I havn't given this to my familly yet, not exactly sure when, but It's going to be some time this summer, hopefully soone than later...anyway heres what I have written
I don't really know where to start with this so I'm just gonna go with it and see where it goes
What I'm about to tell you is by far not easy for me, but it's something that needs to be done and being my family you are the first and most important for me to let know of my situation. so here it goes... Although you have most likely been unaware of it, over time I have come to realize that I have a disorder thats known as GID (Gender Identity Disorder). What does this mean exactly? To put it in the most basic words, I have a female brain in a male body known as a male-to-female transsexual. before I go further with my explanation of myself to you I'm going to give you a little information about the subject first.
Terminology
Transsexual- A person who has the mental identity of one gender and the physical features of the opposite sex.
Transvestite- A person who finds dressing up in clothes of the opposite sex to be sexually aroused. Usually depentant on the idea of being of one sex dressing as the other as the means for arousal.
Crossdresser- A person who likes dressing up as the opposite sex but still identifies as having the brain of their physical sex.
Gender- Referes to the mental identity of a person.
Sex- Referes to the physical identy of a person
Further explained-There is very often misconceptions and misinterperetations of this subject so to clarify heres some details.
Someone who is identified as a transsexual (as stated before) is someone who has the mental Identity of one gender but the physical indentity of the opposite sex. Many uninformed people believe this to be a mental disorder that can be cured with therapy. Unfortunatally this is wrong. Although it's a hard thing to identify the cause or reason for for transsexuallity it is believed to be a hormonal change during the developement of a child still in the womb, where the brain is givin the identity of the gender opposite that of the chromosomal blueprint or physical sex that child is to be born with. It is mostly to be a physical birth defect, even though it apears to be a change in the brain durring developement, the brain is not something that can be changed as a sulution for this, and the only known resolution is for something called transition. The majority of people who are TS (transsexual) discover the desire to be of the opposite sex very early in life. Due to fear of acceptance and confusion, these thoughts are usually kept inside through a portion of their life. For the TS it feals more natural to dress as, and act as the gender they mentally identify themselves as. Many who are TS are confused by this thinking they might be a transvestite, a crossdresser, or homosexual, while others are very sure of the situation early on. as time goes on for the TS hiding their true identity causes great strain on the mental health of the individual and unfortunatally many commit suicide. Earlier I mentioned something called transition, what this is is the changing of ones apperance and social identity to match that of their true mental identity.
How does this really all fits into my life?
Although I didn't necesarily feel I should have been born a girl as early as a lot of TS people (often as early as the age of 5) I've always known there was something different or wrong with me. If you rememember I would sometimes have Erin dress me up and put makeup on me, I would play with barbie with her, and I remember having you buy me a my little pony. although this in itself doesn't mean I am what I am, and I did have many typical "boy" hobbies and interest, there is more to it than that. after highschool when I had been caught shoplifting from work, I was ashamed and feared critisism and disaproval from my reasons for doing what I did, hence my lying and telling you I just didn't know why I did it. I didn't even know what it was that made me do it at the time, but I thought It to be a sexual fettish, or trasvestitism. Even to date I have had the desire to dress as I feel inside. My lack of understanding of this has lead me to do pleanty of investigation on the subject. so what did I discover? Well unlike a trasvestite me reason for dressing up had little to do with sexual exitement, in fact I still had the desire during my relationship with Raechel in a non sexual context. Unlike crossdressers I had no desire to stay male while dressing up as female. I, for a long time now, have had the overwhelming desire to be female, something that only increases with time. I have discovered the very female thoughts in my brain, which at times made me think I might be gay, however that didn't make since to me because I have always been exclusively atracted to girls. This female in my head has developed her own Identity and is now very dominant. I think it may very well be possible that this may have been the leading cause of my social anxiety dissorder. It expains why I feel like I always have to put on a show to act or be what It seems I should be.
Where do I go from here? The typical plan of attack for a TS goes as follows. The starting point is generally therapy, which helps sort out ones thoughts. Durring which one will generally begin transition. the first step of transition are usually electrolosis to start permnantly removing facial and depending on the individual, certain body hair. After being in thereapy for a time, the next step is to begin HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). This helps furter reduce, thin, and lighten body hair, change ones physique moving body fat to areas such as the hips and thighs, and developement of breasts. In other words, non surgical way to start feminizing the body. HRT does have to continue through the rest of the individuals life due to the fact that the hormones aren't naturally produced, males dont produce progesterone, and females dont produce testosterone. At any point One may decide to undergo FFS (Facial Feminisation Surgery) this can involve many different prosedures and in very custome to the individual. At this point many will continue onto SRS (Sexual Reasignment Surgery) while others are content keeping the genitalia they're born with. As far as I am concerned I'm starting out basic, I'm going to be looking for a better paying job so I can afford therapy and still be able to pay back my debts to you. Once there we'll see what happens....
I really hope you understand, and don't disaprove, especially since the only part of this I have any control over is my course of action. Even though there are likely to be some major changes if I go beyond therapy, It doesn't change who I am, the "me" that you know is still me, I'll just be letting sertain hidden things out. For me the suprizing thing about all of this is I have become much more at peace with myself, and my overwhelming need to come out with this has really lifted my spirits knowing I'm going to me doing it soon. You may have noticed a recent perk in my atitude....well thats why. If anything I believe this may may be better for me in general because after realising what its gonna take to be what I want/am, I've had a recent jump in my drive to get my life straitened out and get myself through school. Again I hope you understand, and more than anything I want you to be there for me through all of this, I fear it would destroy me if I lost you because of this, just the thought makes me want to cry. If you have any questions, concerns, anything, talk to me. I want to be open about this with you, and I want you to be able to do the same with your feelings about this.
I love you guys very much,
Eric
(Ellissa Ray)
