Me and my wife just found out we are pregnant, this will be our second.
I'm pretty excited, but I am terrified. For our last baby my wife suffered really bad postnatal depression. I don't want to face her saying stuff like "I don't love her, I hope someone takes her away,I hope someone steals her, she would be happier if I was dead" all over again. I feel sick thinking about that and the expression on her face when she looked at our child for the first time and it was like she was looking at some sort of alien. I still feel cut up about it. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. My baby came out and she was this beautiful fat little piggy and she was really indignant and already hungry, rooting about looking for a drink. The midwife did all the standard checks and then I dressed her in a little outfit, not really knowing what I was doing, the tiny nappy, little hat, mini socks. The midwife was laughing in delight at her little rolls. I still had stuff on my arms from catching her as she came out (looking back at the photo's I was wearing a psycadelic jimi hendrix T-shirt, Note to self: wear something better next time
). I was captivated and in love all at once (also bloody awkward
). And then I took her over and put her back in my wifes arms and my wife just looked at her like she was a foreign object, like she just wanted someone to take it way, she looked at me as if to say "you don't even exist". I suddenly felt so alone and helpless and afraid. I felt like I was suddenly a solo parent and someone had taken away my wife and replaced her with a baby and a mental health patient that had just checked out. The next few weeks just got worse and worse. My wife has looked through me this way on other occasions when depressed and it is the worst thing ever. I have never told my wife about this and I don't think she remembers (depression can do that that), I don't think it would be fair on her as it is not her fault, though I have expressed that I was left feeling traumatised.
She suffers from clinical depression anyway but we seem to have that under control most of the time. Over time things have gotten much better and more stable. Perhaps this time our experience will count for a lot.
I really am just deeply terrified. I don't think I should be this afraid. I probably need to see someone about this. I want to be strong enough to support my wife when she can't support herself. People keep telling me I must be so excited and happy and I just feel burnt out and emotionaly beaten.
