Im a happily married "man" to a really wonderful woman. Ive reached a point in my life where I cant repress the truth as easy as Ive been doing but I guess Im just gonna have to anyway. Am I a unique situation or is this common? I wont do anything to hurt my wife and kids so Ive been putting on the superman mask .Before my wife I put my mask on for my beloved parents God rest their souls. I played my role well and I have been rewarded for it but now for some reason I have come to the total realization of what Ive always known since 4 years old. I guess I just needed to tell somebody. Any advice would be greatly appretiated. Thanks.

coolJ,

First off, welcome to Susan's! This is a very open community, and there really isn't a topic that you can't talk about here. Feel free to talk about anything and everything, supporting others, life issues, the list goes on....

I'm going to assume by the tone of your talk, that it sounds like you're male-to-female, is that right? When you said "man"? If that is so, this would belong in the MTF threads instead of FTM. If I misinterpreted you, I apologize greatly.

What you're describing sounds completely normal to me, I've heard/read of this situation many, many times now (I'm single, so I wouldn't know about that).

The thread is in the right board now.



Welcome to Susan's, CoolJ.

You've already taken the first step.

Wow thanks. I feel pretty stupid now I thought I was in the male to female thread. Ive never done this before so I guess Ive got to check where Im going better! Basically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts.

Not unique at all. You are understood by others like you more than you may think or know.

I won't presume to read anything into your words that you haven't said, but will say that many have gotten to a point later in their life where they are questioning.

Please feel free to continue to express yourself here. I have found that there are many who are thoughtful, caring, and understanding here.

I will wish you the best.

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:33:33 PMBasically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts.

Not even close, honey. *big hug* You're among friends here who understand how you feel. And you'd be surprised at just how many people feel the same way as you do.

What you do next is largely up to you. You've made the biggest step, admitting who you are to yourself. That's a mountain that not everyone is able to scale. So what do you do with that knowledge? I guess that depends on a number of things, not least of which is how badly you want to act on that knowledge.

I guess the best thing to do would be to think about talking to a therapist who has experience dealing with gender issues, if there's one in your area. They will be able to listen to how you feel, without judgement, and perhaps advise you on what options are available to you.

If that seems a bit too much of a leap at first then you can always spend some time here with us and read about the questions people have and the experiences we go through. Who knows, you may make a few friends along the way. You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready.

But you're not alone, honey, and you don't have to go through any of this alone. We can listen and we can support you morally should you need it, give you a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to suffer... and you certainly don't have to suffer in silence. *hugs*

Quote from: Leiandra on September 18, 2008, 10:50:05 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:33:33 PMBasically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts.

Not even close, honey. *big hug* You're among friends here who understand how you feel. And you'd be surprised at just how many people feel the same way as you do.

What you do next is largely up to you. You've made the biggest step, admitting who you are to yourself. That's a mountain that not everyone is able to scale. So what do you do with that knowledge? I guess that depends on a number of things, not least of which is how badly you want to act on that knowledge.

Yeah, you are definitely normal coolJ 

Further emphasizing what Leiandra said, she's absolutely right. It isn't an easy process to be able to say that, and not everyone can get there. I honestly wish I could tell you/myself what I am, cause I'm not entirely sure yet .

Anyway, in all likelihood, it isn't going to get easier, so I'd recommend you find a gender specialist in your area if you have one.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey 

Quote from: Leiandra on September 18, 2008, 10:50:05 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:33:33 PMBasically I feel Im a woman in a mans body who happens to still be attracted to my wife. Maybe Im just nuts.

Not even close, honey. *big hug* You're among friends here who understand how you feel. And you'd be surprised at just how many people feel the same way as you do.

What you do next is largely up to you. You've made the biggest step, admitting who you are to yourself. That's a mountain that not everyone is able to scale. So what do you do with that knowledge? I guess that depends on a number of things, not least of which is how badly you want to act on that knowledge.

I guess the best thing to do would be to think about talking to a therapist who has experience dealing with gender issues, if there's one in your area. They will be able to listen to how you feel, without judgement, and perhaps advise you on what options are available to you.

If that seems a bit too much of a leap at first then you can always spend some time here with us and read about the questions people have and the experiences we go through. Who knows, you may make a few friends along the way. You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready.

But you're not alone, honey, and you don't have to go through any of this alone. We can listen and we can support you morally should you need it, give you a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to suffer... and you certainly don't have to suffer in silence. *hugs*

Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much!

