have a previously unknown talent for role-playing interactive fiction writing. Unfortunately the first two places that I tried this out are run by psychopaths, that is LIL (Lacy Place) and D+X Institute, but I found out that there are lots of players who enjoy that game if only there was a saner place to play.

*Snorts in shock. Coffee shoots out nose and splatters screen.*

Yes, me too! And yes, I've been there and gotten the tee shirts. Although I don't think Melissa and Ex-J are psychopaths per se. Opinionated and forceful, yes, but they're no more psychopathic than your average webmaster. But, now that I think about it, being a psychopath is practically a job requirement for a webmaster, isn't it? Particularly for a forum site?

*Sky darkens. Thunder rolls in middle distance. Air crackles with an electric charge.*

But not Susan! No, not OUR webmaster! No, not at all! She's not a wackjob nutcase! She's the exception!

*Thunder fades. Sky brightens.*

Whew, that was close! Anyway, when you get your site up, send me a PM. I can't promise I'll have enough time to participate fully, but at least I'll check it out.