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much!

Of course they'll all be surprised, I don't think many wouldn't be. I can see you're really devoted to your family, and that's good, but at the same instance, if you aren't happy with who YOU are, something's gotta change.

Also, never say never on how you look, I've seen some amazing results from just HRT before, let alone FFS.

Here's something I've thought of before that you may want to think about. I got to thinking before, that if I lose someone due to transition (I'm not transition at the moment, I'm still unsure, seeing a therapist soon), then they really weren't truly a worthy friend/family member. It's those that will stay with you through all the bumps in the road, and impossible odds along the way, that really count.

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:00:02 PM
Im a happily married "man" to a really wonderful woman. Ive reached a point in my life where I cant repress the truth as easy as Ive been doing but I guess Im just gonna have to anyway. Am I a unique situation or is this common? I wont do anything to hurt my wife and kids so Ive been putting on the superman mask .Before my wife I put my mask on for my beloved parents God rest their souls. I played my role well and I have been rewarded for it but now for some reason I have come to the total realization of what Ive always known since 4 years old. I guess I just needed to tell somebody. Any advice would be greatly appretiated. Thanks.

Hi CoolJ, welcome to Susan's.

Your introduction echo's many of that of the lives of people here, mine included.

I had a very sucessful life as a guy including the family & parents thing, but was never happy, never far from total depression and hated my life, because it was a lie, a sham and confusing.

I transitioned at 38 after much heartache, soul searching and deciding to be true to myself and my family, It is the best thing I ever did as I now have a life I understand and am totally comfortable in, confident, sociably outgoing and extremely happy.

I understand fully your pain and offer no advice apart from do whats in your heart.

Buffy

Quote from: findingreason on September 18, 2008, 11:28:50 PM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much!

Of course they'll all be surprised, I don't think many wouldn't be. I can see you're really devoted to your family, and that's good, but at the same instance, if you aren't happy with who YOU are, something's gotta change.

Also, never say never on how you look, I've seen some amazing results from just HRT before, let alone FFS.

Here's something I've thought of before that you may want to think about. I got to thinking before, that if I lose someone due to transition (I'm not transition at the moment, I'm still unsure, seeing a therapist soon), then they really weren't truly a worthy friend/family member. It's those that will stay with you through all the bumps in the road, and impossible odds along the way, that really count.
They wouldnt just be surprised some would be downright devestated including my wife. And I cant put myself over her-I guess thats the woman in me thats pretty selfless. I had a great selfless mom like that and Im proud to follow suite. As far as my desires I realize Im pretty much screwed but at least Ive got an outlet now. Just talking about this is giving me peace and right now thats what I need-peace and clarity. And your also right about friends who'll stick by you no matter what. Those are real freinds!

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:45:49 PM
They wouldnt just be surprised some would be downright devestated including my wife. And I cant put myself over her-I guess thats the woman in me thats pretty selfless. I had a great selfless mom like that and Im proud to follow suite. As far as my desires I realize Im pretty much screwed but at least Ive got an outlet now. Just talking about this is giving me peace and right now thats what I need-peace and clarity. And your also right about friends who'll stick by you no matter what. Those are real freinds!

Hi, coolJ! Welcome to Susan's

I'm going to assume the quoted paragraph above was written by you and not findngreason. If I'm wrong, please let me know. OK.

I would like to say that just because you're married does not mean your marriage will fall apart should you decide to transition. I can tell you from experience that while it is possible for you to "hide" eventually someone will either find out or you will realize you just can't go on being male anymore. My partner, Danielle, went through this and at nearly 34, realized she could no longer be 'male' anymore. You are correct that it will be a shock for everyone. However, you also don't need to tell everyone at once, like some big announcement.

I would at least talk with your wife about how you feel. Seriously. If your marriage is going to survive transition, your wife will need to be with you every step of the way.  Marriages do survive transition (there are a few people on the boards here who are still together after everything. Happily too!) Dani and I hope to add to that tally (and so far the prognosis is good ) The above mentioned therapy is a good place for you to start, and perhaps get a perspective on how to approach your wife. I would also check to see if your therapist will do couple's sessions.

You said in another post that you feel trapped because people depend on you. You can be a dependable female you know

Many hugs!

WR

P.S. If I've wandered too far from the SO's realm, please let me know. I just thought an SO's point of view here might be helpful

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 10:00:02 PM
Im a happily married "man" to a really wonderful woman. Ive reached a point in my life where I cant repress the truth as easy as Ive been doing but I guess Im just gonna have to anyway... I wont do anything to hurt my wife... I played my role well and I have been rewarded for it but now for some reason I have come to the total realization of what Ive always known since 4 years old...

You just summarized MY life too!

I'm glad your here. You're amoungst friends

QuoteBut I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts.

I thought that too. You might be surprised how easily people deal with all this. I was SURE I'd be fired, ostracized, abandoned... and NONE of it happened. Just the opposite in fact. I *seriously* underestimated the wisdom and compassion of the people surrounding me.

~ Katie Marie ~

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
Thank you, Im 42 and Ive never told anyone. Im so glad I found this site! If I wasnt married and wasnt so dammed masculine looking I'd transition in a second. But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped. At least Ive found friends who I can tell that know what Im going through-this alone makes me feel free. Wow-thank you all so much!

You know, I used to think everyone would be totally shocked and think I was nuts too. Especially as I live in Idaho and grew up in an extremely conservative town that was about 80% Mormon. But, people never stop surprising me. I told my little brother about a week ago and if anything he has been calling me and wanting to hang out even more. And my girlfriend has been amazingly supportive since I told her about my feelings 3 months ago. She even moved in with me.

I guess what I am saying is the world is a drastically different place than the one you probably grew up in. Hell, it's a different place than what I grew up in and I am only 21. Just look around at things like there being a transexual on America's Next Top Model and you'll realize it is not nearly as big of a deal nowadays. You need to do what will make you happy too.

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:20:39 PM
But I cant even let anyone around me know they would be totally shocked and think I was nuts. Also my family constantly looks to me for help and support in just about everything(this is extended family as well-alot of people) so I do what I can for them. So I guess Im trapped.

This is something you'll have to think through: if you feel you are trapped, eventually the need to break free becomes overwhelming. It may be possible for you to stay about where you are, but not on those terms -- you need several heart-to-heart discussions at least with yourself, to see what your emotional needs and priorities really are. I'd hazard the opinion that you also owe it to your wife to let her into this before you come to any binding conclusions. Not necessarily right now, though.

Of course this is just my view, so take it with a grain or two of salt. Still, a year and a half ago I was just about where you are now (except for the plural in 'kids'), and by now I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way towards a viable long-term solution that doesn't involve either my being trapped or our family breaking up.

Good luck, and welcome.

  Nfr

nope you arnt nuts.

I just want to echo what everyone is saying and whatnot.

I too was married and kept saying "if i wasnt married i'd start transitioning.. but.." etc etc.  Now i dont have kids so.. taht helps too.

Anyway, it got to the point of me trying to be 'strong' was just driving me deeper into depression and i realized that i could either take my chances and tell my wife, or i could hold it in and just sabatoge my relationship from the inside.. or wrap my car around a telephone pole.  THe last two options didnt seem very good to me, so i told my wife, and lo and behold she accepted it and things are moving forward.

its hard... but figuring yourself out is a good thing

Quote from: Windrider on September 19, 2008, 07:24:36 AM

Quote from: coolJ on September 18, 2008, 11:45:49 PM
They wouldnt just be surprised some would be downright devestated including my wife. And I cant put myself over her-I guess thats the woman in me thats pretty selfless. I had a great selfless mom like that and Im proud to follow suite. As far as my desires I realize Im pretty much screwed but at least Ive got an outlet now. Just talking about this is giving me peace and right now thats what I need-peace and clarity. And your also right about friends who'll stick by you no matter what. Those are real freinds!

Hi, coolJ! Welcome to Susan's

I'm going to assume the quoted paragraph above was written by you and not findngreason. If I'm wrong, please let me know. OK.

I would like to say that just because you're married does not mean your marriage will fall apart should you decide to transition. I can tell you from experience that while it is possible for you to "hide" eventually someone will either find out or you will realize you just can't go on being male anymore. My partner, Danielle, went through this and at nearly 34, realized she could no longer be 'male' anymore. You are correct that it will be a shock for everyone. However, you also don't need to tell everyone at once, like some big announcement.

I would at least talk with your wife about how you feel. Seriously. If your marriage is going to survive transition, your wife will need to be with you every step of the way.  Marriages do survive transition (there are a few people on the boards here who are still together after everything. Happily too!) Dani and I hope to add to that tally (and so far the prognosis is good ) The above mentioned therapy is a good place for you to start, and perhaps get a perspective on how to approach your wife. I would also check to see if your therapist will do couple's sessions.

You said in another post that you feel trapped because people depend on you. You can be a dependable female you know

Many hugs!

WR

P.S. If I've wandered too far from the SO's realm, please let me know. I just thought an SO's point of view here might be helpful

      Yes that was my quote and thanks to all for the great advice and comfort I really need it right now. And I know I could be a really dependable female cause thats what I am inside! I have come to the realization that this is the truth and I feel great about it but I still cant bring myself to tell my wife yet. And I probably cant transition anyway because of money issues.
My girls gotta go to college and such and right now I'm selling equipment because my business is so slow for the first time in 20 years. And it is getting unbearable Im at a loss at what Im gonna do but I am an ultimate optimist so I know this will eventually turn out good! 

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 05:28:35 PM

---

I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell. 

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 07:01:25 PM

---

I forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience.

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell. 

That depends on the individual. In some cases it can be a burning need right from the get go, and you know early on that something is different, exactly what that is, and that you have to do something about it. But at other times it can be like a volcano erupting, for years the magma of feeling that something isn't right builds up and builds up, little clues and thoughts invading the mind like escaping bursts of hot gases... until eventually the pressure becomes too great and the self-image of physical/recieved gender erupts in an explosion of self-awareness and acceptance of the core/percieved gender.

As for the cross dressing, it may just be a desire to express externally the feelings you have internally, your femininity and womanliness. You have this realisation, but no way to channel it... what other way than to desire to dress in the apparel of the gender you percieve yourself to be? Nothing unusual in that, honey.

Self denial is a sturdy cage. And the effort taken to release yourself from it can affect a lot of momentum once you're out.

QuoteI forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience.

Not necessarily. Physical/sexual attraction isn't linked to gender identity. You may be a straight guy externally but a gay girl internally. There's nothing wrong with that, and your attraction to women doesn't make your feelings of being one any less real or valid because you may think that being a woman means you have to be attracted to men. It doesn't work that way.

Nothing wrong with being gay, honey. *smiles* It doesn't change who you are as a person. So you're a gay woman, welcome to the club. *hugs*

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
      Yes that was my quote and thanks to all for the great advice and comfort I really need it right now. And I know I could be a really dependable female cause thats what I am inside! I have come to the realization that this is the truth and I feel great about it but I still cant bring myself to tell my wife yet. And I probably cant transition anyway because of money issues.

My girls gotta go to college and such and right now I'm selling equipment because my business is so slow for the first time in 20 years. And it is getting unbearable Im at a loss at what Im gonna do but I am an ultimate optimist so I know this will eventually turn out good! 

Well, I can't help with the kids since we don't have any. Sorry! But I do understand the finances being tough A good attitude does help though By the way, slow transition paces are good for SO's

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
Posted on: September 19, 2008, 05:28:35 PM

---

I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell. 

To me that says the days of hiding are getting shorter. As for a mid-life crisis, I don't know, only you and a therapist could tell for sure. I'd say it doesn't sound like it, but that's just my opinion. I also would NOT recommend giving into the desire to wear your wife's clothes. (Yes, I know that can be very hard.) The reason is that she will most likely find out sometime and the resulting explosion will probably not be pretty. I don't know about other women, but I know I have issues about that...the best way I can describe it is a "violation of space". Then you also have the "secrecy" of the act which runs into "trust" issues (keeping secrets is bad for marriages.) Stuff like this is the reason we're recommending you talk to you wife *before* doing much more than therapy. Dani's therapist told her that of the couples she's worked with, the ones where the spouse *wants* to be involved in their partner's transition tend to be the ones that stay together. Just some food for thought.

Quote from: coolJ on September 19, 2008, 07:06:15 PM
Posted on: September 19, 2008, 07:01:25 PM

---

I forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience.

Well, not as far as I know. Danielle is still attracted to me Others who are farther along on their journeys may have more input though.

*hugs*

WR

Hi Cool,

Welcome to our little family. Over  2024 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.

And you have voiced what could be very close to many of our lives.  I got to the point that it was transition or die and I am 54.  My wife and are not together anymore and I know the pain of losing her.  I am happier now being me and maybe she and I will be friends again.

Janet